Wife Moving Out Today

[Truth05]

My wife is moving her things out today and tomorrow. She is getting an apartment near her work and looking for "space" but is not planning to come back. She tells me she is filing for divorce. In the mean time she is in buy mode. Everything to furnish a new apartment except thin things she is taking from the house. I have bent over backwards for her in our relationship and she is treating me like I have never been anything to her after 12 years together but a hinderance. Looking back through the valentine cards and other memories that she has held onto, I can see that there was once love and affection in our lives together but now she is telling me she doesn't know if she ever really loved me. We were trying to have a baby for over a year with no success and now she tells me she never really wanted to have a baby with me. Every time she thought she might be pregnant she was terrified. I am upset that she wanted to talk a few months back and since I wasn't ready on her timetable she is now acting like I have had my chance and the relationship is over, end of story. She went from a $56K position with her company to a $90K managment position in the last year, has book publishing deals and is writing a novel right now. She is blaming me for all the misery in her life yet she thrives on the pressures at work and tells me she loves what she is doing. She is not willing to sit down and talk. I am someone she cares about but can't love. She has worked through things in her own head and has decided for the both of us that we must part without really consulting me. My wife has a brilliant mind with a selfish impulsive side. She is used to everyone in her life putting her on a pedestal and is just now bringing up her discontent with our five year wedding anniversary last June. She is furious I didn't do anything over the top but she didn't either. We had a ****ty day driving up to the mountains because we got a late start and she was cranky from the word go. We had just got back from a trip to Hawaii with her parents. I have been loyal and faithful but my wife always wanted more from me than I could give. She would often critisize me but could not take critisizm in return. I felt like I always had to compete with her parents who showered their daughter with gifts, balloons etc... I married a regular spoiled only child brat. Dammit why do I have to love her. Why do I feel so empty inside. She has betrayed me to the core. I don't know if I could trust another woman completely again. I made my wife a pledge on our wedding day to stick it out through good times and in bad. She thinks that just because we were going through a rough time that her life would never be happy with me. This is the woman who early in the marriage would not take off her wedding ring. This is the woman who told me I needed to make up my mind after dating 6 years and broke down in tears when I took her to dinner and told her I wanted to marry her. This is the woman who was so certain that she wanted to marry me. This is now the woman who is so certain that she must leave and that the relationship is unrepairable. She never got pregnant, (so she says) and is running from me as fast as she can. I feel like I could have done better as a husband but that she should have asked to go to counseling months ago if she felt this way. We could have had a much better marriage if she had just been more honest and not expected me to read her mind.

[KissysMom]

I am so sorry. I don't have any advice at all, just know that I will be thinking about you.

[ahowell]

truth,

I dont want to put ideads in your head or make you supicious, since I cant know all sides of this, but it sounds like she has something else going on. Maybe someone else? I dont know but if shes treating you this way, you deserve so much more. Dont let her actions and hurtful things threaten a new relationship. There are many many women out there who would love to be with someone like you that have never known such love.
I hope for the best since you obviously want your marriage to work. Maybe she will get on her own and realize what shes missing and come back to you.

[RobinB]

So sorry to hear that! Twenty years ago when I left my first dh, I only wished that he cared I was going. There were no cards collected through the years, no gifts he ever gave me to be memories. You sound loving and caring and all I can say is hang in there, pray a little. Things will get better with time.

[sleuthfan]

IMPE, relationships don't break up because of one person, but because of both.
Her feelings and decisions are valid for her and you need to accept and respect that. You say you didn't want to talk about the relationship with her a few months ago. Well, she's turned the tables and does not want to discuss it now even though you do. She may well feel YOU gave up on the relationship when you refused to talk about the relationship , that may be the root of all that's happening now. And who knows how many other such 'signs' she saw in your behavior that you were and are unaware of.
Is she not allowed to pursue her own dreams, to be happy? If the relationship is over for her, she has a perfect right to end it legally and move on.

I garuntee that if she posted here we'd hear a very different story than the one you're telling. We ALL see things from our own narrow perspective, especialy in the midst of an emotional, stressful time. As difficult as it is, you really need to try and step back, take the long view and try to be objective. That's the value of counseling IMO. A professional counselor can help you work through your feelings of anger, frustration and hurt so you don't feel the need to play the blame game and can have more effective conversations with your wife. It may welll come down in the end to simply accepting that your union is over. But even if that happens, a good counselor will help you find peace with and acceptance of the situation.

Best of luck.

[Fine Mind]

Dear Truth,
I am sorry that you are hurting right now. Things will get better with time...really. From what you've written, I'd say the truth is that the two of you are emotionally incompatible.

This is the woman who early in the marriage would not take off her wedding ring. This is the woman who told me I needed to make up my mind after dating 6 years and broke down in tears when I took her to dinner and told her I wanted to marry her. This is the woman who was so certain that she wanted to marry me.

The fact that you waited 6 years to ask her to marry you says you were ambivalent about your feelings for her. When she told you that you needed to make up your mind (to commit), she was asking you to be emotionally some place you were not ready to be.

You describe her as being spoiled and selfish. Focus on that. Do you REALLY want a life's partner who wants more from you than you are willing to give? I don't think so.

You say you'd like to have a family. Do you really want to be with a woman who does not want children. I don't think so.

You say she was critical of you but would not take criticism in return. Do you really want a woman who see things her way only? I don't think so.

You sound like a great guy, but I honestly feel the two of you are incompatible. You are not looking down the same path. This was not going to work out.
A broken heart causes horrible pain and you have my sympathy for that. You're young and there is a lot of happiness ahead for you. Just don't let yourself be pushed into a direction you are not ready to go. Find yourself a partner who wants to walk the same path you want to walk. You can do it. Good luck!

[Boujie]

I've been following your story and I can understand how lost you must feel.

Just take it one day at a time

[Truth05]

I know that relationships are give and take. It's too bad that my wife and I could not strike a balance. I never said I was perfect but my wife could have asked me to go to counseling and I would have. She also could have avoided flirting with a guy on the internet the day she broke our marriage. She says it hasn't been physical but I still have some doubts as she has attended several conferences where the guy has probably also been.

Maybe six years was a long time to be dating. We broke up during that time for not more than a couple of months and were miserable without one another and got back together. I took my marriage commitment seriously and thought my wife did too. If anyone watching expected someone to leave they would have suspected me. She loved me so dearly she would not take her wedding ring off day or night. She loved me with the same certainty and passion as she is divorcing me. She told me she wanted children too until this year. She has tried to have such control over her life that she was certain she would get pregnant when we went to Hawaii last summer. Her desires changed with her recent promotion to senior managment or maybe her 30th birthday. Now she just wants to work and make money. I believe money is great but it doesn't bring peace and happyness to a marriage. Many relationships break up for money. We would have together been clearning 100K this year and living well with a $500 house payment and two cars we paid for CASH. Those were just material things. My wife was more important to me than anything else I have in this world. She just didn't know it. It's as if she died. Even if she came back to me tomorrow I don't know if I could ever trust her again. I found spermacide in her car the day after she told me she wanted a divorce. When confronted, she said she was afraid she would have to have sex with me and didn't want to tell me she was leaving or get pregnant until after my birthday. The argument that ended the marriage was over a trip she took with a female friend to Vegas. The same freind that joked with me about what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas..... Not if she's my wife it doesn't!!! I didn't even get a birthday card from my wife. She really is a good person deep inside but she has her flaws as do we all. Right now however, she is trying to make herself happy by dumping me rather than cutting back at work and getting back to the basics of our relationship. She is the one that gave me a wireless laptop so we could sit on the couch and serf the internet at the same time and yelled at me for not communicating with her. Big mistake! Talk about killing intimacy. You can't both watch TV, surf the internet and have a meaningful conversation at the same time. She is the one who waited till we were tired and ready for bed before we had sex rather than spending more quality time bonding and making love rather than watching TV. I am not a perfect man, but neither was my wife. We needed a counselor to work through some of the deep rooted issues. I feel cheated I really didn't have that chance. We were still having sex up to the day before she left to Vegas. How could anything be so drastically wrong in a mans mind if she is still I miss my wife but don't think we can be just friends after a 12 year relationship. Truth

[Potaty]

[okinawamary]

Hugs and prayers are coming your way. I will be thinking of you and saying a special prayer for you. PM me if you need anything.

[larryt]

I understand what you are feeling friend. After a marriage of 26 years ( a good marriage) I received a call from a young lady telling me that me wife was sleeping with her fiancé. That was 4 years ago, and my wife divorced me.
It hurts because you were glued to your wife. There is no clean break; part of you was ripped out when she left.
I do not believe that there is anything you can do to change her mind. That is something she has to work out for herself. The only person you can control is yourself.
What I drew strength from was my relationship with my Savior, Jesus. The book of Psalms in the Bible holds so much peace for a believer.
Another book that helped me was "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson. I would recommend it for you.
Your wife won't attend counseling with you, but I would suggest you get some counseling help for yourself even if it means going alone.
Another suggestion I would give you is to not get involved with another women. If you would like to try to rebuild your marriage, the chances of it happening with another woman in your life are zero.
Bible based divorce recovery classes are meeting in your area. If interested let me know.
Be strong.
Larry

[Truth05]

I agree that trying to save my marriage with another woman on the side is probably counter productive. I am not going to rush into anything serious right now. I'm a teacher and just getting through each day with my students is hard enough..... This summer is going to be a time for friends and reflection. Maybe my wife will be willing to spend some time with me then to work on our relationship but I doubt it. She refuses to go anywhere for our 6 year anniversary in June. She is running as far and as fast as she can from me into the arms of another man. I changed the locks yesterday because she can't have her place and expect to come "home" when she wants to. My father in law was upset and tried to tell me I should give her a key. Why would I do that? I just changed the locks so she could not come and go as she pleases. My wife may still own half the house but she is not a tenant any longer. When she moved out she moved out. I don't want her having free access unless she is moving back in. I told her to call me and make an appointment when she wants to come over for anything else. Marriage was on her terms but the divorce will be more equal. I have no reason to keep my wife happy anymore. Why should I make things convenient for her to invade "my space". If I continue to placate her she will continue to walk all over me. She has what she wanted. She can now do anything with anyone that she pleases away from her husband. A man has to have some pride... Truth05

[larryt]

Get this book: "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr James Dobson

Larry

[CARLINI]

Originally Posted by Truth05

but now she is telling me she doesn't know if she ever really loved me.

This statement is the key...no amount of counseling or talking can fix the fact that your DW does not love you. This is the core reason, I'm guessing, she wants out of the marriage. As a person who was engaged at very early age I can tell you that your wife is prolly a very different person then she was 10 years ago. People change over the years. Maybe what she wanted before for her life is not what she wants now?

Either way...I know the pain is hard to endure but you will come out of this experience a much stronger and wiser person. I'm guessing, since this is a Low Carb BB that you are taking the steps necessary to make a better life for yourself. Your DW is doing what she needs to do to be happy. Someday, when you are ready, you will do what YOU need to do to be happy.

[landis]

I am so sorry. Just wanted you to know I am praying for you.

[Truth05]

Today I'm up, Wednesday I was down. My emotional rollercoaster is driving me crazy. It's helped that I have had friends and family who have been calling and coming by to talk and I have some great co workers who have allowed me to share. I hate being single. I loved the stable compantionship of marriage. The regular sex was a good benefit too but I miss the hugs and kisses in the morning and at night. I miss having someone I can come home to and share my life with. My confidence has taken such a dip since she said she couldn't live with me anymore. I just wish she would have been willing to work through our problems. I better stop before I make myself

[tsimmons]

Hi there-my thoughts and prayers are with you-as it sounds like you are in need of some support right now. It is great that you have friends & family to help- it sounds like a really lonely time for you right now. Just try to remember that "this too shall pass."

For WHATEVER reason(s)-she is no longer wanting or willing to work on the marriage and you seem like you can accept that-although it may not be what you want-THAT is a VERY GOOD start for you already-knowing that you can't control what she feels she has to do for her to be happy.

Now you need to figure out how to grieve the relationship that you did not want to end-but has ended-you are suffering a "loss" and once you can get past this time of hurt- it WILL be better. Then you can begin to work on what you need for YOU to be happy.

I send you all of the hugs I have and please know I am thinking of you and wishing you peace in your heart.

[Truth05]

I went on a date yesterday with someone from an internet date site. She was really nice on the phone and a fairly nice person but there was absolutely no attraction. I knew in the first 30 secods but I played a good sport and spent the afternoon with her. I took care of lunch and drove to a place she knew in the mountains where we could walk and talk a bit. The whole time I was wishing I could have been out with my wife. The girl I was out with just didn't measure up but I played nice. My wife is such an outstanding person in most regards. She is just stubborn, selfish and impulsive. Other than that she was a great person to be around. She is brilliant and a well known author in the computer world. It's going to be hard finding another one who can measure up... but this time without her faults... I now know better what I want to look for in another woman. A college education and good job is going to be a must have. I just can't see myself in a relationship in which the other person is completely dependent on me for her happyness. I'm still hoping my wife will soften her position in a few weeks and actually want to date again. Keep praying and maybe she will Truth

[Otis]

I am so sorry you're going through this. It must be so hard. Please keep coming here for support. I am glad you've at least reached out.

I just read your last post and can't help but wonder if maybe you should give yourself some more time before dating again. It will only make things more complicated. Of course, it's your right to if that's what you want to do. You just sound like you are hurting so much, thinking of your wife while out on this date. That's not fair to yourself or your date.

It sounds like you need time to sort things out. Would you rather be back with your wife knowing how she feels now? Knowing that her companionship would be false? Even though you're lonely now, it seems like things can't go back to the way they used to be.

I will keep be keeping you in my thoughts.

[RobinB]

Originally Posted by larryt

I
What I drew strength from was my relationship with my Savior, Jesus. The book of Psalms in the Bible holds so much peace for a believer.

Larry

Great post Larry!! I wish I had had Jesus to lean on when my first marriage dissolved. He is such a comfort in bad times.

Truth, hang in there, she may turn around. And you are willing to do counseling, which many man are not. I will keep both of you in my prayers.

[EMILY49]

Maybe you should take some time for you before you try dating.
Come to grips and do something with guy friends or alone.
Get a dog........ (PS.. women love men with dogs)
Go to the gym
Join a singles group.


Good luck

[NCgrl]

You should probably wait a while longer before dating,it's not fair to the woman you "played nice"with on your date.Getting someones hopes up when there is no chance is not right.Hopefully you will be able to find someone who truly makes YOU happy.It sounded from your comments you had to swallow alot of your self to make your wife happy.That is no way to live.Good luck and clarity to you

[kimlou]

"Playing Nice" is not playing nice. There may never be anyone for you compare her to and I sure no one wants to be compared to just to see if we measure up !!!! I think you need time before you start " dating"

[tsimmons]

TRUTH-
I really do sympathize with you here-sounds like you are trying to find a "replacement part" or something LOL. I always heard that when you're NOT looking is when it happens.....
Just a quick ? for you- do you think that you have to have a woman to be happy? I am just wondering if you ever thought about maybe spending some time getting to be happy with you because that may be all you have for a while.

[larryt]

5/14 your wife moves out, 5/23 you go on a date?

[Dreamer37]

First off I apologize for this may sound harsh..
You have no business out there dating right now!!! You are very very hurt and still in love with your wife..You said yourself you hope she eventually comes back to you...I understand you are lonely and hurting and maybe trying to fill a void that no one can fill...As you said they cant measure up to her..Thats just not fair to those of us out there looking for a serious relationship with someone thats ready for that as well...Its a game and one you should not be playing!!! Take some time...Please!!!