Why am I in denial and how do I stop?

[Purrgirl]

Nearly 2 months ago my Mom was diagnosed with liver cancer. 2 weeks ago we were told she only has about 6 months since it's stage 4. For some reason I avoid thinking/dealing with it. My Mom has even told me that she thinks I'm in denial. I just can't believe this is happening and don't have a clue how to deal. I constantly tell myself that this can't really be happening.

I'm 29 and there are so many things I haven't done yet that I need my Mom here for. Does anyone have any advice? How do I face up to this? I catch myself telling very few friends about my Mom. When I do take about it, I almost never show emotion. This is so devastating to me, yet I can't even show it...

PS. It isn't like I've never dealt with death of someone close. I lost a member of my immediate family and my best friend less than a year ago.

[cutiekhalilah]

Good morning In response to your question I guess that you just have to trust god.I know that that is hard to hear and I know that things will be difficult for you to hear but Know that god is always with you he will never forsake you.....and please use this time that you have left with your mom to be the most wonderful,take lots of pictures and laugh a lot....if you need support I am here...if you want my e-mail adress let me know..... I will keep you and your family in my prayers

[Lori]

Originally Posted by Purrgirl

For some reason I avoid thinking/dealing with it.

We all react differently. Don't fight how you feel. You will deal with this in your own way in your own time frame. Comfort yourself that in your heart you know the best way to deal with this. All you need to do is be a loving daughter...the rest will follow in time.

[Mushmush]

Hugs to you. It's very hard, I know it from a personal experience, I lost my Mom to cancer. I was in denial for a long time, after all she lived for 12 years after her mastectomy. Cancer came back and she started deteriorating and we still thought that chemo would help. All I can say that at some point you will no longer be in denial, you will feel, see and know the point from which things can only go downhill. Don't force yourself to accept the truth, you'll accept it when you are ready. We always believe in miracles untill the very last moment when we know in our hearts that a miracle will not happen.

Sasha

[LunaAshling]

I can not help you deal with it. A counselor would do a better job.


But I can suggest you act now and do a few things before it is too late and you regret it later.


I would have a portrait done with her if she is able. Something to have and cherish forever.

Get a camcorder and record conversations with her. Ask he to talk about her childhood and yours. Ask her all sorts of questions about herself. Even ask her to tape messages for future grandkids, etc... I know this sounds like a hard thing but TRUST me... you will be VERY happy for it later!!!!!!!

Go through old photos with her and make sure she helps you label or name who is who. Its frustrating to find a box of pictures and not know who they are of.

Tell her every good and happy thing you can think of. Tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her. If you don't do this you will regret it forever!


These things will hurt like h3ll as you do them. You may even break down. BUT I promose you that you will be so very thankful for these things later! And I bet she will also be happy she could leave you with some memories that are not just of this horrible time!




.

[Tazcat]

oh Laura, i don't have any advice, but i'm so very sorry.

[Lacey01]

Wow! Purrgirl. I was the same way. My Mother died last February of cancer "sarcoma" I still don't believe it. I was just holding her picture this morning and kissing it. That song was on "have u seen her" I use to look @ her and just wanted to Jump! in her lap and scream with rage. That's the way I felt everytime I looked @ her. I savored each moment with her, all of us did. She had Ten Children, I am # Seven. I have gained about 35 lbs. since her death. I love, love when she comes into my dreams!

Just don't let it draw u away from you Mother. Get closer than close. I know I did.

[kaisergirl]

First of all, to you. No words can ease your pain.
Denial is a normal coping mechanism used in times of great sorrow, pain, chaos, loss, etc. What you are going through is normal.
There are 5 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Some people whiz right through the top 3 in an hour, a few days, then get stuck in depression. Others move through each in a month's time. Others get stuck in anger and don't know how to move forward. Everyone is different. There is no "you should be here by now" or "you should have had plenty of time by now". However, getting through each stage is imperative to your well being. There are many many good books about grief. I'll list a few. Your library will have tons to choose from.
Coping with Death and Grief by Marge Eaton Heegaard
The Courage to Grieve by Judy Tatelbaum
Discovering Grace in Grief by James L. Mayfield
Please help yourself and other family members who may be silently going through these same emotions. Reach out to your mother. Be angry, be sad, make deals, and someday accept. By accepting, you are by no means resigning, just allowing yourself to be open to more life, more living and exactly what your mother would have wanted.
Take care of yourself.

[Purrgirl]

Thank you all so much for your posts.

Kaiser - The stages of grief really make sense. I never knew about them. I will look into those books. Thanks again.

[BigRed]

Another (and I thought the first) author of the 5 stages of grief is:
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
her web-site is:
http://www.elisabethkublerross.com/


BUT don't forget the Bernie S. Siegel book, LOVE, MEDICINE AND MIRACLES.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Originally Posted by kaisergirl

There are 5 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I just wanted to add that I dont think anyone goes through these stages the same way, sometimes they all hit at once and there really is no map or set pattern to them.

I just finished a book titled "I'm grieving as fast as I can" and it was specific to losing a spouse but the information was still very good. It touched on a lot of things I have been feeling. The books on grief have really helped me to keep from thinking I've lost my mind.

I'm so sorry about your mother's diagnosis - liver cancer is a horrible disease. I hope you get to spend a lot of time with her as hard as it may be. Go easy on yourself too, its devistating to lose someone so be gentle with yourself.

[Purrgirl]

Originally Posted by CaliforniaGirl

I just wanted to add that I dont think anyone goes through these stages the same way, sometimes they all hit at once and there really is no map or set pattern to them.

I just finished a book titled "I'm grieving as fast as I can" and it was specific to losing a spouse but the information was still very good. It touched on a lot of things I have been feeling. The books on grief have really helped me to keep from thinking I've lost my mind.

I'm so sorry about your mother's diagnosis - liver cancer is a horrible disease. I hope you get to spend a lot of time with her as hard as it may be. Go easy on yourself too, its devistating to lose someone so be gentle with yourself.

Cali - Good point about the stages. I'm sorry to hear about Scott.

[silkandsand]

Purrgirl....it sounds like we have a few things in common. I too lost my best friend...less than a year ago and my uncle a few months later. Another dear friend of mine has cancer now, too. And my mom has two big tumors in her abdomen that may be cancer. If they are, the dr said her prognosis was close to zero. I hope my mom doesn't have it but we will know soon. I think you've gotten some great advice here about the stages of grief, being gentle with yourself, ideas to spend time with your mom taking pictures, talking and being close. I think it sounds like you are in shock. I will be praying for your mom and my mom. It is so hard to be young and lose your mother. I wish I could have some of your numbness. I keep weeping so easily...even in my sleep. ((((((Purrgirl))))))) You will have the rest of your life to mourn her and miss her. She's still here. Enjoy what time you have left with her because none of us knows how long we have. You could get in a car accident on the way home from visiting your mom. So enjoy her while she's here. Cherish her and build more memories while you can.

Is she in a lot of pain? Is she able to enjoy much?

[Purrgirl]

Silkandsand - I'm so sorry to hear of everything you've been dealing with. I will be praying for you and your family. I hope all is well with your Mom. The 1st week or 2 that I found out about my Mom I cried A LOT. Since then I haven't shed a tear. Luckily my Mom isn't in much pain, just very worn down. She doesn't do much due to her exhaustion. I will pray for the best for us both.

[silkandsand]

We'll pray for each other and our moms. And somehow we will get through this. It's just been a really hard year for me. We should know soon if it is cancer. Right now my mom is against a biopsy because she has read that it can spread the cancer, if it is cancer. I don't know what we will decide.

Are you still mourning your best friend? I know I am. She died the end of last September. I still miss her so much.

[Purrgirl]

I'm still mourning the loss of Amy. She died mid July. She was only 28. THere is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her...

Do the doctors say that a biopsy can spread cancer? I never knew that. (Not that I know much about the med field.) Let me know how things go.

[silkandsand]

Lucy was only 34. She left behind 4 wonderful young kids. Did Amy have children? It is hard missing Lucy, but I would never trade knowing her and the impact she had on my life...but I think her death (breast cancer) made me more aware that we are mortal and taught me to enjoy living. I am sorry you lost Amy.

Yes, a biopsy can spread the cancer in a matter of minutes if a cell leaks out of the hole or area (in my mom's case they want to do a needle biopsy) and is carried through the blood. There are other tests we can have before we may have to have a biopsy, though. Actually quite a few.

[slimforever06]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I lost my Mom to lung cancer 2.5 years ago - which ultimately morphed into liver cancer. She was sick two years.

My family took lots of videos and pictures. The thing I regret, which is stupid, is that I didn't ask her about how to cook some of her recipes. My Dad missed her cooking so much and I was unable to help him. I miss her every single day.

[sunset]

You have gotten very good advice. My father died of cancer and it was so hard to see him decline. It was him that was in denial. We always heard, " I feel better today, yesterday was not a good day." He said this all the time. He actually had our neighbors mad at us, because they thought we were wanting him to die! I really don't think he ever did come to terms with dying ( he was told numerous times that his cancer was terminal). We all were so sad inside. By the time he died most in our family had done our greiving while he was dying. I think the others are right you grieve in your own way. Everyone is different. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.