So horribly confused....

[Snapdragon]

Okay, I've been lurking around here for a while now, and I have an issue that I could really use some feedback on. I'm so mixed up that I don't know which end is up anymore.

Here's the story: (sorry if it gets a bit long winded)
When I was much younger, there was this boy that I was head over heals for. I swore it was love at first sight, you know? Well, he had girlfriends and such, and eventually I found a boyfriend of my own. I was friends with "the guy" all throughout junior high, high school, college, and beyond. We never dated, but I always felt this attachment to him. He joined the military, and moved away, but we always kept in touch via email or phone. I married, had a child, and had a good life. My husband began cheating on me (I walked in on him and one of his 'friends'), and shortly after, we filed for divorce, as he refused to get counseling, and refused to stop seeing is 'friends'.
Shortly after my divorce became final, I got a call from my old friend, who was going to be in the country for a few days. He asked if we could get together to catch up on the past couple of years since we'd seen each other. I agreed, and we spent a wonderful few days together. It was really nice being able to talk to someone who had known me for as long as he did, and he helped me put my divorce in perspective. He was a really great shoulder to lean on, and I appreciate that. At the same time, I realized that the feelings I had for him were still there. I didn't say anything, but it made the remainder of his visit a bit more strained on my end. It was further complicated by the fact that we ended up having sex. Afterwards, he was distant, I was hurt, and we went our seperate ways.
Just to note that I've only ever been with two men in my life. THe first was my husband, and then this guy, who I'd cared deeply for for years.
Fast forward a bit. As it turns out, I became pregnant. After a debate over whether or not to tell him about it, I did. He was shocked at first, which I expected, and then he asked me how we should work through this. He also told me that he knew that I loved him, but the feelings were not reciprocated.

Ever since, we go back and forth between being friends, being enemies, and being neutral. I've asked him how involved he wants to be, and I never get a straight answer from him. I've asked him if he would like to pursue an adoption, and he says its my choice. At the same time, he talks about the kids as though he's going to be there for them for years to come.

I hate fighting with him, and I hate second guessing everything that he says to me. My gut is telling him to consider him a non factor and proceed with life. My heart is horribly in love and can't see straight. My head is telling me my gut and my heart are stupid.

Anyone have any thoughts to offer? I could really use it.

Thanks much.

[Lori]

According to your siggy, you are pregnant with triplets? Wow, congrats. That's incredibly unusual without fertility drugs. And you already have another child? That's a lot to handle alone.

Do you have family that will help? The main thing is, you are going to need a lot of support, plus financial support.

I'm not sure what to say advise-wise because trying to force him to help out may alienate him and push him away....but on the other hand you can really use some help.

Can you get him to consider helping out financially - informally (without going to court)? Maybe that agreement would work and allow him to get closer to you without feeling like he has to get married (if he's scared of such a big commitment right now).

I'd also consider talking with both a lawyer - about your legal options - and the county - about the social services options open to you. Not to do anything about it now, but to be more knowledgeable and prepared about the ways you can go with this and the assistance you can get. Depending on how you feel about the agency, Planned Parenthood would probably be able to give advice regarding services in your area. They are often a wealth of information.

I will be interested to see what others say here.

[senorina]

Wow, what a tough situation.

First of all, I think you need to see a counsillor, I think its a good idea to have someone recommend a good one that they've have success with. There may be something going on with you, where you were "rejected" by your husband, and now you're being "rejected" by this man, and it seems like you're trying to fix this guy's feelings toward you.

One thing is, you HAVE to stop second guessing where he is coming from, often guys don't come right out withthe fact that they don't want to be with you, because they don't want to hurt your feelings, don't want to deal with the questions and tears, etc. From this end it definately seems like he doesn't want to be with you.

So, you have to make a decision on what you are going to do about your children with the assumption that he will not be a couple with you.

Find out how much he is able (and hopefully willing) to contribute financially, and Lori is right that you will need a lawyer to write up an arrangement - if you can't afford one most places have free legal services available.

He is right by the way, that it is YOUR decision to seek out adoption as an alternative.

How will you decide that? Well, there are financial components and emotional components involved. Do you have family around? Are you willing to take on this challenge alone? Do you want to keep and raise these babies?

and also...

[reitzell]

Head VS. heart which to listen to? I don't know. In the end the situation will resolve to whatever it is and you pay the price a price for either path. I wish the best for you either way.

The path that includes him based on you note seems difficult because he doesn't sound clear. He doesn't sound committed. He doesn't sound like he's pursuing you. This path leaves you trying to be in relationship with him and he is one foot in and one foot out. I personally wouldn't take a partner who was in and out of the relationship. Now even good relationships partners go days where they don't want to be in relationship with the other person but there has to be times where there is a strong desire to be there in order for it to even have a chance to work. Otherwise you set out on the path of being in relationship with this man get a couple of miles down the road, hit a bump and he's gone.( See what I'm saying here? I'm not sure I've conveyed that clearly.)

The other path leaves you alone during a time when you could use a partner. This is a tough path but because the position of "partner" isn't occupied there is hope. Hope that you will find a man that will love you. A committed partner who wants to be there.

On another level... You know after you've pushed and pulled and manipulated all that you can and somehow it still isn't going anywhere it feels really good to just let go. Not like your kicking this man out of your life or anything but just stopping the struggle against what is. Just surrender to it and let go. If he moves on without your struggle then so be it. Something else will be coming and letting go will make room for what is coming.

Sorry to ramble. I know your in a tough spot. I wish you well,

Rob

[Jill1109]

First of all..that's amazing that your pregnate with triplets...I was going to ask if you were taking fertility drugs but why would you be if you weren't trying to get pregnate?Anyway, If I were you I wouldn't be wasting my time "second guessing him", you are about to have 3 babies.....you are not going to have time for his BS games.....besides you really aren't second guessing him are you?......He told you that he knows you love him but he told you the feeling was not mutual.....you have to except that (as much as it might hurt) and give him credit for being honest.

You asked him about pursuing adoption....are you talking about adopting the babies out to someone else....or him adopting the babies since he's the father? Is adoption an option for you?

One thing that you are not going to be able to get around is the fact that he is going to have to help you financially. He might not be there for you emotionally but he did participate in the making of these 3 babies.....so he is responsible for them financially.

Jill

[reitzell]

Originally Posted by Jill1109

One thing that you are not going to be able to get around is the fact that he is going to have to help you financially. He might not be there for you emotionally but he did participate in the making of these 3 babies.....so he is responsible for them financially.

Jill

Good point.

[monkeyjill]

Originally Posted by reitzell

On another level... You know after you've pushed and pulled and manipulated all that you can and somehow it still isn't going anywhere it feels really good to just let go. Not like your kicking this man out of your life or anything but just stopping the struggle against what is. Just surrender to it and let go. If he moves on without your struggle then so be it. Something else will be coming and letting go will make room for what is coming.

I think this is great advice and it reminds me of the best advice I was ever given in a similar situation (except that I wasn't pregnant). The advice was to ask myself if I was getting what I needed out of the relationship - and if the answer was no, then I needed to just tell the guy exactly that and end it. I was all ready to tell him off and try to find some way to make him feel guilty and want to be with me, but that would have been pointless. Instead I just told him "this isn't working for me", short and sweet, and ended it. If he had really wanted to be with me, that would have been his opportunity to say so. It did feel really good to let go and I moved on with my life with no regrets.

I realize being pregnant complicates the situation immensely, and only you can know if he's going to be a good partner to you and/or a good father to your kids. But if you take stock of the situation and decide it's not going to work, it would be best to be very mature about it, make a clean break, and decide together how you're going to handle child support / visitation.

Hoping for the best for you and your kids

[BigRed]

Starfire:
I usually tell people to stay in the marriage... but you are not married in this case (however, I would guess that there was some kind of committment between the two of you? Just not filed at the courthouse.)... but I will try to offer some thoughts that you might find helpful.

(1) I see that not only are you pregnant with twins but also have a two year old. Have you checked the phone book for the GOVERNMENT PROGRAM called Women's, Infants and Children It's not welfare, but it does give some food (Cereal, cheese, eggs and fruit juice)... 28 years ago, when it was started, 1st Lieutenant's qualified for it! But I don't know what recent BUDGET CUTS may have done to the program.

(2) Do you have the skills to find a job that will pay enough to support you and your two children? Stop by your local community college and talk with a guidance counselor there as well as financial aid. You can apply online and it's based on last year's income, however there are exceptions when you lifestyle has made a drastic and recent change. Also, there are other scholarships and grants for single parents. A larger University may even have oncampus apartments and babysitting available.

(3) Do you have a support group around you? If you are not currently a member of a group, consider a church, if you are not religious, consider the Unitarian Universalist as they are open to every religion, including buddhists and pagans.

(4) And finally, if possible, find a therapist to talk with about the stress and pressure that you are under. Both from the past, and as you look forward to being a single parent of 4 children!

[JRo]

Starfire - as tough as it may be, it sounds like he's made his decision and that he is not in love with you. I think you'll find it a lot easier to raise the kids in a civil and pleasant friendship than in bitterness and back-and-forth drama. I think it's best for everyone involved that you try not to pursue him, accept his decision, and move forward and work on being the best mother you can and work out child support and custody arrangements with him. It sounds liek you guys could manage to be friends and be good for the kids. It's going to be a tough road, but better that than trying to force him into something he doesn't want.
The choice about adoption is yours to make, as he doesn't seem to care. If you want to keep the children, you absolutely should and he should be prepared to accept the responsibilities.

[Orphalie]

My suggestion would be to give him some time, and do what you need to do. Some times men can get very crazy during stressful times and he may not even know what hes feeling right now. By no means am I saying hang around waiting for him to make up his mind........do whats best for you and the kids and let the situation sink in for him.

If hes in the military still then your kids qualify for all kinds of benefits, please use them.

[gettingstrength]

congrata

[Snapdragon]

Hey all,

Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. The weekend brought about some discussion, and he's given unconditional financial support, which is helpful. He maintains that, should I decide to keep the children, he wants to be as active a part of their lives as he can, considering his military assignments.

We've settled on having a friendship, and according to him, "we'll go from there".

I feel a little bit better about the whole thing, but at the same time, its terribly overwhelming. I'm sure it'll work out, but I've got a bit of thinking to do.

One step at a time, and all that.

[Lori]

Starfire,

I'm so happy to hear that. He sounds like a decent, caring person who will be a dear friend and good father.

[Bubbles]

See a good lawyer. As a government employee his children should be well taken care of and you need to protect yourself and these kids. Too many men do not step up to the plate. You are going to be a single parent of 4? How are you supporting them, are you willing to hope that money will show up regulalrly? You are 5 months pregnant and you do not know yet if adoption is an option or if he will be more than a friend?
Not to be harsh but your story borders on unbelievable.

[Jennyl]

I am not much help with your pregnancy...I really don't know what I would do in that situation.

I have been in love with someone who did not feel the same way about me...not to the same degree anyway. I really thought I wanted to spend my life with him and that he was "the one." He didn't feel the same way. I knew I would have to let go and move on with my life. I realized that no matter how much I loved this man...it just wasn't a true love that was meant to be. True love is reciprocal.

[Snapdragon]

Bubbles- as far as the adoption goes, I was referring to having them adopted out to another couple entirely. I've decided not to go that route. I want these babies, so I'm keeping them. I know that I'll not be able to support them on my own yet; I've still got a couple more semesters of school to go before I'm done with my masters. I'll be checking into a lawyer shortly.

Jennyl- Thanks for the support. I've loved him for as long as I can remember. I know that you cannot make someone love you, and I'm not using the babies as leverage. Still, having them will mean something very special to me. Its not a part of my life that I'll soon forget.

[BigRed]

Starfire, sounds like you have it together and have a well thought out plan! Excellent! and I noticed you are working towards your MASTERS degree! Also, ahead of the game! I am sure that you will do well. You would not have been given so much responsibilty in this life if you were not ready and capable of handling it! How very exciting for you! I am so glad I was not given this responsibilty! I had 2 children that overwelmed me! (I want a do over!! I am sure to do better the next time I am mother to 2!) Keep us updated to how everything is going!

[JRo]

starfire - you might find that once you start to move forward with your life, including being a great mother to these children, he might be interested in you. Don't bank on it, but it could always happen. The best thing to do is move on.

[Snapdragon]

Thanks everyone, for your help and support. I'll let you know how it works out