tempted, guilty, depressed etc.....

[sam98632]

opening myself up a can of worms here, but can't really share w/ any real life people...I'll try not to ramble too much...

My husband is a great guy, good father, we share the same sense of humor, get along really well for the most part...we have issues, but nothing too much out of the ordinary...

When we first got married i was very overweight, and our sex life was infrequent, then non-existant...i counted once and we made love 3 times in a year...also, not sure how to say this without it being too much info, or getting too graphic, (hope its not deleted) he is very limited in what he enjoys or how he will participate in love making....im meat and potatos, not real kinky or anything, lol, but he is selfish and doesnt like to kiss or touch alot, will only be in one position, wont ever make any advances, wont touch me anywhere...i always feel like im "servicing" him...

Since i've lost weight and gotten the boob job (which was VERY important to him) he is interested alot more often, but i still have to initiate, and he still wont participate, just lays there...

My apperance is very important to him..he likes me to get my hair and nails done, dress sexy, wear make up and heels, etc, but he wont take me out much (we have three kids, so i can't blame him too much there) but where am i suppose to dress like this at? Doing dishes at home in heels?

Also, although my looks are important to him, he doesnt seem to care AT ALL how he comes across...i am not picky, he doesnt have to be a young stud, a few xtra pounds dont turn me off, but he has problems with basic hygiene!!

He has bad bad teeth that havent been cleaned in years, and he rarely brushes...he has chronic bad (TERRIBLE) breath that is bad even right after he brushes...

He has IBS but wont shower or bath daily, doesnt wipe carefully, and doesnt seem to mind walking around with poopy underwear!!

He will go WITHOUT underwear if he has no clean laundry, or wear DIRTY ones!

He doesnt smell very good

He doesnt care if his clothes are clean or dirty, or if they are wrinkled or have holes in them...he doesnt care if he's shaved or not...wheres his baseball hat everywhere, even if we are going somewhere like out to dinner, or to a family get together..

As im reading this it sounds awful...he is NOT depressed, he is an educated man, masters degree, teacher...he is cheerful and active most of the time, he just doesnt seem to care at all about his apperance...

I've asked him many times if he isnt embarrassed at work, ive begged him to do something, told him what a turn off it is...we've had arguements where he ends up staying home and making me go to something major, like a wedding because he'd rather not change his clothes or clean up...

This is becoming a novel...In spite of all this i love my husband alot...he is really a great guy, and he love me and the kids..but i feel more like he is my brother than my husband!!

Since i've lost my weight (and lets face it, got the boobs) i get ALOT of attention from men...that sounds conceited maybe, but i never got much attention as an adult woman, i was always overweight, and a SAHM, now im working, and i take care of my apperance, and suddenly men are noticing me, flirting with me etc..

and i really really like it...in particular there is a young man ten years younger than me that has been flirting with me alot...he has actually came right out and said he would like to have an affair with me...I've sort of nipped it in the bud, not really talking with him anymore, but everytime i think about it my stomach gets butterflys...he's such a cute kid, and its so flattering...and its making me be even more dissatisfied with my dh lately...I have said all of this to my husband, but he doesnt make any changes...ive asked for counceling, he wont go...he may spend a day or two making some effort, then its back to the same old thing...

Its very hard to tell my husband he doesnt turn me on because he stinks, or because he is selfish and unimagenative in bed, but i have said these things, (kindly, gently, not in bed, and not in those words) many times over the years, but he wont make any changes...

We have children together, and a nice life otherwise...it would break my childrens heart if we seperated..i am not unhappy otherwise, we get along well, he doesnt drink or drug, has an even temper, good dad and provider, kind and loving to me in most ways...i guess i feel stuck in a not passionate relationship because i have children, and their needs come first, but it makes me feel very sad and depressed...i've typed too much already, i have to go to work so i'll check in later...

[dizneegirl]

Honestly, my only suggestion is to print this post out, and show it to him. Maybe don't be quite so kind or gentle... he may not really realize just how much it affects or bothers you (people, especially those we're closest to, can be kind of dense sometimes when we try to be polite about something).

Let him know that you do love him. But that this HAS to change. Point blank.

I've known people like that... I don't know how you could tolerate it on a daily basis. It was all I could do to be civil some days.

As far as passion... if he were able to change the rest of it, he might feel better about himself, and more passionate. Or he might not. That just may be something you need to take into your own hands... either by yourself, or with him - "forcing" him to participate. Show him what you want. Might or might not work, but it could be fun to try.

When it comes down to it, I guess you just decide if you can live with uncleanliness and no passion. I really don't like divorce, but there are some cases where it's an answer (sometimes the only answer). In a case of just no passion, I'd hesitate to even think about it, but I couldn't stand the bad breath/teeth, BO, dirty clothes, etc., myself. I just couldn't.

[sleuthfan]

IMO bad hygiene is a form of disrespect to those around you. And in your situation, where you've spoken with him about it multiple times, IMO it's a form of hostility, very passive-aggressive behavior.
We all have our breaking points. I could not live with anyone whose hygiene was as poor as your husband's. I simply couldn't
And what kind of example is he setting for his children? I'd think that alone is sufficient reason for him to change his ways. Could you stage an intervention? Have others confront him on the same issue some night, children sleeping over at the grandparents' or a friend's?

I do feel there is an underlying lack of respect here, at least as you've described your situation. He sounds very selfish and, I'm sorry, but, even mean. When someone loves you, they try to please you, pleasing their loved one makes them feel happy. In fact, generosity (giving your partner pleasure) is essential to good lovemaking IMO. Intimacy nourishes us, is so important to a relationship. And, no, that doesn't mean just sex, but affection, sharing deeply personal thoughts & feelings, showing respect and consideration.

You really need to decide what your priorities are. Is this the example you want to set for your children? Is this the way you are willing to be treated?
If it's all okay with you, then keep the status quo. If not, let him know what must change in your relationship --- and let him know what steps YOU will take if he doesn't have enough love & respect for you to make those necessary changes. Also: you must do what you say you will if you want to have any credibility with him (and yourself) in future.


I wish you all the best, Sam. Obviously you love him, which makes your choices much more difficult.

[larryt]

Originally Posted by sam98632

in particular there is a young man ten years younger than me that has been flirting with me alot...he has actually came right out and said he would like to have an affair with me

This young man is lower than dirt. He couldn't care less about breaking up your beautiful family? LowLife.

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve. Turn in your notice tomorrow. Get help somewhere. Keep this family together.

Best of Luck

Larry

[Hockeychick]

Originally Posted by larryt

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve. Turn in your notice tomorrow. Get help somewhere. Keep this family together.

Larry

Are you nuts? It's somehow HER fault that her husband is an unclean, uncaring, disinterested slob? Is she supposed to stay at home all day thinking up new and imaginative ways to get him to wipe his ass?

Sam98632, if it were just one thing, say he was just a slob, then that would be one thing. But other things you write stand out - he's selfish, not affectionate, doesn't take you out, etc. In other words, he's not putting any effort into the relationship. And what I've realized lately myself is that even though a lot of us aren't high-maintenance and don't need a lot of super-expensive dinners and baubles and such, we all want to feel as if the person we're with thinks we're worth some effort, AND treats us as such. That our happiness is important to them. Quite honestly, it doesn't sound like he's an engaged part of the relationship, emotionally. He does what he wants, and as for you, take it or leave it. If you don't like it, too bad. In the meantime, you're dressing nicely and taking care of yourself - why don't you deserve the same courtesy from him?

Is that what you want? It sounds to me like you deserve better.

[dizneegirl]

Originally Posted by larryt

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve.

You're kidding, right?

[sleuthfan]

Originally Posted by larryt

This young man is lower than dirt. He couldn't care less about breaking up your beautiful family? LowLife.

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve. Turn in your notice tomorrow. Get help somewhere. Keep this family together.

Best of Luck

Larry

Hmmmm. I believe you and I must have read entirely different posts, Larry?
When a husband dishonors his wife, treats her disrespectfully and refuses to get counseling when she's expressed her concerns, then they do NOT have a beautiful family life.
The young man was straight-forward, stated his desires. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It's the responsibility of the married person to resist temptation & reject the offer (which she did).

She cannot get help if he is not willing to participate in the effort, and she's indicated clearly he is NOT willing. He's ignoring her needs & concerns. He's acting like a pig. Speak to THOSE issues, please. Speak to HIS behaviors. Her working is NOT the issue. I'm honestly shocked you would zero in on that. I hope you didn't hurt Sam's feelings

[mom2zeke]

I want to echo what everyone else has said (except for Larry). You somehow need to impress upon him the need to get help and that your marriage is in trouble. Perhaps the threat of losing you will be enough to get him to counseling. If you can't convince him to go, you should go yourself. My ex agreed to go, but bailed after a few sessions. I have continued to see a therapist throughout the breakup of my marriage and beyond. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

[DEBI IN OHIO]

I know exactly where u are coming from, at least 75% of your post is happening at my house.

I am not even going to comment on Larrys post except to say IGNORE IT!

[JunkintheTrunk]

Originally Posted by larryt

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve. Turn in your notice tomorrow. Get help somewhere. Keep this family together.

I am totally shocked. Back to the kitchen, you brazen hussy!! Eh?

Are you actually implying that her DH's lack of personal hygeine occurs because she doesn't wash his clothes? Perhaps she should hold him down and brush his teeth for him as well. Wipe his butt when he's finished his toilet?

Please. He's a grown man. He's is capable, if not willing, of doing these things for himself. The issue is why he's not willing to change those behaviours that are having a very negative impact on his 'beautiful family'.

[sam98632]

UGG...my dh read my email this morning, saw the reply notification, and read my post...he called me from work and said we have to talk, lay our cards on the table, but he seems less concerned about my issues than the possiblity that i might cheat on him..i NEVER would, but apparently thats what he got from it, so we will see...at least he got to hear some hard stuff, inadvertantly, but still...

[CurveControl]

Ok now you Have to print it out and hilight the stuff that is important, and that you put a stop to it and he needs to realize that He is a grown ass man and should be able to keep up general hygene. If he doesn't honor you eneough to clean up his act and get counseling wth you, it is his loss, and he will never find a woman if he is smelly and gross!
Larry- I agree the young affair guy is a POS, But I also belive that she needs to be out in the world, and maybe it is not a choice for her to work, but a neccesity. They should have mutual respect and work together.

[Hockeychick]

Originally Posted by sam98632

...he seems less concerned about my issues than the possiblity that i might cheat on him...

This kind of sums it up, doesn't it? That again, it's all about him. Not how upset you are and how his behavior is affecting you, but about him. That's amazingly selfish and self-centered. If I read something like what you initially posted, very blunt words from someone who is supposed to be the love of my life, and saw how they saw me......you can damn well bet I'd do something about it, and that would be my primary concern.

Well, maybe it's for the best that he saw your post - good luck with your talk! Remember, you deserve as much consideration as you give him.

HC

[BonBon19]

I'm sorry for your situation, Sam. In this case, I think maybe it's a good thing your husband read this thread. How interesting that you, as his wife, must look perfect at all times, but that he may be as slovenly as he pleases. Says a lot about whose tops in his book, and it ain't you! Good luck working things out! Sometimes it takes something embarrassing like this to get someone to clean up their act!

[shellpurr]

I wish you luck.

I cannot believe what Larry said.

[sam98632]

Originally Posted by shellpurr

I wish you luck.

I cannot believe what Larry said.

Larry, if that avi is you, i can see you are an older gentleman, and im not gonna get all riled up about your point of view, I'm gonna chalk it up to a generation gap, and the POV of a man...I think you were being sincere, and when i was a SAHM, he may have been in better shape than now (i still do his laundry however...) but we had other issues that were just as damaging to the relationship...I dont think the issue is that other men find me attractive, or have propositioned me, the issue for me is that if my relationship with my husband was strong and secure, i wouldnt be excited by the attention...it makes me feel bad, because i want to be a good loving wife, and get that feeling from my HUSBAND...

[Besos]

I am sorry Sam and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Larry, umm...nevermind I am not even going to go there.

[Jill1109]

Originally Posted by larryt

This young man is lower than dirt. He couldn't care less about breaking up your beautiful family? LowLife.

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve. Turn in your notice tomorrow. Get help somewhere. Keep this family together.

Best of Luck

Larry

Ok, I'm sorry but this post infuriates me. I think that "turn in your notice TOMORROW" could possible be some of the worse advice I have heard in a while....especially if you enjoy your job. I know that when I returned to work after being a sahm for many years.....it was a real eye opener to me. I dressed up and felt good about myself....and it showed. I had men coming on to me and flirting with me.....granted I never took it any further that just flirting......but after living with a man that never made me feel special at all.....in fact went out of his way to degrade me... I have to admit that it felt pretty darn good to be complimented and to be looked at like I was a vibrant, attractive women!!! Larry said that "some" of your issues would improve if you quit your job. Would quitting your job help your husband participate in sex? Would it help his bad....no his TERRIBLE bad breath? I don't see how you being home would help the fact that HE does't wipe carefully unless you are going to be the one to wipe his a*s? And the poopy underwear.......well I am just speechless on that one....lol You say you wash his clothes anyway weather you work or not. So???

Sounds like your husband needs to get some help in order to kee your family together.

Jill

[larryt]

Sam

I appreciate your reply, and yes that is my picture. I am 51 years old, I have four grown children, and I am a Grandpa. But this is the first time anyone ever called me an “older gentleman”. I got a good laugh out of that. But it’s true.

I’ve also been through a divorce after a 28 year marriage.

I found it interesting that when your husband read your message, he saw the possibility that you might cheat on him. And you replied that you never would do that. But when I read your message last night, that is the same thing I thought. That you were close to having an affair.

In my reply, I was not trying to justify your husband’s behaviors and personal hygiene. You deserve better than that! But I really feel that you are treading in extremely dangerous waters when other men show you the kind of attention you described.

I read your public profile here on LCF to find out your occupation. It says SAHM. Now you are working. From this information I assumed that you have recently returned to the workplace. You did mention that your husband is a good provider, and I was again guilty of assuming that you returning to the workplace was not a choice made by your financial situation. I do understand that in today’s world, to make ends meet, it often takes the income of two.

On this message board, most people don’t agree with my point of view. I am not a stubborn man who can’t admit fault, or be open to change my heart. But what I posted before was not a mistake. It’s really how I feel.

Larry

[hereslizz]

Originally Posted by larryt

This young man is lower than dirt. He couldn't care less about breaking up your beautiful family? LowLife.

If you went back to being a SAHM some of your issues (dirty clothes etc) would improve. Turn in your notice tomorrow. Get help somewhere. Keep this family together.

Best of Luck

Larry

*punt*


ETA: SAHM means stay at home MOM not stay at home MAID. Raise the children.....you do not need to raise the husband. That was his momma's job.

[dynagirl]

Originally Posted by hereslizz

*punt*


ETA: SAHM means stay at home MOM not stay at home MAID. Raise the children.....you do not need to raise the husband. That was his momma's job.

[BigRed]

Originally Posted by larryt

I’ve also been through a divorce after a 28 year marriage.
Larry

*note this will hardly ever happen ... but
I happen to agree with you.
been there - done that... divorce...
I have read so many of these threads of "one spouse" saying how evil thier "other spouse" is AND so many responses from people telling them to LEAVE HIM!!! LEAVE HIM!!! LEAVE HIM!!! Marriage should be a convenant between two people and should NOT be easy to break... it should be the last straw not the first....
And there is always going to be a time of trial whenever there is change in the home... that is when a new baby comes there is more work at the oddest hours, and each person tries to find thier place and thier job.. bout the time you do, another change happens... in the case of this person, she changed from being the AT HOME MOM (who probally did everything) to a WORKING MOM... the other household members, including her DH is trying to find his place....
communication and some give and take

[hereslizz]

Originally Posted by BigRed

And there is always going to be a time of trial whenever there is change in the home... that is when a new baby comes there is more work at the oddest hours, and each person tries to find thier place and thier job.. bout the time you do, another change happens... in the case of this person, she changed from being the AT HOME MOM (who probally did everything) to a WORKING MOM... the other household members, including her DH is trying to find his place....
communication and some give and take

Yeah there is always a transition period..I agree...I also agree that the 'kick him to the curb attitude is way overused.

However:

Originally Posted by sam

He has bad bad teeth that havent been cleaned in years, and he rarely brushes...he has chronic bad (TERRIBLE) breath that is bad even right after he brushes...He has IBS but wont shower or bath daily, doesnt wipe carefully, and doesnt seem to mind walking around with poopy underwear!!

When she was a SAHM...did she brush his teeth and wipe his ass for him? I think not. This bad hygiene issue, the sex issue, the "keeping her dressed up" issue has nothing to do with her going to work. He places so much emphasis on her appearance.....but walks around like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. That is a problem. There is no give and take. He isn't even trying.

I'm sorry Sam

[AllisonB]

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned that the husband may have some issues that require medical or psychiatric care.

That said, if my husband had that standard of personal hygiene, he'd be living in the garage. And not necessarily "my" garage.

[lee]

Sam.

i dont have any words of advice for you. i can only tell you that i know what it is like to feel that you are living with a "friend" in a realtionship, unsure just what to do, but knowing you have to do something.... so i send some good thoughts your way....hope you find the strength to make the decisions and changes you want to, and to find a positive way thru this.