I've been thinking about whether to post this or not, but here it goes.

[hopewell]

I had a weird experience on Mothers Day.

I was getting ready to go to my Mother's on Sunday, it was just going to be me & her 'cause Dad had to be out of town working and my sis had scheduled a visit back to our home state. Anyway, I was really excited about going down to see her. I got all dressed up, I even wore my new summer dress. My mother hasn't seen me in a summer dress in AT LEAST 15 years or more. I tend to wear jeans and t-shirts, cover up my "feminine side" all the time. Anyway, like I said, I put on my new dress did my make-up, hair, shaved my legs, etc. I couldn't wait to see her reaction to me in my dress, we were supposed to go shopping together. However I guess mom had forgotten about the shopping part and she called me just before I was about to leave and told me that she wanted me to dig some holes in her garden. I didn't let her know, but I got very upset, I mean VERY upset. I hung up the phone and immediately started sobbing. Sobbing to the point that I was wailing. I was crying so hard, Shane, my b/f, thought that my Grandmother had died. (I couldn's speak because I was so upset.) I cried and cried and cried for about 50 minutes, it was incredible! About 20 minutes in to my sobbing I told Shane what had upset me and then I said "I just want to be a girl, I just want to be a girl, no one ever lets me be a girl." I just kept sobbing and sobbing this. Finally once I was able to collect my self, I took off my dress, washed off all of my make-up and put on the regular jeans, t-shirt and tennis shoes, stopping to sob every few minutes.

I've always been proud of my strength. (I am naturally very strong for a woman.) It's always been a badge of pride for me in my family. But for some reason, when my mom asked me to dig in the garden I completely lost control. I know she'd never ask my sis to do this, she's tall, thin, very feminine and unknowingly extremely selfish.

I've always believed that my weight had a lot to do with my fear of being feminine like for some reason I'm not allowed to but I didn't realize just how deep that actually went into me until now.

I felt like I ALMOST made a discovery to my deeper issues about being fat, being feminine, being a woman but not quite. I've been thinking about it but not too much I don't want to break down again. I know I have more to say aobut this but I don't know what it is yet.

I guess I just needed to tell people about this, not sure why but I'll add more as I understand more.

Anyone who wants to share, or add insight, please feel free.

Thanks for listening.

[ebonyeyz28]

Been there, done that! I've always been bigger, stronger and more athletic than other girls/women and, like you, there came a point that I just got tired of not being counted as a "girly, girl"! But, with time and honesty comes healing. I realized, after many years of crying and being p!ssed off at the world that I had allowed myself to be the big, strong athletic girl for one reason only: acceptance. It was easier for me to be what the world thought I was than who I knew I was. Yes, I was feminie and girly and sexy and all that at 274.5 lbs. but I didn't give myself permission to feel or behave that way. But the time came when I realized that I could be everything that I wanted to be, including the feminine, sexy, will wh!p your @ss if you mess with me kinda girl and I've been ok every since.

I'm not saying that your realization will be that simple or easy. Either way, I wish you the best and I would encourage you to talk to your Mom and other family members about how you're feeling. And don't be afraid to seek the help of a professional either, some of them actually know what they're doing.

Shelby

[Skinnymocah]

Hopewell I hope your journey of discovery of YOU leads you to better understanding of the Hope that lies underneath.

I think it was an interview with Carnie Wilson after her bypass surgery, where she said that she had always used her weight as a strength, a force. She could tell people that she would sit on them if they made her mad, she could use the sheer brunt of 300+ lbs to knock someone over. The more weight she lost, the more feminine, soft, and, sort of, weaker she got. It was very uncomfortable for her, as she had always been used to using her weight to her advantage. It was then that she realized that she was going to have to let Carnie speak for Carnie, let her voice be her strength and not the sheer size of her body.

I think that the more you lose, the better you'll come to realize your true self and you'll be a completely different person when you're on the other side of your effort. Anyone who says that losing weight doesn't change your life is wrong wrong wrong. It DOESN'T solve your problems, but it DOES change your life.

Kudos to you for making this a mind changing and growing experience instead of making it be just about shedding lbs. That is proof that when the weight is gone, it will stay gone, because you won't be the same person you were anymore!

[Lucky4]

I feel the same--was always a tom boy and strongly built--even though I had great curves. But no one took me as being the 'femine' type. At the pool, all my friends would be suntanning and brushing their hair. How boring! I couldn't stand it. I'd be with the boys placing water tag and loved every second of it. Ironically, I was always more tanned than my friends
Even now, DH says I'm not that feminine--whatever that means. If I were you, I would have kept on the dress, makeup, etc and pulled your SO for a day on the town. I would have told my mom, "Oh, gee, I"m all dressed up ready to go." Maybe she doesn't realize that you want to be that way. But, don't wory about the anguish--crying is good for you and releases a lot of stress. That's why women have fewer heart attacks than men--we let it out. One strategy I'm going to do this summer (after getting back home) is to dress up around the house--not just for people but for me too. One day my kids ask me why I never wore beautiful dresses or makeup anymore--kind of shocked me that they would notice (7 and 10 years). I guess now, I know why my DH keeps buying me gorgeous clothes--nothing like a hint to say--okay, we'd like to see something else rather than bags all day
You'll be fine--why don't you invite your parents out for dinner one night and really show them who you are--and BTW, don't be afraid of your strength and your ability to be a little of everything.

[kraukalee]

It can be so hard to break out of a mold, especially if other people don't see that other side of you. You can be strong AND feminine, if you let yourself. It may take time for your family to realize it, because you've only let them see the strong side of you. Then again, they may have seen it all along, and wondered why you didn't show it!

[lmt_24fan]

Hopewell, I'm sorry for your disappointment on Mother's Day!

I agree with much of what the others have posted. I bet your mom thinks of you as someone who is not selfish that she can count on to help her with things she needs to get done. I'm not sure it is a slight that she would not ask your sister to do this but feels comfortable asking you to....

I think others don't realize the extent of the changes we feel internally, and its hard for them to suddenly switch long standing images of us. So we have to be patient with them and help them... If this happens again, pack some jeans, a t-shirt and some sneaks in a bag and go on over all dolled-up and enjoy the big surprise! After a fun and fancy lunch -- go change and dig some holes!

Lynn

[just4peas]

Hugs!

Boy can I relate. I never was a girlie girl either. Now....

Well I got professionally fitted for a new bra yesterday and I even started buying some jewelry. It's like moving to a new town and having to learn where everything is, and how to deal with the people there lol. Learning to 'be' in this body is interesting everyday.

The coolest thing is that you can still be both, I myself am working in my garden today, but tomorrow I'll be girlie for work.

Hang in there!

[CarolynF]

Hi..

My heart goes out to you...To be fair to your Mom...she probably was used to you
doing physical things...for her..and she really needed them done..So..if you haven't
brought out your feminine side for 15 years..it's time it came out!!!

That doesn't mean you still can't do physical things for your Mom..we all do those
things..because our Moms are older and weaker, and it doesn't mean you can't look
totally feminine in some nice clothes doing it..It's not an all or nothing thing...

But, invite your Mom to lunch and dress up..She will be shocked and rejoice in the
newer more feminine side of you..

She never asks your sister to do physical things because she's too weak..(which is
NOT a good thing)..

Women are many things..we should all strive to be strong yet feminine..

Bless you..Carolyn

[evrrdy]

I wish I know how to make this not hurt you anymore.. While I've pretty much always been on the smaller side and always the smallest in the family, I've always also had this same problem. It had nothing really to do with my size.. it was my mentality and the way I presented myself. Even the guys I've met throughout my life, never realized I was a girl, until I started dating someone else.. then they acted like.. "holy cow, Lisa's a chick and she LIKES to work on trucks, mudsling, hunt and fish"... lol...

It's taken me years to get my mom to realize that I actually 'LIKE TO SHOP" and want to go to the mall with her and pick out frilly things. My daugher is the same way as I was/am.. and I try really hard not to make the same mistakes. There is nothing wrong with liking frogs and picking them up,, and it does not define you as not feminine.. My daughter and I go on regular shopping trips,, mommy/daughter days,, on a regular basis, just to ensure that she knows.. that I know.. she's a girl.

I'd tell my mom how I felt.. now, that mom's day is over,, maybe you could sit down with her and calmly talk about it and tell her what happened and what it did to you when she called? I've found that being totally honest about my feelings, especially to my mom,, helps resolve things. She'll never change the way she thinks about you,,, if you don't let her know who you really are.

Good luck.. hope you feel better soon.
Lisa

[gettingstrength]

[hopewell]

Thanks all!! Just so everyone knows I don't blame my mother at all. We ended up having a great day together. I took her out to lunch and then we came home and did the garden thing. It was really nice because we could talk about anything. I was just so surprised at my reaction, still am. I'm not upset anymore and haven't been since Sunday evening but I am still confused. I know there's something there to deal w/ and I will, slowly. I was just so shocked at my reaction!! Anyway, thanks again to everyone. I'll take all of your advice to heart and really think about it on my walks.

[werkn'it]

Isn't it strange the things that can set us off sometimes? Good luck sorting all of your feelings out. Since you said you can talk to your Mom about anything, maybe at some point you can "use" her to help you through this "journey."

BTW, you look plenty "girly" in the picture.

Feel better soon....

[hopewell]

Originally Posted by werkn'it

BTW, you look plenty "girly" in the picture.

Gee thanks!!

[Bubbles]

We all need to cry sometimes. I have ruined more makeup that way!
You are so pretty Hopewell. I think you DO look very feminine. Why don't you treat yourself to something pretty and make Shane take you somewhere special? You deserve it!

[USMCmom]

Originally Posted by Bubbles

We all need to cry sometimes. I have ruined more makeup that way!
You are so pretty Hopewell. I think you DO look very feminine. Why don't you treat yourself to something pretty and make Shane take you somewhere special? You deserve it!

I was going to say the same thing as Bubbles. Don't you feel so much better after that good cry?

[Windchimes]

I think you look feminine as well.

For a long time I didn't allow myself to feel feminine and girly. I was never considered by other people as a tough girl, or a tomboy, but I was not considered a "girly girl" either. I felt I had to build up this wall of "strength", and that allowing myself to feel feminine would make me a weak person. I can't tell you exactly what changed, but after awhile...when I gained real strength, and some confidence in myself, my girly side came out in a big way! I'm a very girly girl now, and I love it. I don't feel weak, like I thought I would. I feel like me...like Erin. I'm not saying you need to gain strength or confidence...this was just my experience. I hope it doesn't come across the wrong way....I just wanted to share my story.

for you.

(My BF's name is Shane, too!)