What would you think about this situtation

Mule_Freak · 07-07-2005, 12:41 PM

My poor daughter is in a relationship (5 months old) w/a guy that seemed to me when I meet him to be the "next best thing to a peanut butter sandwich" he was so nice and sweet and just loads of fun to be around. Now he is very distant towards her, she tells me when he gets off work and comes home he will hardly say two words to her, other days he is "normal" acting. She has asked him point blank, do you want to go our seperate ways, he says no, she asks if he is seeing someone else, no, she says that he used to call her everyday just to say hello/tell her he loved her, etc... now she says he never calls, and when she tries to sit and ask him what is bothering him, he gives her no explanation, just jumps up off the couch and says "here is the key to the house, I will go stay at my parents house for the nite". I feel that he is putting her thru what I call mental abuse. I told her that if he did not want to talk things out and be a "man" then her best bet is to get the heck out of this "not going anywere relationship". I for one am totally against living together when not married (up bring in a Christian home) but when they are 21 yrs of age, they do as they feel, even when I advised her against it. I just am wondering what you guys think of his actions, I told her I think he is scared to break it off w/her and he is maybe driving at making her break up w/him so he does not feel guilty. Has anyone been thru an experience such as the above or close too? What did you do? I just want to make sure I give her good sound advice. Sorry if this doesn't make a boat load of sense, my heart is just breaking in to zillions of pc. for her. Guess we all hate to see our kids hurt and this can be one of the "worst" hurts ever. Thanks for any advice you might have

walkthebeach · 07-07-2005, 02:17 PM

I would advise my daughter to pack up and leave. She's only 21, why is she taking this crap from him? He sounds like a jerk. He should tell her one way or the other what his problem is. But you are right; she's an adult now and she'll do what she thinks is appropriate. This is one case where Dr. Phil is right: we teach people how to treat us. Plus, she is just so wasting her time.

Gini · 07-07-2005, 08:31 PM

he is saying non-verbally what he won't admit verbally. He wants out! She should say a nice friendly bye-bye!

springchick · 07-08-2005, 04:30 AM

Its clear there is a wide difference in maturity with this twosome. Your daughter is able to respectfully bring up concerns and her boyfriend respond like a moody 14 year old. You can offer her your best advice and it sounds like you do but you will have to rely on that good old Christian faith to get her through this. You sound like an awesome mom.
Kerry

Mule_Freak · 07-08-2005, 05:25 AM

Thanks guys for the advice and kind words, I am keeping tabs on her, and she knows that the door is always open for her to come home. Bless you all for listening

djalomo · 07-08-2005, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mule_Freak

Thanks guys for the advice and kind words, I am keeping tabs on her, and she knows that the door is always open for her to come home.

I think that's the best thing to do, cheers to you for being so open and supportive

Just as a side note, does his family have any history of mental illness? I only ask because I just got out of a long-term relationship with a man who was bipolar/manic depressive and over the two years got to see the ebbs and flows of his mood. When we started out he was also the next best thing to a peanut butter sandwich, then a few months later (around 5 or 6 months), he fell into a depressive state and became extremely distant and indifferent. I asked many times if he wanted to split and he said no, and we just kept going. There were a few official breakups, but after his "spells" were over he'd be right back to normal, and eventually we worked through it somewhat and he started medication and therapy and became more stable. It was a very difficult thing to go through but worth every minute.

A 5 months there may be things about him she does not know, but thankfully they're just living together and not married so she can bail at any moment if that's what she neds to do. Again, it's great that you're being so supportive -- I WISH I could have had a support system at the time but I knew my family wouldn't understand. We also have a history of depression and anxiety in my family and my mom thinks I'm a total loser for doing therapy and meds.

Jennyl · 07-09-2005, 01:23 AM

If he is unable or unwilling to communicate with her in a mature manner, I don't see how this relationship would be good for her.

RoseMary2040 · 07-10-2005, 04:27 AM

It sounds like he might be bi polor.....RoseMary

JRo · 07-10-2005, 10:35 PM

buy your daughter a copy of the book "He's Just Not That Into You."

It's kind of cliche and it's nothing we women don't already know, but somehow it was the slap in the face I needed to quit putting up with boys who were emotionally unavailable or controlling. Rather than get into power struggles or have to beg someone for attention, I just decided I deserve better and I don't put up with their crap anymore. And now I've found guys who really do treat me well.

gentylwind · 07-11-2005, 09:35 PM

Sounds to me like he wants out and does not know how to do that in a healthy way.

Bubbles · 07-12-2005, 08:16 AM

Young Love, they are so young to be living together after only five months. We are always in such a hurry to paly house and grow up and very often we are not ready. Just be thankful there is no marraige or children.
Sounds to me like he is regretting the decision (the reason does not matter) and your DD isn't sure how to handle it either. I would advise her to start packing. She has her entire life to meet someone that will adore her.

Mule_Freak · 07-12-2005, 08:26 AM

Thank You all for your advice, I have let my daughter read and I 110% agree w/all you have said and she seems to also, I pray she takes that 2nd step and dumps the doo-hoo. I am not a bragger, but she is such a pretty girl (of course Mums always think so of their kids ay?

) and he is nice looking in a sense, but not all that and a bag of chips so to speak, so I know she could find the "right guy" just has to be patient and it will come. I know looks are not every thing, bad daggone it, I just see a very smart girl, horse lover works w/horses, all her dreams have pretty much come true for her, and I dont want to see this man drag her down. Again still praying my tail end off that she will see the lite and move on. Thanks again guys for all your wonderful support and advice, it has sincerely helped her

Heartburn · 07-18-2005, 09:45 PM

Your daughter's lucky she can get out. My first husband behaved like a dream until after we got married. Then he started acting like this guy. I stuck it out through 13 years and one daughter. (He turned out to be a crummy father as well.)

You've given your daughter good advice. If he treats her like this now, he won't get better later. She should find someone who treats her the way she deserves to be treated.

kissesfromaudra · 08-16-2005, 01:43 AM

I am 21 and have been in the same shoes as your daughter. The thing was this guy I was living with was controlling and he even beat my poor little dog up (even though he said he didn't there was no one else there that could have hurt her and she sure are h*ll didn't do it to herself) anyway the best thing my Mother said to get me to move out was "would you like him to be your father." I was a little confused by what she was saying so I asked her to explain and she said that since we are living together there is always a chance something would happen and I could get pregnant and I needed to put myself in the shoes of a potential child and ask myself would I want him for a father. The answer was a BIG NO!!! That did it for me and I left. So maybe you should ask her the same question. Good luck!!!

Hugs,
Audra

Allison'sMom · 08-17-2005, 12:25 PM

I totally agree with what the others are saying! However, if she wants to give this a go...she needs to just sit down and tell him "Look, we need to talk about this, no running out, no change of subjects, etc..." There could be more going on than what we know. I think at first, it may seem that he wants out, but no one but him knows that for sure.

Whatever the outcome is, I hope that your daughter makes the right decision!

07-07-2005, 12:41 PM	#1
Mule_Freak MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,220 Gallery: Mule_Freak Stats: 145/125-130/135 WOE: moderate carbs Start Date: Oct. 2003	What would you think about this situtation My poor daughter is in a relationship (5 months old) w/a guy that seemed to me when I meet him to be the "next best thing to a peanut butter sandwich" he was so nice and sweet and just loads of fun to be around. Now he is very distant towards her, she tells me when he gets off work and comes home he will hardly say two words to her, other days he is "normal" acting. She has asked him point blank, do you want to go our seperate ways, he says no, she asks if he is seeing someone else, no, she says that he used to call her everyday just to say hello/tell her he loved her, etc... now she says he never calls, and when she tries to sit and ask him what is bothering him, he gives her no explanation, just jumps up off the couch and says "here is the key to the house, I will go stay at my parents house for the nite". I feel that he is putting her thru what I call mental abuse. I told her that if he did not want to talk things out and be a "man" then her best bet is to get the heck out of this "not going anywere relationship". I for one am totally against living together when not married (up bring in a Christian home) but when they are 21 yrs of age, they do as they feel, even when I advised her against it. I just am wondering what you guys think of his actions, I told her I think he is scared to break it off w/her and he is maybe driving at making her break up w/him so he does not feel guilty. Has anyone been thru an experience such as the above or close too? What did you do? I just want to make sure I give her good sound advice. Sorry if this doesn't make a boat load of sense, my heart is just breaking in to zillions of pc. for her. Guess we all hate to see our kids hurt and this can be one of the "worst" hurts ever. Thanks for any advice you might have __________________ Sherrie 5' 8 Be A Voice for the Voiceless Just Say NO to Animal Abuse I my Scottish Terrier Quinn From the land of Heather Junie-B my bel rescue horse He's come a LONG way : ) PETERBILT King of the Road

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07-07-2005, 02:17 PM	#2
walkthebeach MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2005 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 2,032 Gallery: walkthebeach Stats: 155/145.5/135 WOE: Low-carb, lower fat Start Date: Oct. 2002	I would advise my daughter to pack up and leave. She's only 21, why is she taking this crap from him? He sounds like a jerk. He should tell her one way or the other what his problem is. But you are right; she's an adult now and she'll do what she thinks is appropriate. This is one case where Dr. Phil is right: we teach people how to treat us. Plus, she is just so wasting her time.

07-07-2005, 08:31 PM	#3
Gini MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Florida Posts: 2,753 Gallery: Gini WOE: Whole Foods Plan Start Date: June 2003, Jan 1 2005 Challenge	he is saying non-verbally what he won't admit verbally. He wants out! She should say a nice friendly bye-bye!

07-08-2005, 04:30 AM	#4
springchick Guest Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 476 Gallery: springchick	Its clear there is a wide difference in maturity with this twosome. Your daughter is able to respectfully bring up concerns and her boyfriend respond like a moody 14 year old. You can offer her your best advice and it sounds like you do but you will have to rely on that good old Christian faith to get her through this. You sound like an awesome mom. Kerry

07-08-2005, 05:25 AM	#5
Mule_Freak MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,220 Gallery: Mule_Freak Stats: 145/125-130/135 WOE: moderate carbs Start Date: Oct. 2003	Thanks guys for the advice and kind words, I am keeping tabs on her, and she knows that the door is always open for her to come home. Bless you all for listening

07-09-2005, 01:23 AM	#7
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	If he is unable or unwilling to communicate with her in a mature manner, I don't see how this relationship would be good for her.

07-10-2005, 04:27 AM	#8
RoseMary2040 Junior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 16 Gallery: RoseMary2040	It sounds like he might be bi polor.....RoseMary

07-10-2005, 10:35 PM	#9
JRo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: District of Columbia Posts: 13,277 Gallery: JRo Stats: 205/190/125 WOE: atkins Start Date: August 2008	buy your daughter a copy of the book "He's Just Not That Into You." It's kind of cliche and it's nothing we women don't already know, but somehow it was the slap in the face I needed to quit putting up with boys who were emotionally unavailable or controlling. Rather than get into power struggles or have to beg someone for attention, I just decided I deserve better and I don't put up with their crap anymore. And now I've found guys who really do treat me well.

07-11-2005, 09:35 PM	#10
gentylwind Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: south Posts: 7,238 Gallery: gentylwind Stats: 274/228.5/135 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Jan 2004	Sounds to me like he wants out and does not know how to do that in a healthy way.

07-12-2005, 08:16 AM	#11
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Young Love, they are so young to be living together after only five months. We are always in such a hurry to paly house and grow up and very often we are not ready. Just be thankful there is no marraige or children. Sounds to me like he is regretting the decision (the reason does not matter) and your DD isn't sure how to handle it either. I would advise her to start packing. She has her entire life to meet someone that will adore her.

07-12-2005, 08:26 AM	#12
Mule_Freak MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,220 Gallery: Mule_Freak Stats: 145/125-130/135 WOE: moderate carbs Start Date: Oct. 2003	Thank You all for your advice, I have let my daughter read and I 110% agree w/all you have said and she seems to also, I pray she takes that 2nd step and dumps the doo-hoo. I am not a bragger, but she is such a pretty girl (of course Mums always think so of their kids ay? ) and he is nice looking in a sense, but not all that and a bag of chips so to speak, so I know she could find the "right guy" just has to be patient and it will come. I know looks are not every thing, bad daggone it, I just see a very smart girl, horse lover works w/horses, all her dreams have pretty much come true for her, and I dont want to see this man drag her down. Again still praying my tail end off that she will see the lite and move on. Thanks again guys for all your wonderful support and advice, it has sincerely helped her

07-18-2005, 09:45 PM	#13
Heartburn Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Central Jersey Posts: 120 Gallery: Heartburn Stats: 210/198.75/130 WOE: Atkins Start Date: June 5, 2005	Your daughter's lucky she can get out. My first husband behaved like a dream until after we got married. Then he started acting like this guy. I stuck it out through 13 years and one daughter. (He turned out to be a crummy father as well.) You've given your daughter good advice. If he treats her like this now, he won't get better later. She should find someone who treats her the way she deserves to be treated.

08-16-2005, 01:43 AM	#14
kissesfromaudra Senior LCF Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 179 Gallery: kissesfromaudra Stats: 18/12/6 WOE: Low carb Start Date: July 2008	I am 21 and have been in the same shoes as your daughter. The thing was this guy I was living with was controlling and he even beat my poor little dog up (even though he said he didn't there was no one else there that could have hurt her and she sure are h*ll didn't do it to herself) anyway the best thing my Mother said to get me to move out was "would you like him to be your father." I was a little confused by what she was saying so I asked her to explain and she said that since we are living together there is always a chance something would happen and I could get pregnant and I needed to put myself in the shoes of a potential child and ask myself would I want him for a father. The answer was a BIG NO!!! That did it for me and I left. So maybe you should ask her the same question. Good luck!!! Hugs, Audra

08-17-2005, 12:25 PM	#15
Allison'sMom Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Lincoln, NE Posts: 380 Gallery: Allison'sMom Stats: 235/225/150 WOE: Low-Carb Start Date: 2/18/05/re-start 10/17/05, time #3 08/07/07	I totally agree with what the others are saying! However, if she wants to give this a go...she needs to just sit down and tell him "Look, we need to talk about this, no running out, no change of subjects, etc..." There could be more going on than what we know. I think at first, it may seem that he wants out, but no one but him knows that for sure. Whatever the outcome is, I hope that your daughter makes the right decision!