Another vent. Some advice please

sarahm19 · 05-19-2005, 11:43 PM

Hey guys. I really don't mean to just complain all the time. But last time I asked for help about my boyfriends mom, I really felt better typing all my feelings out and hearing your responses. I've just got to get this out tonight, it's killing me.

My dad - obese almost his whole life. Usually starts eating at dinner time (only one meal a day, but its HUGE). Then he snacks all night long. He eats really unhealthy things too like chips, ice cream,etc. His doctor gave him advice because his cholesterol was really high, but he wouldnt follow it. Instead he just started taking tons of pills. He's taken tons of diet pills before even though he knows its not about a pill- its a lifestyle change! I'm a nutrition major. I've done everything I can to educate him. Explain whats healthy, whats not. Explained that fitness models eat 6 times a day and sumo wrestlers eat one a day... I wouldn't get so worked up in this and let it bother me so much except that he's always complaining about how fat he is, but how he cant help it. Then when he sees people like celebrities, he says "well its easy for them, its not possible for me". BS! They may have more $, but if they want to lose weight, they've still gotta work their butt off in the gym. He also does really weird things like eat the food that my brother and I make for ourselves. For example, if I make a lunch, sometimes he'll eat it. Last year I bought my boyfriend a gift basket from Harry and Davids and I told my dad it was for my boyfriend but wasnt listening...so he ate the gift basket! And didnt even replace it.

Anyway, we went out to dinner tonight and we're at a Chinese place. I ordered shrimp and veggies without the sauce. His new thing lately is claiming that hes doing low carb (but he has no idea what it is). He orders chicken and asks if its breaded. It isnt so he orders. I tell him (not to get all food-nazi on him, but just to help his efforts) that if he'd like to know, the sauce has sugar in it. He goes "uhh yea" and orders it anyway. Which is fine - I want him to have the freedom to decide for himself. But then he eats that, an appetizer, a fried egg role, white rice and tons of that sugar-laden red sauce.
I dont say anything but my inner voice is screaming. My mom somehow starts a conversation about will-power (a co-worker or something) and dieting.... I say that dieting certainly has a lot to do with personal willpower. He says (paraphrasing here) "well my parents fed me a lot as a kid so now its impossible for me to have any willpower". And I said "I was a fat kid too, dad, and your parents overfed me too, but anyone can change at any time to get healthier". But he's convinced that its his parents fault that hes overweight and hes done no wrong....but because of them that hes going to be fat forever - and it makes him depressed.
It kills me because he's not being true to himself. And he's not loving himself. I dont want to be the food police at all....I just want him to form his own healthy relationship with food...instead of being obsessive like he is. But I've tried forever, and I have to accept that i CANT change him. Any tips on caring less?

PS THIS is one of the reasons why I'm moving out in 3 months !

SANITY

Jennyl · 05-20-2005, 01:44 AM

I don't think you should care less. Just know that you can't change the situation, you can only control how you react to it. I don't think this means you should stop caring. Your Dad probably knows what he is supposed to do, so telling him over and over isn't going to help.

Maybe have one more conversation with him...away from the dinner table. Tell him that you are concerned about him and you want him to be healthy. Tell him that if he ever wants any help you are there in a heartbeat. That is all you can do. The decision to act will be his. Don't badger him about his unhealthy eating habits or lack of exercise, that might make things worse. He will know that you care about him and love him and that you are there for him. The rest is up to him. You are not responsible for your father's health, he is. But you can still love and care for him a lot and have fun with him and be there for him when he needs you.

USMCmom · 05-20-2005, 06:22 AM

I agree with Jennyl. Sounds like you have done everything you can possibly do. The rest is up to your dad. My mother always pushed food on my siblings and I when we where young too but I don't blame my mother for my willpower problem. Even people that are at goal are challenged with food constantly. Exercising also takes willpower. I HATE to do it but I know I need to. I started walking a mile each morning and each night again, even though I'd rather be sitting on the couch eating ice cream and cookies. You've got to give a little to get a little.

That one final talk with your dad is a good idea. After that, leave him alone. Maybe it will just take time for him to decide to do it on his own. If not, just rest assured that you've done everything you can.

Good luck and keep us updated.

toni1954 · 05-20-2005, 06:40 AM

Your post made me think! I am a grandmother , and I tend to have treats in the house for the grandchildren,one is gettiing a little overweight. I don't want to be the one that causes weight problems for my beautiful grandchildren. I am getting rid of everything bad and have only healthy snacks. Thanks for the eye opener!

sarahm19 · 05-20-2005, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toni1954

Your post made me think! I am a grandmother , and I tend to have treats in the house for the grandchildren,one is gettiing a little overweight. I don't want to be the one that causes weight problems for my beautiful grandchildren. I am getting rid of everything bad and have only healthy snacks. Thanks for the eye opener!

Thats really cool! I mean, yea, there are so many ways to show a child you love them besides junk food. An occasion is okay but its better to form a healthy relationship with food for them.

As far as the 1 final talk...it is a great idea, but he never listens. I've had that one final talk several times before. We went for a walk a while ago and he said "I'm gonna get really healthy and exercise and eat right..." (he's made that empty promise many times) and all I said was "okay dad, its up to you but I just want you to know I'm always here for whatever help you need."

I mean, help was offered but he doesnt want. I dont want to push further than I am welcomed. This is now my own mental battle I guess.

Bubbles · 05-20-2005, 10:30 AM

Whoever does the cooking and shopping can easily eliminate all the junk in the house after that is is up to Dad.

webgrrl · 05-20-2005, 11:28 AM

Can you escalate the conversation with your dad to the real issue.... that he is in victim mode and not taking responsibility for himself and his actions? It's so easy to blame others. I wish you the best of luck and I hope he turns around soon.

sarahm19 · 05-20-2005, 12:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bubbles

Whoever does the cooking and shopping can easily eliminate all the junk in the house after that is is up to Dad.

oh i wish. My mom buys him junk allll the time. She also does all of the cooking. (I cook all of my own meals).

yes, its absolutely about victim mode. But honestly, every time he goes off onto how its not his fault, I do tell him, anyone can change their lifestyle. He just doesnt believe. Honestly, I love him very much, but for this and many other family reasons I think its gonna be great to move out. I mean, my parents love me so much and they do all they can to take care of me, but now I need to take care of my mental health.

larryt · 05-20-2005, 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahm19

I'm a nutrition major. ccept that i CANT change him. Any tips on caring less?

Ask your professor for some advice. I bet they deal with these kinds of issues all the time. Maybe use your Dad as a class project. LT

sarahm19 · 05-20-2005, 11:03 PM

yea maybe I should talk to someone. Especially when I start taking nutrition and psychology classes (combined- as in how what you feel relates to what you eat). That might provide me some insight. Thank you.

05-19-2005, 11:43 PM	#1
sarahm19 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 1,070 Gallery: sarahm19 Start Date: Dec 8th, 2004	Another vent. Some advice please Hey guys. I really don't mean to just complain all the time. But last time I asked for help about my boyfriends mom, I really felt better typing all my feelings out and hearing your responses. I've just got to get this out tonight, it's killing me. My dad - obese almost his whole life. Usually starts eating at dinner time (only one meal a day, but its HUGE). Then he snacks all night long. He eats really unhealthy things too like chips, ice cream,etc. His doctor gave him advice because his cholesterol was really high, but he wouldnt follow it. Instead he just started taking tons of pills. He's taken tons of diet pills before even though he knows its not about a pill- its a lifestyle change! I'm a nutrition major. I've done everything I can to educate him. Explain whats healthy, whats not. Explained that fitness models eat 6 times a day and sumo wrestlers eat one a day... I wouldn't get so worked up in this and let it bother me so much except that he's always complaining about how fat he is, but how he cant help it. Then when he sees people like celebrities, he says "well its easy for them, its not possible for me". BS! They may have more $, but if they want to lose weight, they've still gotta work their butt off in the gym. He also does really weird things like eat the food that my brother and I make for ourselves. For example, if I make a lunch, sometimes he'll eat it. Last year I bought my boyfriend a gift basket from Harry and Davids and I told my dad it was for my boyfriend but wasnt listening...so he ate the gift basket! And didnt even replace it. Anyway, we went out to dinner tonight and we're at a Chinese place. I ordered shrimp and veggies without the sauce. His new thing lately is claiming that hes doing low carb (but he has no idea what it is). He orders chicken and asks if its breaded. It isnt so he orders. I tell him (not to get all food-nazi on him, but just to help his efforts) that if he'd like to know, the sauce has sugar in it. He goes "uhh yea" and orders it anyway. Which is fine - I want him to have the freedom to decide for himself. But then he eats that, an appetizer, a fried egg role, white rice and tons of that sugar-laden red sauce. I dont say anything but my inner voice is screaming. My mom somehow starts a conversation about will-power (a co-worker or something) and dieting.... I say that dieting certainly has a lot to do with personal willpower. He says (paraphrasing here) "well my parents fed me a lot as a kid so now its impossible for me to have any willpower". And I said "I was a fat kid too, dad, and your parents overfed me too, but anyone can change at any time to get healthier". But he's convinced that its his parents fault that hes overweight and hes done no wrong....but because of them that hes going to be fat forever - and it makes him depressed. It kills me because he's not being true to himself. And he's not loving himself. I dont want to be the food police at all....I just want him to form his own healthy relationship with food...instead of being obsessive like he is. But I've tried forever, and I have to accept that i CANT change him. Any tips on caring less? PS THIS is one of the reasons why I'm moving out in 3 months ! SANITY __________________ BS in Nutritional Sciences Certified Sports Nutritionist Certified Personal Trainer and where do I make the most money? REAL ESTATE INVESTING PM me if you want to know how to become a real estate investor Last edited by sarahm19 : 05-19-2005 at 11:46 PM.

05-20-2005, 06:22 AM	#3
USMCmom Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 3,149 Gallery: USMCmom Stats: size 14/10/8 WOE: stop eating so much Start Date: 2/2003	I agree with Jennyl. Sounds like you have done everything you can possibly do. The rest is up to your dad. My mother always pushed food on my siblings and I when we where young too but I don't blame my mother for my willpower problem. Even people that are at goal are challenged with food constantly. Exercising also takes willpower. I HATE to do it but I know I need to. I started walking a mile each morning and each night again, even though I'd rather be sitting on the couch eating ice cream and cookies. You've got to give a little to get a little. That one final talk with your dad is a good idea. After that, leave him alone. Maybe it will just take time for him to decide to do it on his own. If not, just rest assured that you've done everything you can. Good luck and keep us updated. __________________ Christi

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05-20-2005, 01:44 AM	#2
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	I don't think you should care less. Just know that you can't change the situation, you can only control how you react to it. I don't think this means you should stop caring. Your Dad probably knows what he is supposed to do, so telling him over and over isn't going to help. Maybe have one more conversation with him...away from the dinner table. Tell him that you are concerned about him and you want him to be healthy. Tell him that if he ever wants any help you are there in a heartbeat. That is all you can do. The decision to act will be his. Don't badger him about his unhealthy eating habits or lack of exercise, that might make things worse. He will know that you care about him and love him and that you are there for him. The rest is up to him. You are not responsible for your father's health, he is. But you can still love and care for him a lot and have fun with him and be there for him when he needs you.

05-20-2005, 06:40 AM	#4
toni1954 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: ny Posts: 99 Gallery: toni1954 Stats: 212/210/120 Start Date: 05/15/05	Your post made me think! I am a grandmother , and I tend to have treats in the house for the grandchildren,one is gettiing a little overweight. I don't want to be the one that causes weight problems for my beautiful grandchildren. I am getting rid of everything bad and have only healthy snacks. Thanks for the eye opener!

05-20-2005, 10:30 AM	#6
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Whoever does the cooking and shopping can easily eliminate all the junk in the house after that is is up to Dad.

05-20-2005, 11:28 AM	#7
webgrrl Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Cincinnati, OH Posts: 5,938 Gallery: webgrrl Stats: 225.5/206.2/154 WOE: South Beach Start Date: Jan. 24th, 2002 (Atkins) Jun. 23rd, 2007 (S.Beach)	Can you escalate the conversation with your dad to the real issue.... that he is in victim mode and not taking responsibility for himself and his actions? It's so easy to blame others. I wish you the best of luck and I hope he turns around soon.

05-20-2005, 11:03 PM	#10
sarahm19 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 1,070 Gallery: sarahm19 Start Date: Dec 8th, 2004	yea maybe I should talk to someone. Especially when I start taking nutrition and psychology classes (combined- as in how what you feel relates to what you eat). That might provide me some insight. Thank you.