Teenage pregnancy

okinawamary · 06-02-2005, 08:11 PM

My daughter’s longtime best friend is pregnant and 17 (a junior in HS), and she won’t even be able to graduate, outside of getting a GED. The baby’s father is 16 and in trouble with drugs, and is leaving (got kicked off) the island on Monday. He “swears” he is going to support her and help her with “their” baby, but has never held a job in his life. His parents know about her being pregnant. Despite that, the kids weren’t really “going together”, they were kind of seeing each other for a few weeks, but had made no commitment to each other. The girl has already terminated a pregnancy last year. Well, she told her dad a few nights ago, he told her to terminate the pregnancy, called her derogatory names, and she is very upset, that he will no longer talk to her. She doesn’t have anywhere to turn, her dad won’t discuss it further with her. She is choosing to keep the baby (she is only about 4 weeks along right now).

A little background~her mother and father have been divorced for over 6 years. Mother lives in the states and works a low-paying job and has a small apartment. The girl has never had a mentor per se, she lives with her dad because her mom can’t support both her and her older sister who is 21 and still living at home. The girl lives here with her dad, and they (had) a wonderful relationship. Last night, he told her if she chooses to have the baby, he will not be part of it’s life, or hers for that matter. She just says that since she already had an abortion once, she can’t go through it again, from what I gather, she thinks if she has another abortion, it will mess up her reproductive system and she may not be able to have another child, so she is going to keep the baby. Giving the baby up for adoption is not an option to her, she just wants the baby for some reason. I think she just wants someone to love her and not judge her, and thinks a baby is going to fulfill that need for love.

DD and I have talked extensively about this issue with her friend, how she will support the baby, etc.., but DD says anytime she talks to her about what she is going to do about the baby, her friend won’t talk about it, especially if it’s about abortion or adoption. So, this morning, DD tells me that her friend will be staying all night with us tonight (she stays at my house almost every weekend), and wants to talk to me about the pregnancy. I had told DD to tell her that anytime she feels like talking, I will be there for her. I had a baby at 18, and I remember how hard it was, and I had been dating DH (then DBF) for 2.5 years before I got pregnant, and we got married, and still it was hard. I am split about what to say to her. I see her and DD together having fun and acting crazy, they are just kids, and I know in my heart that the girl is not ready to have a baby. She’s not really a responsible girl~by this, I mean she has trouble even taking care of herself, let alone a baby. She is a good girl caught in a bad situation, and didn’t learn from her first mistake. I know she can make it work if she does decide to keep the baby, but the odds are stacked against her. All her friends think it’s “cool”, and she can raise it on her own. Her mother does not have money enough to support her AND a baby from what the girl says, and her mother is in her early 50’s. I don’t think she has even talked to her mother about the pregnancy yet.

I want to tell her how hard it is to raise a baby on your own. I want to tell her she is not ready to have a baby yet. I want to offer her the advice for adoption, there are many people who want babies who can’t have them, and adoption would be a wonderful gift to a family who desperately. I want to offer advice about how to ensure she receives child support from the father, but he is only 16. I have experience in the area of being a young mother, but I want to tell her the right things. In my gut, I know she can’t raise a baby alone. I don’t know what legal ramifications she will have since the boy is not of age yet. Can his parents be responsible for child support? Any suggestions you may have today may help me with our talk tonight. I would like to hear about anyone in the same situation (very young pregnancy), and how you made it work being on your own, or what your decision was concerning the baby.

DeeLen · 06-10-2005, 01:33 PM

I have no advice or experience to tell you about. I just hate seeing a thread go unanswered.

to the young girl.

walkthebeach · 06-10-2005, 03:01 PM

Mary,
This girl has no idea, does she, what is going to happen after she has that baby. Her dad, her only means of support, is disowning her basically. How is she going to support this child? The father of the baby is going to be thousands of miles away; as a legal assistant who has worked domestic law, I can tell you it isn't going to be easy getting any money from a 16 yr. old, let alone one who lives far, far away. I have observed what happens in this type of situation before: the girl has the child, is confronted with the complexities of trying to raise a baby and support them, plus be a teenager, and she gives up, because it's more than she's equipped to handle. She has no earning power. She'll probably come to her senses in a few months and be ready to talk adoption. Then after the baby's born, she'll probably have second thoughts about giving it up, and maybe change her mind a time or two. But what usually happens is that the baby goes to a much-deserving couple. Someone also needs to counsel this young woman about birth control. She is obviously very sexually active; IMO she needs to be on the pill or something. You would think that going to see a gynecologist and getting some means of bc would have occurred to her last go round. You are a nice lady to be trying to help her. I was always the one my daughter's friends came to, too, when they had problems like this. I feel sorry for this girl in a way; she's really kind of adrift. Good luck,
Beach

BigRed · 06-10-2005, 03:19 PM

I am sure that this is a horribly difficult burden (or consequence) that this young lady is going through. She will have to make the decision, and not you or anyone else. And that if you truly care about her, you will support her decision and not stand in judgement either way. There will be those who will ignorantly convict her (and her child - Deuteronomy 23:2) for eternity, forgetting that THAT is not thier job (John 8:7). It is everyone's job however to offer love, peace and understanding. (John 17:26, Luke 10:27, Mark 12:31, Matthew 19:19, Matthew 22:39, Matthew 5:43-4, Romans 13:9)

ref: Can his parents be responsible for child support?
When I was watching the show STARTING OVER (over a year ago) they had an unmarried person who had a baby on there. And there was discussion on the show that the boyfriend did not want to do the dna testing because the state of Illinios would force him to pay child support. I guess it depends on local law in the states, over seas, the bases are considered US soil, so I guess it might be federal law or the state law that she is from. BUT most definately a question for a LAWYER.

ref: I would like to hear about anyone in the same situation (very young pregnancy), and how you made it work being on your own, or what your decision was concerning the baby.

There are two sides to every coin. And that it is very difficult to raise a child and move ahead in life without a very strong support system. If she sounds like she will choose to go this route, ASAP, I would introduce her to college counselors as well as WIC, Welfare, adoption agencies and psychologists.

A decision made in a moment WILL change her life forever.

Good luck to both of you.

Nicole133 · 06-10-2005, 04:16 PM

I know this may not be helpful but abortions do not hurt your reproductive system unless you develop an infection from not doing follow-up and taking care of yourself properly. I was told that by an obstetrition. She needs to know ALL the options are available. That is a tough situation though. I would keep it but the girl has no support...

06-02-2005, 08:11 PM	#1
okinawamary MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Eagle River, Alaska Posts: 2,140 Gallery: okinawamary Stats: 247.8/242.4/200 WOE: Atkins Start Date: 01/02/07	Teenage pregnancy My daughter’s longtime best friend is pregnant and 17 (a junior in HS), and she won’t even be able to graduate, outside of getting a GED. The baby’s father is 16 and in trouble with drugs, and is leaving (got kicked off) the island on Monday. He “swears” he is going to support her and help her with “their” baby, but has never held a job in his life. His parents know about her being pregnant. Despite that, the kids weren’t really “going together”, they were kind of seeing each other for a few weeks, but had made no commitment to each other. The girl has already terminated a pregnancy last year. Well, she told her dad a few nights ago, he told her to terminate the pregnancy, called her derogatory names, and she is very upset, that he will no longer talk to her. She doesn’t have anywhere to turn, her dad won’t discuss it further with her. She is choosing to keep the baby (she is only about 4 weeks along right now). A little background~her mother and father have been divorced for over 6 years. Mother lives in the states and works a low-paying job and has a small apartment. The girl has never had a mentor per se, she lives with her dad because her mom can’t support both her and her older sister who is 21 and still living at home. The girl lives here with her dad, and they (had) a wonderful relationship. Last night, he told her if she chooses to have the baby, he will not be part of it’s life, or hers for that matter. She just says that since she already had an abortion once, she can’t go through it again, from what I gather, she thinks if she has another abortion, it will mess up her reproductive system and she may not be able to have another child, so she is going to keep the baby. Giving the baby up for adoption is not an option to her, she just wants the baby for some reason. I think she just wants someone to love her and not judge her, and thinks a baby is going to fulfill that need for love. DD and I have talked extensively about this issue with her friend, how she will support the baby, etc.., but DD says anytime she talks to her about what she is going to do about the baby, her friend won’t talk about it, especially if it’s about abortion or adoption. So, this morning, DD tells me that her friend will be staying all night with us tonight (she stays at my house almost every weekend), and wants to talk to me about the pregnancy. I had told DD to tell her that anytime she feels like talking, I will be there for her. I had a baby at 18, and I remember how hard it was, and I had been dating DH (then DBF) for 2.5 years before I got pregnant, and we got married, and still it was hard. I am split about what to say to her. I see her and DD together having fun and acting crazy, they are just kids, and I know in my heart that the girl is not ready to have a baby. She’s not really a responsible girl~by this, I mean she has trouble even taking care of herself, let alone a baby. She is a good girl caught in a bad situation, and didn’t learn from her first mistake. I know she can make it work if she does decide to keep the baby, but the odds are stacked against her. All her friends think it’s “cool”, and she can raise it on her own. Her mother does not have money enough to support her AND a baby from what the girl says, and her mother is in her early 50’s. I don’t think she has even talked to her mother about the pregnancy yet. I want to tell her how hard it is to raise a baby on your own. I want to tell her she is not ready to have a baby yet. I want to offer her the advice for adoption, there are many people who want babies who can’t have them, and adoption would be a wonderful gift to a family who desperately. I want to offer advice about how to ensure she receives child support from the father, but he is only 16. I have experience in the area of being a young mother, but I want to tell her the right things. In my gut, I know she can’t raise a baby alone. I don’t know what legal ramifications she will have since the boy is not of age yet. Can his parents be responsible for child support? Any suggestions you may have today may help me with our talk tonight. I would like to hear about anyone in the same situation (very young pregnancy), and how you made it work being on your own, or what your decision was concerning the baby. __________________ RESTART: 01/02/07 It's time for my Second Golden Shot!! Down over 5 pounds in 4 days!

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06-10-2005, 01:33 PM	#2
DeeLen Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Illinois Posts: 4,450 Gallery: DeeLen Stats: (286.6)277.2/hmph!/145 WOE: WLS on 4/25/06!	I have no advice or experience to tell you about. I just hate seeing a thread go unanswered. to the young girl.

06-10-2005, 03:01 PM	#3
walkthebeach MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2005 Location: St. Louis, MO Posts: 2,032 Gallery: walkthebeach Stats: 155/145.5/135 WOE: Low-carb, lower fat Start Date: Oct. 2002	Mary, This girl has no idea, does she, what is going to happen after she has that baby. Her dad, her only means of support, is disowning her basically. How is she going to support this child? The father of the baby is going to be thousands of miles away; as a legal assistant who has worked domestic law, I can tell you it isn't going to be easy getting any money from a 16 yr. old, let alone one who lives far, far away. I have observed what happens in this type of situation before: the girl has the child, is confronted with the complexities of trying to raise a baby and support them, plus be a teenager, and she gives up, because it's more than she's equipped to handle. She has no earning power. She'll probably come to her senses in a few months and be ready to talk adoption. Then after the baby's born, she'll probably have second thoughts about giving it up, and maybe change her mind a time or two. But what usually happens is that the baby goes to a much-deserving couple. Someone also needs to counsel this young woman about birth control. She is obviously very sexually active; IMO she needs to be on the pill or something. You would think that going to see a gynecologist and getting some means of bc would have occurred to her last go round. You are a nice lady to be trying to help her. I was always the one my daughter's friends came to, too, when they had problems like this. I feel sorry for this girl in a way; she's really kind of adrift. Good luck, Beach

06-10-2005, 03:19 PM	#4
BigRed MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: East Coast Posts: 2,896 Gallery: BigRed	I am sure that this is a horribly difficult burden (or consequence) that this young lady is going through. She will have to make the decision, and not you or anyone else. And that if you truly care about her, you will support her decision and not stand in judgement either way. There will be those who will ignorantly convict her (and her child - Deuteronomy 23:2) for eternity, forgetting that THAT is not thier job (John 8:7). It is everyone's job however to offer love, peace and understanding. (John 17:26, Luke 10:27, Mark 12:31, Matthew 19:19, Matthew 22:39, Matthew 5:43-4, Romans 13:9) ref: Can his parents be responsible for child support? When I was watching the show STARTING OVER (over a year ago) they had an unmarried person who had a baby on there. And there was discussion on the show that the boyfriend did not want to do the dna testing because the state of Illinios would force him to pay child support. I guess it depends on local law in the states, over seas, the bases are considered US soil, so I guess it might be federal law or the state law that she is from. BUT most definately a question for a LAWYER. ref: I would like to hear about anyone in the same situation (very young pregnancy), and how you made it work being on your own, or what your decision was concerning the baby. There are two sides to every coin. And that it is very difficult to raise a child and move ahead in life without a very strong support system. If she sounds like she will choose to go this route, ASAP, I would introduce her to college counselors as well as WIC, Welfare, adoption agencies and psychologists. A decision made in a moment WILL change her life forever. Good luck to both of you.

06-10-2005, 04:16 PM	#5
Nicole133 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: St Louis, MO Posts: 1,567 Gallery: Nicole133 Stats: 275/Pregnant/145 WOE: Modified Low Carb Start Date: June 4, 2003 (Mostly on and sometimes off since)	I know this may not be helpful but abortions do not hurt your reproductive system unless you develop an infection from not doing follow-up and taking care of yourself properly. I was told that by an obstetrition. She needs to know ALL the options are available. That is a tough situation though. I would keep it but the girl has no support...