At the end of my rope

[chicky]

Here's my story, sorry if its long I just need to vent a bit (lot!!)

I've been married for 26 years, the first 5 were good, the next 11 mediocre the last 10 have been pure hell!! We both have good jobs, have 2 healthy, happy well adjusted kids, live in a nice home, drive nice cars but our relationship has been reduced to 2 people who barely tolerate each other. My H (no DH here sorry) has had a recreational drinking and drug problem for the last 21 years but lately it has spiraled into full blown alcoholism, he's been diagnosed with bi-polar and is scarfing down meds and alcohol like nobodys business. He seems to have a death wish, he goes to his shrink and then drinks in the car on the way home. He goes to the Drug/Alcohol counselor and comes home and drinks himself into passing out. He almost killed our puppy yesterday by giving her a cup of rum and grape juice! I came home to find the poor thing staggering around, I confronted him and he flat out lied about it. I took her to the vet and they were able to flush it through her system, but I shudder to think what would have happened if I was at work all day.

Anyone with half a brain would have kicked this loser to the curb, he's a crappy husband, crappy father, crappy son and crappy friend. I feel trapped because my MIL lives with us. She's 88, her eyesight is failing and this has been her home for the last 20 years. I don't feel like I can make any changes until she is no longer with us. In the meantime he makes my life hell, between his drinking, drug abuse and his mental illness he is just about driving me mad. He's on long-term disability (since Mar05) , everyday I come home from work he's "half in the bag". My DD (16) would like to kill him and is openly hostile to him, my DS (21) doesn't live at home but thinks I should have him arrested.

I feel like my entire life and every emotion I have is controled by this a**!
I feel so overwhelmed by my life I can't focus on me! I need to eat right, I need to exercise, I need to have a life. But everytime I come home to him drunk I just want to lay down, close my eyes and eat!!!

I know that this is something I need to deal with, but it feels good to write it out. I don't love this man, I don't like this man, I just want him out of my life.

thanks for listening

[Gini]

For your children's sake move out or move him out immediately. These are very important years in their emotional life and their whole future may depend on what you do here and now.

[lalabella]

OH wow, that sounds awful... I don't really have any good advice...gosh... I just wanted to send a hug... I'm sorry you have been having to go through this.

Does he help in caring for his mother? Is he at least kind and caring to her? Do they get along? Maybe the two of them should get an apartment... I don't know. Probably a bad idea.

He sounds like he's not wanting to face his problems. Not much you can do. You know you deserve better and if you keep posting here I'm sure you'll find lots of great support.

I wish I could help!
It is great that you are trying to take better care of yourself and think of ways to make yourself feel healthier and you will get there. It must be hard as heck but try to focus on you and what you need right now... hang in there.

Bella.

[Jennyl]

I am sorry you have to go through all of this.
I think you should take your daughter and leave.

[chicky]

Thanks for the support : )
He treats his mother terribly, he feels that having her under our roof for so long is the root of all of his problems. She annoys the hell out of me but she hasn't a mean bone in her body and I just couldn't desert her at her age. My BIL is a loser who pretty much has ignored her for years so that leaves me.

I have made it clear that in 2 years (when DD graduates) we're done....if he doesn't kill himself before then! My $ is on him drinking himself to death or OD'ing because he just doesn't try or seem to care.

I just need to dig down deep and find a way to not let this man and his behavior rule my life and my emotions. Its hard but I feel like maybe I've reached a point where I'm ready

[Jennyl]

I thnk your daughter might be happier out of there too....why wait two years for her to graduate? Will she be happier being exposed to all of this? What will it do to your daughter to watch her father kill himself?

I know that you have to do what you feel is best for your daughter and if staying is better for her then you can try. I just think both you and her deserve to be happy and not suffer unnecessarily. Two years is a really long time to live in hell when you don't have to.

I hope this doesn't come across as mean, I didn't intend it that way. It just seems like you are suffering and if there is anyway to improve things I hope it happens.

[silkandsand]

I wish you peace and clarity of thought right now. Is it possible to keep the mil and dd and lose the H? That is what I would do in your shoes. I know that technically your mil isn't your responsibility but if you are like me you wouldn't be able to abandon her at this stage. Or have a family meeting and take turns with her, but regardless you need to get far away from your h's destructive spiral downward. It may be the wakeup call he needs to change his life, but regardless your dd in that situation is awful and she and you and probably even mil need out. Many, many hugs to you. You must be so overwhelmed. Take a deep breath. Take one step at a time toward what you feel is right for you. It doesn't sound like you are able to do even what is necessary to take care of yourself. Are you getting enough sleep? Regardless of his choice to live like a drunk, pill popping moron, you are still responsible for how you choose to live your life. No judgements here at all, only encouragement for you to do what it sounds like you already know you need to do. No one else is going to get you out of that situation but you. No one else is going to take care of you but you. You are worth it. Please don't stay in what sounds like a dangerous, demeaning, life-sapping situation any longer than necessary. You will be in my prayers.

[never too old]

I would make a plan to get out as fast as you can. It will not get better, it will get worse. I lived with my then boyfriend and then husband for 7 years and it only got worse. Found out he was schizophrenic and he was also a drug user and alcoholic. For your safety and and your daughter's get out!! It is not your responsibility to take care of him and his mother even if she is a nice person. She also deserves better!

Good luck to you.

[brilliant100]

I think your plan of leaving in two years is good. It will allow you to get everything in order regarding finances and emotions. It is going to be a major lifestyle change for you to live alone after being married so long. If you are determined to divorce him in two years I woulld consult a lawyer now to find out exactly what you need to do to protect you financially. You can also start saving. He will probably have to pay alomony but your lifestyle will be significanlly different on one income and alomony. If you guy's decide to split everything (sell house, 401K's, etc). It may take some time before you actually get the money. A girlfriend of mine got divorced over one year ago and is still waiting for payout from her ex's 401k ($30K).

I have never been married but observed my parents divorce when I was 27. It was very tramatic for me. I felt like I was the one going through the divorce. Just because you kids are older and their father is a jerk, the divorce will still effect them too. Two years will allow you to prepare them for the change.

I feel bad for you. This sounds like a nightmare but there is always hope. Good luck and start planning today!

[BigRed]

Chicky, I hope you feel better after your vent. Sounds like 'he' has changed in the last 26 years. Question, how have you changed? Most of us do change and unfortunately some of us grow differently and apart from our life mates. How have you grown? And are you really prepared to make it on your own? (26 years is a long time, and alomony is pretty much a thing of the past and you only have one child under 16....)

You also mention that your DH sees both a 'shrink' and 'Drug/Alcohol counselor ' ... when I over drink there is usually a reason.. usually one that I don't think my DH will be simpathetic to.. it's a lonely time when I drink... a painful time... so.. having been there, I wonder what 'his' pain is? what is so horrible and hurtful and painful that painpills don't help... only alcohol until he passes out??? what demon is eating him up inside and out and destroying your happiness?

As you can tell, I am not for divorce, but I am not in your shoes. You should do what you have to do and that's all you can do. I hope for you the best.

[snoocharoo]

Sweetie you need to formulate your exit plan and get some emotional support for you and your DD until you can act on it. Does your town have a local Alanon Chapter? Check out resources for families of alcoholics/users on-line. It hard to get the gumption to go, but once you do you won't feel so out of your mind. You'll meet other women and men going through the same horrible see-saw of emotion.

I would also advise you to check out resources for elder care. Once you're gone, there is a slim chance anyone will be taking care of MIL. Be the biggest person you can and set her up with a safe and secure plece to live out her years. Is your MIL aware of these issues? Is she still congnizent and capable of talking to him? Sometimes mothers can get through to their sons lie no one else.

The fact that your husband could have killed your puppy really concerns me. It's not that I think he would hurt you intentionally, but drunks make stupid choices and he might get to the point of putting you or DD at risk. The best you can do is to do for yourself and DD. Ignore him, give him not one single iota of your time when he is drunk. Until you can leave you are gonna have to put up with his BS. Arm yourself with as many resources as you can find to be able to get through it. Rally a network of support around you and most of BE BRAVE. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to hold on a bit longer.

[chicky]

thanks so much for the input and the kind thoughts.

I feel better today than I have in a long time. I went to see H's alcohol/drug counselor today. I was concerned about the fact that his behavior is suddenly so out of control and wanted to get a feel for what kind of Dr this guy was. Well he's just my kind of guy, a no BS taking, butt kicking kind of guy. Even though he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know for the most part he did say that in his opinion H is an alcoholic 1st and foremost and if he deals with that more than likely he will find that there is no Bi-Polar problem. Hopefully this is true, we'll see. He also gave me a schedule for AlAnon meetings so I'm gonna make one of those this week and see how that goes. H will not go to AA he feels he's above that, so he's miles away from home still.

The one thing the Dr said to me that was so simple but so profound for some reason was that this was H's problem, not mine. Deep down I know that but to have someone tell me to my face had such an effect on me. I left his office and sat in my car and cried. I got home and told H where I was and that "you are an alcoholic, this is your problem and you have to deal with it and I'm not allowing you to drag anyone else in this family down into the gutter with you" He just said I know and that was the end of the conversation.

I feel better now. I'm taking my daughter out tonight and we're getting facials. I think I may jump back on the low-carb bandwagon again and maybe go to the gym after work on Monday. The living arrangement is what it is for the time being, my DD will be away for5 of the next 8 weeks and I think I'll re-assess in Sept. I don't need this guy for $, I have a good job and we have alot of equity in our home so I would be just fine. I want to get DD out of HS and settled in College, DS is an actor and is doing well and is independent so he's fine. MIL I'll take care of till I can't because of her health.

I'm 48 and I'm looking forward to 50, I'm determined to make the 2nd half of my life better than the 1st.

I'll talk to you all soon, I'm on the boards daily so we'll talk soon. Thanks for the suggestions and the support

Dawn

[BigRed]

This last posts sounds so much better... less emotional and more logical. Good to know you are looking at all possibilities including AlAnon!

Good luck and I wish for you peace and happiness.

[Truth05]

My wife left without really a good reason. You have reason to legally separate and see if that will be what your husband needs to bring him to his senses before his behavior becomes that of your children. They see more than you know. Truth

[chicky]

Truth, I know what you mean about children seeing more than you think.

My Dad was a raging violent alcoholic, all of his rage was directed towards my mother but I always got caught in the middle of it. I never in a million years would have thought that I would marry my Dad, but here I am.

Last night was a bad night for H, the afternoon went fine then he proceeded to get "sh*t faced" came in and went on a rant. When DD and I got back from our facials he was laying down in bed much quieter but was now also high on coke. He was quiet but up all night and today he's sleeping on the couch. I don't understand how he hasn't killed himself yet, I can't see his luck holding out forever. My Dad died from a stroke (brought on by alcoholism) when I was 18, if H lasts another year he'll be lucky.

It's sad, his Dr asked me yesterday if he was a nice guy when I met him 26 years ago and he really was. He was smart and funny and steady and reliable all the things he isn't anymore. Of course I was different to, but I guess change goes with the territory.
Dawn