Is having sex with your husband when you don't feel like it, considered rape?

GardenMom · 05-21-2005, 07:53 PM

I have hardly any sex drive....I do love affection, etc and get plenty of that, but I don't have the need for the act itself. That said, my DH and I have sex about twice a week. I know how important it is to him and that is how men show love and have love shown to them....I almost always initiate it.

I had a friend once tell me that it was equal to rape

I don't see it that way at all....my DH is not forcing me at all or making me feel guilty, nothing like that.

Also, my sister in law was telling me she hasn't had sex with my brother in nearly a year because she just doesn't feel like it. I think that is sad and there is an underlying issue there. JMO, but I couldn't imagine just not having it because I didn't feel like it. I think there are things in marriage that take some effort and I guess sex is one of them.

saltire · 05-21-2005, 07:55 PM

unless someone is forced into sex then no I do not see it as rape. In rape you have no choice and no power, but if you don't feel like it but make yourself that is a choice on your behalf.

chassiepooh · 05-21-2005, 07:56 PM

Your friend is crazy, sorry!! That is not rape, that is called keeping your SO happy. There are times I may not be 110% in the mood, but I'm there for him always, and I don't regret that.

I rather that, then, him finding it else where.

Suzie · 05-21-2005, 07:58 PM

No it's not rape. But I find it very said that they have Viagra for men, but nothing that doesn't have a risk of causing cancer for the millions of women who suffer from a low libido. I have a low one too, didn't used it... but it sucks.

DiamondDeb · 05-21-2005, 07:58 PM

I think...

If you say no & he forces himself on you, it is. If you agree even though you really don't want to, then it isn't.

If you are doing the initiating because you love him & want to meet his needs (this is what I understand you are doing), then it is not anything that could ever be considered rape. It is an act of love.

DiamondDeb · 05-21-2005, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suzie

No it's not rape. But I find it very said that they have Viagra for men, but nothing that doesn't have a risk of causing cancer for the millions of women who suffer from a low libido.

I agree.

CaliforniaGirl · 05-21-2005, 08:00 PM

Your friend IS crazy. Rape involves sex with a woman against her consent.

silentkate · 05-21-2005, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saltire

unless someone is forced into sex then no I do not see it as rape. In rape you have no choice and no power, but if you don't feel like it but make yourself that is a choice on your behalf.

I agree.

GardenMom · 05-21-2005, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DiamondDeb

If you are doing the initiating because you love him & want to meet his needs (this is what I understand you are doing), then it is not anything that could ever be considered rape. It is an act of love.

Exactly...it would almost be equal to him saying "well honey, I really don't feel like going to work today"....I mean I know it's not the exact same thing...but...

Heab · 05-21-2005, 08:03 PM

Your friend needs her head examined.

Borg_Bunny · 05-21-2005, 08:04 PM

Tell your friend that Andrea Dworkin is dead and to back away from the rhetoric.

Abbey32 · 05-21-2005, 08:05 PM

You're a better wife than I am.

And hell no, it's not rape.

Osorris · 05-21-2005, 09:22 PM

No, it would be rape if he pressured you and made you do it

If your doing it of your own free will, without being threatened or blackmailed in any way its just you being kind and thoughtful of your husbands needs. I think maybe your friend is mistaken on the meaning of rape. Been raped, also had sex when i didnt really feel like it.... one was a horrid violent act and the other was just a shared moment between my husband and I just about making him feel good.

Lacey01 · 05-21-2005, 10:21 PM

Better than me too. I hardly never initiate. Even when we were dating NEVER.
No that's not rape.

JRo · 05-22-2005, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suzie

No it's not rape. But I find it very said that they have Viagra for men, but nothing that doesn't have a risk of causing cancer for the millions of women who suffer from a low libido. I have a low one too, didn't used it... but it sucks.

Viagra doesn't put men in the mood - it allows them to function when they are in the mood. Women have lube, I guess.

I don't really know what it's like to not be a big hornball, but I would think at some point a doctor's visit might be in order, as hormonal changes can affect those things.

Zhak · 05-22-2005, 01:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GardenMom

I have hardly any sex drive....I do love affection, etc and get plenty of that, but I don't have the need for the act itself. That said, my DH and I have sex about twice a week. I know how important it is to him and that is how men show love and have love shown to them....I almost always initiate it.

I had a friend once tell me that it was equal to rape

I don't see it that way at all....my DH is not forcing me at all or making me feel guilty, nothing like that.

Also, my sister in law was telling me she hasn't had sex with my brother in nearly a year because she just doesn't feel like it. I think that is sad and there is an underlying issue there. JMO, but I couldn't imagine just not having it because I didn't feel like it. I think there are things in marriage that take some effort and I guess sex is one of them.

your SIL sounds a lot like me.. last year, my husband and i had sex only once, and i think the same could be said for every year dating back a couple of years before that.. the first year, we might have had sex every month or so. i think i lost my libido in my early 20s. before i was married, i had sex quite often. i was also in pretty good shape back then so i'm not sure what it is (my low self-esteem or lack of sex drive or a combination of both). granted, earlier this year (which was a couple of months after i went off the birth control pills), my libido shot through the roof and we had sex a few times in one week.. we were both pretty surprised about it. that all ended a few months ago and we haven't had sex since then. i just don't have it in me to have sex and i understand his need for it, i just can't give that to him right now. :/

Jennyl · 05-22-2005, 02:36 AM

buy your friend a dictionary

Dabbadooey · 05-22-2005, 06:39 AM

My ex husband had a very strong sex drive wanting sex almost daily. He frequently complained about my low sex drive. We have been divorced now for three years, and it has been so freeing not having to have sex anymore. He has remarried, and I bet that poor woman is miserable!

JunkintheTrunk · 05-22-2005, 06:43 AM

Being forced to have sex by your DH or anyone else is rape.

Consenting to sex even though you're not in mood isn't.

It's not rocket surgery.

Just Martha · 05-22-2005, 06:54 AM

You said YOU initiate it most of the time. I am sorry, but this in NO way can be compared to rape.

BigRed · 05-22-2005, 08:51 AM

This is a good topic!

IMHO, sex is sex.. and in relationships sometimes we get busy and tired and our hormones get disrupted and we wake up one day and realize it's been a month since we had sex!!!!! OH NO and what's worse... after a month of no sex, the drive seems to have deminishted!!!! and we just don't 'feel' like it!!!
NOW THAT DOES NOT MEAN that we don't love love love our spouse or SO .... but ...
NOW I really do NOT like Dr. Phil or his advise, usually, but I heard him on this subject once and it made sense... sometimes you just have to have sex for sex's sake, just to PRIME THE PUMP so to speak.. it might take 5 or more times of just going through the motions, but it works...
SO
if you wake up one day and realize that it's been ages since you and your SO have had sex
AND
you realize you don't really feel like it
IMHO (and Dr. Phil's)
You should just have sex.
no frills
get the job done
sex
and on a regularly scheduled basis
and the drive will return.
OH AND DRESS-UP is a fine addition to the no frills prime the pump act, but have a little... you might just enjoy it.

and doing the act without the desire and/or drive is NOT RAPE
I wish people would NOT throw the rape word around...
RAPE is not even about sex
Rape is about power over another person.
Rape is an act of violence
it is using your body as a weapon (just like a gun) against another human being.

RobinB · 05-22-2005, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chassiepooh

Your friend is crazy, sorry!! That is not rape, that is called keeping your SO happy.
I rather that, then, him finding it else where.

Exactly!! It's called keeping your man interested in *you.*

USMCmom · 05-23-2005, 08:55 AM

Good post BigRed!

CLM · 05-28-2005, 12:53 PM

Is anyone just not attracted to their spouse anymore? I guess it doesn't help that we aren't getting along great lately,but when I look at him I just think yuck.(I don't say this to him) When we do have sex I just do whatever I can to get it over with as fast as possible.I just am not turned on by him at all. Do you think that can be changed?

No I do not think having sex like this is rape.Its my choice.

Bubbles · 05-28-2005, 02:53 PM

Are any of you with a low libido seeing a Dr? There ARE drugs available. Certain blood work will reveal what hormones and things like iron levels etc are low. My libido was shot till I spoke with my Dr and after testing she said my Iron levels and and B-12 levels were practically non exhistant, both are cheap and available over the counter. What a difference within a week!!!! I 100% with Dr Phil about having sex for sexes sake. Your desire will naturally go down if you aren't doing it and it is unfair to your partner as well.
It is not normal for a woman before menopause sets in NOT to want sex. And after menopause there is help available as well.

GardenMom · 05-29-2005, 07:35 PM

I take iron and B-12...no help....LOL....Thanks for the tip though.

Bubbles · 05-31-2005, 06:51 AM

Gardenmom, not trying to be rude or nosey but do you ever have an orgasm during sex? Do you have one with a BOB or manually? I rarely had one for years during actual intercourse until my female OB/GYN said "Have you ever taken the time to tell your DH what he is doing wrong?" I was so afraid to bring this up with him. Most men 'perfect' their techniques in the back of cars during HS and rarely try anything new because it ALWAYS works for them so they do not see a problem. I actually went out and rented a p0rn movie to give him ideas. He was shocked but let me tell you he learned some new tricks that night. I started to speak my mind and tell Mr. Bubbles what he needed to do. And for a good catholic girl it sure was not easy.
You really need to discuss this with DH and Dr. You owe it to yourself.

GardenMom · 05-31-2005, 08:37 AM

Orgasms are no problem, my DH is the perfect partner

I just don't need it. I think it's because I get some much attention and affection in other ways that I feel very content

gilbabe75 · 05-31-2005, 08:54 AM

Gardenmom, I'm there with ya...I can take it or leave it. For me, it is because I'm tired. I don't feel like having sex. But I do anyway. I wait for the day that my kids are a bit older and I sleep thru the night and I am not tired and have time for fun sex again.

On the original question, it is not rape. However, if a man is guilting you and pressuring you and denying you sleep by arguing continually if you don't do it. It is sexual abuse. Been there done that. I don't even consider that rape. That to me is abuse but not rape. Rape to me is a violent act of taking sex from someone that is fighting

05-21-2005, 07:53 PM	#1
GardenMom Domestic Goddess Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: So Calif Coast Posts: 15,824 Gallery: GardenMom Stats: 215-207-159 Start Date: Jan 3, 2009	Is having sex with your husband when you don't feel like it, considered rape? I have hardly any sex drive....I do love affection, etc and get plenty of that, but I don't have the need for the act itself. That said, my DH and I have sex about twice a week. I know how important it is to him and that is how men show love and have love shown to them....I almost always initiate it. I had a friend once tell me that it was equal to rape I don't see it that way at all....my DH is not forcing me at all or making me feel guilty, nothing like that. Also, my sister in law was telling me she hasn't had sex with my brother in nearly a year because she just doesn't feel like it. I think that is sad and there is an underlying issue there. JMO, but I couldn't imagine just not having it because I didn't feel like it. I think there are things in marriage that take some effort and I guess sex is one of them. __________________ Garden Mom SAHM to 2 boys *****************

05-21-2005, 10:21 PM	#14
Lacey01 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 738 Gallery: Lacey01 WOE: Atkins	Better than me too. I hardly never initiate. Even when we were dating NEVER. No that's not rape. Last edited by Lacey01 : 05-21-2005 at 10:22 PM.

05-28-2005, 02:53 PM	#25
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Are any of you with a low libido seeing a Dr? There ARE drugs available. Certain blood work will reveal what hormones and things like iron levels etc are low. My libido was shot till I spoke with my Dr and after testing she said my Iron levels and and B-12 levels were practically non exhistant, both are cheap and available over the counter. What a difference within a week!!!! I 100% with Dr Phil about having sex for sexes sake. Your desire will naturally go down if you aren't doing it and it is unfair to your partner as well. It is not normal for a woman before menopause sets in NOT to want sex. And after menopause there is help available as well. __________________ I don't have a problem with anger, I have a problem with idiots. Just because I don't care, does not mean I don't understand.

05-21-2005, 07:55 PM	#2
saltire wonton momma Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Scotland Posts: 16,061 Gallery: saltire Stats: 252/252/200	unless someone is forced into sex then no I do not see it as rape. In rape you have no choice and no power, but if you don't feel like it but make yourself that is a choice on your behalf.

05-21-2005, 07:56 PM	#3
chassiepooh Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Louisiana Posts: 24,806 Gallery: chassiepooh Stats: 315/192/170 WOE: Low Calorie Start Date: 4/26/05	Your friend is crazy, sorry!! That is not rape, that is called keeping your SO happy. There are times I may not be 110% in the mood, but I'm there for him always, and I don't regret that. I rather that, then, him finding it else where.

05-21-2005, 07:58 PM	#4
Suzie Vaccinated with a record needle Join Date: Sep 2000 Location: She's a Brick - Houuuse Posts: 11,701 Gallery: Suzie Stats: Down 23! - 42 to go! WOE: LowCarb Start Date: Jan 16 2006	No it's not rape. But I find it very said that they have Viagra for men, but nothing that doesn't have a risk of causing cancer for the millions of women who suffer from a low libido. I have a low one too, didn't used it... but it sucks.

05-21-2005, 07:58 PM	#5
DiamondDeb Fat Burning Machine Extraordinaire! Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 41,758 Gallery: DiamondDeb WOE: Custom	I think... If you say no & he forces himself on you, it is. If you agree even though you really don't want to, then it isn't. If you are doing the initiating because you love him & want to meet his needs (this is what I understand you are doing), then it is not anything that could ever be considered rape. It is an act of love.

05-21-2005, 08:00 PM	#7
CaliforniaGirl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 30,104 Gallery: CaliforniaGirl	Your friend IS crazy. Rape involves sex with a woman against her consent.

05-21-2005, 08:03 PM	#10
Heab Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: May 2003 Location: Colorado Springs, CO Posts: 11,759 Gallery: Heab Stats: 230/212/150 WOE: IE / Atkins Start Date: January 7, 2008 restart 4/29/08 after ankle better	Your friend needs her head examined.

05-21-2005, 08:04 PM	#11
Borg_Bunny MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: In the pool Posts: 1,725 Gallery: Borg_Bunny	Tell your friend that Andrea Dworkin is dead and to back away from the rhetoric.

05-21-2005, 08:05 PM	#12
Abbey32 The Basket Case Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Stuck in the 80s Posts: 16,933 Gallery: Abbey32 Stats: 141 5'7" WOE: Bloated mess	You're a better wife than I am. And hell no, it's not rape.

05-21-2005, 09:22 PM	#13
Osorris Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Columbus, Oh Posts: 24,169 Gallery: Osorris Stats: 28/24/12 WOE: Moderate Carbs	No, it would be rape if he pressured you and made you do it If your doing it of your own free will, without being threatened or blackmailed in any way its just you being kind and thoughtful of your husbands needs. I think maybe your friend is mistaken on the meaning of rape. Been raped, also had sex when i didnt really feel like it.... one was a horrid violent act and the other was just a shared moment between my husband and I just about making him feel good.

05-22-2005, 02:36 AM	#17
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	buy your friend a dictionary

05-23-2005, 08:55 AM	#23
USMCmom Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 3,149 Gallery: USMCmom Stats: size 14/10/8 WOE: stop eating so much Start Date: 2/2003	Good post BigRed!

05-22-2005, 06:39 AM	#18
Dabbadooey MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: South Carolina USA Posts: 1,838 Gallery: Dabbadooey WOE: Metabolic Medical Clinic Start Date: 8/8/08	My ex husband had a very strong sex drive wanting sex almost daily. He frequently complained about my low sex drive. We have been divorced now for three years, and it has been so freeing not having to have sex anymore. He has remarried, and I bet that poor woman is miserable!

05-22-2005, 06:43 AM	#19
JunkintheTrunk Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 7,995 Gallery: JunkintheTrunk	Being forced to have sex by your DH or anyone else is rape. Consenting to sex even though you're not in mood isn't. It's not rocket surgery.

05-22-2005, 06:54 AM	#20
Just Martha Hooka Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: South Texas Posts: 14,313 Gallery: Just Martha Stats: Pregnant! WOE: Ask me Monday!	You said YOU initiate it most of the time. I am sorry, but this in NO way can be compared to rape.

05-22-2005, 08:51 AM	#21
BigRed MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: East Coast Posts: 2,896 Gallery: BigRed	This is a good topic! IMHO, sex is sex.. and in relationships sometimes we get busy and tired and our hormones get disrupted and we wake up one day and realize it's been a month since we had sex!!!!! OH NO and what's worse... after a month of no sex, the drive seems to have deminishted!!!! and we just don't 'feel' like it!!! NOW THAT DOES NOT MEAN that we don't love love love our spouse or SO .... but ... NOW I really do NOT like Dr. Phil or his advise, usually, but I heard him on this subject once and it made sense... sometimes you just have to have sex for sex's sake, just to PRIME THE PUMP so to speak.. it might take 5 or more times of just going through the motions, but it works... SO if you wake up one day and realize that it's been ages since you and your SO have had sex AND you realize you don't really feel like it IMHO (and Dr. Phil's) You should just have sex. no frills get the job done sex and on a regularly scheduled basis and the drive will return. OH AND DRESS-UP is a fine addition to the no frills prime the pump act, but have a little... you might just enjoy it. and doing the act without the desire and/or drive is NOT RAPE I wish people would NOT throw the rape word around... RAPE is not even about sex Rape is about power over another person. Rape is an act of violence it is using your body as a weapon (just like a gun) against another human being.

05-28-2005, 12:53 PM	#24
CLM Senior LCF Member Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ill Posts: 245 Gallery: CLM	Is anyone just not attracted to their spouse anymore? I guess it doesn't help that we aren't getting along great lately,but when I look at him I just think yuck.(I don't say this to him) When we do have sex I just do whatever I can to get it over with as fast as possible.I just am not turned on by him at all. Do you think that can be changed? No I do not think having sex like this is rape.Its my choice.

05-29-2005, 07:35 PM	#26
GardenMom Domestic Goddess Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: So Calif Coast Posts: 15,824 Gallery: GardenMom Stats: 215-207-159 Start Date: Jan 3, 2009	I take iron and B-12...no help....LOL....Thanks for the tip though.

05-31-2005, 06:51 AM	#27
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Gardenmom, not trying to be rude or nosey but do you ever have an orgasm during sex? Do you have one with a BOB or manually? I rarely had one for years during actual intercourse until my female OB/GYN said "Have you ever taken the time to tell your DH what he is doing wrong?" I was so afraid to bring this up with him. Most men 'perfect' their techniques in the back of cars during HS and rarely try anything new because it ALWAYS works for them so they do not see a problem. I actually went out and rented a p0rn movie to give him ideas. He was shocked but let me tell you he learned some new tricks that night. I started to speak my mind and tell Mr. Bubbles what he needed to do. And for a good catholic girl it sure was not easy. You really need to discuss this with DH and Dr. You owe it to yourself.

05-31-2005, 08:37 AM	#28
GardenMom Domestic Goddess Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: So Calif Coast Posts: 15,824 Gallery: GardenMom Stats: 215-207-159 Start Date: Jan 3, 2009	Orgasms are no problem, my DH is the perfect partner I just don't need it. I think it's because I get some much attention and affection in other ways that I feel very content