I need help....

Purple Sage · 05-02-2005, 03:37 PM

http://www.chieftain.com/metro/1115070441/4

This article is about my husband's uncle. My kids are 5 and 7 and are very close to thier cousins, this mans grandchildren. He was a wonderful person who had severe diabetes and when his blood sugar would get too low he would kind of "sleep walk". He was in one of these states when he was shot. Anyway, the funeral is thursday and we have to find a way to tell our children what happened because we want them to hear it from us not someone else. Leaving them with someone while we attend the funeral is really not an option as we believe that children are important at funerals and it is also a ways from our home and going to be an all day if not overnight situation.

My delima is I have to explain this to my children without making them feel that cops are bad or mean and that they can hurt you and I also want them to feel that anytime they are scared they can trust police.

Please don't tell me to just leave my children home from the funeral because that is not an option. Also, please don't tell me that I don't need to tell them what happened because we have already thought about that and we know that they will hear if from someone if we don't tell them. Also it is all over the news here and they will hear about it somewhere.

Thanks to anyone who can give me some input.

Lori · 05-02-2005, 06:50 PM

First of all, my condolences. That's an awful thing for a family to go through.

Telling the kids should probably depend on how much they already know and how much they can handle right now emotionally.

They are very little kids so I wouldn't lay the whole story on them. They are bound to have some idea of what is going on - even if just emotionally - because of what they see from the rest of the family. I've always found the best approach is simply to listen to them. Kids can tell you a lot that way. I'd say to gear it by that.

You might want to ask them what they know about the situation and let them tell you. Then you can ask if they have any questions and take it from there.

The complicating problem might be if the story was in the newspaper....then you might want to gently tell them a few details but to frame it so that they realize he wasn't being a bad man and that the police made a mistake. Keeping it simple is best too - at their level, and don't tell them more than they ask to know. Even that might be hard for the little one to understand.

Probably the message that is most important of all is to convey to them that they will be safe and so will you.

I won't tell you to leave them home...but I will tell you that some kids aren't mature enough emotionally to attend a funeral until they are in their teens. An option if it upsets them would be to have them go to the wake but sit in the other room with one of the parents...or play outside.

kraukalee · 05-02-2005, 08:12 PM

Christa,
My heart goes out to you! What a tragic way to lose a family member!

I understand your desire to have your children attend the funeral. Death is hard enough for children to understand, but sudden death, where there was no chance for final goodbyes, can be even more difficult, and the funeral can help with their understanding and "closure" (although I've always hated that word.)

As far as explaining what happened to them, I'd keep it simple, so that you don't tarnish his reputation or the police's either. Did they know he was diabetic? Maybe you could tell them that when someone has diabetes really really bad (I'd emphasize that, so they don't think just every diabetic is that severe,) they can do things without meaning to, things they would never normally do, and he had a gun, and we know he would normally never hurt anyone, but he was so sick that he couldn't control what he was doing. So, the police had to come to try to keep everyone safe, but because he couldn't control what he was going, the only way they could keep everyone safe was to try to get the gun from him, and when they did that, he got hurt, and he passed away. I know from that they'd probably ask a few details, but I'd only offer what they asked.

I don't know; it sounded logical in my head but now I just want to hug you!

I feel so bad for you! I wish you the best, and my prayers are with you!

Purple Sage · 05-02-2005, 11:58 PM

Thanks for the input so far. One thing I didn't add is that my children have been to many funerals already in their lives. My grandfather passed away, my husbands aunts have passed away (2) and some of our church friends have passed away. They know what funerals are but they have only been to funerals for old people who had been sick. We have never treated funerals like scarry or upsetting things, just that people die and then they go to be with God and the funeral is a last way to say good-bye and a way for us to help the other people that loved them feel better.

We are now leaning towards just requesting that noone talk about what actually happened at the funeral and just letting them ask questions as they want to know. I have always believed in answering my kid's questions but I don't want to confuse them with to many details. Our biggest concern is that my SIL told my niece that bad police men killed their uncle. But I guess if their cousin tells them that we will just answer their questions on the way home.

The whole thing is so horrible to have to deal with at all. It is just making me sick...I have heard of bad things happening, read it in the news etc but you never expect it to be someone that you know and care about, especially a family member. Thanks for the support.

dizneegirl · 05-03-2005, 09:23 AM

I think this is one of those cases where, when it's time, you have to explain the concept of an accident... neither the uncle, nor the police were trying to hurt anyone. However, the police have a job to do, and part of that job is keeping people safe, including themselves. If he was just holding a gun, I don't think the officer would have taken a shot - I'm sure it was pointed at him. I'm sure he didn't shoot to kill, either... but sometimes that happens.

When we were young, my mom would give us the basics, and let the details wait until we asked specific questions. That way we weren't overwhelmed, and didn't know more than we wanted, or could handle. I don't think that's bad for children.

I also know about diabetes and tragedy... a family member had terrible diabetes, didn't take care of himself well, and had already lost a foot. He decided he couldn't take it anymore and shot himself in the bathroom. I don't think my brothers know to this day that it was a suicide (they were young at the time).

Blessings to you and your family.

05-02-2005, 03:37 PM	#1
Purple Sage Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Colorado Springs, CO Posts: 6,609 Gallery: Purple Sage Stats: 256/148/150 exercising now: 6-08, 159 WOE: Random, watcing calories and exercise Start Date: January 1, 2005	I need help.... http://www.chieftain.com/metro/1115070441/4 This article is about my husband's uncle. My kids are 5 and 7 and are very close to thier cousins, this mans grandchildren. He was a wonderful person who had severe diabetes and when his blood sugar would get too low he would kind of "sleep walk". He was in one of these states when he was shot. Anyway, the funeral is thursday and we have to find a way to tell our children what happened because we want them to hear it from us not someone else. Leaving them with someone while we attend the funeral is really not an option as we believe that children are important at funerals and it is also a ways from our home and going to be an all day if not overnight situation. My delima is I have to explain this to my children without making them feel that cops are bad or mean and that they can hurt you and I also want them to feel that anytime they are scared they can trust police. Please don't tell me to just leave my children home from the funeral because that is not an option. Also, please don't tell me that I don't need to tell them what happened because we have already thought about that and we know that they will hear if from someone if we don't tell them. Also it is all over the news here and they will hear about it somewhere. Thanks to anyone who can give me some input. __________________ Christa insert creative signature here

05-02-2005, 06:50 PM	#2
Lori Eachday Join Date: May 2003 Location: New York Posts: 14,636 Gallery: Lori Stats: 20lbs goal/16lbs down/ 4 to go WOE: High Stress Diet	First of all, my condolences. That's an awful thing for a family to go through. Telling the kids should probably depend on how much they already know and how much they can handle right now emotionally. They are very little kids so I wouldn't lay the whole story on them. They are bound to have some idea of what is going on - even if just emotionally - because of what they see from the rest of the family. I've always found the best approach is simply to listen to them. Kids can tell you a lot that way. I'd say to gear it by that. You might want to ask them what they know about the situation and let them tell you. Then you can ask if they have any questions and take it from there. The complicating problem might be if the story was in the newspaper....then you might want to gently tell them a few details but to frame it so that they realize he wasn't being a bad man and that the police made a mistake. Keeping it simple is best too - at their level, and don't tell them more than they ask to know. Even that might be hard for the little one to understand. Probably the message that is most important of all is to convey to them that they will be safe and so will you. I won't tell you to leave them home...but I will tell you that some kids aren't mature enough emotionally to attend a funeral until they are in their teens. An option if it upsets them would be to have them go to the wake but sit in the other room with one of the parents...or play outside. Last edited by Lori : 05-02-2005 at 07:15 PM.

05-02-2005, 08:12 PM	#3
kraukalee Senior LCF Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Just turn around >:) Posts: 669 Gallery: kraukalee Stats: 255/170/??? 26/12/?? WOE: no white sugar, flour or starch Start Date: april 2005	Christa, My heart goes out to you! What a tragic way to lose a family member! I understand your desire to have your children attend the funeral. Death is hard enough for children to understand, but sudden death, where there was no chance for final goodbyes, can be even more difficult, and the funeral can help with their understanding and "closure" (although I've always hated that word.) As far as explaining what happened to them, I'd keep it simple, so that you don't tarnish his reputation or the police's either. Did they know he was diabetic? Maybe you could tell them that when someone has diabetes really really bad (I'd emphasize that, so they don't think just every diabetic is that severe,) they can do things without meaning to, things they would never normally do, and he had a gun, and we know he would normally never hurt anyone, but he was so sick that he couldn't control what he was doing. So, the police had to come to try to keep everyone safe, but because he couldn't control what he was going, the only way they could keep everyone safe was to try to get the gun from him, and when they did that, he got hurt, and he passed away. I know from that they'd probably ask a few details, but I'd only offer what they asked. I don't know; it sounded logical in my head but now I just want to hug you! I feel so bad for you! I wish you the best, and my prayers are with you! __________________ -Kraukalee My MySpace "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." "You don't drown by falling into the water; you drown by staying there."

05-03-2005, 09:23 AM	#5
dizneegirl MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Ohio Posts: 2,884 Gallery: dizneegirl	I think this is one of those cases where, when it's time, you have to explain the concept of an accident... neither the uncle, nor the police were trying to hurt anyone. However, the police have a job to do, and part of that job is keeping people safe, including themselves. If he was just holding a gun, I don't think the officer would have taken a shot - I'm sure it was pointed at him. I'm sure he didn't shoot to kill, either... but sometimes that happens. When we were young, my mom would give us the basics, and let the details wait until we asked specific questions. That way we weren't overwhelmed, and didn't know more than we wanted, or could handle. I don't think that's bad for children. I also know about diabetes and tragedy... a family member had terrible diabetes, didn't take care of himself well, and had already lost a foot. He decided he couldn't take it anymore and shot himself in the bathroom. I don't think my brothers know to this day that it was a suicide (they were young at the time). Blessings to you and your family. __________________ "The whole idea the diet doesn't work when you go off of it? That's the whole point. Why would you go off of it? Here is a diet that's fun to eat..." Dr. Robert Atkins, CNN's Crossfire, 1999

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05-02-2005, 11:58 PM	#4
Purple Sage Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Colorado Springs, CO Posts: 6,609 Gallery: Purple Sage Stats: 256/148/150 exercising now: 6-08, 159 WOE: Random, watcing calories and exercise Start Date: January 1, 2005	Thanks for the input so far. One thing I didn't add is that my children have been to many funerals already in their lives. My grandfather passed away, my husbands aunts have passed away (2) and some of our church friends have passed away. They know what funerals are but they have only been to funerals for old people who had been sick. We have never treated funerals like scarry or upsetting things, just that people die and then they go to be with God and the funeral is a last way to say good-bye and a way for us to help the other people that loved them feel better. We are now leaning towards just requesting that noone talk about what actually happened at the funeral and just letting them ask questions as they want to know. I have always believed in answering my kid's questions but I don't want to confuse them with to many details. Our biggest concern is that my SIL told my niece that bad police men killed their uncle. But I guess if their cousin tells them that we will just answer their questions on the way home. The whole thing is so horrible to have to deal with at all. It is just making me sick...I have heard of bad things happening, read it in the news etc but you never expect it to be someone that you know and care about, especially a family member. Thanks for the support.