I don't know what to do

nuttymomof7 · 10-06-2005, 01:20 PM

My SO and I have been together 2 years. We both went through ugly divorces, his exwife had a severe emotional disorder and still does so we suffer with that junk everyday. I have 3 kids of my own and he has 4 so there are now 7 kids in my home(as of July). Two things are bothering me: My SO doesn't want me to lose anymore weight and tells me everyday I'm getting too skinny. He doesn't like skinny women, doesn't find them physically attractive. He isn't mean about it, just mentions it everyday. We have talked about my feelings and he says I should do what I want/need to make myself feel better but it's always in the back of my mind that he doesn't want me to be thin. My friends think I'm so lucky that he doesn't want me to wear make-up, be on a diet or anything else 'fake', like nails or having my hair fixed up perfectly. The other thing is I think I'm becoming depressed(again). I feel so unenthusiastic about life in general. I am so tired, restless, can't concentrate or make decisions, feel overwhelmed, anxious, many aches and pains especially in my neck and shoulders. I cry alot and think about death alot. Not killing myself, just 'what if' kind of crap. I also worry alot about being left alone without my SO because I love him so much I couldn't bare the thought of him leaving. And it's strange because we get along so well, never even argue, so why would he leave? I really know I am depressed, been there before, but I don't want to take drugs for this, too many side effects. Does anyone know of a better solution for depression? Any thoughts on my problems?
Thanks to all

kimlou · 10-06-2005, 01:42 PM

Tori I really don't have any answers just

.
But I do know there are things I have to do for me. I like the make up and painted nail things and the girlie aspects. I also like to hop on the back of the 4 wheeler or Harley with Dh and ride. I can get dirty and still be a woman.

You have to find the comfort zone in your relationship and build on it.
I truly admire you parenting 7 children

and dealing with an ex ( I too deal with one).

But some guys(and gals) feel threatened with the weight loss of their SO.
Talk to him ask questions. I hope things work out.

Bubbles · 10-06-2005, 01:46 PM

7 kids at home and you cannot figure out why you have no enthusiasm for life. My goodness it is amazing you have time to sleep. You have an incredible level of responsibility and it sounds as if you are simply exhausted. I am sure his Ex is not helping matters. How long have the two of you been divorced from your Exs? Did things move too quickly? I noticed you said SO and not DH. 4 of these kids are not yours, who takes care of them 50/50 or are you left holding the bag a lot. Not slamming him, it's just that sometimes men have no clue how much work kids involve.
The comments about him not liking you to wear makeup, not losing weight, not getting your hair or nails done concerns me. If you feel you (or your Dr.) think you need to take off a few lbs why is he getting involved? Do you like getting your nails done? Were you more careful about grooming before he came along? When I look like hell I usually feel like hell too.

dizneegirl · 10-07-2005, 02:04 PM

If you're willing to try herbal supplements, you might look into Holy Basil. My husband was having a hard time with mild depression... couldn't think/talk about death... bad moods, etc. I read about Holy Basil in a magazine, and asked him to try it. He's a completely different person now.

I agree with your SO... you need to do what makes you happy about your weight. If you'd like to lose more, do it. In the back of his mind, he may be worried that if you're "too skinny" you'll lose interest in him, or that someone else will be attracted to you, and he'll need to compete. He may also feel that he's not attracted to skinny women... but that may be a "I wouldn't approach them at a bar", not a "I'm not attracted to you anymore" kind of thing.

Then again, between the weight, appearance, grooming, etc. advice... I'd probably lean toward he's either controlling, or worried about losing you. Was his ex impeccably groomed? Nails done, hair perfect, skinny?

Bottom line... even if he did leave for some reason, or you were no longer together, you COULD and WOULD go on. Live for you, not for anyone else. Make yourself happy first, and the rest comes with it.

Good luck.

valg · 10-07-2005, 03:35 PM

A little different slant too.....I would get your thyroid checked by someone who knows what they're doing. The symptoms you listed are all thyroid symptoms too, including the hurting and shoulder/neck pain. Depression also is a strong symptom of low thyroid. There's an EXCELLENT thread on the heath forum here called Thyroid tests normal, are you sure? It's very long, but worth every second to read. I'd recommend reading that first, then checking out a doctor.

That's a lot on your plate, but if you have something physical going on, that needs to be addressed seperately.

Truth05 · 10-08-2005, 10:52 AM

You two need a vacation together ... alone... truth

Cinnabar · 10-10-2005, 12:43 PM

Neck & shoulder pain for me=stress. I ALWAYS have pain there when I'm stressed out.

I agree it sounds like you have a LOT on your plate & are depressed.

I don't like drugs either, especially after seeing so many women in my family (both sides) on anti-depressant drugs for YEARS & guess what? they are still depressed!

Journeling may help reveal other issues that are upsetting you that you may not even be aware of. For ME getting to the core things that were depressing me took alot of time and research. Frankly the doctors I went to were useless, and clueless.

Discovering I have a milk & wheat allergy was a HUGE key, I felt run down and sick for so many years I was just exhausted, that alone is depressing. Being in a new environment (we'd moved north to a state where we had no family, friends, my job fell thru, no social outlet) was another key.

Worrying about the future, money, health, responsibilities & lack of sleep as well as vitamin defiencies, allergies, underlying health issues can ALL cause depression.

I'm not saying don't go to a doctor if you don't feel well, but keep in mind they may hand you a 'script for anti-depressants and not ask you a single question about your life - what is REALLY causing you to be stressed & depressed.

Being honest with your hubby & asking him to support you fully in what you are trying to do for your own self-esteem and well being no matter what his personal view of the "perfect" woman would be the very first thing I'd do. You need his support, not him downing you every day. Let him know in clear terms how his remarks (even though they SOUND supportive) are hindering you.

walkthebeach · 11-01-2005, 11:47 AM

You have gotten a lot of good suggestions from other posters. I have two tips for you about the depression, and yes, that's what I think is going on.... First, if you drink, stop. I've found alcohol can make you more depressed if you are already in a low mood. Second, start getting regular aerobic exercise. It will really help. Are you getting good regular sleep? My god, I don't know how I would cope with seven kiddos in the house. Good luck, sweetie.

10-06-2005, 01:20 PM	#1
nuttymomof7 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Corpus Christi, Texas Posts: 79 Gallery: nuttymomof7 Stats: 215/186/165 WOE: low carb Start Date: August 7, 2005	I don't know what to do My SO and I have been together 2 years. We both went through ugly divorces, his exwife had a severe emotional disorder and still does so we suffer with that junk everyday. I have 3 kids of my own and he has 4 so there are now 7 kids in my home(as of July). Two things are bothering me: My SO doesn't want me to lose anymore weight and tells me everyday I'm getting too skinny. He doesn't like skinny women, doesn't find them physically attractive. He isn't mean about it, just mentions it everyday. We have talked about my feelings and he says I should do what I want/need to make myself feel better but it's always in the back of my mind that he doesn't want me to be thin. My friends think I'm so lucky that he doesn't want me to wear make-up, be on a diet or anything else 'fake', like nails or having my hair fixed up perfectly. The other thing is I think I'm becoming depressed(again). I feel so unenthusiastic about life in general. I am so tired, restless, can't concentrate or make decisions, feel overwhelmed, anxious, many aches and pains especially in my neck and shoulders. I cry alot and think about death alot. Not killing myself, just 'what if' kind of crap. I also worry alot about being left alone without my SO because I love him so much I couldn't bare the thought of him leaving. And it's strange because we get along so well, never even argue, so why would he leave? I really know I am depressed, been there before, but I don't want to take drugs for this, too many side effects. Does anyone know of a better solution for depression? Any thoughts on my problems? Thanks to all __________________ Nuttymomof7 aka Tori

10-06-2005, 01:46 PM	#3
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	7 kids at home and you cannot figure out why you have no enthusiasm for life. My goodness it is amazing you have time to sleep. You have an incredible level of responsibility and it sounds as if you are simply exhausted. I am sure his Ex is not helping matters. How long have the two of you been divorced from your Exs? Did things move too quickly? I noticed you said SO and not DH. 4 of these kids are not yours, who takes care of them 50/50 or are you left holding the bag a lot. Not slamming him, it's just that sometimes men have no clue how much work kids involve. The comments about him not liking you to wear makeup, not losing weight, not getting your hair or nails done concerns me. If you feel you (or your Dr.) think you need to take off a few lbs why is he getting involved? Do you like getting your nails done? Were you more careful about grooming before he came along? When I look like hell I usually feel like hell too. __________________ I don't have a problem with anger, I have a problem with idiots. Just because I don't care, does not mean I don't understand.

10-07-2005, 02:04 PM	#4
dizneegirl MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,884 Gallery: dizneegirl	If you're willing to try herbal supplements, you might look into Holy Basil. My husband was having a hard time with mild depression... couldn't think/talk about death... bad moods, etc. I read about Holy Basil in a magazine, and asked him to try it. He's a completely different person now. I agree with your SO... you need to do what makes you happy about your weight. If you'd like to lose more, do it. In the back of his mind, he may be worried that if you're "too skinny" you'll lose interest in him, or that someone else will be attracted to you, and he'll need to compete. He may also feel that he's not attracted to skinny women... but that may be a "I wouldn't approach them at a bar", not a "I'm not attracted to you anymore" kind of thing. Then again, between the weight, appearance, grooming, etc. advice... I'd probably lean toward he's either controlling, or worried about losing you. Was his ex impeccably groomed? Nails done, hair perfect, skinny? Bottom line... even if he did leave for some reason, or you were no longer together, you COULD and WOULD go on. Live for you, not for anyone else. Make yourself happy first, and the rest comes with it. Good luck. __________________ "The whole idea the diet doesn't work when you go off of it? That's the whole point. Why would you go off of it? Here is a diet that's fun to eat..." Dr. Robert Atkins, CNN's Crossfire, 1999

10-07-2005, 03:35 PM	#5
valg MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Wash. state Posts: 2,123 Gallery: valg	A little different slant too.....I would get your thyroid checked by someone who knows what they're doing. The symptoms you listed are all thyroid symptoms too, including the hurting and shoulder/neck pain. Depression also is a strong symptom of low thyroid. There's an EXCELLENT thread on the heath forum here called Thyroid tests normal, are you sure? It's very long, but worth every second to read. I'd recommend reading that first, then checking out a doctor. That's a lot on your plate, but if you have something physical going on, that needs to be addressed seperately. __________________ South Beach started Feb. 25. Stats 163 / 154 / 125 week 1, phase 1, 7 pounds lost week 2, phase 1, 2 pounds lost week 1 phase 2, up 1 pound week 3 phase 3, down 1 pound

10-08-2005, 10:52 AM	#6
Truth05 Junior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 37 Gallery: Truth05	Go on vacation You two need a vacation together ... alone... truth

10-06-2005, 01:42 PM	#2
kimlou MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,688 Gallery: kimlou Stats: 186/147/135 OR LOWER WOE: LC/Low Cal Start Date: February 2004/REINTRO 10/05	Tori I really don't have any answers just . But I do know there are things I have to do for me. I like the make up and painted nail things and the girlie aspects. I also like to hop on the back of the 4 wheeler or Harley with Dh and ride. I can get dirty and still be a woman. You have to find the comfort zone in your relationship and build on it. I truly admire you parenting 7 children and dealing with an ex ( I too deal with one). But some guys(and gals) feel threatened with the weight loss of their SO. Talk to him ask questions. I hope things work out.

10-10-2005, 12:43 PM	#7
Cinnabar Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Neverland! Posts: 5,020 Gallery: Cinnabar Stats: Half-Caf Soy Vanilla Latte WOE: Broken Snickers Snackers Diet Start Date: 10/10/03 217	Neck & shoulder pain for me=stress. I ALWAYS have pain there when I'm stressed out. I agree it sounds like you have a LOT on your plate & are depressed. I don't like drugs either, especially after seeing so many women in my family (both sides) on anti-depressant drugs for YEARS & guess what? they are still depressed! Journeling may help reveal other issues that are upsetting you that you may not even be aware of. For ME getting to the core things that were depressing me took alot of time and research. Frankly the doctors I went to were useless, and clueless. Discovering I have a milk & wheat allergy was a HUGE key, I felt run down and sick for so many years I was just exhausted, that alone is depressing. Being in a new environment (we'd moved north to a state where we had no family, friends, my job fell thru, no social outlet) was another key. Worrying about the future, money, health, responsibilities & lack of sleep as well as vitamin defiencies, allergies, underlying health issues can ALL cause depression. I'm not saying don't go to a doctor if you don't feel well, but keep in mind they may hand you a 'script for anti-depressants and not ask you a single question about your life - what is REALLY causing you to be stressed & depressed. Being honest with your hubby & asking him to support you fully in what you are trying to do for your own self-esteem and well being no matter what his personal view of the "perfect" woman would be the very first thing I'd do. You need his support, not him downing you every day. Let him know in clear terms how his remarks (even though they SOUND supportive) are hindering you. __________________

11-01-2005, 11:47 AM	#8
walkthebeach MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2005 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 2,032 Gallery: walkthebeach Stats: 155/145.5/135 WOE: Low-carb, lower fat Start Date: Oct. 2002	You have gotten a lot of good suggestions from other posters. I have two tips for you about the depression, and yes, that's what I think is going on.... First, if you drink, stop. I've found alcohol can make you more depressed if you are already in a low mood. Second, start getting regular aerobic exercise. It will really help. Are you getting good regular sleep? My god, I don't know how I would cope with seven kiddos in the house. Good luck, sweetie.

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