Emotional issues and "stall"

[Houston Heather]

Hi Gang! I want your help. I have some issues that I know are stalling me. Last year when I got down to 154, I literally freaked out - not in a good way. I started eating bad things until I went up to the mid 160's, where I have stayed for the better part of 2 years now. I know sometimes "Issues" can slow down weight loss but I don't know how to break out of this. I am tired of being this weight, but some things are holding me back.

Before anyone suggests it, my husband and I are getting counseling. We go 2 times a month. OK.

Mom drank and attempted suicide at least once while I was in the oven. I have permanent brain damage as a result. For instance, the only way I can watch the news is with the closed captioning on. Even though my hearing is fine.

Bad bad family situation... constantly being verbally abused, some physical. "You're fat" being common, even at 120 pounds and 5 foot 7.

Moved out and met a guy who seemed like Mr. Right. Even though he didn't want to get married. Even though he said all the problems we had were MY fault. It was my fault he drank too much, cheated, etc.

Fast forward several years. I am now WORKING for Mr.-I'm-not-ready-for-marriage. He has cheated on me a few times by now. It is very difficult and demanding as he is self-employed. He cheats on me again. Denies it though (more later).

A couple years ago. Mr. Wrong gets hit by a pickup truck while walking to work. He dies at the scene of the accident in the literal and figurative sense. He is in a coma for 2 weeks. Because I do love the good man hiding in there with the bad, I sing "Stand by your man" while I am laid off, come within 2 days of homelessness, etc. God supplied ALL my needs, because I was smart enough to know only He could help.

While Ron was in the hospital, my grandmother died. He comes home, I take care of him by myself (24/7). Ron has had a bad head injury and is very confused. Thank God he can't walk yet. He gets a blood clot and goes back into the hospital.

While Ron is in the hospital, I find out my mother died. She had a heart attack. I am at this point tired of being a 22W, getting eye-rolling when I tell medical professionals I can take care of him, etc. I find out "Mom" weighed HALF what I did when she died, so I went low-carb.

Come home. Ron confesses 2 more affairs (but not the employee). I didn't cheat on L/C because even though I was furious and hurting, I still had to take care of him (it was me or a nursing home and I don't hate anyone that much). It took me months to forgive him. Prayed lots, asked God to lead me.

Eventually got married, because he admitted he treated me badly, promised it was all in the past. My 2 cats died about now (accident, and cancer). I thought he really was a new man who would treat me with respect. Stalled on the weight loss. Not in a rush to go back to induction, cut out the diet sodas, or start working out again (which I know will get me very close to goal).

Late last year he got drunk and threw the employee affair in my face. Things were very very bad for a long time. For a new guy, he acted an awful lot like the old one. Only now are we getting to the point where the idea of spending the rest of my life with him is tolerable. He has never been ugly about my weight. He really didn't care how fat I got.

But the idea of getting to goal just freaks me out. Part of it is the fact that a lot of guys at work started slobbering after me when I did get down to 150's. I found it very disgusting that some guys I viewed as "buddies" turned out to be hormonal pigs. I was dressing the same as I always had - modestly. I like everyone, but trust men more as a rule.

Anyway, what is slowing me down? Bad self esteem or anger or what? I would love opinions. Like I said, we are in counseling but we mainly work on communication issues.

[Pamalee63]

Heather

I'm sorry for everything that has happened and for the way your husband has been.

I think sometimes we get focused on losing weight and think it will be a miracle cure for everything. Maybe as you got closer to goal, you realized losing the weight wasn't going to fix everything.

I would keep up the marriage counseling and make sure you are getting some counseling by yourself, also.

I have had a roller coaster ride of a marriage, and yes, it is so easy for everyone to say, "just leave him," but it is so much more complicated than that!

Pam

[Houston Heather]

I think you're right. I've been praying a lot and feel like God's telling me, "He's going to leave you. When he does, let him go."

I know that's got to be it because the more hateful he gets, the "better" I am about low-carb and exercise.

[BAMA-GAL-60]

My prayers with you. I know God is with you though all of this so never give up on your hope for happiness.
When things get to tough for you to cope with, just talk to God and he will be there to help you.

[walkthebeach]

Well, about your weight stall.... do you want to be 160 or do you want to be skinnier? I think you're doing well coping with your marriage; you've got a lot more endurance than I would. You're going to have to come to terms with the added attention when you're thinner. Are you ready for it, or do you want to wait some more? It almost reminds me of what you said about not being able to listen to the news and the unwanted male attention; I see some connection there. I'm the same way about the news, though, I hate to hear it, but I don't mind reading it. It's like too much bad info bombarding you. The male attention might be too much stimulus for you. I learned to cope with it after I lost my weight; it was a sharp learning curve, though, I will admit. But can be done, and it's fun when you learn to accept the attention but thwart the advances. HTH, Beachie

[lalabella]

I know that stall.. I know that fear of all the advances. I had no boundaries and was afraid I'd go with just about anyone who wanted me. I was engaged to be married, and unsure about whether he was the "one" and I got down to 160 and was looking great and feeling great, but realized that there were tons of other men out there that were interested... I got scared that I was going to want to leave my fiance, once I went out in the world in my thin body... I married him and gained the weight back, still afraid that I would want to leave if my new body brought someone better around to want me... well soon enough, after finding the marriage wasn't the best thing for me, I gained enough to try to keep my husband away, I was angry and frustrated with him... We divorced 7 years later and I still struggle with weight. Learning to have boundaries and not be afraid of the advances... I have always been so vulnerable and wanting love, that when i was getting the attention it was too much! I don't know if any of this is helpful... My own counseling has got me learning to say NO and to stick up for myself.

Maybe losing the last bit of weight will help set you free from this man? I know that is a scary thought... but you are obviously a very strong person!!! You know you will do well and succeed... You will find what is right for you, with or without this man and his hurtful ways...

Most of all think about what is right for YOU. It is ok to be selfish and say NO! I wish you all the best. You are an amazing woman.
Bella

[RobinB]

Hi Heather!!

(it's Robin B from RR)

[Houston Heather]

Wow, everytime I think our marriage is in the toilet, he surprises me.

Things have been going a lot better for the last couple months. I think the last affair was the hardest to deal with. I mean, when someone confesses it, it's like it just happened. But I don't want to be a bitter person and I believe he'd rather lose a limb than hurt me again.

Enough on that. I am getting ready to re-induct and cut out the caffeine. Why? I got a look at myself from the waist down at the mall. ICK! I haven't gained, but maintaining at 160-something is getting OLD.

Pray for me!

[RobinB]

Originally Posted by Houston Heather

Enough on that. I am getting ready to re-induct and cut out the caffeine. Why? I got a look at myself from the waist down at the mall. ICK! I haven't gained, but maintaining at 160-something is getting OLD.

Pray for me!

You got it! Emotional issues are tough--they stall my diet, they stall my writing, even stall house cleaning.

[MaryMary]

I went through 3 very lengthy stalls during the last 4 years. Once I looked at them from a positive point of view, I didn't dread them. From a positive perspective, a stall for me was rejoicing that I was learning how to maintain my body weight without gaining. I had never been able to do that. So in spite of the fact that you have been around 160 for two years, rejoice, you have remained at 160 and not gone up, so you must be doing something right. When you are ready to let go of more pounds, you will. Until then, embrace your weight and yourself. You are worth it!