How do you get over something like this?

Mushmush · 05-23-2005, 01:00 PM

I've posted here before about my dh's affair with internet flirting that went on for a long time, probably during all the years that we were married. Well, recently it has exploded into our faces.

I found out that dh has maintaned a po box in his name all this time and asked women he met on-line to send their dirty pictures and worn undies there.

He also flew at least one woman over here, put her up in a hotel across the street from where we live and went there to be with her while telling me he's going to work. He paid for everything, and I think she was not the only one. I was talking to this woman on-line and turns out they were planning her move here, she believed every word he said on the phone and emails. I know he was inviting another woman to come over and promised to help with the hotel and airplane tickets. He tells them he lives with mom and that's why they have to stay at a hotel.

I also found out that he's been hanging out in chatrooms with teenagers pretending to be a teenager himself.

Now he is on his knees begging for forgiveness, dragging me into counseling, counseling with his priest, etc. We have a baby together, he's the most wonderful and loving father, but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive or understand.

kimlou · 05-23-2005, 01:11 PM

USMCmom · 05-23-2005, 01:26 PM

Wow, I would definately say he needs counselling. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine.

Me personally, I couldn't live with him anymore, baby or not. You have to know if you will be able to forgive and forget. It can be easier said than done, but you know yourself better than anyone. I wish you luck.

ps - Did these women actually mail him dirty pics of themselves? How sad is that, that a woman would stoop that low?

SuzinBama · 05-23-2005, 01:28 PM

Mush,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to give you a hug, tell you that things will be better one day.

tsimmons · 05-23-2005, 01:35 PM

First-I am so very sorry that you are going through this C-R-A-P!!

MEN-sometimes you just wanna.........

uh...never mind that thought LOL-

First ? is CAN u get over something like that??? If you think you can (and only YOU know YOU), then the how is worth thrying to figure out and I wish you all of the best if that is what you decide to do.

Personally-I don't think I could-it would be a very hard decision to have to make and I will remember you in my prayers.

Please keep us posted and I wish you the best with this situation!

FitinCO · 05-23-2005, 02:04 PM

I certainly know how you feel - it is so devastating, especially the depth of the betrayal. :hug

JRo · 05-23-2005, 02:34 PM

how did you find out? Did he tell you voluntarily or did you catch him? Why does he all of a sudden want to change his ways?

Mushmush · 05-23-2005, 02:54 PM

I caught him, plain and simple. Then I did some research and more sordid facts came out. It looks like this whole thing was spinning out of control.

JRo · 05-23-2005, 02:55 PM

I guess it ultimately comes down to whether or not you still love him and want to make it work.

I couldn't do it, but I'm not in that situation either.

Ana K.S. · 05-23-2005, 03:29 PM

OH

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

I don't know if I could forgive so much betrayal. But like the others say this is up to you. I feel you deserve better than this.

gettingstrength · 05-23-2005, 03:41 PM

rachel2writer · 05-23-2005, 04:08 PM

. If it were me, I would at least give the counseling a try. It's hard to tell whether you'll be able to get past it and ever trust him again. If you do decide to work on it, he will have to EARN your trust and respect again. Good luck sweetie, I know you have a long road ahead of you.

saucylady · 05-23-2005, 04:51 PM

Do try the counseling. Even if the marriage is DOA, it can give you a lot of understanding of the issues in your relationship and strength to take on your life. A good counselor will NOT try to force the marriage to continue, but will try to push both of you to look at how you each contributed to the problems in the marriage.

Dreamer37 · 05-23-2005, 05:20 PM

Im sorry you are going through this...

Jennyl · 05-24-2005, 11:20 PM

"he's been hanging out in chatrooms with teenagers pretending to be a teenager himself. "

That is really scary. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if I found out that one of my teenage daughters had been chatting with a grown and married man posing to be a teenager.

I wouldn't be able to deal with this kind of deception. I think the counselling is a great idea. I would not be able to trust someone who did this kind of thing and for me, trust is a necesssary part of a relationship. If you are going to give him another chance he needs to get rid of his computer. I'm so sorry you have been put in this situation.

djalomo · 05-25-2005, 12:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mushmush

I also found out that he's been hanging out in chatrooms with teenagers pretending to be a teenager himself.

Now he is on his knees begging for forgiveness, dragging me into counseling, counseling with his priest, etc. We have a baby together, he's the most wonderful and loving father, but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive or understand.

Maybe I'm paranoid and have been watching too much Law and Order SVU, but this sends up all kinds of red flags for me. Infidelity and enjoying or being addicted to net porn is one thing, but pretending to be a teenager in chatrooms makes me think he has a more serious problem, and I would genuinly be concerned about leaving him alone with children.

Again, maybe paraniod, but there is a molester in my family and a sex offender in my extended family and we've learned to not take anything too lightly if there's children involved.

sorry you're going through this

LadyBeloved · 05-25-2005, 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mushmush

I also found out that he's been hanging out in chatrooms with teenagers pretending to be a teenager himself.

The best thing that could come out of this part is that he gets busted by an undercover detective in one of the chatrooms. Then he's forced to get the help he needs.

Most transcripts are saved in chats. Or you can purchase software that will preserve his online activities. Normally I'm against that kind of invasive prying but he's forfeited his right to privacy when he started chatting online with teenagers and misleading them. This is not a good sign.

Bubbles · 05-25-2005, 06:37 AM

OMG. I do not know if I could overlook this level of infidelity. You cannot trust a liar. He needs serious help. The teenage chatroom thing borders on illegal and you cannot allow it to continue. I would remove the computer from the home and get rid of any cell phones and insist he go for major counciling, he is sick and cannot be trusted. I would not live with him during this time, the backlash may affect you and your child.

Phinnk · 06-03-2005, 08:40 AM

This man has some very serious issues that will not be fixed with an "I'm sorry". I can't speak for you, but if my husband did those things, I would be so "out of that relationship" his head would spin. He needs professional help and I'm sure you could use some counseling as well, to get you through this trauma. Honey, you are worth much more than this man is giving you credit for. Be good to yourself and put your needs first this time.

05-23-2005, 01:00 PM	#1
Mushmush MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: NJ Posts: 1,272 Gallery: Mushmush Stats: 172/135/132 WOE: WW Start Date: 1/7/2007 (Start WW)	How do you get over something like this? I've posted here before about my dh's affair with internet flirting that went on for a long time, probably during all the years that we were married. Well, recently it has exploded into our faces. I found out that dh has maintaned a po box in his name all this time and asked women he met on-line to send their dirty pictures and worn undies there. He also flew at least one woman over here, put her up in a hotel across the street from where we live and went there to be with her while telling me he's going to work. He paid for everything, and I think she was not the only one. I was talking to this woman on-line and turns out they were planning her move here, she believed every word he said on the phone and emails. I know he was inviting another woman to come over and promised to help with the hotel and airplane tickets. He tells them he lives with mom and that's why they have to stay at a hotel. I also found out that he's been hanging out in chatrooms with teenagers pretending to be a teenager himself. Now he is on his knees begging for forgiveness, dragging me into counseling, counseling with his priest, etc. We have a baby together, he's the most wonderful and loving father, but I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive or understand.

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05-23-2005, 01:11 PM	#2
kimlou MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: May 2004 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,688 Gallery: kimlou Stats: 186/147/135 OR LOWER WOE: LC/Low Cal Start Date: February 2004/REINTRO 10/05

05-23-2005, 01:26 PM	#3
USMCmom Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 3,149 Gallery: USMCmom Stats: size 14/10/8 WOE: stop eating so much Start Date: 2/2003	Wow, I would definately say he needs counselling. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine. Me personally, I couldn't live with him anymore, baby or not. You have to know if you will be able to forgive and forget. It can be easier said than done, but you know yourself better than anyone. I wish you luck. ps - Did these women actually mail him dirty pics of themselves? How sad is that, that a woman would stoop that low?

05-23-2005, 01:28 PM	#4
SuzinBama Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 62 Gallery: SuzinBama WOE: Atkins Start Date: February 2004	Mush, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to give you a hug, tell you that things will be better one day.

05-23-2005, 01:35 PM	#5
tsimmons Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: USA Posts: 60 Gallery: tsimmons Stats: 208/160/150 (5'10") WOE: trying to stick to Atkins/kimkins	First-I am so very sorry that you are going through this C-R-A-P!! MEN-sometimes you just wanna......... uh...never mind that thought LOL- First ? is CAN u get over something like that??? If you think you can (and only YOU know YOU), then the how is worth thrying to figure out and I wish you all of the best if that is what you decide to do. Personally-I don't think I could-it would be a very hard decision to have to make and I will remember you in my prayers. Please keep us posted and I wish you the best with this situation!

05-23-2005, 02:04 PM	#6
FitinCO MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Denver, Colorado Posts: 1,679 Gallery: FitinCO Stats: 270/220/125 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Dec 2, 2003	I certainly know how you feel - it is so devastating, especially the depth of the betrayal. :hug

05-23-2005, 02:34 PM	#7
JRo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: District of Columbia Posts: 13,277 Gallery: JRo Stats: 205/190/125 WOE: atkins Start Date: August 2008	how did you find out? Did he tell you voluntarily or did you catch him? Why does he all of a sudden want to change his ways?

05-23-2005, 02:54 PM	#8
Mushmush MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: NJ Posts: 1,272 Gallery: Mushmush Stats: 172/135/132 WOE: WW Start Date: 1/7/2007 (Start WW)	I caught him, plain and simple. Then I did some research and more sordid facts came out. It looks like this whole thing was spinning out of control.

05-23-2005, 02:55 PM	#9
JRo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: District of Columbia Posts: 13,277 Gallery: JRo Stats: 205/190/125 WOE: atkins Start Date: August 2008	I guess it ultimately comes down to whether or not you still love him and want to make it work. I couldn't do it, but I'm not in that situation either.

05-23-2005, 03:29 PM	#10
Ana K.S. Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Orange County, California Posts: 6,927 Gallery: Ana K.S. Stats: New Mommy 13.5lbs down 11.5 to go! WOE: Trying to eat healthy	OH I am so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know if I could forgive so much betrayal. But like the others say this is up to you. I feel you deserve better than this.

05-23-2005, 03:41 PM	#11
gettingstrength Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Tennessee Posts: 9,523 Gallery: gettingstrength Stats: 184 / 170 / ? WOE: atkins Start Date: 6 / 1 / 2002

05-23-2005, 04:08 PM	#12
rachel2writer Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 634 Gallery: rachel2writer	. If it were me, I would at least give the counseling a try. It's hard to tell whether you'll be able to get past it and ever trust him again. If you do decide to work on it, he will have to EARN your trust and respect again. Good luck sweetie, I know you have a long road ahead of you.

05-23-2005, 04:51 PM	#13
saucylady Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 6,590 Blog Entries: 1 Gallery: saucylady	Do try the counseling. Even if the marriage is DOA, it can give you a lot of understanding of the issues in your relationship and strength to take on your life. A good counselor will NOT try to force the marriage to continue, but will try to push both of you to look at how you each contributed to the problems in the marriage.

05-23-2005, 05:20 PM	#14
Dreamer37 Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Montana Posts: 5,332 Gallery: Dreamer37 Stats: 187/169/130 Start Date: october 26th restarted 1/29/08	Im sorry you are going through this...

05-24-2005, 11:20 PM	#15
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	"he's been hanging out in chatrooms with teenagers pretending to be a teenager himself. " That is really scary. I can't imagine how horrible it would be if I found out that one of my teenage daughters had been chatting with a grown and married man posing to be a teenager. I wouldn't be able to deal with this kind of deception. I think the counselling is a great idea. I would not be able to trust someone who did this kind of thing and for me, trust is a necesssary part of a relationship. If you are going to give him another chance he needs to get rid of his computer. I'm so sorry you have been put in this situation.

05-25-2005, 06:37 AM	#18
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	OMG. I do not know if I could overlook this level of infidelity. You cannot trust a liar. He needs serious help. The teenage chatroom thing borders on illegal and you cannot allow it to continue. I would remove the computer from the home and get rid of any cell phones and insist he go for major counciling, he is sick and cannot be trusted. I would not live with him during this time, the backlash may affect you and your child.

06-03-2005, 08:40 AM	#19
Phinnk Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 442 Gallery: Phinnk	This man has some very serious issues that will not be fixed with an "I'm sorry". I can't speak for you, but if my husband did those things, I would be so "out of that relationship" his head would spin. He needs professional help and I'm sure you could use some counseling as well, to get you through this trauma. Honey, you are worth much more than this man is giving you credit for. Be good to yourself and put your needs first this time.