How can we help our "teens"?

[Phinnk]

I have a daughter who is twenty, a college student, and way overweight. I feel so badly for her because she has awful stretch marks on her stomach, she is probably 250 lbs. She does not always dress appropriately for her weight, and that alone drives me nuts. Since she just got out of college, I try to keep healthy snacks around and no more "breaded" foods, etc. She does not seem to want to commit to any type of weight loss program (I think for fear of failure). Any tips on how to interest her without alienating myself in the process? I want her to feel great about herself while also wanting to drop some weight. She's a great kid - bright, beautiful and funny. A hard worker and honor student. Help!!!

[stews]

you can't force her to eat right. all you can do is have the healthy foods available and limit the unhealthy foods in your home. that way, if she wants the bad stuff, she has to go get it herself. encourage her, if possible, by saying something like "if she wants" you will do it with her. or talk to her about findint a way of eating that is healthy AND she can live with for her likes and lifestyle.

it's a hard thing because you don't want to push her away and she is not going to lose weight until SHE is ready. make sure she knows you will support her on any eating plan she chooses if she decides to try something.

also, you could try to get her to go on some walks or something with you. it would get some exercise in without forcing the "exercise" word. just a time to be together and talk about life or whatever.

[smileybrunette]

I got my daughter to walk with me everyday for 45 mins to an hour. She dropped 15 lbs that way, and that motivated her to keep going. Now she watches her sugar intake and is trying to eat healthier. Emphasize eating healthier and not losing weight when you talk about diet. Try to point out how sugar effects your whole system. Dr. Perricone has written articles and appears on t.v. quite often and he does a good job of explain why sugar is terrible for your complexion and skin, not to mention the rest of you. Most people aren't so concerned with their organ health etc, especially when they are young, but they do care about looking good and having pretty skin, since that shows on the outside. Once you understand that high glycemic foods also encourage break-outs as Dr. Perricone explains, then there is more motivation to avoid those foods.

You gotta figure it's going to take baby steps to get there. So just work towards one baby-step at a time.

[Phinnk]

Thanks so much. I love her so much and would never want to drive her away. Or worse, in some cases with young adults, they start sticking their fingers down their throats. Its such a delicate subject, especially with females at that age.

[Sequim88]

Same situation....21yo DD away at college and eating poorly. She inheirted my carbs loving genes. Very delicate balance between supporting her low self esteem by not criticizing her weight yet still being concerned about it. Best approach so far has been by example. One of the extra motivators that keeps me intune with LC. I need to show her what can be done. Gradually I see behavior changes....like diet pop instead of regular and avoidance of aspertame. More salads and less potatoes, etc... but also disappointing things like avoidance of meats and other low-fat mentality and incessant snacking on crackers and chips. A factor that does not help is the level of diet misinformation in the sorority house and the food that is served there (plenty of starches).

At 5'2" and 145 lbs she is getting more than a little pudgy (mainly a huge belly) yet insists on wearing clothes that are not appropriate - bare middrif stuff with the belly hanging out or too tight pants. We have to suspect she has some sort of skinnier image of herself - a sort of denial thing I guess. But then again....probably better than being anorexic and thinking she is fat - one reason approaching her about weight and healthy eating is so tricky.

Our best guess about how things will turn out....once out of college and married (to her 5yr steady BF) she will probably "grow up" (perhaps a les harsh term would be "mature") and make better decisions at the grocery store level when she is buying her own food.

why sugar is terrible for your complexion and skin

smileybrunette - excellent thought there....if nothing else appeal to her vanity. She must spend $50 a month already on skin related products. I'll have to research the web and drag up some "ammo" in this area. Thanks.

[Squiggle]

*Waves arms* I'm a teen I'll be 19 in August.

We're not ALL baring our midriffs, wearing tight jeans or piercing and tattooing things left and right. (*I* am tattooing and piercing left and right, but I didn't say we all are ... My mom makes sure they are all hidden under clothes, as one day I might very well become the Queen of England... "and then what?".)

it's a hard thing because you don't want to push her away and she is not going to lose weight until SHE is ready. make sure she knows you will support her on any eating plan she chooses if she decides to try something.

I agree with this completely. My mom was always working to get me to eat well, but it wasn't until I decided for MYSELF that I needed to lose weight, that I started. This was after a horrible beach vacation. I used to be able to suck it in (I MUST have amazing abs under all this somewhere by now) and look great, but my tummy doesn't go flat anymore when I do that, so the vacation was horrible. I didn't want to do anything.

Chances are, she DOES want to lose weight, but it sucks. Have a chat with her, talk to her about joining you in your plan, as a mother/daughter thing. My family did this, and now I'm doing it on my own with their support.

[Squiggle]

Quote:
why sugar is terrible for your complexion and skin

smileybrunette - excellent thought there....if nothing else appeal to her vanity. She must spend $50 a month already on skin related products. I'll have to research the web and drag up some "ammo" in this area. Thanks.

About the skin stuff, I had moderate skin probs... I would panic if I was stranded without concealer.

When I lowcarb (now I'm on it for good), my skin clears up COMPLETELY. As did my dads (we have the same skin)...

It's a selling point, for sure.

[Phinnk]

Hi Squiggle. Your comments are so welcomed by me. Thanks. You know exactly how it feels to try to lose weight, and yes, it does suck big time. I don't want to hurt her feelings by suggesting we do things to help lose the weight. I am so paranoid that I will turn her away. But you are right - this is her call and all I can do is support the helloutta her!

[Squiggle]

I'm glad I can help

Chances are, she knows she needs to lose, and most definitley wants to. If she's confident about her body (she could be, if she dresses to show it) that's awesome and wonderful for her, but she still may need to lose for health reasons... set aside some time to talk to her... whether she agrees with you right then, or a while from now, she will realize in time that you were only concerned and trying to do the best for her out of love and all that good stuff.

[sfmom]

Phinkk - my son has lost 110lbs low carbing - he came to me when he was a freshman in high-school and asked me to help him - he started out somersizing and eventually ended up doing Atkins. He lost his weight in chunks. He would lose 30 lbs and then maintain for a while and lose more again - he is now 19 and has been maintaining his loss for at least a year - he did go through a stage of thinking he could just go back to regular foods & calorie count but of course that didn't work - he now maintaining easily on low-carb and allows himself one day a month to have one of his favorite old foods - you just have to set an example and be there when they are ready - when my son started I knew nothing about low carb, I read everything I could get my hands on and made special meals and lunches for school because I wanted to help him succeed now he has more will-power than me & my husband put together. When she is ready she'll let you know!!
Audrey

[H20girl]

I agree with the above The funny thing is, when mom tells me to do something, I never do it. In fact, sometimes I do the opposite. If she’s happy and confident, there is no reason to make her feel less so. If her health is in danger that’s another story. But until she wants to lose weight herself, she won’t, but I’m sure that she’ll pull through sooner or later when she realizes the repercussions of what she eats.

[CarbCrazyChristine]

I am 22, so I can relate to your daughter. First of all, don't be so concerned with the stretch marks on her tummy. Most people will get them somewhere at some point in their life. That is the least of her problems, really. Tell her how much you love her and how much you care about her but that you are worried. Give her your support and show her you are worried about her health, not about what she wears and her stretch marks. Until she wants to lose weight, she isn't.

[KajunDC]

How can we help our teens? By serving as a good example.

I'm sure you've heard of the "freshman 20." That is that, on average, a freshamn in college will gain 20 lbs the first year at school. Well, with all the high-carb fare offered around campuses lately, we are now looking at the "freshman 50+."

Just remember that right now you are a mother who knows absolutely nothing in your daughter's eyes. She is going to have to figure this out for herself. It is best not to push... just provide information. The more confrontational you get, the more weight she will put on... out of spite if nothing else.

She'll get there mom. Teens have to learn the hard way for the most part. Talk to her about what you are doing. Don't tell her why she should do it... tell her why you are doing it. Ask her advice. Get her involved. She may decide to jump on your way of life.

A great quote is, "People are going to do what they are going to do until they decide to do something else." You can't decide this for her. Until she decides it is a problem, you are just talking to a brick wall.

I know that is not the answer you hoped for, but wating her out is the only choice.

[CarbCrazyChristine]

Originally Posted by KajunDC

How can we help our teens? By serving as a good example.

I'm sure you've heard of the "freshman 20." That is that, on average, a freshamn in college will gain 20 lbs the first year at school. Well, with all the high-carb fare offered around campuses lately, we are now looking at the "freshman 50+."

Just remember that right now you are a mother who knows absolutely nothing in your daughter's eyes. She is going to have to figure this out for herself. It is best not to push... just provide information. The more confrontational you get, the more weight she will put on... out of spite if nothing else.

She'll get there mom. Teens have to learn the hard way for the most part. Talk to her about what you are doing. Don't tell her why she should do it... tell her why you are doing it. Ask her advice. Get her involved. She may decide to jump on your way of life.

A great quote is, "People are going to do what they are going to do until they decide to do something else." You can't decide this for her. Until she decides it is a problem, you are just talking to a brick wall.

I know that is not the answer you hoped for, but wating her out is the only choice.

Not all teens have the mentality that parents know nothing. Especially this girl who is 20 years old. And really, if the parent supposedly knows nothing, the last thing they are going to do is follow the example of the parent who doesn't know anything.

[DisneyPrincess]

Ok well first of all be VERY careful what you say to your daughter because if you imply she is "fat" she may take it the wrong way and spiral out of control. I had a similar experience and ended up losing TOO much weight at one point. If she is insecure saying the wrong thing could be harmful0- not to scare you or anything!

Advice- like others have said, try going for walks with her. My mother actually got me joggin a few years back, and not only did it lead to weight loss, but now I love it. Not only do I like the weight loss benefits but it has given me strength, insurance, and when I run I use that time to reflect about myself. Perhaps you could try to incorporate something like that with your daughter. See if she wants to try a new activity, like swimming or tennis, and try to find something she is GOOD at.

As for food, keeping healthy things around is good but if she doesnt want to eat it she wont, expecially if she is away at school. All I can say is that she will learn, it make take time though

[sltsxkt]

I don't know, at 20 I think "kids" are empowered to make their own decisions, and know whether or not they need to lose weight. I am 22, and I am here on my own accord. She'll find it when she gets to that point... If she is happy with her body, don't take that from her. Nothing gives anyone that right to rob someone of a sense of self security/ self confidence. We're not talking a 12 year old child here, but an adult.
You said yourself she's a great kid, so just keep focusing on her being a great kid.
Take lots of pictures if you're really worried though- people always seem to snap to attention at pictures of themself.

[Phinnk]

You all have no idea how much better you have made me feel. DH and I disagree on this subject constantly - he thinks I should say something and I feel pretty much like the rest of you. It has to be HER decision, as much as I would like to give her a big NUDGE!! I bought her a bunch of t-shirts that are actually her size in the trendiest styles I could find. Most of them still have the tags on them in her closet. (Grrrrrrr).

[calico63]

I have a twenty one year old daughter that refuses to try and loose any weight. The doctor has already told her she needs to loose some but it doesn't seem to sink in. I tried to talk to her but she then takes it the wrong way. I can only hope that one day she will start taking better care of herself.
She also has juvenile diabetes and has had it since she was five and a half months old. She takes shots every day.

[Hazelsmrf]

Yes it's an extremely touchy subject. I was always overweight, my parents took me to a dietician when I was 14, and I resented them for a while for it, even if I knew it was for my own good. I wasn't THAT bad off at the time, about size 12. I stayed size 12 up till I was 18 or 19, then yeah the college pounds started coming on. One day I decided enough and started dieting.

Would I have appreciated my parents telling me they were concerned about my health and weight at 20? No, likely not. In my mind it would have played out something like "they're judgeing me" "they don't accept me" etc. Believe me, even if she did diet to please you, it won't last long and WHEN she gets sick of it, she'll gain it back and feel even worse, or feel that diets just don't work for her.

I realize i'm generalizing here and perhaps you and your daughter have the type of relationship that she wouldn't think these things or see anything awkward about it. But I adore my mother, she's my best friend... and she never would have been able to convince me to do this until I was at THAT POINT where I just HAD to do it and failure was not an option. Perhaps seeing my parents adopt the "Montignac" diet and lose weight on it (it's a diet based on low glycemic index foods) had some impact on me in some way and made me try low carb. I'm not sure, but surely somewhere subconsciously it played a role. So I'd say yeah, teach by example, but don't preach it.

[moneypenny]

weight is a touchy subject period--family or not! your DD is 20 and an adult. if you were asking this question about a co-worker, everyone would easily say "she has to make the decision for herself. better not to give unsolicited advice to someone on their weight." the fact that she's your daughter is what's clouding this issue for your DH.

i do not know you personally, but the fact that you are so concerned for your DD and that you and your DH have discussed the issue tells me that you are definitely capable parents. well then, be confident in the way that you have raised your daughter! take comfort in the fact that in time your daughter will recognize the problem on her own--because you have raised her to be an intelligent woman! in fact, she may even come to you for advice--plenty of "kids" still do this these days.

as a side note, many people don't appreciate unsolicited advice from parents once they reach adulthood--to me this remains true whether a person is in their 20's, 30's, 40's or beyond. frankly, i am married, hold a wonderful job, own my second house, and have only a mortgage for debt. my parents did a wonderful job when i was a kid, and now they don't have a need to keep parenting me. believe me, our relationship is better for it!!

[Phinnk]

Thanks, I agree. I remember I thought my mother was "STUPID" until I reached far into my adulthood. We still don't agree on much, but its funny to think back on how we thought our parents didn't know squat about life (certainly not as much as we did at 20 years old - HA!!) Thank God DD and I have a great relationship and are way closer than I ever was with my mom.

[Lisa Rae]

My son has been low-carbing (maintenence levels) since he was 7! (He's now 12) I never talked to him about dieting or losing weight.instead I talked to him about the "family" making some changes so we all feel better. At her age..it's definatly up to her..but you can do your part too. Don't help her by having the junk in the house. Most of us are much less likely to eat junk if we have to ride a bike or walk to go get it. Lead by example..as your doing Make family time active (we go bike riding each weekend..and we walk to school in the am (then I go run from there..which has been a huge way to get ME to exercise as well) Let her know your there for her..and will help in any way you can. If she seems intrested..get her a book and let it go.

It really has to be up to her. No one could make you low-carb or work on your health untill you hit your bottom. Maybe she hasn't hit hers yet. So untill she does..all you can do is stick to your plan...and maybe seeing how great you look and feel will encourage her to make the leap

[Phinnk]

Why was this thread moved, and where did it go??? I am new here, so I don't quite understand what happened. Can anyone explain?