Need your opinions/moving in with b/f

LoCarbEmily · 07-13-2005, 02:41 PM

Well a brief summary of my situation. I am 23 years old, live here in Maryland alone...next closest family is in Nevada (mother) and Alaska (sister). I have been dating the same guy for 2 years. We have a great relationship...a few bumps in the road...but overall very good, I consider him a great friend and we spend ALL of our free time together. However, I often question his true feelings for me. He never tells me he loves me unless I make him, he rarely will talk about the future, definitely would never even play around with the idea of engagement or anything. I mean, yes, he does show he cares about me, but in very subtle ways. This relationship is moving VERY VERY slow. It also seems as though he will only show or say he cares when I am on the verge of breaking up with him.
Anyway, what brought me to write this thread is, he is going to be purchasing a house soon. I am starting grad school this fall, ALSO decreasing my hours at work from 40 to 32...I will be making significantly less than I am making now, and barely affording this expensive apartment where I live alone. He and I have toyed with the idea of me renting a room from him...where I would pay about half the rent I pay now, and split bills with him. He really doesn't NEED any rent from me, he can very well afford the house without my help, and to be honest, isn't really considering my moving in unless I bring up the subject. When I mentioned this to my mother, she thought it was completely ridiculous that I pay rent to him....that if he really cared about me,and understood my situation, and wanted to start a future with me, he would allow me to move in rent free, and just split the bills with him while I am in school for 2 years. I never thought about that before...but maybe she is right. I honestly could NEVER EVER EVER see my b/f allowing me to stay there and not pay rent....its kinda like, he better be getting something if I'm going to be living with him....like he would never look at my living with him as an asset in and of itself. When I think about that, I realize just how much Mike (my b/f) doesn't really care about me. This makes me think I need to break up with him and find someone who cares about me more...because as my mom says, I deserve better.
Anyway, sorry this is longwinded, but just wanted to get your ideas. Should I just give up on this relationship? Am I fighting a battle I will never win? Sometimes I feel like I'm more of his buddy, then a girl that he really loves and cares about. Just interested in some opinions, maybe someone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks

Pamalee63 · 07-13-2005, 02:45 PM

I hate to say it, but I think you need to read that book, "He's Just Not That Into You."

I personally would find it a red flag that he's buying a house and not talking about plans for moving you into it, or getting married, or anything else. I guess I agree with your mom on this guy.

Big hugs

Queen Mab · 07-13-2005, 02:46 PM

Lose him. From your post it sounds like he doesn't even make you happy. Why stay?

USMCmom · 07-13-2005, 02:48 PM

I hate to tell you this but I agree with your mother. Can you get a cheaper apartment to rent instead of moving in with him?

SunnySideUp · 07-13-2005, 02:51 PM

I think you need to decide what you want for your future. Do you want to get married and have 2.5 kids or will having just a boyfriend satisfy you? If you want the family life, you need to find someone willing to give that to you.

LoCarbEmily · 07-13-2005, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lcforlife

I hate to tell you this but I agree with your mother. Can you get a cheaper apartment to rent instead of moving in with him?

I suppose I could find a cheaper apartment, but it wouldn't be MUCH cheaper (unless I want to live in some very bad areas of Baltimore), and it also would require me to hire movers since I have no help to move all my crap (very heavy furniture!) I'm living paycheck to paycheck as it is, and I start school in a month...so its a very bad time.....

Sugar Patrol · 07-13-2005, 03:14 PM

I have to agree with the others that moving in would probably be a bad idea at this point. Moving in would just make all of the problems you have even worse. You are questioning how he feels about you, and money may be an issue.

Once you move in, it is exponentially harder to break up if need be. You could be sucked into a very bad situation for a very long time. Don't move in until you are sure things are "right" with you two. Right now, it sounds like you want to stay with him more out of "need" than love.

I also think you need to think seriously whether you want to continue this relationship. It sounds like you're not happy, and your SO is just going along with it. I think it's ultimatum time, because after 2 years, he should know how he feels about you, and if he's able to buy a house, he knows about commitment. Sounds like there are much greener pastures out there.

It may be a little harder in the interim, but it will be worth it. I know you must feel all alone, but moving in with him is not the answer.

USMCmom · 07-13-2005, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoCarbEmily

I suppose I could find a cheaper apartment, but it wouldn't be MUCH cheaper (unless I want to live in some very bad areas of Baltimore), and it also would require me to hire movers since I have no help to move all my crap (very heavy furniture!) I'm living paycheck to paycheck as it is, and I start school in a month...so its a very bad time.....

You're in a tough situation.

However moving in with him isn't the answer either. What if he kicks you out the first time yall have a disagreement?

brilliant100 · 07-13-2005, 03:41 PM

Living together to saee money is a bad idea in your situation. Figure out a way to make ends meet without getting him involved. Maybe you need to continue to work 40 hrs and just take a few classes. It is your responsiblity to take care of yourself espcally since he did not volunteer the idea first.

BigRed · 07-13-2005, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoCarbEmily

... He really doesn't NEED any rent from me, he can very well afford the house without my help, and to be honest, isn't really considering my moving in unless I bring up the subject. When I mentioned this to my mother, she thought it was completely ridiculous that I pay rent to him....that if he really cared about me,and understood my situation, and wanted to start a future with me, he would allow me to move in rent free, and just split the bills with him while I am in school for 2 years. ...

While I am not against living together before or instead of marriage... From your description of the situation, I have to agree with your mother. Even just friends would do that to help out.... If he isn't even willing for that, lose him, he's just using.

I know it's hard... and I am sorry... but in the long run, I think you will be much happier.

just my humble opinion...

JRo · 07-13-2005, 04:51 PM

you can and will find a way to pay for your own place. I was a grad student too, and I lived on $15k a year.

I think moving in with this guy is a terrible idea - as long as things are convenient and comfortable for him he doesn't have to make any effort, and it'll be even more convenient with you living there. A guy has to on some level realize that he risks losing you if he doesn't treat you well and start to make plans for the future, and if you're living there there's no incentive for him to make an effort.

Don't do it - you'll both be miserable.

Bubbles · 07-14-2005, 11:33 AM

Men are just like us, when you love someone you want them to be with you as much as possible. If you are not sure how a man feels after 6 months...............it's time to move on.

I think you answered your own question in your post.

RobinB · 07-15-2005, 09:51 AM

Hello from a neighbor! I'm in Lutherville, MD.

I must agree with Pamelalee!! Please give this some more thought and prayer.

gentylwind · 07-15-2005, 04:37 PM

I definitely agree with your mother on this one. When someone is in love, they want to be together as much as possible in every way possible and the idea of buying a house and moving in together would be a time of tremendous excitement for most.

I think it is time to move on hon. Really.

Jennyl · 07-18-2005, 04:22 AM

I don't think this is the ideal situation for the two of you to live together. If you moved in with him it's partly for convenience and not 100% because it's what the two of you want for your relationship. It sounds like he doesn't want the same things as you do, and if you you move in and then you break up, you will be in an even worse situation than if you had kept your own place. If he is not ready to live with you, it's better that you don't. If I were in this kind of situation I would look for a cheaper place or a roomate of my own....and I wouldn't bring up the subject of living together again. You do need to have a serious talk about your relationship with him though, if you both want different things in your future and you don't find this out until later on, someone will end up hurt and resentful.

shulamite · 07-29-2005, 03:20 PM

give YOU a chance... get away from this guy... at least away from living with him...

caramel · 07-29-2005, 10:28 PM

I am really not a fan of living together. I know you will make up your own mind in this situation but the posters have given you some good info. Your boyfriend sounds like a combination of two guys I dated earlier in my life. BF #1 we never would mention anything about the future with me we basically acted like brother and sister, would go to the movies, eat out, go to clubs , but it really never seemed like I had a future with him. My mother liked him at first then I had a few red flags on him. She quickly brought these out but it took a while for me to accept reality about this guy but finally I did. BF #2
was in the Air Force and living in base housing, he had a daughter but he pawned her over to his mother so he could party as much as he wanted. Now our realtionship had no problems He took me out , we spent a lot of time togther, I was still living at home with my mom at 24 and after two years of waiting for him to make a move we just stopped calling each other and that was it. I said all this to say If a guy wants to make a committment believe me it will be in his coversation and he won't try to hide away from the subject. Seven months after I seperated from Air Force guy I met my now Husband of almost 12 years, we were engaged after only 4 months and married 11 months after we met. But the best part is we talked about marriage from the very start and he told me look I'm looking for a wife , I want a family and I don't play I don't like playing games. He was a real man and we were on the same page. Please don't waste your time with relationships that are going nowhere.

ZigsAngel · 07-30-2005, 03:24 AM

People have offered very wise advice. You are a beautiful young woman with what appears to be a great career ahead of you. Truly, you deserve the best God has planned for you. Seek His face and He will meet all your needs -- finances, friendship, education, companionship. Never just 'settle'. Wait upon the Lord. Sometimes the Lord needs to get us alone to get our attention, to talk with us so we will listen to His voice. Will keep your situation lifted in prayer and trusting with you that God will lead you in the right direction. Blessings & Grace.

07-13-2005, 03:14 PM	#7
Sugar Patrol MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Mobile, AL Posts: 2,828 Gallery: Sugar Patrol Stats: 163.2/134.6/135 WOE: Isocaloric Start Date: 1/1/03	I have to agree with the others that moving in would probably be a bad idea at this point. Moving in would just make all of the problems you have even worse. You are questioning how he feels about you, and money may be an issue. Once you move in, it is exponentially harder to break up if need be. You could be sucked into a very bad situation for a very long time. Don't move in until you are sure things are "right" with you two. Right now, it sounds like you want to stay with him more out of "need" than love. I also think you need to think seriously whether you want to continue this relationship. It sounds like you're not happy, and your SO is just going along with it. I think it's ultimatum time, because after 2 years, he should know how he feels about you, and if he's able to buy a house, he knows about commitment. Sounds like there are much greener pastures out there. It may be a little harder in the interim, but it will be worth it. I know you must feel all alone, but moving in with him is not the answer. __________________ PROUD TO BE AN A$$KICKER!!! Walk Across America by Christmas Challenge Tuesday September 20 2.0 miles walking 4.0 miles jogging Total for Challenge: 93.3 miles

07-13-2005, 04:51 PM	#11
JRo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: District of Columbia Posts: 13,277 Gallery: JRo Stats: 205/190/125 WOE: atkins Start Date: August 2008	you can and will find a way to pay for your own place. I was a grad student too, and I lived on $15k a year. I think moving in with this guy is a terrible idea - as long as things are convenient and comfortable for him he doesn't have to make any effort, and it'll be even more convenient with you living there. A guy has to on some level realize that he risks losing you if he doesn't treat you well and start to make plans for the future, and if you're living there there's no incentive for him to make an effort. Don't do it - you'll both be miserable. __________________ Rosie, age 28, 5'5"

07-29-2005, 10:28 PM	#17
caramel Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 132 Gallery: caramel Stats: 180lc /173-JUDDD/169/135 WOE: JUDDD Start Date: reinducted lc 11/10/08 12/9/08- JUDDD	I am really not a fan of living together. I know you will make up your own mind in this situation but the posters have given you some good info. Your boyfriend sounds like a combination of two guys I dated earlier in my life. BF #1 we never would mention anything about the future with me we basically acted like brother and sister, would go to the movies, eat out, go to clubs , but it really never seemed like I had a future with him. My mother liked him at first then I had a few red flags on him. She quickly brought these out but it took a while for me to accept reality about this guy but finally I did. BF #2 was in the Air Force and living in base housing, he had a daughter but he pawned her over to his mother so he could party as much as he wanted. Now our realtionship had no problems He took me out , we spent a lot of time togther, I was still living at home with my mom at 24 and after two years of waiting for him to make a move we just stopped calling each other and that was it. I said all this to say If a guy wants to make a committment believe me it will be in his coversation and he won't try to hide away from the subject. Seven months after I seperated from Air Force guy I met my now Husband of almost 12 years, we were engaged after only 4 months and married 11 months after we met. But the best part is we talked about marriage from the very start and he told me look I'm looking for a wife , I want a family and I don't play I don't like playing games. He was a real man and we were on the same page. Please don't waste your time with relationships that are going nowhere. __________________ sunshine

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07-13-2005, 02:41 PM	#1
LoCarbEmily Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Owings Mills, MD Posts: 72 Gallery: LoCarbEmily WOE: 20g of carbs or less/day Start Date: 7/10/05	Need your opinions/moving in with b/f Well a brief summary of my situation. I am 23 years old, live here in Maryland alone...next closest family is in Nevada (mother) and Alaska (sister). I have been dating the same guy for 2 years. We have a great relationship...a few bumps in the road...but overall very good, I consider him a great friend and we spend ALL of our free time together. However, I often question his true feelings for me. He never tells me he loves me unless I make him, he rarely will talk about the future, definitely would never even play around with the idea of engagement or anything. I mean, yes, he does show he cares about me, but in very subtle ways. This relationship is moving VERY VERY slow. It also seems as though he will only show or say he cares when I am on the verge of breaking up with him. Anyway, what brought me to write this thread is, he is going to be purchasing a house soon. I am starting grad school this fall, ALSO decreasing my hours at work from 40 to 32...I will be making significantly less than I am making now, and barely affording this expensive apartment where I live alone. He and I have toyed with the idea of me renting a room from him...where I would pay about half the rent I pay now, and split bills with him. He really doesn't NEED any rent from me, he can very well afford the house without my help, and to be honest, isn't really considering my moving in unless I bring up the subject. When I mentioned this to my mother, she thought it was completely ridiculous that I pay rent to him....that if he really cared about me,and understood my situation, and wanted to start a future with me, he would allow me to move in rent free, and just split the bills with him while I am in school for 2 years. I never thought about that before...but maybe she is right. I honestly could NEVER EVER EVER see my b/f allowing me to stay there and not pay rent....its kinda like, he better be getting something if I'm going to be living with him....like he would never look at my living with him as an asset in and of itself. When I think about that, I realize just how much Mike (my b/f) doesn't really care about me. This makes me think I need to break up with him and find someone who cares about me more...because as my mom says, I deserve better. Anyway, sorry this is longwinded, but just wanted to get your ideas. Should I just give up on this relationship? Am I fighting a battle I will never win? Sometimes I feel like I'm more of his buddy, then a girl that he really loves and cares about. Just interested in some opinions, maybe someone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks

07-13-2005, 02:45 PM	#2
Pamalee63 Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Lubbock, TX Posts: 4,735 Gallery: Pamalee63 Stats: 246.5/240.8/175 (highest 260 in 1999) WOE: Atkins Start Date: 11/15/2008	I hate to say it, but I think you need to read that book, "He's Just Not That Into You." I personally would find it a red flag that he's buying a house and not talking about plans for moving you into it, or getting married, or anything else. I guess I agree with your mom on this guy. Big hugs

07-13-2005, 02:46 PM	#3
Queen Mab Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Where everything is wonderful Posts: 31,626 Gallery: Queen Mab Stats: 7/06 174 lbs. - 11/08 124 lbs.	Lose him. From your post it sounds like he doesn't even make you happy. Why stay?

07-13-2005, 02:48 PM	#4
USMCmom Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 3,149 Gallery: USMCmom Stats: size 14/10/8 WOE: stop eating so much Start Date: 2/2003	I hate to tell you this but I agree with your mother. Can you get a cheaper apartment to rent instead of moving in with him?

07-13-2005, 02:51 PM	#5
SunnySideUp Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 168 Gallery: SunnySideUp	I think you need to decide what you want for your future. Do you want to get married and have 2.5 kids or will having just a boyfriend satisfy you? If you want the family life, you need to find someone willing to give that to you.

07-13-2005, 03:41 PM	#9
brilliant100 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Western, USA Posts: 2,444 Gallery: brilliant100 Stats: 266/194/169 WOE: Atkins/M&E Feast, Lower fat & Lower calorie Start Date: restarted 6/1/05 M/E, back on the wagon 8-21-07	Living together to saee money is a bad idea in your situation. Figure out a way to make ends meet without getting him involved. Maybe you need to continue to work 40 hrs and just take a few classes. It is your responsiblity to take care of yourself espcally since he did not volunteer the idea first.

07-14-2005, 11:33 AM	#12
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Men are just like us, when you love someone you want them to be with you as much as possible. If you are not sure how a man feels after 6 months...............it's time to move on. I think you answered your own question in your post.

07-15-2005, 09:51 AM	#13
RobinB Heart Writer Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Maryland Posts: 2,170 Gallery: RobinB WOE: Atkins Start Date: restart March '07	Hello from a neighbor! I'm in Lutherville, MD. I must agree with Pamelalee!! Please give this some more thought and prayer.

07-15-2005, 04:37 PM	#14
gentylwind Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: south Posts: 7,238 Gallery: gentylwind Stats: 274/228.5/135 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Jan 2004	I definitely agree with your mother on this one. When someone is in love, they want to be together as much as possible in every way possible and the idea of buying a house and moving in together would be a time of tremendous excitement for most. I think it is time to move on hon. Really.

07-18-2005, 04:22 AM	#15
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	I don't think this is the ideal situation for the two of you to live together. If you moved in with him it's partly for convenience and not 100% because it's what the two of you want for your relationship. It sounds like he doesn't want the same things as you do, and if you you move in and then you break up, you will be in an even worse situation than if you had kept your own place. If he is not ready to live with you, it's better that you don't. If I were in this kind of situation I would look for a cheaper place or a roomate of my own....and I wouldn't bring up the subject of living together again. You do need to have a serious talk about your relationship with him though, if you both want different things in your future and you don't find this out until later on, someone will end up hurt and resentful.

07-29-2005, 03:20 PM	#16
shulamite MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: bakersfield, CA Posts: 2,779 Gallery: shulamite Stats: 190/157/140 5'8.5" 40yrs WOE: low carb low cal Start Date: org1/03 again 12/06 again 1/08	give YOU a chance... get away from this guy... at least away from living with him...

07-30-2005, 03:24 AM	#18
ZigsAngel Junior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: California Posts: 53 Gallery: ZigsAngel Stats: Grunt/Sigh/125 5'2" WOE: LFL Start Date: 6/27/2005 - Restart 7/5/2006	People have offered very wise advice. You are a beautiful young woman with what appears to be a great career ahead of you. Truly, you deserve the best God has planned for you. Seek His face and He will meet all your needs -- finances, friendship, education, companionship. Never just 'settle'. Wait upon the Lord. Sometimes the Lord needs to get us alone to get our attention, to talk with us so we will listen to His voice. Will keep your situation lifted in prayer and trusting with you that God will lead you in the right direction. Blessings & Grace.