Turning frogs into prince's

snoocharoo · 05-19-2005, 01:41 PM

I was gonna post this in the PG but it's really more of a relationship issue so it probably should go here.

How do you get your man to be affectionate????? This is like one of the greatest mysteries of my universe. I've been in a mongamous, fairly happy relationship for 8 yrs with a man who is a late bloomer when it comes to women. MY DBF lived with his mother until he was 33 yrs old, never dated, never had a serious relationship, never seemed to care. He was perfectly content just being one of the guys and having his mommy-maid. Then I came along and rocked his clock. He went from free wheeling single dude to BLAMO instant family. It took YEARS for us to workout all the kinks but we stuck with it and I'm happy to say for the first time ever in my life I have a family that is somewhat normal.

The problem is that there is very little romance in our relationship. My DBF has never told me any of the things that women long to hear (you're beautiful, I'm proud of you, you smell good etc.). It took him 4 years just to tell me he loved me. He is also not very affectionate. We are young and healthy yet we rarely have sex, maybe 1x a month. It's like it's just not important to him. When we do the deed it's very one-sided and again no affection. He doesn't kiss me at all before, during or after except for maybe a peck on the lips before sleep. He will lay there and let me do all the work and he doesn't seem too concerned about whether or not I was satisfied. If I mention it he says "oh well I tried but it's been too long and I was too worked up" or "I'm really just too tired tonight" or "next time". I feel sorta rejected or something. I know that he loves me and I know for a fact that he is not cheating, he's warm and caring in other ways but I swear he was in the food line when they were handing out the romance gene's. I have never had to work so hard to get a man to want me. I blame myself for this lack of romance and constantly pick myself apart; if my breasts didn't sag he would be more attracted to me, if I were thinner he would love me, if I had a prettier face...you get the idea.

As terrible as this is to say I blame his mother. He is the only child of a single mother who is from a very uptight, old-money New England family. She is very dependent on DBF and when I first met him I got the weird feeling she used him like a surrogate husband. She was very bitter toward me in the beginning but once she realized that DBF was doing what normal men his age do she lightened up.

I am not the most affectionate creature either, PDA's make me incredibly uncomfortable as do love and romance novels and TV shows. I struggle with self-esteem issues and can't stop obessing about my appearance even when we are in-coitus. It makes me sad that I can't just let go and enjoy myself.

I realize that I have MAJOR hangup's and need to make some changes, I don't how to make those changes and I don't know how to add more zest to our relationship. I also have no idea how to get HIM to be more affectionate. I have come right out and asked but he makes light of it or makes a joke about it.

Any ideas? What jazzes your relationship up?

Thanks,

Stephanie
168/166/140 - 5'9"

dizneegirl · 05-19-2005, 02:27 PM

Welcome to the wonderful world of men. Some are romantics (few, far between, and truly cherished!), most are not... think it must have something to do with testosterone!

Just like some people are affectionate, others are not.

You can show him that you'd like to be more affectionate together, simply by upping your own affection toward him. He just may or may not respond in kind. DH didn't come from a touchy-feely, affectionate family... gradually over the years, he's become more so toward me, simply by living with my affection toward him (did that make any sense?). But romantic? Not usually.

I keep hoping... and every once in a while, he surprises me!

My MIL and I figured out why men are so "different" once, by the way... women have XX chromosomes, men have XY... they're unbalanced because they're missing that extra leg on the second X!

djalomo · 05-19-2005, 08:23 PM

>>Just like some people are affectionate, others are not.

True, true. I find myself with the opposite problem -- I'm affectionate but not NEARLY as romantic as the men I always date. In every relationship I've ever been in, toward the end I usually start to feel smothered by so much lovey-ness. And I HATE cheesiness and clichés of any sort -- bleah...no, I *don't* want to go on a horse-carriage ride, play miniature golf, etc.

But then again, I'm notoriously high-maintenence and won't get involved with anyone who won't appreciate me up and down. So I guess that's the type of person I end up attracting with all my issues...

Jennyl · 05-20-2005, 01:57 AM

I think there is a difference between being affectionate and being uninterested in sex. A lot of men are not as affectionate as women but are still loving and giving partners in the bedroom. You might be right about his intimacy issues coming from his childhood and upbringing. If this is the case I don't know that it's anything you will be able to remedy on your own. I wish I had some good advice for you. If I were in a situation like yours I would be extremely unhappy. Have you thought about counselling? If he won't go with you then go by yourself. I think that his disinterest is feeding your own insecurities about your body. Very few of us have fabulous bodies and yet we still enjoy a healthy love life with our partners. You are not asking too much for your partner to care about your needs.

Fine Mind · 05-20-2005, 04:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennyl

I think there is a difference between being affectionate and being uninterested in sex. A lot of men are not as affectionate as women but are still loving and giving partners in the bedroom. You might be right about his intimacy issues coming from his childhood and upbringing. If this is the case I don't know that it's anything you will be able to remedy on your own. I wish I had some good advice for you. If I were in a situation like yours I would be extremely unhappy. Have you thought about counselling? If he won't go with you then go by yourself. I think that his disinterest is feeding your own insecurities about your body. Very few of us have fabulous bodies and yet we still enjoy a healthy love life with our partners. You are not asking too much for your partner to care about your needs.

I agree with this completely. When I was in grad school I hooked up with a man very much like the one you describe--great guy but emotionally unavailable and just not into sex. The experience took its toll.
I would not count on changing him.

As a side observation, I want to say that I think (in general) people are less sexual than they were 5 years ago. I'm around a lot of young people and their feelings about sex are VERY DIFFERENT. I'd love to find out the statistics on it.
Anyway, Stephanie, I wish you luck, and try not to beat yourself up too much about it. My guess is that his lack of responsiveness has NOTHING to do with you! Good luck and

snoocharoo · 05-20-2005, 10:27 AM

We talked last night and he's been feeling the same way as I have, we decided that we need more intimacy and alone time. He said that he wants to be intimate but by the time we're ready for bed we are both exhausted. The weekends are no better because he works a 2nd job and I run like afool with my daughter. Then we have the house and the cars, the shopping, the cleaning, laundry, we both do volunteer work and are active in our community center. It's just too much, we're spread too thin and have no time for US. I asked if it was an issue with my appearance, and he said no, he thinks I am incredibly sexy and wonders why I love him so. It made me get all verklempht.

Tonight my kid is going to a skating party, we are having a tag sale on Sat & Sun for the Community Center. We are making a date out of going around the neighborhood to collect tag sale stuff, we scheduled intimacy. This isn't the perfect solution but it's livable and it's a step forward. Maybe I'll try to be a bit sexier tonight as added motivation.

Thanks gals, you are all DIVA's!!!!

berries&cream · 05-20-2005, 01:54 PM

That's good that you talked with him about it. I think when partners discuss things they often find out that they have been feeling the same way. Having kids tends to slow things in the bedroom for everyone. Furthermore, once-a-month people are actually statistcally pretty common. Scheduling intimacy is not a bad thing, it is often recommended once things get slow. Anyway snoocharoo, your problems seem pretty normal, glad you discussed things and could work them out!

Truth05 · 05-20-2005, 07:52 PM

If he's exhausted you aren't going to get the same attention as if you wake up fresh in the moring both jump in the shower and then jump out and get it on...

My ex always wanted to wait till bed time and then wasn't really into it. It was as if she was doing me a favor. I wanted to jump her bones the minute she got home from work because I was happy to see her and I like spontaneous surprised sex. Later I was always tired and not as much in the mood but I never said no

She left because she decied she really didn't love me

I would have loved to spend some time before and after giving and getting some affection. Just don't expect tenderness right before bed after you both have been working all day. How about Saturday morning play time

You might find you get it more than once a month

Even towards the end of my marriage my wife and I had sex two to three times per week

Now I have to learn to be single and celebate again.

Jennyl · 05-22-2005, 03:06 PM

I think you two need a weekend away. Not for sex, if that happens then great, but don't push it. I think you both just need some time to relax and reconnect.

JRo · 05-23-2005, 02:32 PM

are you guys close in other aspects of your relationship? Is there strong emotional intimacy? It doesn't really sound like it. Does he really love you or is it a matter of convenience, do you think? If you asked him that, what would he say?

Out of curiosity - is there any talk of marriage? I don't think I could be with someone 8 years without making some serious moves toward marriage.

One final thought - is there any possibility he's gay?

Johnny Mack · 05-23-2005, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snoocharoo

How do you get your man to be affectionate????? This is like one of the greatest mysteries of my universe.

I hate to say it but more than likely if he's not the romantic type he's not going to be. This is an issue you need to decide if you can live with. Oh sure you may bring it up and he may try to please you...but i'll bet most times he's going to revert right back to his old habits.

Good luck..

05-19-2005, 01:41 PM	#1
snoocharoo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 12,881 Gallery: snoocharoo Stats: 178/147/140	Turning frogs into prince's I was gonna post this in the PG but it's really more of a relationship issue so it probably should go here. How do you get your man to be affectionate????? This is like one of the greatest mysteries of my universe. I've been in a mongamous, fairly happy relationship for 8 yrs with a man who is a late bloomer when it comes to women. MY DBF lived with his mother until he was 33 yrs old, never dated, never had a serious relationship, never seemed to care. He was perfectly content just being one of the guys and having his mommy-maid. Then I came along and rocked his clock. He went from free wheeling single dude to BLAMO instant family. It took YEARS for us to workout all the kinks but we stuck with it and I'm happy to say for the first time ever in my life I have a family that is somewhat normal. The problem is that there is very little romance in our relationship. My DBF has never told me any of the things that women long to hear (you're beautiful, I'm proud of you, you smell good etc.). It took him 4 years just to tell me he loved me. He is also not very affectionate. We are young and healthy yet we rarely have sex, maybe 1x a month. It's like it's just not important to him. When we do the deed it's very one-sided and again no affection. He doesn't kiss me at all before, during or after except for maybe a peck on the lips before sleep. He will lay there and let me do all the work and he doesn't seem too concerned about whether or not I was satisfied. If I mention it he says "oh well I tried but it's been too long and I was too worked up" or "I'm really just too tired tonight" or "next time". I feel sorta rejected or something. I know that he loves me and I know for a fact that he is not cheating, he's warm and caring in other ways but I swear he was in the food line when they were handing out the romance gene's. I have never had to work so hard to get a man to want me. I blame myself for this lack of romance and constantly pick myself apart; if my breasts didn't sag he would be more attracted to me, if I were thinner he would love me, if I had a prettier face...you get the idea. As terrible as this is to say I blame his mother. He is the only child of a single mother who is from a very uptight, old-money New England family. She is very dependent on DBF and when I first met him I got the weird feeling she used him like a surrogate husband. She was very bitter toward me in the beginning but once she realized that DBF was doing what normal men his age do she lightened up. I am not the most affectionate creature either, PDA's make me incredibly uncomfortable as do love and romance novels and TV shows. I struggle with self-esteem issues and can't stop obessing about my appearance even when we are in-coitus. It makes me sad that I can't just let go and enjoy myself. I realize that I have MAJOR hangup's and need to make some changes, I don't how to make those changes and I don't know how to add more zest to our relationship. I also have no idea how to get HIM to be more affectionate. I have come right out and asked but he makes light of it or makes a joke about it. Any ideas? What jazzes your relationship up? Thanks, Stephanie 168/166/140 - 5'9"

05-19-2005, 02:27 PM	#2
dizneegirl MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,884 Gallery: dizneegirl	Welcome to the wonderful world of men. Some are romantics (few, far between, and truly cherished!), most are not... think it must have something to do with testosterone! Just like some people are affectionate, others are not. You can show him that you'd like to be more affectionate together, simply by upping your own affection toward him. He just may or may not respond in kind. DH didn't come from a touchy-feely, affectionate family... gradually over the years, he's become more so toward me, simply by living with my affection toward him (did that make any sense?). But romantic? Not usually. I keep hoping... and every once in a while, he surprises me! My MIL and I figured out why men are so "different" once, by the way... women have XX chromosomes, men have XY... they're unbalanced because they're missing that extra leg on the second X! __________________ "The whole idea the diet doesn't work when you go off of it? That's the whole point. Why would you go off of it? Here is a diet that's fun to eat..." Dr. Robert Atkins, CNN's Crossfire, 1999

05-19-2005, 08:23 PM	#3
djalomo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 13,769 Gallery: djalomo Stats: 132/ getting there! /110 WOE: Atkins Start Date: August 2004	>>Just like some people are affectionate, others are not. True, true. I find myself with the opposite problem -- I'm affectionate but not NEARLY as romantic as the men I always date. In every relationship I've ever been in, toward the end I usually start to feel smothered by so much lovey-ness. And I HATE cheesiness and clichés of any sort -- bleah...no, I don't want to go on a horse-carriage ride, play miniature golf, etc. But then again, I'm notoriously high-maintenence and won't get involved with anyone who won't appreciate me up and down. So I guess that's the type of person I end up attracting with all my issues... __________________ boo.

05-20-2005, 07:52 PM	#8
Truth05 Junior LCF Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 37 Gallery: Truth05	Don't wait for bedtime If he's exhausted you aren't going to get the same attention as if you wake up fresh in the moring both jump in the shower and then jump out and get it on... My ex always wanted to wait till bed time and then wasn't really into it. It was as if she was doing me a favor. I wanted to jump her bones the minute she got home from work because I was happy to see her and I like spontaneous surprised sex. Later I was always tired and not as much in the mood but I never said no She left because she decied she really didn't love me I would have loved to spend some time before and after giving and getting some affection. Just don't expect tenderness right before bed after you both have been working all day. How about Saturday morning play time You might find you get it more than once a month Even towards the end of my marriage my wife and I had sex two to three times per week Now I have to learn to be single and celebate again.

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05-20-2005, 01:57 AM	#4
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	I think there is a difference between being affectionate and being uninterested in sex. A lot of men are not as affectionate as women but are still loving and giving partners in the bedroom. You might be right about his intimacy issues coming from his childhood and upbringing. If this is the case I don't know that it's anything you will be able to remedy on your own. I wish I had some good advice for you. If I were in a situation like yours I would be extremely unhappy. Have you thought about counselling? If he won't go with you then go by yourself. I think that his disinterest is feeding your own insecurities about your body. Very few of us have fabulous bodies and yet we still enjoy a healthy love life with our partners. You are not asking too much for your partner to care about your needs.

05-20-2005, 10:27 AM	#6
snoocharoo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 12,881 Gallery: snoocharoo Stats: 178/147/140	We talked last night and he's been feeling the same way as I have, we decided that we need more intimacy and alone time. He said that he wants to be intimate but by the time we're ready for bed we are both exhausted. The weekends are no better because he works a 2nd job and I run like afool with my daughter. Then we have the house and the cars, the shopping, the cleaning, laundry, we both do volunteer work and are active in our community center. It's just too much, we're spread too thin and have no time for US. I asked if it was an issue with my appearance, and he said no, he thinks I am incredibly sexy and wonders why I love him so. It made me get all verklempht. Tonight my kid is going to a skating party, we are having a tag sale on Sat & Sun for the Community Center. We are making a date out of going around the neighborhood to collect tag sale stuff, we scheduled intimacy. This isn't the perfect solution but it's livable and it's a step forward. Maybe I'll try to be a bit sexier tonight as added motivation. Thanks gals, you are all DIVA's!!!!

05-20-2005, 01:54 PM	#7
berries&cream Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Atlanta, GA Posts: 872 Gallery: berries&cream WOE: Atkins	That's good that you talked with him about it. I think when partners discuss things they often find out that they have been feeling the same way. Having kids tends to slow things in the bedroom for everyone. Furthermore, once-a-month people are actually statistcally pretty common. Scheduling intimacy is not a bad thing, it is often recommended once things get slow. Anyway snoocharoo, your problems seem pretty normal, glad you discussed things and could work them out!

05-22-2005, 03:06 PM	#9
Jennyl Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: calgary Posts: 24,145 Gallery: Jennyl Start Date: manana	I think you two need a weekend away. Not for sex, if that happens then great, but don't push it. I think you both just need some time to relax and reconnect.

05-23-2005, 02:32 PM	#10
JRo Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: District of Columbia Posts: 13,277 Gallery: JRo Stats: 205/190/125 WOE: atkins Start Date: August 2008	are you guys close in other aspects of your relationship? Is there strong emotional intimacy? It doesn't really sound like it. Does he really love you or is it a matter of convenience, do you think? If you asked him that, what would he say? Out of curiosity - is there any talk of marriage? I don't think I could be with someone 8 years without making some serious moves toward marriage. One final thought - is there any possibility he's gay?