Need some advice/help

[Allison'sMom]

My DH and I moved to Washington state in May. I left all my family and friends. Well, I am going home to visit for 1 month (from August 24th to September 25th).

I am VERY excited to be home with my family and friends, but I'm nervous about being away from DH for a whole month!!

First, I'm going to miss him terribly!! I love him very much and know it's going to be hard to be without him for a whole month.

Second, I'm kind of worried that while I'm gone, he will be out at the bars drinking and picking up women. I trust my DH totally, but I just have this fear in the back of my mind that own't go away. I am taking our 2 children with us and he will have nothing but free time. Does anyone have any suggestions how I can get this idea out of my head?!?

Okay, I think that is my biggest issue here. Does anyone have any advice on how to get me through the next month? Thanks!

[funkycamper]

Are you insecure about this for no reason? Or does he have a history of doing things he shouldn't?

If he's never given you pause to be concerned, why do you think he would act different in your absence?

[Allison'sMom]

No, he doesn't have a history of it. He's always been very loyal to me. The issue is my own insecurities. I guess I am just looking for some reassurance that even though I won't be here to "please" him, he won't go find it somewhere else. Maybe someone else has gone through this before?

[funkycamper]

If it's your own insecurities, I would say that the only thing you can do is to build up your self-esteem. My husband used to travel a lot for work some years back. Most trips were only 3-4 days. Once in awhile, he'd be gone 2-3 weeks. I never worried about him doing anything he shouldn't while he was gone. I just think you should trust people until/unless they do something to ruin your trust. If he hasn't done anything like this before, why would you being gone for awhile make him do it now?

Look, contrary to what we see in movies and soap operas, men have morals, values, and are able to keep their pants on even if a beautiful girl is flirting with them and their wife is on a trip for a month. A guy who has never strayed nor given you reason to worry, is not likely to jump at it now just because you're gone. If he was gonna do it, he'd be doing it anyway.

Gosh, I don't know your husband from Adam, so I can't promise you this but, speaking as a social worker, people don't suddenly do behavior the opposite of what they've always done just because, all of a sudden, there is nothing to stop them. Example: I'm not a pot smoker. If pot were made legal, I still wouldn't smoke it. It's not the law that stops me, it's the fact that it doesn't interest me. If I wanted to, I'd smoke it now, but I don't. Make sense?

To be honest, when I read your OP, I saw more red flags in the fact that you've only been in your new home for about 3 months and are already going back to your old home for a month-long visit. What's up with that? It seems that you should still be enjoying settling into your new home and exploring what's out there to see and do with your husband rather than running home to other family/friends for a whole month after such a short time here. I don't understand that.

[Bubbles]

My DH used to travel 3 weeks a month and infidelity was never an issue. Thank god. But, if I can remain faithful with no problem then why would I suspect that the man who adores me to be any different?
A month is a very long time to be seperated especially with small children why did you book such a long trip?

[BABSY]

I dont blame you for feeling this. I wont even go for a weekend cause of the same worries. I have reason though. He used to go while I was right in the house. He would fight with me and then take off to the strip clubs. I think a month is way too long. I wouldnt go.One time he didnt come home for 3 days. I even found a pack of rubbers under this elephant thing that was hanging on the wall. It was under it with an auto part receipt. I kicked him out for that and he still says it aint his.

[Allison'sMom]

Well....the whole thing behind the long trip. I was originally going to go for about 2 weeks. Then, DH suggested I go for a whole month. We moved out here and after about 1 month, I was ready to go back home. I miss my family and friends so much. I have no friends here, and feel pretty alone. So, I know he suggested for me to go for a month because he wants to see me happy. I am going to be coming back with his mom, who is moving out here too.

I know that it's silly for me to worry. He has never given me reason to doubt him. We both have our insecurities, and we both work through them together. I have been working on my self-esteem for years, and have come a long way. I just still worry needlessly from time to time.

I am thankful that you guys responded. Thanks so much!

[BABSY]

I hate to say it, but I think I would be suspicious of him wanting you to stay longer than 2 weeks. I would think that he would miss you too. Many women are very nieve when it comes to their men and that is when they take advantage. Dont let him have the opportunity.

[funkycamper]

Babsy, people in happy marriages with mutual love and respect act far different than those who don't enjoy these qualities in their relationships.

Allison's Mom, I say trust him until/unless he gives you a reason not to trust him. If a man is going to cheat, he's gonna doe it whether you're in town or not. If he's not the type to cheat, he won't do it. Period. Again, most decisions folks make in life come down to values, not opportunity.

[Allison'sMom]

Thanks FunkyCamper. I was really looking for someone to reassure me that DH has never cheated before, so he's not likely to start now.

I appreciate everyone's input.

[LCinHouston]

Allison's mom - I think one thing to help you in your mind is to bring it up to your husband. promise mental-emotional-physical fidelity while you're gone, and ask that he do the same.

DH and I both travel for our jobs, and we talk about this often. we commit to each other each time one of us leaves the other - even if it's for a night. it's very romantic to say these words, and keeps us mindful of each other in word, thought and deed.

also, we talk on the phone every morning and night. night is especially helpful - because I think of him as I'm preparing for bed.

*hugs*

[TeacartLady]

AllisonsMom...Thank about the wives that are being seperated for along time from their husbands right now overseas...But since you are only going for a short time ...I suggest leaving love notes in different places and other little surprises for my hubby to find while you are away...it would be fun to make for you and to leave for him to find..love notes, favorite candy, things that will remind him of your love and the kids..He will be happy to see you return....LOL...I promise you....

[TeacartLady]

OOPs....Your hubby to find...wow...LOL

[Allison'sMom]

Thanks ladies for the suggestions! I did talk to DH and he was very understanding and even admitted that he too had some fears about me being gone.

I know how terrible it is for me to voluntarily go away for a month and then complain, when the men and women defending our country do it for a long time and be overseas!! to them!!!

[1Life2Live]

You have a friend here!

Okay about the hubby. Hunny, if he has not cheated in the past or given you any reason to distrust him then he is not going to. Remember men don't need a warm body to get "Pleased". And I think he can handle it for a month.

I would leave the Love Notes, and little gifts! Oh that sounds like so much fun. Put some in his undies, in his shaving bag, wallet, mail him some naughty panties, notes in the coffee. Oh I would love to do this.

If you ever need a friend I am just a stones toss away!

[wcsis]

Allison's mom -

WHERE in Washington are you? I am in Bremerton - having moved 18 years ago from New Jersey with my now ex-husband.

I left my family and friends behind when I moved and I was miserable without them all the first year but I made new friends, found new things to do. It takes time to make new friends, especially when you leave someplace that has always been your home and it is all so familiar. Suddenly you feel that your world and life has been turned upside down - you just have to make it right side up again which takes some time.

[Allison'sMom]

Wcsis - I replied, but I think my post got lost in the server issue last week! Sorry!

Anyhow, I'm in Tacoma. I'm actually REALLY close to Lakewood, but technically in Tacoma! I'm so glad to hear that others have been where I am, and survived!! Life is getting easier. I still haven't made any friends, but I pretty much stay home all day with my kids and at home at night with the whole family. So, it's hard to meet people.

My MIL is moving up here at the end of September, so I'll have someone to babysit on occassion, which should make it easier for DH and I to go out and meet some people! Thank goodness! I also plan to get a part-time job when I come back from visiting home, so that will make things better too, I think.

Thanks for the encouragement and the support! It means a lot!

[funkycamper]

Maybe you should also see if there's some kind of group in your area for young mothers. Maybe a playgroup for the kids which gives you a chance to meet other mothers? Are you a church-goer? That's usually another good way to meet friends.

A friend of mine with kids at preschool age put her kids into a co-op preschool which required a certain amount of volunteer hours per month from the parents. She met a lot of new friends there with kids the same age so they could play together while the moms visited.

[Allison'sMom]

Thanks for the idea Camper! We're not church-goers...but, the mom's group is a good idea!