future mother in law advice- HELP!

[sarahm19]

Hello everyone. I need some serious advice. Or maybe just someone to listen and tell me its ok. I've been with my boyfriend 3 years and I truly love him. We are young and have no marriage plans soon but would love to be together forever. His mom, however, is literally the hardest thing I face in my life, I think.
She has several pain diseases (as do I) but because treatment wasnt so good when she was diagnosed years ago, she's been HEAVILY medicated for years. I also work in the pharmacy where she gets her prescription pain meds and we've never seen anyone taking so many pain meds in our life. I do feel sorry for her, but because of that, she's literally not like a normal person anymore. She acts crazy. She's not trying to be mean or embarassing, but she doesnt realize whats appropriate anymore and its so hard to get that through to her.
I love being with my boyfriend, but she insists that we eat lunch with her once a week (sometimes more) and pretty much every time, I cry when I get home because I'm so overwhealmed with stress. Here are some examples: I meet her for lunch and say, "Hi, how are you doing?". She says "horrible, I have so much pain, I want to die, I want to kill myself. I want to cut my arms and legs off...." and describes these horrible things! She wouldnt do it really, but what am I supposed to say? She goes on and on and its akward for me. Another example: shes very underweight and she says often to me "I'm so fat, aren't I?" I say "no, you look fine...." and she compares herself to my mom, who is overweight saying, "I'm a whole lot fatter than your mom, right?" But it was comparing a 100lb woman to a 275lb woman. I didnt know what to say. That hurt my feelings.
She embarrasses me in public. Now, I know this is something I shouldnt care about, but I get embarrassed easily and its so hard for me to handle. For example, we're eating at a Chinese restaurant, and a waitor who barely speaks any English comes to take our order. She cant eat (and I do feel bad for her). But instead of saying "Nothing, thanks." or "I'm full" or something she says "I have a disease called ......and my esophagus doesnt work and I get horrible pain, see, here is my food tube. And what I see people eat I want to but I cant and sometimes I give in and eat but then I vomit blood all night......" The waiter is freaked out! I mean, it just seems like every second with her is so uncomfortable.
I do honestly feel so sorry for her and I know it must be so hard to be her, but I just don't know how I can change the way I feel when I'm around her. This woman could potentially be in the rest of my life. And I feel so nervous anytime I know I'm going to see her. I don't know what I'm posting for. Just to get that out. I just needed someone to listen. I hope I didnt seem insensitive. Thanks.

[Potaty]

Wow, that's a tough one. What does your boyfriend say about the situation? What does she say when the subject of her inappropriateness comes up? I'm sorry I don't have any advice, just

For what it's worth, my ex's parents were terrible to me (deliberately) and we ended up breaking up over them. I can certainly sympathize!

[sarahm19]

Originally Posted by Kate78526

For what it's worth, my ex's parents were terrible to me (deliberately) and we ended up breaking up over them. I can certainly sympathize!

Oh i'm so sorry That sucks.

My boyfriend literally zones out whenever she talks. He thinks about whatever he wants and just goes "yea, uh huh" to her. But because of that she directs everything at me and gets up in my face and complains (because I listen and reply the way she wants me too). He told me I should try zoning out too. But its hard. I'm no good at it. But I'll try tomorrow.

[H20girl]

Wow I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would feel awkward if I was in the same position as you. That definately shows that you love your boyfriend for putting up with it though. I definatly respect that. A lot of girls would just ditch their boyfriend, when really their boyfriend has no control over it. You must have a boyfriend that loves his mother a lot too for him to be willing to go out to eat with her and you once a week. And they always say, a guy who treats his mother well is even better to his girlfriend. I'm sorry this isn't advice...I'm not in a relatinship or anything so I can't say I've ever experienced that. But best of luck sarah!!!

[Bubbles]

Stop going out to lunch with her. Explain to DBF that the stress is too much for you.

[hollyrae]

Not to be pessimistic but when you marry someone you marry their family too. Just make sure you can handle dealing with this for the rest of your marriage. Hugs.

[funkycamper]

I'm quite concerned about all the pain meds. Maybe she does need them all. Who am I to judge? However, my sister-in-law was on tons of pain meds and had also become a very different person, lost her social skills, and was a miserable person to be around. OK, she was a real *****!

She had several different doctors and they did not coordinate her meds. Her son and his wife eventually intervened and she ended up going to a drug rehab 28-day treatment program, being weaned off most of her pain pills, and is now doing so much better. Of course, she still needs pain meds for some of her conditions but now she is responsible to share with her team of doctors what other medications she's on so that they don't over prescribe. It has made a world of difference in her life and her interactions with others.

I would really look into this if I were you....or, at least, encourage her family to do so.

[Queen Mab]

Originally Posted by Bubbles

Stop going out to lunch with her. Explain to DBF that the stress is too much for you.

Yes, I have to agree with Bubbles. Why is it your responsibility to entertain this woman? You have to protect your own health.

The woman is in serious need of some professional counseling.

[sarahm19]

Originally Posted by Queen Mab

Yes, I have to agree with Bubbles. Why is it your responsibility to entertain this woman? You have to protect your own health.

The woman is in serious need of some professional counseling.

Thanks for the support everyone! This advice (stop going with her) seems so simple (and right) but its so hard...sometimes I do refuse lunch and blame it on lots of homework but othertimes, she just invites herself into our lives. Like yesterday, my bf and i were at the mall. She called him and asked what he was doing and said she wanted to come down and meet us so she did. I know next semester will be busier for me so maybe I can try to get out of it more often.

As far as the drug rehab thing, you are 100% right, funkycamper. Her pharmacist truly belives she is no longer treating the pain so much, but the addiction instead. Shes doesnt act like a person anymore. But anytime one of her family members trys to say something about less meds, she freaks out and screams something like "you dont understand how much pain I have, I NEEEED this!". Its a tough situation.

I would have liked to believe when I was in high school that college would have made me see her less. It does, just not that much. I mean, my bf and I are going to be living here and doing college here for many more years (hopefully grad school will be here too) so its not like I can just move away (what I want to do!). I have to find a way to tone her out. Today I'm really going to make an effort to think of positive things when she is going on and on and just to say "uh huh".

Yea, my boyfriend is a really sweet guy, to me and to his mom. (He still does alllll these errands for her like get her meds, do her returns, do her laundy sometimes, etc). I dont understand how hes so strong. I mean, he doesnt really have someone playing the motherly role to take care of him. I'm so used to my mom being so loving and helpful to me. I guess I should just realize how lucky I am.

[funkycamper]

As far as the drug rehab thing, you are 100% right, funkycamper. Her pharmacist truly belives she is no longer treating the pain so much, but the addiction instead. Shes doesnt act like a person anymore. But anytime one of her family members trys to say something about less meds, she freaks out and screams something like "you dont understand how much pain I have, I NEEEED this!". Its a tough situation.

I'm confused. If the pharmacist sees a problem, isn't it their responsibility to inform the doctor prescribing the medication that it may not be appropriate?

When my SIL was going through this, we had an intervention. She kinda went wild during this, got very angry and became hysterical, made threads....we called the crisis clinic. They sent over someone to assess her. They were so concerned about her condition that she was taken to the hospital for detox immediately and the physicians prescribed that she go to the 28 day treatment facility. I'm not sure of all the details. I'm unclear if the court eventually got involved or not.

But there are ways to deal with this that will help just you....and there are other ways that will help both your future MIL and your BF. After all, wouldn't it be a help for him to get his mom back?

Will he go along with something like this? I really think you need to do some research on local resources and get some help in how to proceed if you want to help this woman. That would be the kind thing to do, imho.

If your BF won't pursue this, to be honest....and I know this sounds mean of me but, so be it....it would make me rethink my relationship with him. If he's not willing to help his mom, what kind of support would he be if you or future children have a major problem? Is he an enabler? This doesn't make him a bad person. He just may not know what to do or how to do it. But if he isn't interested in learning and trying, it would be a clue to me that there's something seriously wrong with their relationship and I would be concerned about how that would play out in my future with him.

I just think the bigger picture here is how to help become a functional family, and how to help your BF and his mom have a healthy relationship. I think that's more important than how she makes you feel at lunch. Remember, if you stay with BF, this could go on for years. Even if you quit having lunch, you will still have interactions with her. Why not try to change things for the good....and get her healthier and happer in the process?

ETA: I'm really not trying to be mean here. I really hope this works out for you. I just think you need to look at the bigger picture. Hope this doesn't hurt your feelings.

[walkthebeach]

Hi,
You're awfully young to be going through this crap, seems to me. She's not even your in-law, yet. Until she accepts she's an addict, it's only going to get worse. I had a doozy of a mother-in-law way back when; I literally dreaded seeing her or talking to her, so I can empathize with your dilemma. I remember when I was divorced from her son, it felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off of my back. Why don't you have a talk with your boyfriend about how you feel about his mom. About how stressful it is for you. Then, take a break from her for about six weeks; a little mini vacation, if you will. I think you will gain some perspective about the abuse you are putting yourself through, vis a vis this woman. You need to put you first here; you're a college student I gather, plus you're working, (and trying to work your eating plan, that takes focus, don't forget). You don't need this garbage.
sincerely,
Beach

[gettingstrength]

[sarahm19]

I honestly don't know if getting her back is possible. The problem is, she has tons of pharmacists, and TONS of doctors. If a doctor doesnt feel he needs to prescribe her something, she drops him and gets a new doctor.

funkycamper, I know you're not trying to be mean. And I'm not at all upset with you. I appreciate the advice. (As I do from everyone). I think I'll have a talk with my bf and see what he thinks as far as where shes going physically and mentally in the future.

All of you guys are so nice. I am feeling better and next time I see her (though it will be less often...I'm gonna try to keep in mind that its only for a short period of time and that I have such great support).

[Jennyl]

Try harder at zoning out. If you aren't feeding into it she might not bug you so much. You are really sweet and caring so I'm sure it would be hard to do this. But what is harder....dealing with her or trying to ignore her?

I spent years dealing with a difficult mother in law, although it was a completely different situation than what you are dealing with. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to please my MIL and nothing worked. One day I just said to myself that nothing I do is going to make her happy so why bother trying? I gave up trying to do what I thought would make her happy and I did what made ME happy. I was 100% happier with the situation after that.

[tsimmons]

WOW-That is a terrible situation- If you try the "zoning out" routine- she might catch on to it and then be upset w/you- or be really hurt herself- Maybe YOU are the only one in her life that does listen to her-really listen I mean. I would just try to summon up all the patience you have before your get togethers-and just keep telling yourself that the moment, hour or whatever will pass and try not to do or say something that you will regret later. Older people on a lot of meds can be very difficult to deal with-so I wish you much luck and all the patience in the world. Try to ask yourself what you would do if this was YOUR mom? Maybe that will help-

Good luck with her

[Truth05]

Mother in Law's . My mother in law never liked me. Before my wedding she told my wife not to marry me and how she deserved better. It took almost six years for that evil seed to transform into open contempt in my wife. My mother in law now says she can't interfear with her daughters decision even though she has been bad mouthing me to my wife this whole time. If you don't get along with your mother in law now, her contempt will eat away at your loved ones nerves until they crack under the pressure and try to make mom or dad happy again. When mom and dad like who you marry, it is that much more pressure to work things out when times get rough and they surely will. If mom and dad don't like who you marry, there is no incentive to stay and work things out. It's true what they say about marriage when two families come together. If the two families can't come together early in the marriage for common holidays, gatherings etc, then it's an indicator that the marriage may not last. Watch for the warning signs. Nobody gets married to get divorced unless they are just looking for $$$$$$$Truth05

[Jamie]

I work with people in chronic pain and I hate to say it but this woman is a drug addict...she has all the classic behaviors of an addict...multiple doctors, mulitiple pharmacists, dropping doctors who won't do what she wants, etc. Your boyfriend and his family need to deal with this via drug treatment center, chronic pain clinic, etc. I am not doubting she has pain but she has gone way beyond dealing with the pain.

As everyone else has said when you marry someone you marry their family as well. You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page with this situation. What is his take on her behavior? How would he feel if you stop seeing her (which you do not need to see her)? How do you feel about him spending time with her? You need to see how you feel about these situations.....

As far as helping BF and his mother improve their relationship....it is their responsibility. You can lead a horse to water (give BF information about drug addiction etc) but you can't make him drink. As long as his mother is a drug addict not much is going to change.

Take care and good luck....

[AngelaL]

Originally Posted by Jamie

I work with people in chronic pain and I hate to say it but this woman is a drug addict...she has all the classic behaviors of an addict...multiple doctors, mulitiple pharmacists, dropping doctors who won't do what she wants, etc. Your boyfriend and his family need to deal with this via drug treatment center, chronic pain clinic, etc. I am not doubting she has pain but she has gone way beyond dealing with the pain.

As everyone else has said when you marry someone you marry their family as well. You and your boyfriend need to be on the same page with this situation. ....

I agree. Multiple docs and multiple pharmacies are a classic sign. I would worry, depending on what she's on, about acetaminophen overdoses. Pain medications taken for PAIN, and not to feed an addiction shouldn't cause bizarre behavior. My father was totally lucid and 100% appropriate for months prior to, and up to 12 hours before he died, using doses of fentanyl patches and dilaudid that would kill you or me. The difference there was that he was truly in pain.

I'm not saying she doesn't have medical problems, but she's exhibiting drug-seeking behavior. Is she seeing a pain specialist?
I also worry about depression. Chronic unrelieved pain can cause major depression, and she seems extremely depressed.

Just another word of caution-- by making it known that you work in a pharmacy, publishing your own picture, and talking freely about your boyfriend's mom, the multiple medications she's on, the fact that she has a feeding tube, etc. would probably be considered a HIPAA violation. I know the temptation is there, but I don't talk about rough days "on the job" for fear that somewhere out of the thousands of people at this site someone could easily put 2 and 2 together to come up with a name, etc.

[funkycamper]

Originally Posted by AngelaL

Pain medications taken for PAIN, and not to feed an addiction shouldn't cause bizarre behavior. My father was totally lucid and 100% appropriate for months prior to, and up to 12 hours before he died, using doses of fentanyl patches and dilaudid that would kill you or me. The difference there was that he was truly in pain.

I disagree. As a nursing facility social worker, with my SIL, and a few other situations that I've observed with various friends, I have seen situations where pain was over-medicated and paranoid behavior and other addictive behaviors occurred. In my SIL's case, she had multiple doctors writing multiple prescriptions for pain meds and she had psychotic episodes until we finally got her into rehab. She still has pain but she is now properly medicated and is no longer paranoid or psychotic.

[AngelaL]

mea culpa. I should have said properly treated pain. While an adverse drug reaction may well cause bizarre and/or psychotic behavior, it's certainly not a tolerable reaction, or one that should be expected in the ambulatory population. It's also far more common in the geriatric population than in the general public, and polypharmacy (which may or may not be a contributing factor) tends to increase the incidence of ADRs.
She needs to be seeing a single pain specialist, not "doctor shopping"
I'm not going to pull out my credentials on a support board.

[JRo]

yeah - the pharmacist needs to call her doctor and explain the situation. Even if there are other doctors and pharmacists it's a start.

[MaryMary]

I would have to agree that she sounds like a drug addict. She may also be anorexic if she can't see that she is underweight and views other people as smaller than she is even when they are obese.

For starters, you can't change her. You can only change yourself. Have you and your boyfriend considered Al-Anon or Narc-Anon for family & friends of addicts? It teaches you how to set boundaries around yourself.

For starters, I wouldn't ask you "how are you?" anymore since that question always solicits a response you don't want to hear. These folks above know what they are talking about. Addiction is genetically inherited. It may show up as addiction to food, drugs, alcohol, spending, work, gambling, but it is the same addiction. Folks who are addicts don't want to feel feelings and try to numb them with substances rather than feel them and deal with them. Although your BF not have crossed over in addiction to a substance, he is exhibiting signs of avoiding his feelings. This is a concern. Rehabs do teach people how to reprogram their brains to function without turning to substances to numb themselves. If he is an only child, it may be on his shoulders to petition the courts to admit her for evaluation if she will not go willingly. Intervention may save her life and give her a life she would want to live for.

I wish you the best.