I just needed to talk ....

Acura · 08-05-2005, 09:12 AM

So for the last almost 4 months I have been dating the most wonderful man I have ever met. Perhaps I should have known better, but he was married for 17 years and divorced last year. As soon as we started dating his Ex Wife started playing game with him emotions, and wanting him back. Last weekend was the first weekend we had been apart over the last 4 months and he cheated on me with his Ex-wife. He says he is so confused, he loves me and wants to be with me but needs to try to work it out with his Ex. His Ex divorced him after she cheated on him at least 3 times during there marriage and on 3 seperate times they were to get divoced she begged him at the last minute not too, the 4th times they actually got divorced. After talking to him last night we decided that we can be friends and talk once and a while, well this morning I got a nasty email from his Ex telling me to stop playing games and that I wasnt supposed to talk to him anymore.

This has been such a stressful week for me I just want to eat anything in site. Its amazing how much stress and eatting have to do with each other.

Man I am so sad today.

Allison'sMom · 08-05-2005, 09:22 AM

shulamite · 08-05-2005, 09:33 AM

hi lady...sometimes things happen for reasons we cant understand...

and only God knows how it will all turn out...

if i can be so bold as to say it...

take care of YOU

if you take a big step back ...

and look at it ...you may see something you miss...holding it all so close...

they have some major issues... long term issues...that go deeper and further than just you in his life...

you matter and regardless of what they do or dont do ...you have a life that matters...

take care of that life...

it may mean more to someone you cant even see that watches it all

Mushmush · 08-05-2005, 12:53 PM

So his wife cheated on him... So his ego hurts... So he wants to see whether he can get her back...

Honestly, I don't think he's over her and I don't think he will be over her for a while. Time to start seeing other men, JMHO.

lisamoran · 08-05-2005, 02:31 PM

I am very sorry you are going through this.

If he is willing to try again with her after she cheated on him 3 times then he still has big time feelings for her. As hard as it will be, it's time for you to let go and move on.

Nancy Pancy · 08-05-2005, 04:40 PM

Denise,this is not the most wonderful man you've ever met. He is scum. If you've been with him for four months and one weekend away he let's the cheating wife back in, then they deserve each other. No one should be treated like this. Hold your head up high, promptly walk in the opposite direction that he's in and keep going. Somewhere out there is a man who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. This man is not the one. He is not worth the energy of mourning. Count yourself lucky and move on.

beeshoney · 08-05-2005, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nancy Pancy

Denise,this is not the most wonderful man you've ever met. He is scum. If you've been with him for four months and one weekend away he let's the cheating wife back in, then they deserve each other. No one should be treated like this. Hold your head up high, promptly walk in the opposite direction that he's in and keep going. Somewhere out there is a man who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. This man is not the one. He is not worth the energy of mourning. Count yourself lucky and move on.

Could not have said it better myself!

Nancy Pancy · 08-05-2005, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beeshoney1

Could not have said it better myself!

Thanks Niki!

LibraEssence · 08-05-2005, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acura

This has been such a stressful week for me I just want to eat anything in site. Its amazing how much stress and eatting have to do with each other.

Man I am so sad today.

None of that stress eating...

he doesn't deserve anymore of your energy or time directed towards him....none at all

shanes_grrl · 08-06-2005, 01:42 PM

I am sorry for your hear ache... He isnt ready yet and I think that any ties to him for a long while will only hurt you more.

Just let it go honey.
something else will come around you'll see.

JRo · 08-06-2005, 01:49 PM

back away from the situation immediately. Tell him to call you when he gets his life in order, and tell him not to contact you before that. Don't contact him either. Just let it go - if it's meant to be he will get in touch and tell the wife to leave him alone.

LibraEssence · 08-06-2005, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JadeRosie

back away from the situation immediately. Tell him to call you when he gets his life in order, and tell him not to contact you before that. Don't contact him either. Just let it go - if it's meant to be he will get in touch and tell the wife to leave him alone.

well said...

Acura · 08-08-2005, 06:43 AM

thanx all for your words, this weekend was one of recovery, I feel a lot better today, and I havent cheated yet on my diet. You are all correct, he isnt the man for me, and I know this, just takes time for the pain to go away. Thank you *HUG*

Nancy Pancy · 08-08-2005, 07:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acura

You are all correct, he isnt the man for me, and I know this, just takes time for the pain to go away. Thank you *HUG*

This is what we are for. Stick your head in the Phenominal Women's Thread, some very wise women will have sage words of advice for you. You won't be sorry, I promise.

TeacartLady · 08-08-2005, 09:56 PM

No matter what has happened in his relationship with his X..he is not finished and is not ready to comit totally to a new relationship...You are the one that will be hurt and have to move on to be whole one day.....He has you both in a way....hang in there...Your heart will heal....if need....

everythingstaken · 08-08-2005, 11:01 PM

I'm going to butt in real quick... or not real quick. Sorry about the length. This is my story.

Only you know your relationship, and only you can really know what decisions to make. But ask yourself this... do you love him?

About a year ago I broke up with a long term boyfriend (and 17 years is much longer than this!), and met this new wonderful guy that I loved. We hit it off so well, but my ex kept (and even now from time to time) popping in. I was so confused. I loved the new guy that I met, but of course my heart was still attatched to ALL THAT TIME i put into my previous relationship. He hurt me, he mentally abused me, he pretty much mutilated all of my deepest darkest secrets and shared them with everyone, but I still thought i loved him!

I broke up with my new boyfriend so many times, I told him I was confused... I told him I needed to find out if we could work things out... blah blah blah... For months he put up with this, always saying the same thing "Do what you need to do, I'll be here."

A year later I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Why? Because he PROVED how much he loved me by being there for me even when I was hurting him. My ex is history now, and I've made it up to him 10x over for hurting him in the early stages of our relationship. But he was always there, to give me advice, listen, but never pressure, get in the way or anything.

He understood. 6 months later his ex came back. We went through the same exact thing. They'd been together for years and years, they were Jr. High sweethearts and were engaged, she just upped and left him in the middle of the night. He was devastated, confused, hurt, heart broken, and when she came back and meddled he experienced the same confusion, feelings and whatnot that I had experienced with MY ex. I too had to take a step back, take a little emotional beating and let him work out his issues/ get his closure.

When people have a traumatic and especially quick breakup it's often very hard to find your closure. It's hard to take a step back and honestly say "Do what you need to do." But if you really love the person, it's important to do so.

We're engaged now, I'm moving in with him in less than a month. Both of our ex's now know that we're engaged and getting ready to live together. We both got our closure and neither one of us has ever been more in love.

What you need to decide is do you love him enough to stick with him? Do you love him enough to go through the headaches, the heartaches, possible cheatings and breakups to possibly have the love of your life?

If you're not willing to do so, and you don't love him this much, then definitely move on and let him be with someone who will stand by him. If you really think that he's 'the most amazing man'... then tell him that you're there for him but that you feel he needs to get closure, and stand by him.

Acura · 08-09-2005, 06:21 AM

Liz / everythingstaken,

I told him that I will always love him and be here for him, and yes I need to move on. I am trying to keep communications open so he can come to me when he needs someone to talk too. Right now his Ex says he isnt allowed to talk to me, see me or anything, so all I can do is wait for him to take the step and contact me since he doesnt answer my calls. (which I have stopped calling) I have let him go, and if it is ment to be than he will come back. Right now I am on the path of healing and moving on, while hoping ( I know I am so sad) that he comes back.

Spingmommy · 08-09-2005, 11:13 AM

I would not keep in touch with him ! You need to end it and forget it NOW. You need to forgive him because if you don't he'll always have control over you.

kimlou · 08-09-2005, 12:47 PM

and go ahead with your life. The ex situation can be very emotional and honestly after the cheat you will wonder if it has or will it happen again.
My ex was so set forth straight there was no hope for us. Then one day after he found out I was getting serious about my now DH he was ready to try[b] it was too late then. But even now I will still get a call.
My DH ex also tried after she found out I was in the picture. Honestly neither one wanted to reconcile they just did not want there to be someone else you know "just incase" they wanted to really come back they wanted the option to be there.
Go ahead with your life if he cheated then he is not ready to start with anyone else.
You are hurting but as time goes on there will be someone who loves you and only you with no aprehensions.

Truth05 · 08-09-2005, 01:33 PM

I still love my wife even though I dispise her for cheating on me and leaving me. What I do, know is that I would not want to do the same thing to another person just to go back to her. If she came back to me now before I got into another relationship I would probably give her the chance to work it out through counseling. I do believe this has never happened before and emotionally she is very confused. I think a lot of her behavior is anger based on unerlying guilt for her affair. However, if I get into a serious relationship and she want's to come back then I'm going to have a dilema. The same one your boyfriend has. But I would talk to the woman I was with BEFORE trying to get back with my wife. Even if she did want to come back there is no way in hell I would jump back into bed with her without a lot of counseling and time to discuss our differences to see if things could be worked out. In the meantime I would have to break it off with the woman I was with if I was trying to work things out with my wife. This guy wants it both ways. He want's his wife back and still keep a mistress. If you stay with him you will become part of an "open" relationship which I for one don't believe is healthy.
Your boyfriend must make a choice. He can't have it both ways. Truth

08-05-2005, 09:12 AM	#1
Acura Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Rockledge, Fl Posts: 579 Gallery: Acura Stats: 5'9 Start BMI 53.3 310 7/22/2007 WOE: RNY exercise, lots and lots of cardo Start Date: 7/22/2007	I just needed to talk .... So for the last almost 4 months I have been dating the most wonderful man I have ever met. Perhaps I should have known better, but he was married for 17 years and divorced last year. As soon as we started dating his Ex Wife started playing game with him emotions, and wanting him back. Last weekend was the first weekend we had been apart over the last 4 months and he cheated on me with his Ex-wife. He says he is so confused, he loves me and wants to be with me but needs to try to work it out with his Ex. His Ex divorced him after she cheated on him at least 3 times during there marriage and on 3 seperate times they were to get divoced she begged him at the last minute not too, the 4th times they actually got divorced. After talking to him last night we decided that we can be friends and talk once and a while, well this morning I got a nasty email from his Ex telling me to stop playing games and that I wasnt supposed to talk to him anymore. This has been such a stressful week for me I just want to eat anything in site. Its amazing how much stress and eatting have to do with each other. Man I am so sad today. __________________ PROUD WIFE OF A U.S. AIRMAN Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away RNY DATE 3/12 March 08 316 / Nov 08 221 ... 50 more Lbs to go !!

08-05-2005, 09:33 AM	#3
shulamite MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: bakersfield, CA Posts: 2,779 Gallery: shulamite Stats: 190/157/140 5'8.5" 40yrs WOE: low carb low cal Start Date: org1/03 again 12/06 again 1/08	hi lady...sometimes things happen for reasons we cant understand... and only God knows how it will all turn out... if i can be so bold as to say it... take care of YOU if you take a big step back ... and look at it ...you may see something you miss...holding it all so close... they have some major issues... long term issues...that go deeper and further than just you in his life... you matter and regardless of what they do or dont do ...you have a life that matters... take care of that life... it may mean more to someone you cant even see that watches it all __________________ **now can YOU really commit???** challenge

08-08-2005, 11:01 PM	#16
everythingstaken MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Tampa, FL Posts: 1,319 Gallery: everythingstaken Stats: 280/202/160 WOE: The poor man's diet. Ketosis! Start Date: June 24th, 2005	I'm going to butt in real quick... or not real quick. Sorry about the length. This is my story. Only you know your relationship, and only you can really know what decisions to make. But ask yourself this... do you love him? About a year ago I broke up with a long term boyfriend (and 17 years is much longer than this!), and met this new wonderful guy that I loved. We hit it off so well, but my ex kept (and even now from time to time) popping in. I was so confused. I loved the new guy that I met, but of course my heart was still attatched to ALL THAT TIME i put into my previous relationship. He hurt me, he mentally abused me, he pretty much mutilated all of my deepest darkest secrets and shared them with everyone, but I still thought i loved him! I broke up with my new boyfriend so many times, I told him I was confused... I told him I needed to find out if we could work things out... blah blah blah... For months he put up with this, always saying the same thing "Do what you need to do, I'll be here." A year later I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Why? Because he PROVED how much he loved me by being there for me even when I was hurting him. My ex is history now, and I've made it up to him 10x over for hurting him in the early stages of our relationship. But he was always there, to give me advice, listen, but never pressure, get in the way or anything. He understood. 6 months later his ex came back. We went through the same exact thing. They'd been together for years and years, they were Jr. High sweethearts and were engaged, she just upped and left him in the middle of the night. He was devastated, confused, hurt, heart broken, and when she came back and meddled he experienced the same confusion, feelings and whatnot that I had experienced with MY ex. I too had to take a step back, take a little emotional beating and let him work out his issues/ get his closure. When people have a traumatic and especially quick breakup it's often very hard to find your closure. It's hard to take a step back and honestly say "Do what you need to do." But if you really love the person, it's important to do so. We're engaged now, I'm moving in with him in less than a month. Both of our ex's now know that we're engaged and getting ready to live together. We both got our closure and neither one of us has ever been more in love. What you need to decide is do you love him enough to stick with him? Do you love him enough to go through the headaches, the heartaches, possible cheatings and breakups to possibly have the love of your life? If you're not willing to do so, and you don't love him this much, then definitely move on and let him be with someone who will stand by him. If you really think that he's 'the most amazing man'... then tell him that you're there for him but that you feel he needs to get closure, and stand by him. __________________ 101 Reasons to Exercise!

08-09-2005, 01:33 PM	#20
Truth05 Junior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 37 Gallery: Truth05	Truth be told... I still love my wife even though I dispise her for cheating on me and leaving me. What I do, know is that I would not want to do the same thing to another person just to go back to her. If she came back to me now before I got into another relationship I would probably give her the chance to work it out through counseling. I do believe this has never happened before and emotionally she is very confused. I think a lot of her behavior is anger based on unerlying guilt for her affair. However, if I get into a serious relationship and she want's to come back then I'm going to have a dilema. The same one your boyfriend has. But I would talk to the woman I was with BEFORE trying to get back with my wife. Even if she did want to come back there is no way in hell I would jump back into bed with her without a lot of counseling and time to discuss our differences to see if things could be worked out. In the meantime I would have to break it off with the woman I was with if I was trying to work things out with my wife. This guy wants it both ways. He want's his wife back and still keep a mistress. If you stay with him you will become part of an "open" relationship which I for one don't believe is healthy. Your boyfriend must make a choice. He can't have it both ways. Truth

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08-05-2005, 09:22 AM	#2
Allison'sMom Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Lincoln, NE Posts: 380 Gallery: Allison'sMom Stats: 235/225/150 WOE: Low-Carb Start Date: 2/18/05/re-start 10/17/05, time #3 08/07/07

08-05-2005, 12:53 PM	#4
Mushmush MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: NJ Posts: 1,272 Gallery: Mushmush Stats: 172/135/132 WOE: WW Start Date: 1/7/2007 (Start WW)	So his wife cheated on him... So his ego hurts... So he wants to see whether he can get her back... Honestly, I don't think he's over her and I don't think he will be over her for a while. Time to start seeing other men, JMHO.

08-05-2005, 02:31 PM	#5
lisamoran Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Staten Island, NY Posts: 999 Gallery: lisamoran Stats: 188/176:(/150 first goal WOE: WW... for now Start Date: Feb. 06	I am very sorry you are going through this. If he is willing to try again with her after she cheated on him 3 times then he still has big time feelings for her. As hard as it will be, it's time for you to let go and move on.

08-05-2005, 04:40 PM	#6
Nancy Pancy Playground Sweetheart Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 66,191 Gallery: Nancy Pancy Stats: 160/146.4/WTHk WOE: LowerCarbs/Plenty of Walking Start Date: 03/03/03	Denise,this is not the most wonderful man you've ever met. He is scum. If you've been with him for four months and one weekend away he let's the cheating wife back in, then they deserve each other. No one should be treated like this. Hold your head up high, promptly walk in the opposite direction that he's in and keep going. Somewhere out there is a man who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. This man is not the one. He is not worth the energy of mourning. Count yourself lucky and move on.

08-06-2005, 01:42 PM	#10
shanes_grrl Senior LCF Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 798 Gallery: shanes_grrl Stats: 289.6/286.0/150 WOE: Low Carb Start Date: 10/2/06	I am sorry for your hear ache... He isnt ready yet and I think that any ties to him for a long while will only hurt you more. Just let it go honey. something else will come around you'll see.

08-06-2005, 01:49 PM	#11
JRo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: District of Columbia Posts: 13,277 Gallery: JRo Stats: 205/190/125 WOE: atkins Start Date: August 2008	back away from the situation immediately. Tell him to call you when he gets his life in order, and tell him not to contact you before that. Don't contact him either. Just let it go - if it's meant to be he will get in touch and tell the wife to leave him alone.

08-08-2005, 06:43 AM	#13
Acura Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Rockledge, Fl Posts: 579 Gallery: Acura Stats: 5'9 Start BMI 53.3 310 7/22/2007 WOE: RNY exercise, lots and lots of cardo Start Date: 7/22/2007	thanx all for your words, this weekend was one of recovery, I feel a lot better today, and I havent cheated yet on my diet. You are all correct, he isnt the man for me, and I know this, just takes time for the pain to go away. Thank you HUG

08-08-2005, 09:56 PM	#15
TeacartLady Guest Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 175 Gallery: TeacartLady Stats: 232/173/135 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 08/01/04	No matter what has happened in his relationship with his X..he is not finished and is not ready to comit totally to a new relationship...You are the one that will be hurt and have to move on to be whole one day.....He has you both in a way....hang in there...Your heart will heal....if need....

08-09-2005, 06:21 AM	#17
Acura Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Rockledge, Fl Posts: 579 Gallery: Acura Stats: 5'9 Start BMI 53.3 310 7/22/2007 WOE: RNY exercise, lots and lots of cardo Start Date: 7/22/2007	Liz / everythingstaken, I told him that I will always love him and be here for him, and yes I need to move on. I am trying to keep communications open so he can come to me when he needs someone to talk too. Right now his Ex says he isnt allowed to talk to me, see me or anything, so all I can do is wait for him to take the step and contact me since he doesnt answer my calls. (which I have stopped calling) I have let him go, and if it is ment to be than he will come back. Right now I am on the path of healing and moving on, while hoping ( I know I am so sad) that he comes back.

08-09-2005, 11:13 AM	#18
Spingmommy Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Tampabay, FL Posts: 69 Gallery: Spingmommy Stats: 200/154/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 07/19/05	I would not keep in touch with him ! You need to end it and forget it NOW. You need to forgive him because if you don't he'll always have control over you.

08-09-2005, 12:47 PM	#19
kimlou MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,688 Gallery: kimlou Stats: 186/147/135 OR LOWER WOE: LC/Low Cal Start Date: February 2004/REINTRO 10/05	and go ahead with your life. The ex situation can be very emotional and honestly after the cheat you will wonder if it has or will it happen again. My ex was so set forth straight there was no hope for us. Then one day after he found out I was getting serious about my now DH he was ready to try[b] it was too late then. But even now I will still get a call. My DH ex also tried after she found out I was in the picture. Honestly neither one wanted to reconcile they just did not want there to be someone else you know "just incase" they wanted to really come back they wanted the option to be there. Go ahead with your life if he cheated then he is not ready to start with anyone else. You are hurting but as time goes on there will be someone who loves you and only you with no aprehensions.