Truth Update Going on five Months

[Truth05]

Well, I have been pretty busy teaching and have been trying to be social so I haven't posted in several months. I've come out of my initial shock and have even hosted a dinner party with friends last week in my home. I am still going up and down emotionally because I still love my wife even though I can't respect her. I have virtually no contact with her because she will not talk to me. I really don't think she can face me after what she has done. She was in fact having an affair before she left even though she denied it to everyone including her parents. She Left May 15 and has had a killer year for stabbing people in the back. The night after she told me she was leaving, she was flirting with a guy on the internet who lives in Washington State and works for Microsoft. My wife was a Microsoft certified professional who has written several books in the last few years. She denied that they were anything more than friends but said she had talked to him almost every day for five years. We were only married six years but were together for almost 12. I have pictures she took of this man in 2003 at a computer conference she attended in Seattle. It is pretty obvious that as she was becoming more dissolutioned with our marriage, she was becoming more infatuated with this man who makes more money than I do and can help her career. She just turned 31 and I believe this guy is around 38 or 40. I don't think she is someone he loves and respects. I just think she's his stupid young play thing. I'm sure he knew she was a married woman so neither of them have good morals. He probably encouraged her to give up having children with me so she could live the lifestyle of the rich and famous with him.

Before she left me, she had backstabbed her department manager at work in Modesto California to get his job. I asked her if she was backstabbing her "friend" David and she got really pissed and said this is what I need to do to be happy. That was sometime around January. That's the same thing she told me when she was leaving me.... "this is what I need to do to be happy". She went from making 67K a year to about 80k overnight because her company wanted to keep her happy. After leaving me, she signed a six month lease at an apartment complex in Modesto near her work. She obviously couldn't stay with me until the divorce was final because she needed a bachelorette pad to conduct her relationship in private. She was in a hot hurry to "settle" finances but was never willing to come sit down at the table with me and talk about our financial situation or any business opportunities or assets she had hidden from me. She kept trying to dictate terms to me and then when I wouldn't agree to what she was demanding she lawyered up and filed for divorce after first dumping as many bills on me as possible. She had to do that before the divorce restraining order kicked in and we each just had to keep paying the bills that were in each of our names. Within a month of moving out she admitted that she was dating a man but wouldn't tell me who it was although I had my suspicions.

I wasn't sure what was going on because one of the things she told me before she moved out was that she was bisexual. I told her I didn't care if she could be faithful. Now I don't really know if that was true or just another lie. Since June, she has introduced John to her mom and dad who have accepted their daughter's decision because she "seems happy". My father in law and I were good friends. He was not willing to say if he likes this guy or not. I know there is not much he can say but he wasn't willing to accept that his daughter had cheated on me before she left. I know he can't say anything bad about his daughter or this new guy. He did tell me he has always respected me and I'm sure he knows I didn't do anything wrong. In his heart he knows she cheated on me but he just can't admit what happened to himself. He also knows his daughter has left the Catholic Church. We were both Catholic and married in her childhood church in Napa in June of 1999. She had attended Catholic School for 12 years and her mother works at the Catholic High School in Napa to this day. I can't believe her parents have simply accepted what she did rather than standing up as good Christian parents and become voices of moral reason by refusing to accept another man into their family under such immoral circumstances.

My wife Patricia had stopped attending services with me several months before she left telling me "I don't get anything out of church anymore but you go.. it'll be good for you...." I thought if I kept leading by example she would come back to her faith. I didn't realize her behavior was a major warning sign of a guilty concience. Her excuse to me about church after she left was that the church frowns on gays and lesbians taking communion rather than the "churches frowns on adultery". One of the true things she told me when she was leaving was that she was "tired of doing what I'm supposed to do".

In September of this year my wife moved to the Seattle to take a new job and "start a new life" were she can be "happy". Of course she took the job to be with her lover and abandoned our three cats to my care. I do think this move was part of her master plan. She is now living with John and I'm sure making over 100K per year in the Seattle area. I just can't believe the woman who once professed to love me more than anyone on this planet would turn into such an evil witch.

I recently called David, her former department manager who's job she had taken less than a year ago to get some insight into her activities. Apparently she had not been on good speaking terms with him for about a year before she left the company. At one time she told me they would look out for one another and that if one of them left, the other one would too. Now she has dumped all of the company IT responsibilities on David's shoulders with just a couple weeks notice. He had worked closely with my wife Patricia since 1998 when she first took a job for a prominent manufacturing company in Modesto. I asked him if she ever heard her say anything bad about me. His response was "never, not even once".

I now realize that there is nothing I could have said or done to keep her happy. She was looking for excuses to break her wedding vows so she could pursue a much richer lifesyle with another man. I was patient and loving as she spent hour upon hour wriing books and her career developed. Unfortunately, she wasn't willing to share her successes with me any longer or slow down to start a family.

I gave up going to Dental School in 2001 and instead got my teaching credential for several reasons. The most important reason was that my wife was happy here in California and we were both ready to settle down and start a family. She also didn't want to move across the country away from her parents and we both agreed we could make plenty of money to be happy anyway if I just got my teaching credential.

Now she has dumped me for another man, may force me to sell my home in the divorce to take what she believes she is "entitled to" and just as importantly, has forced me to postpone my dreams for a family another three or four years. I know I should have faith that this will all be for the best in the end but it's not easy to accept what she did. I have faith that in the end, she will realize that money can't buy love or happiness. Those are things that must come from the heart.... Truth

[Bubbles]

Wow. Move on and stop calling her your wife. She left you way before last May pal and calling her old co-workers and her parents still looking for reasons and ammo against her just borders on odd. You need counciling, Truth. It didn't work out and she was under-handed and mean to do what she did, but there was no way for you to stop it from happening.
Until you let go of the hurt and anger YOU will be what is stopping your pursuit of a family. You keep talking about church and the bible in your posts and how she went against the teachings. But if she was not a true believer then all the praying in the world would not change that. Many people do not need or want society to tell them how to live their lives. She is one of those.
It sounds like you put aside your dreams and desires in order for HER to pursue hers. That was wrong but fixable. You can still go to dental school, and you can still find someone who shares your beliefs but the longer you hold onto the memory of the perfect relationship that never was you will risk losing any chance at your dreams.

[djalomo]

Ditto.

She is no longer your wife. You need to distance yourself from her family and friends and look foward now.

[XxSpacegirlxX]

totally agree with the above ... move on ... start a new life .. looking back at the past isnt going to change anything .. if anything .. it can just make u feel worse .. u deserve to be happy ... so get a move on it

[gettingstrength]

[Truth05]

You know, putting me down for my feelings and picking me apart doesn't make me feel any better. No she's not with me but she's still legally my wife until the divorce is final in March and I want everyone to know what she did. I hate deceit, lies and trickery. It's my right to know the truth about what happened and to tell everyone I know. She treated me as if knowing what she did was none of my business but she was my wife which made it all my business. I have every right to know why my marriage ended in an affair. I may never know the whole truth about what she did but it gives me peace of mind knowing what happened. Pretending like my 12 year relationship never happend is what she's done. I'm not like that. I can't just turn my emotions off like a light switch. As far as I'm concerned she's John's H OR now. Marriage is supposed to be for life but not everybody views it that way anymore. If you enter into marriage thinking you are going to get divorced you shouldn't get married in the first place. If this is the kind of emmotional support people can expect to get here, they might as well open a bottle of wine and drink their memories away.

[Bubbles]

Originally Posted by Truth05

You know, putting me down for my feelings and picking me apart doesn't make me feel any better. No she's not with me but she's still legally my wife until the divorce is final in March and I want everyone to know what she did. I hate deceit, lies and trickery. It's my right to know the truth about what happened and to tell everyone I know. She treated me as if knowing what she did was none of my business but she was my wife which made it all my business. I have every right to know why my marriage ended in an affair. I may never know the whole truth about what she did but it gives me peace of mind knowing what happened. Pretending like my 12 year relationship never happend is what she's done. I'm not like that. I can't just turn my emotions off like a light switch. As far as I'm concerned she's John's H OR now. Marriage is supposed to be for life but not everybody views it that way anymore. If you enter into marriage thinking you are going to get divorced you shouldn't get married in the first place. If this is the kind of emmotional support people can expect to get here, they might as well open a bottle of wine and drink their memories away.

Why does everyone you know need to know what she did to you? Will it make it better? Will it bring her back? Or are you just trying to hurt her socially and professionally like she hurt you?
You sound like you are having a tough time Truth05 you need help. No one belittled your emotions it is just that I have never seen posts as angry as yours go on for so many months like this. You are not resolving anything. You have been posting for a long time about your anger and hurt and it is starting to sound like you can not deal with it. Please call your Dr and get help.

[lalabella]

Truth, I think I can understand what you are going through... I had to go through some of the same kind of analysis, to find out what REALLY happened when a relationship I was in went bad. I really needed to know that it wasnt ME, that I was OK and that I had done my best and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Analyzing it and understanding what he did to me and trying to see why really helped me to heal. I really had been feeling so low and hurt... maybe not the same exact situation... but I can understand why you need to know the truth and get through the feelings in that way.

Being involved with someone who lies and deceives can be very traumatic. The person I was with was a true sociopath living a double (or triple) life of lies. It really effected me deeply and the thought that he never truly loved me (and had lied about that) was almost too much to bear. Sorting it out and knowing what happened did help me. It is still hard and sometimes think bad thoughts about this person... it takes time.

Writing about it must help some too... You are going to be fine in time. I hope you can come to a place where you feel good and strong and know in your heart that you deserve so much more.

I hope this helped.

[SoHappy]

I can certainly feel your sorrow and anger thru your words. But now it is really coming across that you are professing that you still love her and did nothing to deserve her treatment of you. That is what you seem to be professing.....but everything else you are saying is telling us that you are really wanting to HURT her.....that you want to GET EVEN.....that you want to make her PAY for what she did to you. It does come across as though you want to damage her professionally and socially, for revenge, as you stated it was your right to "tell everyone you know"!

But I actually think that you are feeling emotions that are probably one of the steps to finally accepting that it is, indeed, over.....and for whatever reasons, she fell out of love with you. The anguish you have been feeling for these last several months was probably felt by her, in silence, for a long, long time before that. When a marriage is poor for one of its partners, the other might not necessarily sense that if there isn't very good communication going on. And when one spouse is taken by shock when it is announced that the other wants a divorce, that is a good sign that good communication was lacking for quite a long time. It certainly does happen that one spouse can be almost totally unhappy for a very long time without the other really knowing the depth of it.

Now. You need to realize that it ISN'T necessary for you to know every detail of why she fell out of love with you. It ISN'T necessary for you to know all about what her relationship was or wasn't with someone else or when it started or how it started or why it started. THAT is her life. You need to concentrate on yourself, and your own striving toward coming to terms with this time of your life. You need to concentrate on taking good care of yourself, both physically and mentally. If you can't seem to get beyond this and find yourself seeming to dwell on it too much, seething over it, finding yourself gut-wrentched all the time, then you need to find some help to regain your sense of personal joy and happiness and balance.

As time passes and you continue to take good, healthy care of yourself, you will probably reach a point where you will be able to pinpoint certain aspects of your past marriage where there were warning signs of unhappiness and unrest, dissatisfaction, divergent opinions, unfulfilled expectations, of you each drifting down different paths into your futures. Sometimes people just grow apart. It doesn't make anyone a bad person. And sometimes the choices made by someone after they have "mentally detached themselves" from their spouse leave a little something to be desired. Of course it hurts.

You certainly have friends out here in LowCarb Land who wish you well and want you to heal. Try to ease back on this bitter time right now. It can only affect you mentally in a negative manner and cause you physical distress as well. You have my best wishes.

[angela233]

I'm so sorry for your pain - I hope this place stays a safe place for you to come and express your feelings

angela

[JunkintheTrunk]

What a great post, SoHappy.

Truth05, you can spend the rest of your life trying to punish her by hounding her colleagues, spreading the word about her dastardly deeds to friends, family and an internet full of strangers and generally re-living the misery that she's visited on you - or you can move on with your life.

Obviously, you have every right to your feelings but a little counseling to help you work through them and regain your footing in a healthier place wouldn't be a bad idea.

[angela233]

Truth,

It must be hard after having a 12 year relationship to "just get over it" I don't think 5 months is too long - but do think about some counseling to help yourself. I think it's great you are staying busy and re-building your social life.

good luck

angela

[brilliant100]

I feel bad for you. Its amazing how much one person can hurt another.

Time will heal. I know this sounds simple but it is true. One day you will go an entire day without thinking about her once or feeling pain when you do think about her.

Try to heal yourself emotionally so that you can have another healthy relationship with someone else. Dont hold the hurt in and let go of the anger. Pray, Talk, Cry, Work Out, Write it down, do what ever you need to in order to move on emotionally.

Good Luck.

[chassiepooh]

Truth I too agree, I hope you feel like you can continue to come here to vent, and express your feelings. You can't just get over it quickly....it takes time, especially since you are the one that was left. There is a healing process...but I also agree, you may need to speak with someone professionally, to help you get thru this process, because it is a tough time, and sometimes you can't get thru it on your own.

You were honest with her, and loved her 100%. And she didn't give that back to you. So you feel robbed. And that can be mentally draining. So take the time you need to heal, but remember, you can never move on to a new relationship, until you close the doors completely to this one.

Good luck with everything.

[Jennyl]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. Divorce is very complicated for most people. You need to move on with your own life and stop worrying about your ex...concentrate on yourself. I'm not saying it's easy, it rarely is...you need to focus on yourself

[buffedstuff]

wow this is painful I wish you well

[cnj628]

i'm very sorry this has happened to you and you are hurting.
the death of a marriage is like the death of a person in that there are stages of grief and recognition one must go thru as part of acceptance and moving forward. i listed the steps here as they pertain to the breakup of a marriage.


1st - The denial and isolation - the refusal to recognize the situation, and the difficulty of not being able to talk about the situation to anyone. There is a feeling of being alone in your struggle.

The second stage is anger, where the need to punish, to get even, to make him /her hurt as much as you do, all of the punitive kinds of reactions are present.

The third stage is bargaining - "I’ll do anything to please" - if only you will try again, "please don’t leave", I can’t live without you (which holds its own threat), all the ways in which we try to keep things as they were.

The fourth stage is depression - "all is lost" stage, when the feelings of loss and gain are confused. The past looks good and the future cannot be tolerated. The hurt is intolerable so that the world looks lonely and desolate. "I will never have anything" - "I will always be alone", there is nothing to look forward to, this is a bleak stage indeed, but it is a stage.

The final stage is acceptance, which is one of facing the reality of the situation - being willing to deal with this reality, moving on to the future, and making new relationships