How do you know?

[wannalose]

How do you know that . . .

it isn't just another fight, that things would be better alone, that you shouldn't stay for the kids, that when it's gone, it is gone? How? I think, well, in the grand scheme, he's a good dad, a good provider, others would think a good husband. How long does a person go on empty? depressed? No talking in the house, no real interaction. Just living life. Day by day. Shouldn't there be more? Would there be more?

[wicked]

there should be more....
sometimes you have to actively decide to make it more....
and he needs to know you need more....
or you need to talk about why and where its going.

[LFinOH]

uhmmm..
I have been living it for 13 years now,
well, we don't fight though. but the
rest is a perfect description of my life.
it sucks, but I have NO desire to try
to support myself, our son & grandson
on my own w/just a tad of child support.
I don't want to live in an apartment,
lose my yard, pool and other things. I
don't think I would make it mentally in
such a confined space having lived in a
roomy house on 5+ acres for the past
15 years. our son is 13 and gson is gonna
be 5 ... I got a lot of years to go ... sigh

[wicked]

but dont you wonder why....
maybe it could be mended...

[wannalose]

Oh believe me, I feel your pain. The worst part is, I could make it on my own. I make a decent living and am not worried about surviving. I guess I am just holding out, hoping it gets better. Knowing it won't. I just don't have the courage to do it. Although, I get a little closer every day.

[collrob2101]

Are you still in love with your SO? If you want it to work I would try to fix it. If you know deep down inside it won't then get out now. *thinking of you*

[wannalose]

I guess I do think maybe it can be mended, or else I wouldn't be here. But how many times can you say - this is broken. It isn't working. And nothing, nothing ever changes. It's just like we are roomates. I don't want to give the impression that we fight alot. We don't much. Just don't talk. I guess I have given up.

[wicked]

i went through this about two years ago...
i had checked out mentally
it took some therapy and some active effort....of checking back in.
it makes a difference if both parties really want to stay.

[mzmawissa]

Originally Posted by wicked

there should be more....
sometimes you have to actively decide to make it more....
and he needs to know you need more....
or you need to talk about why and where its going.

what she said



you such a way with words

[Abbey32]

[tsimmons]

Maybe the only way to know is to try that route and see-but then what if it is not any better??? Have you ever REALLY though of what your life Could be like without the SO in it? Do you think it would be more satisfying to you than what you have now??

Some people would be content to have what you describe-not much fighting and a fairly "roommatey" atmosphere-but then others-which seem like yourself seem to want much more out of the relationship-

So-I send you much compassion because you don't really sound like you are happy with that situation and everyone deserves to be happy! Good Luck with it-but for what it is worth-it probably won't change until you decide to change it-Maybe have a serious talk with the SO or something like that might help?

[kaisergirl]

Maybe he's just as unhappy. Do you know? Men can sense there's something not there too, but maybe he feels trapped too and like it's his "manly" duty to stay and provide. By not talking about it and seeking help you're doing yourself, your children and your husband a severe injustice. Besides, what are you teaching your 13 yo son? That it's okay to go through the motions of marriage... loveless, zero communication, and ignoring the root of the problem? You deserve better, whatever that may be.

[CurveControl]

I totaly feel your pain. We rarly fight, and almost never have sex. No passion either way. I Love him, and can't imagine being w/out him, but I suspect he is just here because it is easier to stay.
I woke up crying today b/c I dreamed I lost a lot of wt, and looked like I did when we were first married, and he said he still didn't want me b/c he dosn't even like me. I have dreams like this that either have me wake up Pizzed off or crying a lot. Then I get up, Take my wellbutrin and go one more day. Yes I try to talk to him, no it dosn't solve anything. Holding pattern.

[kimlou]

[NCgrl]

Life is very short.

[Jennyl]

I was in a similar situation. Get counselling. Talk to someone objective. If he is willing to participate in couples counselling...then do that too. I decided not to continue living as I was...and it was the best decision I ever made. I don't care if it's more comfortable staying....if you are unhappy....nothing is worth that price. This is just me and my experiences though....you have to do what is right for you.

[brilliant100]

Be aggressive about making your marriage the best that it can be. It will be uncomfortable to try and change the paridigm each of you has created regarding the relationship. But what if by fighting for a better relationship, the struggle gets you what you want!

Marriage is ordained by GOD. It is holy and can be beautiful. I have never been married by I am surrounded by couples old and young that are trying to make it work. And I am encouraged that being married and happy in it for the rest of your life is possible.

If you do nothing, next year this time things will be the same.

[valg]

I went through a very similar place earlier this year. I've been married 23 years, and was ready to walk. I was losing it, crying lots, etc. He wasn't willing to go to counseling (we've done that in the past). I know we both love each other, but the emptyness was beginning to kill me. He knew I was struggling badly and where I was at, and to his credit was taking me seriously......he could accurately read I was there.

This may sound sort of dumb....but we got the book 5 Languages of Love by Gary Smalley and he agreed to read it too. He has NEVER read a book since we've been married, ever! That meant so much to me. Anyways, perhaps it was the timing.....but it was a powerful revelation to both of us and we just talked about our thoughts and feelings as we read this book seperately. We both have implemented some small changes in our relationship since then, but those small changes have meant the world. 6 months later we are both feeling more secure and loved again. I'm no were near where I was 6 months ago. I'm deeply grateful.

It's worth a read, and a serious decussion with your spouse.

[Truth05]

My wife and I were both feeling stressed but I really didn't understand we were on the brink of separation and divorce. Go get counseling NOW before you feel so overwhelmed. She did and she left feeling we were emotionally detached from one another and just living like friends with benefits. She has some other issues as well but I think she would have stayed if I would have been more attentive when she seemed to need me most. On the flip side however, she always saw how I was neglecting her needs but failed to recognize how she was neglecting my needs. It became mutual neglect where we were simply going through the motions of life every day. She became so dissatisfied she no longer thinks our marriage is worth saving. I felt that if we could work through this bad time we would have had a better, more loving relationship than ever before. When we marry in a traditional ceremony we agree to stay together through the good times and the bad. Just because you are on a downtime doesn't mean things won't get better. I was working two jobs this past year and didn't have a lot of time to spend with my wife. I was constantly running on empty emotionally. I was planning to quit my night job and concentrate more on our relationship but I didn't clearly communicate that with my wife. She also failed to see how her behaviors contributed to my becoming inattentive. She would frequently chat online, write and watch TV but when I tried to talk say shhh don't talk to me now I'm watching this.

If you love your husband and want to save your marriage you must get professional help. You can't believe that you can work through communication problems on your own. After all, you are having communication problems. You need a translator right now. Truth05

[BABSY]

I am going through this right now. My husband has been calling me fat since I got that way. Well, now I have lost weight and he is saying I am old and have wrinkles. When does it end. I wont sleep in the same room with him anymore. I believe he has cheated on my in the past. He wont admit to it of course. He used to be physically abusive. Now its just verbal. I dont want this the rest of my life. But, I dont want to give up the material things and I dont want to struggle. I do work, but he makes double what I make and he gives me all his check. Sometimes I think, how many men will do that? I am 39 and I am just getting older and older. I think, I better leave now while I am still somewhat young. I know this is not about me, it is about you. But, I just want you to know that someone else is going through it too. And I am so glad you posted this. Feel free to pm me.

[Truth05]

My wife called it quits when we could have saved our marriage. She gave up because she didn't think I could change and neither did I. Divorce will change both of you. Got to counseling quick or at least buy a few books on marriage so you can learn to communicate again. Marriage should be a sacred covenant but far too often people stop talking get mad and one decides to leave before the other. Go to conseling, get help. Save your marriage. If he was a drunk wife beater I would tell you to leave but if he's a good dad and father I would tell you that you have something worth saving so you can get to the next level in your relationship and have a much better marriage. Truth