When your world crumbles at your feet ...

Capshner · 07-31-2005, 05:47 PM

Hello - I don't know if anyone remembers me, but I posted about two years ago in a thread that had to do with me finding my hubby's profile on an internet dating site and confronting him about it. We talked about it and agreed to work through it. A month ago, he told me that at that time, not only was he contacting single women through chat rooms, but that he had actually met one of them in our city and had a one-night stand. If that wasn't bad enough, he informed me that I needed to get tested for AIDS and STDs. Fortunately, I was fine, but it was a humiliating and debasing experience.

He offered to give me the house and kids and everything, but I was too shocked to do anything. We have a three and five year old and he is an amazing father and they love him very much. We have agreed to work this out, but I am having a REALLY hard time. Everytime I try and work on healing myself and my relationship, I get these nasty visual images and scenarios that just make me feel like I will never get over this. If it was just me, I would have been gone so fast, leaving a trail of smoke behind me, but I have to think about my kids first and foremost. I don't know if I would be better off starting over or trying to live with this ultimate betrayal and learning to cope with it. Right now it feels impossible that I'll ever be able to forgive and trust him like I did before. And what do you do about those horrible gut-wrenching images that will not stop playing in your head? We have been together 11 years, married for 7. I know there was a similar thread started earlier about someone else who was going through a similar situation, although much worse, but I didn't want to threadjack.

My husband says he wants to stay together and has been going to counselling with me, but I just don't know if I can get over this without always feeling bitter and hurt and angry. Well, this is a pretty depressing post, but it does feel better to get it out. I'm just wondering if anyone can give some advice on how to deal with this sort of situation. I don't really have anyone impartial that I can talk to and this helps a little, even if no one responds.

LuvToLose · 07-31-2005, 06:52 PM

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and though I haven't experienced what you have, I can only imagine what it feels like. I think that once you have made the decision to make your marriage work, you need to let it go or it is going to tear you apart. Is therapy helping? If not, maybe you need to find another therapist. I think that given that he is willing to go with you is a big step for any man in showing that he is willing to work things out. If you find that you can't get over the anger and hurt, maybe you need to leave him. I know you want to stay because of the kids, but they want a happy mommy and they wil be better off. I hope things work out and know there have been others in your situation who have survived and come out better in the end. I know I didn't help but I at least wanted to respond to you.

Capshner · 07-31-2005, 07:06 PM

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I guess it might be too soon to expect to forgive and start over, but I hate the not knowing part. I really don't know if I will be able to even if I want to.

SJN02 · 07-31-2005, 07:19 PM

This happend to me back in April. My Dh had a affair and it tore me apart. We also have 2 kids. Since we are both christians, we got counciling with a pastor and his wife (not at our home church) and I had the same prob. you are having about thinking about the time they had together and the images. They told me that everytime I have a image pop into my head or anytime I think about it to pray. Stop what I am doing and pray and give it to God. Ask God to take that image out and when I think about it, I change my thoughts to positive thoughts. It has REALLY helped me with this. Also on the forgiving. As hard as it is you really need to forgive your dh. I have forgiven mine already and it has made a huge difference in my attitude for him. One thing I learned too in counseling is that although I did not tell him to go and sleep with someone I did have a part in it. I was trying to be his mother, I was nagging at him and always questioning why he wanted to do this or that. Men don't like that and they will look for someone who will give them the comfort they need....men are pigs

So try to look back and see what was going on with you and DH at that time. Don't get me wrong, maybe everything was fine with you and Dh at the time...but it did help me to see that I did chase him off...kind of... I hope you and your DH do work it out. I think since you have already decided to work things out that you do need to forgive him. You will NEVER forget, but you need to forgive him and show him (and your kids) that you do respect him. I know how hard this is. My dh's affair was in April and if it was not for the counseling we got I don't know if I could work on things. God is so great!!! Lean on him for your healing.

SJN02 · 07-31-2005, 07:20 PM

Just wanted to add too that just because you forgive him does not mean you have to trust him...trust has got to be earned back. I can't wait until I can trust my DH again.

Snapdragon · 07-31-2005, 08:18 PM

Hey there.

First, I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. I feel for you and your kids.

I went through this with exDH. We started dating when I was 13 years old. We got married when I was 22. We were married for 6 years. Not long after our son was born, I was going through PPD in a really bad way. He was a full time student and working full time. I was a part time student and working part time. We never saw each other. I hear through the grapevine that he's got girlfriends. Yep, more than one. There were some other things going badly in our relationship at the time, and we started counseling. We spent some of the time with a marriage counselor, and some with his parish priest. (He's Christian, I am not). Somtimes it went well, sometimes not. We decided to seperate for a while to see if the space would let us counsel better. It seemed to be working.

About this time, my best friend suggested that I be tested for STD's, just in case. I did. I got my lab results back, and everything was normal. He, however, wasn't so lucky. He ended up contraction syhpilis, herpes, HPV and HIV.

We continued counseling for a while, and we ended up getting a divorce. The divorce was HIS idea, however. I was, at the time, willing to try and work on it.

You need to consider two things. First, your kids. You need to think about, are they aware of the problems that you two are having. If they are, then you need to deal with how they are affected NOW. Also, you need to weigh whether they would be better off in a home where you two are always at odds (giving them the impression that this is how marriage is supposed to be - if this is the case ) or if a divorce and a clean break would be best at this juncture.

Ultimately, you need to figure out where you stand. I know people are always saying, "If he/she cheats on me, we're through." In real life, though, it isn't that simple. If he's willing to take responsibility for his actions, is serious about working through this, and promises not to do it again, it might be worth a shot. If you don't try it, you may always wonder, "WHAT IF". Communication and rebuilding trust are going to be a big thing for you. You might be able to forgive, but you'll never forget - nor should you.

One thing to keep in mind here: if you do try and work this out, you need to start fresh NOW. Insist on honesty and communication, no matter how trivial the subject. You need to set the same standards for youself that you do for him - and for the kids. And you need to remind yourself that you can't hold his past against him. Yes, its there, and both of you know it. But at the same time, you can't move forward if your carrying it around on your back. Have your sought counseling alone - for yourself? If not, you should, and so should he. The best marriage counseling is when each partner talks to someone apart from the couple's therapist and then meets to work together. This is as much about you as it is about him.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best. Check back in if you need to talk. Hugs!

Capshner · 07-31-2005, 08:44 PM

Thanks so much for all the compassionate words, everyone - I am getting individual counselling as well, as is he. I know I have a substantial role in this as well. I basically acted as if I didn't care about him and stopped doing the little things that prove that you love someone like making coffee in the morning and doing his laundry on time. He figured I had stopped caring about him and got lonely, I guess. I do take responsibility for that. He really does want to work things out and he's saying and doing all the right things. He quit drinking that night that he told me, started AA meetings and is doing the counselling, both together and for himself. We don't fight and our kids are totally oblivious to all this as all the discussions we've had have been well after they've gone to bed. We both love our kids with all we have and will protect them at all costs, as this was discussed before we had kids if this situation ever arose. I just don't know how to begin forgiving - it seems like I have to give in and almost say, it's okay, I'll deal with it and we'll get back to normal. I want him to realize how much this hurts me. We've only had three counselling sessions together and one each separate, so I guess there's still a lot of work to do. Thanks again for the insights ...

JRo · 07-31-2005, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Capshner

I basically acted as if I didn't care about him and stopped doing the little things that prove that you love someone like making coffee in the morning and doing his laundry on time. He figured I had stopped caring about him and got lonely, I guess. I do take responsibility for that.

I'm sorry, but you not making coffee for him or doing his laundry "on time" does not justify his affair. You have to stop making excuses for him. Maybe that's why you're having such a difficult time with this - have you really confronted him on how angry and hurt you are? Or are you making excuses which keep you from expressing your perfectly valid feelings?

Capshner · 07-31-2005, 10:10 PM

Welll, those are the things that he brought up that made him feel I didn't care about him anymore. I am keeping a lot of the hurt and anger inside. I am working on that with my therapist. It seems like I get it all out and we have a discussion about it, but then it comes back all over again time and time again as strong as it was before and it's a gut-wrenching cycle that sometimes feels unbearable. I know I didn't make him cheat on me, but I feel like if I could have known or done something sooner or better, it wouldn't have happened.

funkycamper · 07-31-2005, 10:30 PM

I'm sorry to be so blunt....but that's BS! No matter what you did or didn't do, HE's in control of his behavior, NOT you. It doesn't matter if the house is a pit and he has no clean clothes, that's no excuse for an affair. Don't blame yourself. I'm surprised your therapist hasn't emphasized this. No one is responsible for our own behavior but ourselves. YOU did nothing to cause this.

Snapdragon · 07-31-2005, 11:29 PM

Yes, you have some work ahead. You're not saying that its okay - because it isn't . Forgiveness won't happen overnight. He needs to understand that. The trust needs to be rebuilt, and that won't happen overnight either. Given time and attention, it'll get better, though.

JunkintheTrunk · 08-01-2005, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funkycamper

I'm sorry to be so blunt....but that's BS! No matter what you did or didn't do, HE's in control of his behavior, NOT you. It doesn't matter if the house is a pit and he has no clean clothes, that's no excuse for an affair. Don't blame yourself. I'm surprised your therapist hasn't emphasized this. No one is responsible for our own behavior but ourselves. YOU did nothing to cause this.

I'm so glad that someone finally said this.

I hope you can work through it all but you have to know that your anger isn't abnormal or unjustified. It's good that he's saying and doing all the right things now (and doing is MUCH more important than saying). Please don't stress yourself out by worrying about when you'll be able to forgive him. Forgiveness is like trust... it's gradual and it can take a while. He's hurt you deeply and forgiving something like that isn't like flipping a switch. The two of you are basically rebuilding your relationship. That's not something that can happen overnight.

Abbey · 08-01-2005, 10:51 AM

I'm truly sorry you are going through this pain. Everyone handles these things differently and only you know if you can get over this and be happy. If you really want your marriage to work, it will take lots of time and patience. Talking really helps - let all your feelings out - let him know that you are hurt, angry, etc. - It is NOT your fault. He was WRONG.

browneyedgirl · 08-01-2005, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Capshner

...but I feel like if I could have known or done something sooner or better, it wouldn't have happened.

Maybe. Maybe not. Try not to get into the "If only I had done XYZ, this wouldn't have happened."

The choice to have an affair is a selfish one. It's about them getting THEIR emotional and/or sexual needs met.

My ex-husband cheated on me and it took a very long time before I stopped blaming myself for his actions. I took responsibility for alienating his affection, but HE made the decision to begin a relationship with another woman before he and I had ended our marriage.

to you during this very difficult time.

Mushmush · 08-01-2005, 12:36 PM

I've recently been through the same chit and let me tell you, the way I feel now, two months after discovering my husbands indiscretions, I'm beginning to think that I will never be able to forgive, forget or trust him again. But that does not mean that our marriage is caput, not yet, at least.

I can't give a lot of advice since I am still struggling a lot myself, but don't let your husband talk you into believing that his infidelity is somehow your fault. Not having one's laundry done or coffee made or something similar is not a licence to go out and screw some woman, and without using protection at that.

He did it not because of coffee, laundry, not feeling loved, etc. but because it was there, it was available, he liked doing it and couldn't/wouldn't resist the temptation. Sadly, some men do have a certain sence of entitlement when it comes to affairs.

Well, hugs to you, and I hope you can deal with this situation in a way that's best for you and your children.

wannabeslim4life · 08-01-2005, 03:21 PM

I have to agree with funkycamper it makes me SO mad that a man can be so selfish!

instead of coming to you and talking about what he was feeling which is a huge part of making a marriage survive he turned to a stranger for sex there is no excuse for that at all imo that is pure selfishness and I would not be able to forgive that behavior. But since you have chosen to work things out you do need to work on trusting him or else you will have grudge over him and cause much more pain than you would if you seperated. You are entitled to always remember and always remind him, if he wants to be with you then he should understand he has betrayed your marriage in the worst way and its not something that a few counseling sessions will make okay, it will take a very long time to truly feel forgiveness in your heart you may be able to say you are forgiving him but deep down you have a long way to go. You are a strong woman for trying to work this out and he should spend the rest of his life doing what he can to show you how important,needed and loved you are. You said if it were just you and you didnt have your children to worry about you would leave, so that shows right there that you arent ready to forgive him and you are still to hurt. And 2 years ago after the healing you dealt with just for the dating service and then a month ago he dropped an even bigger bomb on you?!? you have a long journey ahead of you and I pray that whatever you choose that you find happiness and closure and do what is best for yourself and your children.

AllegraD · 08-01-2005, 10:00 PM

Remember - you alone (no matter what you do) cannot make this relationship work - he is going to need to make changes too. Give it your best - and make an intelligent decision.

jenny5309 · 08-02-2005, 12:09 PM

I remember that post

Capshner · 08-02-2005, 06:35 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice and sensitivity. I am taking it day by day and some days are like everything is fine and then it hits me all over again and it feels like it's just not worth it. I hate this rollercoaster and am angry that I have to go through it all. He did this when we were dating about nine years ago, so it doesn't feel fair that I have to go through this all over, although I guess I should have been smart enough to leave after the first time, but I was only 19 and so naive still. I'm so confused and I want to do the right thing, but I'm not even sure what that is. We have tons in common and genuinely like each other, no problems in the bedroom, and have shared a lot of years together. He's sorry and is trying, but I don't feel very optimistic that I can get over this. I just hope it's still too early to decide anything final yet and that this feeling of hopelessness eventually gets easier to deal with. Thanks again for all your support ...

JunkintheTrunk · 08-03-2005, 04:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Capshner

I'm so confused and I want to do the right thing, but I'm not even sure what that is.

I just hope it's still too early to decide anything final yet and that this feeling of hopelessness eventually gets easier to deal with. Thanks again for all your support ...

You bet it's too early to decide anything final yet. This is a big decision and you won't feel this way (undecided and confused) forever. Good on you for trying and for not jumping to any hasty decisions.

But things WILL become clearer and you WILL know what is best for you and your family. Trust yourself enough to wait for that.

funkycamper · 08-03-2005, 09:22 AM

I agree that it's probably too early to make a major, permanent decision. However, since he's done this before, I'm skeptical that it won't happen again. Hopefully, with counseling, he'll change his value-system making it more likely he won't do it again. If he refuses to get counseling to help him understand why he's compelled to do things like this that hurt other people, I would be skeptical about his desire to change. Yes, I'm being blunt again....sorry. I wish you the best.

Lotus Vixen · 08-03-2005, 10:07 AM

An ex BF of mine had online affairs, so I know a little about how you're feeling. I just want to reiterate what a few other people have already touched on - it's not your fault that he cheated on you. Not having coffee made may have made him feel unloved and unwanted, but it was HIS RESPONSIBILITY to communicate those feeling to you and try to work it out instead of taking the easy way out and having an affair. This was my ex's excuse too, and it just doesn't cut it. We did end up splitting up, but it wasn't only because he strayed....there were a lot of other areas in our relationship that just didn't work.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and wish you all the best...

Lori

07-31-2005, 05:47 PM	#1
Capshner Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 77 Gallery: Capshner Stats: 137/122/115 WOE: Atkins Start Date: December 2003	When your world crumbles at your feet ... Hello - I don't know if anyone remembers me, but I posted about two years ago in a thread that had to do with me finding my hubby's profile on an internet dating site and confronting him about it. We talked about it and agreed to work through it. A month ago, he told me that at that time, not only was he contacting single women through chat rooms, but that he had actually met one of them in our city and had a one-night stand. If that wasn't bad enough, he informed me that I needed to get tested for AIDS and STDs. Fortunately, I was fine, but it was a humiliating and debasing experience. He offered to give me the house and kids and everything, but I was too shocked to do anything. We have a three and five year old and he is an amazing father and they love him very much. We have agreed to work this out, but I am having a REALLY hard time. Everytime I try and work on healing myself and my relationship, I get these nasty visual images and scenarios that just make me feel like I will never get over this. If it was just me, I would have been gone so fast, leaving a trail of smoke behind me, but I have to think about my kids first and foremost. I don't know if I would be better off starting over or trying to live with this ultimate betrayal and learning to cope with it. Right now it feels impossible that I'll ever be able to forgive and trust him like I did before. And what do you do about those horrible gut-wrenching images that will not stop playing in your head? We have been together 11 years, married for 7. I know there was a similar thread started earlier about someone else who was going through a similar situation, although much worse, but I didn't want to threadjack. My husband says he wants to stay together and has been going to counselling with me, but I just don't know if I can get over this without always feeling bitter and hurt and angry. Well, this is a pretty depressing post, but it does feel better to get it out. I'm just wondering if anyone can give some advice on how to deal with this sort of situation. I don't really have anyone impartial that I can talk to and this helps a little, even if no one responds.

07-31-2005, 07:19 PM	#4
SJN02 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 2,514 Gallery: SJN02 Stats: 220/216/145 WOE: Low Calorie Start Date: Jan. 1, 09 (after a million starts)	This happend to me back in April. My Dh had a affair and it tore me apart. We also have 2 kids. Since we are both christians, we got counciling with a pastor and his wife (not at our home church) and I had the same prob. you are having about thinking about the time they had together and the images. They told me that everytime I have a image pop into my head or anytime I think about it to pray. Stop what I am doing and pray and give it to God. Ask God to take that image out and when I think about it, I change my thoughts to positive thoughts. It has REALLY helped me with this. Also on the forgiving. As hard as it is you really need to forgive your dh. I have forgiven mine already and it has made a huge difference in my attitude for him. One thing I learned too in counseling is that although I did not tell him to go and sleep with someone I did have a part in it. I was trying to be his mother, I was nagging at him and always questioning why he wanted to do this or that. Men don't like that and they will look for someone who will give them the comfort they need....men are pigs So try to look back and see what was going on with you and DH at that time. Don't get me wrong, maybe everything was fine with you and Dh at the time...but it did help me to see that I did chase him off...kind of... I hope you and your DH do work it out. I think since you have already decided to work things out that you do need to forgive him. You will NEVER forget, but you need to forgive him and show him (and your kids) that you do respect him. I know how hard this is. My dh's affair was in April and if it was not for the counseling we got I don't know if I could work on things. God is so great!!! Lean on him for your healing. __________________ Kim Goals for the first 3 months in 2009: Jan: 220,219,218,217,216,215,214,213,212,211,210 Feb: 209,208,207,206,205,204,203,202,201,200,199 Mar: 198,197,196,195,194,193,192,191,190,189,188 We will not end this month in the same place we began it. -Jen

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07-31-2005, 06:52 PM	#2
LuvToLose MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: rock hill,sc Posts: 1,740 Gallery: LuvToLose Stats: 157/156/125	I'm sorry you are dealing with this and though I haven't experienced what you have, I can only imagine what it feels like. I think that once you have made the decision to make your marriage work, you need to let it go or it is going to tear you apart. Is therapy helping? If not, maybe you need to find another therapist. I think that given that he is willing to go with you is a big step for any man in showing that he is willing to work things out. If you find that you can't get over the anger and hurt, maybe you need to leave him. I know you want to stay because of the kids, but they want a happy mommy and they wil be better off. I hope things work out and know there have been others in your situation who have survived and come out better in the end. I know I didn't help but I at least wanted to respond to you.

07-31-2005, 07:06 PM	#3
Capshner Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 77 Gallery: Capshner Stats: 137/122/115 WOE: Atkins Start Date: December 2003	Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I guess it might be too soon to expect to forgive and start over, but I hate the not knowing part. I really don't know if I will be able to even if I want to.

07-31-2005, 07:20 PM	#5
SJN02 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 2,514 Gallery: SJN02 Stats: 220/216/145 WOE: Low Calorie Start Date: Jan. 1, 09 (after a million starts)	Just wanted to add too that just because you forgive him does not mean you have to trust him...trust has got to be earned back. I can't wait until I can trust my DH again.

07-31-2005, 08:18 PM	#6
Snapdragon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: OVER THE RAINBOW Posts: 799 Gallery: Snapdragon Stats: 225/180/140 WOE: ATKINS '72 - Couch to 5k	Hey there. First, I'm very sorry that you have to go through this. I feel for you and your kids. I went through this with exDH. We started dating when I was 13 years old. We got married when I was 22. We were married for 6 years. Not long after our son was born, I was going through PPD in a really bad way. He was a full time student and working full time. I was a part time student and working part time. We never saw each other. I hear through the grapevine that he's got girlfriends. Yep, more than one. There were some other things going badly in our relationship at the time, and we started counseling. We spent some of the time with a marriage counselor, and some with his parish priest. (He's Christian, I am not). Somtimes it went well, sometimes not. We decided to seperate for a while to see if the space would let us counsel better. It seemed to be working. About this time, my best friend suggested that I be tested for STD's, just in case. I did. I got my lab results back, and everything was normal. He, however, wasn't so lucky. He ended up contraction syhpilis, herpes, HPV and HIV. We continued counseling for a while, and we ended up getting a divorce. The divorce was HIS idea, however. I was, at the time, willing to try and work on it. You need to consider two things. First, your kids. You need to think about, are they aware of the problems that you two are having. If they are, then you need to deal with how they are affected NOW. Also, you need to weigh whether they would be better off in a home where you two are always at odds (giving them the impression that this is how marriage is supposed to be - if this is the case ) or if a divorce and a clean break would be best at this juncture. Ultimately, you need to figure out where you stand. I know people are always saying, "If he/she cheats on me, we're through." In real life, though, it isn't that simple. If he's willing to take responsibility for his actions, is serious about working through this, and promises not to do it again, it might be worth a shot. If you don't try it, you may always wonder, "WHAT IF". Communication and rebuilding trust are going to be a big thing for you. You might be able to forgive, but you'll never forget - nor should you. One thing to keep in mind here: if you do try and work this out, you need to start fresh NOW. Insist on honesty and communication, no matter how trivial the subject. You need to set the same standards for youself that you do for him - and for the kids. And you need to remind yourself that you can't hold his past against him. Yes, its there, and both of you know it. But at the same time, you can't move forward if your carrying it around on your back. Have your sought counseling alone - for yourself? If not, you should, and so should he. The best marriage counseling is when each partner talks to someone apart from the couple's therapist and then meets to work together. This is as much about you as it is about him. Good luck, and I wish you all the best. Check back in if you need to talk. Hugs!

07-31-2005, 08:44 PM	#7
Capshner Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 77 Gallery: Capshner Stats: 137/122/115 WOE: Atkins Start Date: December 2003	Thanks so much for all the compassionate words, everyone - I am getting individual counselling as well, as is he. I know I have a substantial role in this as well. I basically acted as if I didn't care about him and stopped doing the little things that prove that you love someone like making coffee in the morning and doing his laundry on time. He figured I had stopped caring about him and got lonely, I guess. I do take responsibility for that. He really does want to work things out and he's saying and doing all the right things. He quit drinking that night that he told me, started AA meetings and is doing the counselling, both together and for himself. We don't fight and our kids are totally oblivious to all this as all the discussions we've had have been well after they've gone to bed. We both love our kids with all we have and will protect them at all costs, as this was discussed before we had kids if this situation ever arose. I just don't know how to begin forgiving - it seems like I have to give in and almost say, it's okay, I'll deal with it and we'll get back to normal. I want him to realize how much this hurts me. We've only had three counselling sessions together and one each separate, so I guess there's still a lot of work to do. Thanks again for the insights ...

07-31-2005, 10:10 PM	#9
Capshner Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 77 Gallery: Capshner Stats: 137/122/115 WOE: Atkins Start Date: December 2003	Welll, those are the things that he brought up that made him feel I didn't care about him anymore. I am keeping a lot of the hurt and anger inside. I am working on that with my therapist. It seems like I get it all out and we have a discussion about it, but then it comes back all over again time and time again as strong as it was before and it's a gut-wrenching cycle that sometimes feels unbearable. I know I didn't make him cheat on me, but I feel like if I could have known or done something sooner or better, it wouldn't have happened.

07-31-2005, 10:30 PM	#10
funkycamper MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,924 Gallery: funkycamper Stats: 237/181/??? WOE: Atkins/Bernstein Start Date: re-committed 10/10/04	I'm sorry to be so blunt....but that's BS! No matter what you did or didn't do, HE's in control of his behavior, NOT you. It doesn't matter if the house is a pit and he has no clean clothes, that's no excuse for an affair. Don't blame yourself. I'm surprised your therapist hasn't emphasized this. No one is responsible for our own behavior but ourselves. YOU did nothing to cause this.

07-31-2005, 11:29 PM	#11
Snapdragon Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: OVER THE RAINBOW Posts: 799 Gallery: Snapdragon Stats: 225/180/140 WOE: ATKINS '72 - Couch to 5k	Yes, you have some work ahead. You're not saying that its okay - because it isn't . Forgiveness won't happen overnight. He needs to understand that. The trust needs to be rebuilt, and that won't happen overnight either. Given time and attention, it'll get better, though.

08-01-2005, 10:51 AM	#13
Abbey Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 808 Gallery: Abbey Stats: 160/145/140 WOE: Atkins Maintenance Start Date: October 14, 2003	I'm truly sorry you are going through this pain. Everyone handles these things differently and only you know if you can get over this and be happy. If you really want your marriage to work, it will take lots of time and patience. Talking really helps - let all your feelings out - let him know that you are hurt, angry, etc. - It is NOT your fault. He was WRONG.

08-01-2005, 12:36 PM	#15
Mushmush MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: NJ Posts: 1,272 Gallery: Mushmush Stats: 172/135/132 WOE: WW Start Date: 1/7/2007 (Start WW)	I've recently been through the same chit and let me tell you, the way I feel now, two months after discovering my husbands indiscretions, I'm beginning to think that I will never be able to forgive, forget or trust him again. But that does not mean that our marriage is caput, not yet, at least. I can't give a lot of advice since I am still struggling a lot myself, but don't let your husband talk you into believing that his infidelity is somehow your fault. Not having one's laundry done or coffee made or something similar is not a licence to go out and screw some woman, and without using protection at that. He did it not because of coffee, laundry, not feeling loved, etc. but because it was there, it was available, he liked doing it and couldn't/wouldn't resist the temptation. Sadly, some men do have a certain sence of entitlement when it comes to affairs. Well, hugs to you, and I hope you can deal with this situation in a way that's best for you and your children.

08-01-2005, 03:21 PM	#16
wannabeslim4life Guest Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 6,093 Gallery: wannabeslim4life Stats: 177/163/120	I have to agree with funkycamper it makes me SO mad that a man can be so selfish! instead of coming to you and talking about what he was feeling which is a huge part of making a marriage survive he turned to a stranger for sex there is no excuse for that at all imo that is pure selfishness and I would not be able to forgive that behavior. But since you have chosen to work things out you do need to work on trusting him or else you will have grudge over him and cause much more pain than you would if you seperated. You are entitled to always remember and always remind him, if he wants to be with you then he should understand he has betrayed your marriage in the worst way and its not something that a few counseling sessions will make okay, it will take a very long time to truly feel forgiveness in your heart you may be able to say you are forgiving him but deep down you have a long way to go. You are a strong woman for trying to work this out and he should spend the rest of his life doing what he can to show you how important,needed and loved you are. You said if it were just you and you didnt have your children to worry about you would leave, so that shows right there that you arent ready to forgive him and you are still to hurt. And 2 years ago after the healing you dealt with just for the dating service and then a month ago he dropped an even bigger bomb on you?!? you have a long journey ahead of you and I pray that whatever you choose that you find happiness and closure and do what is best for yourself and your children.

08-01-2005, 10:00 PM	#17
AllegraD Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 279 Gallery: AllegraD	Remember - you alone (no matter what you do) cannot make this relationship work - he is going to need to make changes too. Give it your best - and make an intelligent decision.

08-02-2005, 12:09 PM	#18
jenny5309 Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 5,312 Gallery: jenny5309 Stats: 243/173/150 WOE: JENNY CRAIG!! =) Start Date: 12/8/2006	I remember that post

08-02-2005, 06:35 PM	#19
Capshner Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: Canada Posts: 77 Gallery: Capshner Stats: 137/122/115 WOE: Atkins Start Date: December 2003	Thanks everyone for the advice and sensitivity. I am taking it day by day and some days are like everything is fine and then it hits me all over again and it feels like it's just not worth it. I hate this rollercoaster and am angry that I have to go through it all. He did this when we were dating about nine years ago, so it doesn't feel fair that I have to go through this all over, although I guess I should have been smart enough to leave after the first time, but I was only 19 and so naive still. I'm so confused and I want to do the right thing, but I'm not even sure what that is. We have tons in common and genuinely like each other, no problems in the bedroom, and have shared a lot of years together. He's sorry and is trying, but I don't feel very optimistic that I can get over this. I just hope it's still too early to decide anything final yet and that this feeling of hopelessness eventually gets easier to deal with. Thanks again for all your support ...

08-03-2005, 09:22 AM	#21
funkycamper MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,924 Gallery: funkycamper Stats: 237/181/??? WOE: Atkins/Bernstein Start Date: re-committed 10/10/04	I agree that it's probably too early to make a major, permanent decision. However, since he's done this before, I'm skeptical that it won't happen again. Hopefully, with counseling, he'll change his value-system making it more likely he won't do it again. If he refuses to get counseling to help him understand why he's compelled to do things like this that hurt other people, I would be skeptical about his desire to change. Yes, I'm being blunt again....sorry. I wish you the best.

08-03-2005, 10:07 AM	#22
Lotus Vixen MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Northern Illinois Posts: 1,027 Gallery: Lotus Vixen Stats: 205/180/140 Start Date: April 2004	An ex BF of mine had online affairs, so I know a little about how you're feeling. I just want to reiterate what a few other people have already touched on - it's not your fault that he cheated on you. Not having coffee made may have made him feel unloved and unwanted, but it was HIS RESPONSIBILITY to communicate those feeling to you and try to work it out instead of taking the easy way out and having an affair. This was my ex's excuse too, and it just doesn't cut it. We did end up splitting up, but it wasn't only because he strayed....there were a lot of other areas in our relationship that just didn't work. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and wish you all the best... Lori