Lookings for advice....regarding marriage

Jill1109 · 04-25-2005, 12:02 PM

I know there a quite a few people on this board that are having or have had marriage problems.....heck who hasn't really. I am just really confused right now and would like other opinions. I have been married for 15 years.....dated for 6 years before we got married, so basically...I have been with him since I was a kid. I finally realized after dating other people some, that he was the one for me...I really loved him and knew he loved me....he was always there for me and we did everything together. OK, so we get married, had my daughter 9 months later. My whole life changed, I was now this little suburbian wife and mother. Steve has a job where he travels about 80% of the year. I knew that going into the marriage and I knew or thought that our relationship was so strong that it didn't matter, yea it was hard but I always tried to make thing special when he was in town. After a few years of being married Steve really changed. When he would come home from being out of town, I wanted him to do things with me and the girls...spend time with us. It seems that he became very passive aggressive....he would resent the fact that he had to spend time with us and when we would do anything....he wouldn't hardly speak to me...he would have an attitude the whole time. Example: My next door neighbors went camping every year....they would always ask me and the girls to go, I always declined because either Steve didn't want to go or was out of town, so when the girls got a little older I was like heck yes...I will go. Steve acted like he was ticked off when he found out we were going. I told him "you don't have to go....stay home" but he dosn't want to look bad to other people so he went but the whole time he did not interact with me, etc. This was a pattern for him. Anytime there was Any kind of function going on I would always try to make plans to see if he was going to be in town..when I would ask, he would always blow up....like I was intruding. I was friends with alot of the neighbors...even though I was ALWAYS the one without a husband when we had get togethers etc. I was like well thats the way it is, Steve is out of town.....but when he was IN town....he showed absolutely NO interest in meeting any of my friends or doing things with them. As the years went on, things got worse. I decided that I had better get my degree because I could see how bad things were going....I was in school full time when he proceeds to tell me that they *might* have to take his company vehicle and if they did...then he would have to take my car.....plus he closed down our joint checking account and started writing me $100.00 checks at a time for groceries etc. I was like oh not no but h*ll no.....so I quit school and got a job. I had planned on going to school at night but started getting so involved with my job that I just sorta put school aside. I started feeling good about myself and started going out with friends from work....when I would stay out late and come home he would cuss me out, call me a **** in front of my girls and started getting physically abusive....I let that go on about 3 times and then I went to the police station WITH my girls and reported him....since he's a big hunter and if he touched me again...he would have his guns taken away so he hasn't hit or shoved me since. However he DID continue to be very verbally abusive, always trying to start a fight, insult me on a continuous basis. I have told him in the past that when he speaks to me like that I will not respond to him. So one morning he ask me something in a rude abusive way and I didn't answer him. He threw his cup of coffee down and said "Answer me *****"!!! When he left for work that day, I filed for a divorce. It was so embarrasing because I was going to have him served at work and I didn't even have his work address. The company moved but he never shares anything with me so I didn't even know where he worked. Well when he got the divorce papers (that was a year ago) he acted like he was so hurt and shocked.....like he didn't realize there was anything wrong. Well he made me feel sorry for him so I dropped the divorce. I continued to live in a marriage where there was never a kind word, I was never complimented for anything, his weekends never consisted of us spending anytime together, he either worked in the yard or went to the deer lease with his brother. I was so depressed with my life, my personality started changing and I was starting to become negative and bitter just like him (so unlike myself) I gained SO much weight. I got a different position at work where I was way overworked and way underpaid....I couldn't handle it so they laid me off. I decided I needed to regroup and figure out my life...well since I had no access to his money, the little I was making on my unemployment went for paying on my Credit Card.....then I would charge everything on my CC...so basically I was living off my CC...so I went into debt big time. Fast forward to today. I decided I was no loger going to be a victim....I told him that I was not going to work, I was going to get my degree so HE was going to have to support me and I needed access to money....so now I write myself a check from his account and put it in my account when I need money for groceries etc. I started eating right and excercising and have lost alot of weight. The ONLY thing Steve ever wants from me is SEX....thats it........we can go all day without speaking, but at night.....he expects me to be all into sex..well I can't....I mean I DO have sex with him....but believe me I almost want to cry because I don't want to.....then he gets pissed. I went out this weekend with friends....when I came home he heard me talking to my daughter about how this cute guy was flirting with me and that it was flattering. Well later that night when I wasn't into the sex, he jumped out of bed with his face all sulken in and he with that look in his eye like he wanted to hit me or something...and he said "How much longer are you going to be on your high horse"??? So my question is.....how could he not get it?? Why does he want to be married to me and yet treat me like this? To me it seems like he thinks there is no problem with our marriage except the fact that he dosn't have good sex. I know I have stayed married because first off....he is out of town so much that I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis and also I stay married because I can't be self supporting right now. (Although I could manage if I had to somehow).....but besides those 2 reasons......I feel guilty....I feel that if I actually go through with a divorce that it would hurt him badly.....I think I am being manipulated. I mean I am 41 and still relatively attractive......I'm so afraid that I am going to keep living like this until I'm so old that noone is going to want to date me. I have desires to have a loving, caring, SEXUAL relationship and yet I stay because I self doubt myself.....somehow I think I am being selfish....I am in denial thinking that it's not that bad.....I mean he has manipulated our marriage to the point that everything is separate...our time, our money, he never tells me anything about his business. Do I need to go talk to a professional? I am sorry this is so long....

Jill

dizneegirl · 04-25-2005, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jill1109

I feel guilty....I feel that if I actually go through with a divorce that it would hurt him badly.....I think I am being manipulated.

Do I need to go talk to a professional?

Does he care if he hurts you? Physically or emotionally? I doubt it. What should you care if he's hurt? IF he was hurt... my guess would be more that it was just another way to keep you there. Manipulated? You're beyond being manipulated - and I think you know that in your heart, if not in your head. The game has gone on so long, it's no longer a game.

A professional? Yes. A divorce lawyer. And NOW.

I guess I don't understand how or why someone would stay in an abusive relationship... Most humans deserve soooo much better than that. I don't think it's good for kids to grow up in that kind of household, and it completely destroys the person on the receiving end.

If you even have to question it, it's probably past time to say enough. The fact that you've had to go to the police says it all.

I know it would be tough. I know sometimes it's easier to say it's not so bad, and put up with it, just because you can't imagine how to change it. But you owe it to yourself, your daughters, and even him, to stop it, to change it. You can't imagine how much better you'd feel, how much happier you & the girls would be, even if it were tough. Happiness is worth a pretty high price.

Regarding your "marriage"... as Dr. Phil would say (and I'm not a fan, but this is so appropriate here...) "How's that working out for you?"

My thoughts are with you.

Jill1109 · 04-25-2005, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dizneegirl

Regarding your "marriage"... as Dr. Phil would say (and I'm not a fan, but this is so appropriate here...) "How's that working out for you?"

My thoughts are with you.

I never really thought about it this way before, but if you were to ask Steve this question.."How's it working for you"? His response would be great! I mean he has a wife when he "needs" one....(cook, clean, sex,) but other than that.....he's off the hook....I mean he has me right where he want's me dosn't he. His time is his time....he comes and goes and he pleases, he feels no need to incorporate me into his life, his money is his (except when I quit my job and told him I had to have access to his money) I guess he figures it's cheaper than child support... he feels no need to plan our future together, I heard that him and his brother have been looking for retirement property? I mean him and his BROTHER.....shouldn't that be his wife?? When I ask myself that question....."How's that working for me"? I would have to say....it's not! Except the fact that I have managed to stand my ground on some issues....The physical abuse stopped....because I went to the police.....*Most* of the verbal abuse stopped....because I filed for a divorce......*some* of the money issues have gotten better....because I just told him he had no alternative except to divorce me....But the emotional abuse is still there....I'v just been putting a bandaid on a major wound ..it is not really fixing anything permanetly.....it's just sorta patching up the wound. Wow....thanks for opening my eyes to that!!

Jill

Dreamer37 · 04-25-2005, 07:08 PM

You deserve happiness and someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated...this sounds to me like a very unhealthy marriage...does he have anything to do with the kids at all??? I can only say what I would do were I you...Id get out now!!

Lehgrad · 04-25-2005, 08:07 PM

Jill - Did you re-read your post? Read it back to yourself outloud and really listen to what you are saying. Do you know how awful your marriage sounds? I obviously have no idea what his side of the story is... but from reading what you wrote about this man anyone in their right mind would say to get out of that marraige as soon as possible.
Physically and verbally abusive??? You have children who are I'm guessing teenagers or approaching teenagers. How is their relationship with their father? Do you know exactly what he is doing when he is out of town all the time?

Jill1109 · 04-25-2005, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dreamer37

You deserve happiness and someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated...this sounds to me like a very unhealthy marriage...does he have anything to do with the kids at all??? I can only say what I would do were I you...Id get out now!!

When the kids were young....he was the type that would play with them for about 10 minutes and then go about his own buisness...he was not an involved father... He would never go out of his way to help me in any way with the girls whether it was going to pick them up from gymnastics or wether it was walking them to the park to get them out of the house for a while. He was always so resistant and it always ended up in an argument so I just quit asking him. HOWEVER, the FIRST time I decided I wanted divorced......(about 5 years before I actually filed for divorce) he threated to "get custody of the girls no matter what" so THEN he started getting more involved in their lives by taking them to school, helping with their homework, taking them shopping etc. I assume it was so he would look like an involved father in case we went to court. I was really mad about this but as it turns out......he actually kept that up and I *can* honestly say that he is a pretty good Dad to the girls....and it's actually genuine now....and I am thankful for that.

Has anyone had to deal with a passive-aggressive husband before? I swear he always acts like I am over reacting.....he makes ME feel like I'm doing something wrong. For a while I just thought that he didn't realize how bad he was......but how could he not? How can I get my point across? Why do people behave this way? On one hand he acts like I am burden to him...he treats me like a room mate that he is taking care of but then on the other hand.....when I want to call it quits.....he loves me and "I am taking away his life" if the girls and I leave him? Nothing I have said to him sinks in.

You are right....it has been a very unhealthy marriage, I resent all the years of fighting and him disrespecting me......like when he used to tell me in front of my 2 beautiful girls when they would be eating breakfast at the kitchen table. "Get the F*CK out ***** if you don't like it"....I think or I KNOW I should have left then.......I think it's harder now because he dosn't talk to me like that anymore....he has learned that I won't tolerate that anymore but now he abuses me in a more discreet way so that HE dosn't look bad. I just wish I had the nerve to do it now....

Jill

reitzell · 04-26-2005, 07:29 AM

First

I'm sorry it doesn't sound like you're in a good place right now in your life.

reitzell · 04-26-2005, 07:50 AM

He's not passive-aggressive because he can show anger. People who are passive-aggressive don't/can't own the fact that they're pissed.

I guess another Dr. Phil'ism is you can measure a relationship by how well does it meet the needs of each of the partners. If he has a very low need for intimacy and you are not getting your needs met then you need professional help.

When the use the "D" word or call the police or whatever you haven't addressed the issue. You've changed the issue. He is now thinking I don't want to get a divorce. What do I need to do to avoid that? "Bottom-line" negotiating is always a bad thing. You got access to money but the original issue remained, right?

Maybe he is emotionally oblivious. He understands his need for sexual connection but doesn't see how sharing how he is feeling about the events in his day are a kind of intimacy. Does he know how he's feeling other then horny or angry?

The best possible outcome here is that you both get professional help - you work on your stuff and he works on his.

BigRed · 04-26-2005, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by reitzell

The best possible outcome here is that you both get professional help - you work on your stuff and he works on his.

Good Advice!

mai-ling · 04-26-2005, 09:07 AM

You need to move out with your daughters
and have him seek consuling on his own
and together.

He is volitiale and off his rocker.

If you have family close by or someone
you can spend some time with (friends)
I would do it soon.

This is no life for you.
He is keeping you trapt like a prisoner.

This isn't a marriage.

It must be hell for you to live like this
and your children to see you in this way.

mai-ling · 04-26-2005, 09:10 AM

This isn't safe for you emotionally and physically
for you and your daughters.

You can't predit what will happen in the near
future but you can protect yourself from
something that could happen in near future.

karenmarie · 04-26-2005, 12:31 PM

I'm sorry you're going thru this. I don't have any advice, I wish I did, just

for you

Jill1109 · 04-26-2005, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by reitzell

He's not passive-aggressive because he can show anger. People who are passive-aggressive don't/can't own the fact that they're pissed.

I guess another Dr. Phil'ism is you can measure a relationship by how well does it meet the needs of each of the partners. If he has a very low need for intimacy and you are not getting your needs met then you need professional help.

When the use the "D" word or call the police or whatever you haven't addressed the issue. You've changed the issue. He is now thinking I don't want to get a divorce. What do I need to do to avoid that? "Bottom-line" negotiating is always a bad thing. You got access to money but the original issue remained, right?

Maybe he is emotionally oblivious. He understands his need for sexual connection but doesn't see how sharing how he is feeling about the events in his day are a kind of intimacy. Does he know how he's feeling other then horny or angry?

The best possible outcome here is that you both get professional help - you work on your stuff and he works on his.

This is exactly right.....as you say, none of our issues are being addressed, they are being changed!! That's why I said each time I *think* I'm taking care of a problem (filing a police report, etc) I'm really not fixing anything....I'm just putting a bandaid on it....that's why I said that I am really mad at myself because I should have either absolutly DIVORCED him years ago or absolutly seeked professional help and WORKED on solving our problems.....now I think I have made things worse because now he can say "well what have I done"...nothing....it's all YOU.

I will say that years ago, when all this was going on, I told him that we needed to see a marriage counselor....he just flat out refused. He thinks 1. He's smarter than a counselor 2. It's a waste of money (He has major money issues) 3. He dosn't have time. I went ONCE.....I answered her questions honestly.....I did not try to sugar coat myself....and at the end of the session....she put her pen down and looked at me and said "Wow....I'm just wondering why you haven't been more forceful with him" or something to that effect. She's the one that said it sounds like I'm dealing with a passive-agressive man.......and from all the research I have done....he definetly fits the description.

This is something I read about Passive-agressive personalities and this fits him perfectly:
He blames her for creating the problem and keeps her focused on her anger rather than his own ineptitude. When backed into a corner, he may explode and switch to aggressive aggressive behavior then switch back to passivity. 2. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irrtability but he keeps her around because he needs her

Jill

Jill1109 · 04-26-2005, 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mai-ling

You need to move out with your daughters
and have him seek consuling on his own
and together.

He is volitiale and off his rocker.

If you have family close by or someone
you can spend some time with (friends)
I would do it soon.

This is no life for you.
He is keeping you trapt like a prisoner.

This isn't a marriage.

It must be hell for you to live like this
and your children to see you in this way.

You know....as bad as it sounds.....I guess this is the answer I want to hear because this is how I feel....I feel that he is off his rocker....but he is real good at making me feel like it's all my fault...

Yes actually all my family live here and I'm real close to them....I could always go live with my parents.

Jill

mai-ling · 04-26-2005, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jill1109

You know....as bad as it sounds.....I guess this is the answer I want to hear because this is how I feel....I feel that he is off his rocker....but he is real good at making me feel like it's all my fault...

Yes actually all my family live here and I'm real close to them....I could always go live with my parents.

Jill

I know its harsh.
I don't want to sound harsh.
But I've had my share of relationships
that aren't good for me (still do at times).

It takes a while to hear yourself until someone
is telling you.

I wish you the best.

Never fear asking the help of your family.

That is why they are there.

CurveControl · 04-26-2005, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jill1109

You know....as bad as it sounds.....I guess this is the answer I want to hear because this is how I feel....I feel that he is off his rocker....but he is real good at making me feel like it's all my fault...

Yes actually all my family live here and I'm real close to them....I could always go live with my parents.

Jill

I would go away, and get couneling seperate and together too.
My first marrige counselor appt is tomorrow.

I will

for you!
M

Jill1109 · 04-26-2005, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurveControl

I would go away, and get couneling seperate and together too.
My first marrige counselor appt is tomorrow.

I will

for you!
M

Are you going alone or with your husband??

Thanks for the prayers. I know that marriage counselors have helped alot of marriages.......I hope this will be the case for you and your husband. I honestly believe that if both people are willing to work on their marriage and they tackle it before it gets out of hand.....they can work and resolve their issues.

Jill

CurveControl · 04-26-2005, 11:24 PM

With, If he gets off work, Alone to the lawyer if he doesn't.

Jill1109 · 04-27-2005, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CurveControl

With, If he gets off work, Alone to the lawyer if he doesn't.

It sounds like you are standing your ground....good for you!!

Jill

heldinhishand · 04-28-2005, 08:35 AM

I've read through all your postings and really identified with them in a lot of aspects. My ex-husband also was so good at making me feel that everything was my fault. We were married for 18 years and had two sons. I also asked him to try counseling,but his response was that no one was qualified to counsel him! Like it was going so well the way it was without any help! For years I didn't feel like I had any choice because it took both of us working just to survive and I didn't see how I could survive on my own and care for the boys. There was a pride thing involved, too...I didn't want people to realize how bad things were.

Long story short, I was in a horrible and nearly fatal car accident and spent 3 weeks in the hospital, much of it in intensive care. He asked my mother how long he HAD to stay at the hospital the day I had spinal surgery! And I realized that if I couldn't count on him when I needed him most (I already knew that, really, but the situation made it impossible to tolerate any more), we didn't have a marriage any more. I had to stay with my parents for 3 months following release from the hospital because I couldn't care for myself and he was at work,and being away for awhile made me realize just HOW BAD things had gotten. I realized how much my children were being affected and that I needed to get out for their sakes. That was 10 years ago, and both children and I spent years in counseling to heal the wounds he had caused. Both sons have told me that they are angry at me that I didn't get out sooner.

It sounds like he has things just the way he wants them...no accountability and someone to cook, clean, and sleep with him when he wants it. And he doesn't have to be emotionally available or put anything into it. Believe me, he isn't going to want this to end. But for your mental and emotional well being, you need toget out NOW. And what about your kids...what are they learning about what a marriage should be and how men should treat women?? You deserve better, and so do they. Don't let him take your whole life and future away...see a lawyer and then see a counselor for yourself and your children.

Emily

Jill1109 · 04-28-2005, 11:18 AM

How sad that it took a near fatal car wreck to confirm something you knew all along. I had similiar things happen....granted it wasn't a near fatal wreck but I still needed him and instead of being a loving husband that cared about his wife...he acted like I was a burden. I had to have my gallbladder removed in 1999, I told Steve about it and he was like "well I'm not sure if I can get off work" so I did what I have always done and called my Mom and Sister....they were like don't worry we will be with you. The day before the surgery Steve said oh yea, I'm getting the day off so I can take you...this is/was typical of him...he likes to keep me guessing. He was there during surgery as well as my family....My Mom asked if he was going to take the rest of the day off to "take care of me" he said yes. ANYTHING I asked him for he was like "Wait....I'll get it in a minute...it was like I was annoying him because I asked for some chicken broth or something to drink! My Aunt called later that evening to see how I was...he answered the phone and said here...the phones for you and threw it right on my VERY SORE stomach!!! I started crying it hurt so bad. He said he was sorry, he didn't mean to hit my in the stomach and while I don't *think* he actually meant to throw it on my stomach..it was the fact that he had an attitude because he felt like he had to be there. Another time was when I burnt my eyes...I had used my daughters breathing treatment because I had been sick and I think the medicine *smoke* absorbed in my contacts and I was allergic to it or something... My eyes were blood red and swollen..I had already been to the eye Dr. that week but they were getting worse....I was so scared and they hurt. I was in the bedroom crying trying to figure out what I should do....I decided to go to the hospital (emergeny room) because it was the weekend. At the time the girls were young.....so I asked him if he would stay with them while I went, he said he was getting ready to pack to go out of town to the dear lease. His brother came over and stayed with the girls while I went. I mean come on.....a husband and wife are supposed to be there for each other.....but like you, I kept making excuses for not actually divorcing him (can't make it on my own, it will crush the kids,it will crush him <big eyeroll here>he's not home that much anyway....that's the biggest excuse).
I am going to write him a long letter explaining to him what is going on in this marriage since he seems to be oblivious as to what's going on...I am also going to tell him that I'm not writing this letter to try and make things "right" because I'm over trying to make things right.....I tried for years....and things got worse......I need to let him know....that it's over for me......I feel nothing for him. I feel that he still thinks I get upset when he plays mind games with me.....I want to assure him that I don't get upset anymore.....because I don't CARE......I just want out!!! He can cooperate or not.....either way....I have to move on. Thanks for sharing your story....I think I could have save me and the girls alot of heartache if I would have split years ago.

Jill

Jill1109 · 04-30-2005, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lehgrad

Jill - Did you re-read your post? Read it back to yourself outloud and really listen to what you are saying. Do you know how awful your marriage sounds? I obviously have no idea what his side of the story is... but from reading what you wrote about this man anyone in their right mind would say to get out of that marraige as soon as possible.
Physically and verbally abusive??? You have children who are I'm guessing teenagers or approaching teenagers. How is their relationship with their father? Do you know exactly what he is doing when he is out of town all the time?

I think I missed your post the first time around. I know.....it's unbelievable isn't it. I'm a smart women......why do I keep telling myself "it's not that bad"??? All I can say is that I must be in denial...that and the fact that he's a master manipulator!!!!! It's crazy.

Jill

Bubbles · 05-03-2005, 09:10 AM

Are you kidding me? This guy is mentally ill and you need to get away quickly. For your sake and the girls.
I have lived your life. My DH traveled 3 weeks + a month for 7 years and he would also come home exhausted from traveling all over the world. But I NEVER expected him to spend his few days at home making nice with the neighbors. But did expect him to do chores, go to kids activities and take me out for a quiet meal. That is what normal couples do. As far as money is concerned you are married, his money IS your money. Spend a good week finding out everything you can about his company, his salary etc. He is hiding something.
I hate to bring this up but I have a friend that had an ex DH that treated her similarly........he had another wife in Arizona.

ceee · 05-12-2005, 12:02 PM

Hi - first off I would like to say that I am sorry you are facing these troubles. Nobody deserves this kind of pain.
I guess my best piece of advice would be: What would you say to one of your daughters if they were married (older, obviously) and in the same type of relationship? That probably answers your question right there.
Good luck and blessings.

04-25-2005, 12:02 PM	#1
Jill1109 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: League City, TX Posts: 1,464 Gallery: Jill1109	Lookings for advice....regarding marriage I know there a quite a few people on this board that are having or have had marriage problems.....heck who hasn't really. I am just really confused right now and would like other opinions. I have been married for 15 years.....dated for 6 years before we got married, so basically...I have been with him since I was a kid. I finally realized after dating other people some, that he was the one for me...I really loved him and knew he loved me....he was always there for me and we did everything together. OK, so we get married, had my daughter 9 months later. My whole life changed, I was now this little suburbian wife and mother. Steve has a job where he travels about 80% of the year. I knew that going into the marriage and I knew or thought that our relationship was so strong that it didn't matter, yea it was hard but I always tried to make thing special when he was in town. After a few years of being married Steve really changed. When he would come home from being out of town, I wanted him to do things with me and the girls...spend time with us. It seems that he became very passive aggressive....he would resent the fact that he had to spend time with us and when we would do anything....he wouldn't hardly speak to me...he would have an attitude the whole time. Example: My next door neighbors went camping every year....they would always ask me and the girls to go, I always declined because either Steve didn't want to go or was out of town, so when the girls got a little older I was like heck yes...I will go. Steve acted like he was ticked off when he found out we were going. I told him "you don't have to go....stay home" but he dosn't want to look bad to other people so he went but the whole time he did not interact with me, etc. This was a pattern for him. Anytime there was Any kind of function going on I would always try to make plans to see if he was going to be in town..when I would ask, he would always blow up....like I was intruding. I was friends with alot of the neighbors...even though I was ALWAYS the one without a husband when we had get togethers etc. I was like well thats the way it is, Steve is out of town.....but when he was IN town....he showed absolutely NO interest in meeting any of my friends or doing things with them. As the years went on, things got worse. I decided that I had better get my degree because I could see how bad things were going....I was in school full time when he proceeds to tell me that they might have to take his company vehicle and if they did...then he would have to take my car.....plus he closed down our joint checking account and started writing me $100.00 checks at a time for groceries etc. I was like oh not no but hll no.....so I quit school and got a job. I had planned on going to school at night but started getting so involved with my job that I just sorta put school aside. I started feeling good about myself and started going out with friends from work....when I would stay out late and come home he would cuss me out, call me a * in front of my girls and started getting physically abusive....I let that go on about 3 times and then I went to the police station WITH my girls and reported him....since he's a big hunter and if he touched me again...he would have his guns taken away so he hasn't hit or shoved me since. However he DID continue to be very verbally abusive, always trying to start a fight, insult me on a continuous basis. I have told him in the past that when he speaks to me like that I will not respond to him. So one morning he ask me something in a rude abusive way and I didn't answer him. He threw his cup of coffee down and said "Answer me ***"!!! When he left for work that day, I filed for a divorce. It was so embarrasing because I was going to have him served at work and I didn't even have his work address. The company moved but he never shares anything with me so I didn't even know where he worked. Well when he got the divorce papers (that was a year ago) he acted like he was so hurt and shocked.....like he didn't realize there was anything wrong. Well he made me feel sorry for him so I dropped the divorce. I continued to live in a marriage where there was never a kind word, I was never complimented for anything, his weekends never consisted of us spending anytime together, he either worked in the yard or went to the deer lease with his brother. I was so depressed with my life, my personality started changing and I was starting to become negative and bitter just like him (so unlike myself) I gained SO much weight. I got a different position at work where I was way overworked and way underpaid....I couldn't handle it so they laid me off. I decided I needed to regroup and figure out my life...well since I had no access to his money, the little I was making on my unemployment went for paying on my Credit Card.....then I would charge everything on my CC...so basically I was living off my CC...so I went into debt big time. Fast forward to today. I decided I was no loger going to be a victim....I told him that I was not going to work, I was going to get my degree so HE was going to have to support me and I needed access to money....so now I write myself a check from his account and put it in my account when I need money for groceries etc. I started eating right and excercising and have lost alot of weight. The ONLY thing Steve ever wants from me is SEX....thats it........we can go all day without speaking, but at night.....he expects me to be all into sex..well I can't....I mean I DO have sex with him....but believe me I almost want to cry because I don't want to.....then he gets pissed. I went out this weekend with friends....when I came home he heard me talking to my daughter about how this cute guy was flirting with me and that it was flattering. Well later that night when I wasn't into the sex, he jumped out of bed with his face all sulken in and he with that look in his eye like he wanted to hit me or something...and he said "How much longer are you going to be on your high horse"??? So my question is.....how could he not get it?? Why does he want to be married to me and yet treat me like this? To me it seems like he thinks there is no problem with our marriage except the fact that he dosn't have good sex. I know I have stayed married because first off....he is out of town so much that I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis and also I stay married because I can't be self supporting right now. (Although I could manage if I had to somehow).....but besides those 2 reasons......I feel guilty....I feel that if I actually go through with a divorce that it would hurt him badly.....I think I am being manipulated. I mean I am 41 and still relatively attractive......I'm so afraid that I am going to keep living like this until I'm so old that noone is going to want to date me. I have desires to have a loving, caring, SEXUAL relationship and yet I stay because I self doubt myself.....somehow I think I am being selfish....I am in denial thinking that it's not that bad.....I mean he has manipulated our marriage to the point that everything is separate...our time, our money, he never tells me anything about his business. Do I need to go talk to a professional? I am sorry this is so long.... Jill

04-28-2005, 11:18 AM	#21
Jill1109 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: League City, TX Posts: 1,464 Gallery: Jill1109	How sad that it took a near fatal car wreck to confirm something you knew all along. I had similiar things happen....granted it wasn't a near fatal wreck but I still needed him and instead of being a loving husband that cared about his wife...he acted like I was a burden. I had to have my gallbladder removed in 1999, I told Steve about it and he was like "well I'm not sure if I can get off work" so I did what I have always done and called my Mom and Sister....they were like don't worry we will be with you. The day before the surgery Steve said oh yea, I'm getting the day off so I can take you...this is/was typical of him...he likes to keep me guessing. He was there during surgery as well as my family....My Mom asked if he was going to take the rest of the day off to "take care of me" he said yes. ANYTHING I asked him for he was like "Wait....I'll get it in a minute...it was like I was annoying him because I asked for some chicken broth or something to drink! My Aunt called later that evening to see how I was...he answered the phone and said here...the phones for you and threw it right on my VERY SORE stomach!!! I started crying it hurt so bad. He said he was sorry, he didn't mean to hit my in the stomach and while I don't think he actually meant to throw it on my stomach..it was the fact that he had an attitude because he felt like he had to be there. Another time was when I burnt my eyes...I had used my daughters breathing treatment because I had been sick and I think the medicine smoke absorbed in my contacts and I was allergic to it or something... My eyes were blood red and swollen..I had already been to the eye Dr. that week but they were getting worse....I was so scared and they hurt. I was in the bedroom crying trying to figure out what I should do....I decided to go to the hospital (emergeny room) because it was the weekend. At the time the girls were young.....so I asked him if he would stay with them while I went, he said he was getting ready to pack to go out of town to the dear lease. His brother came over and stayed with the girls while I went. I mean come on.....a husband and wife are supposed to be there for each other.....but like you, I kept making excuses for not actually divorcing him (can't make it on my own, it will crush the kids,it will crush him <big eyeroll here>he's not home that much anyway....that's the biggest excuse). I am going to write him a long letter explaining to him what is going on in this marriage since he seems to be oblivious as to what's going on...I am also going to tell him that I'm not writing this letter to try and make things "right" because I'm over trying to make things right.....I tried for years....and things got worse......I need to let him know....that it's over for me......I feel nothing for him. I feel that he still thinks I get upset when he plays mind games with me.....I want to assure him that I don't get upset anymore.....because I don't CARE......I just want out!!! He can cooperate or not.....either way....I have to move on. Thanks for sharing your story....I think I could have save me and the girls alot of heartache if I would have split years ago. Jill Last edited by Jill1109 : 04-28-2005 at 11:22 AM.

05-03-2005, 09:10 AM	#23
Bubbles Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Live Free or Die Baby!!!!! Posts: 10,100 Gallery: Bubbles Stats: 140 lbs of flabby fun WOE: All the time Start Date: Feb 2003	Are you kidding me? This guy is mentally ill and you need to get away quickly. For your sake and the girls. I have lived your life. My DH traveled 3 weeks + a month for 7 years and he would also come home exhausted from traveling all over the world. But I NEVER expected him to spend his few days at home making nice with the neighbors. But did expect him to do chores, go to kids activities and take me out for a quiet meal. That is what normal couples do. As far as money is concerned you are married, his money IS your money. Spend a good week finding out everything you can about his company, his salary etc. He is hiding something. I hate to bring this up but I have a friend that had an ex DH that treated her similarly........he had another wife in Arizona. __________________ I don't have a problem with anger, I have a problem with idiots. Just because I don't care, does not mean I don't understand.

04-25-2005, 07:08 PM	#4
Dreamer37 Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Montana Posts: 5,331 Gallery: Dreamer37 Stats: 187/169/130 Start Date: october 26th restarted 1/29/08	You deserve happiness and someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated...this sounds to me like a very unhealthy marriage...does he have anything to do with the kids at all??? I can only say what I would do were I you...Id get out now!!

04-25-2005, 08:07 PM	#5
Lehgrad MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Boston Posts: 2,017 Gallery: Lehgrad Stats: 170/141/135, 5'5" WOE: IR Diet Start Date: June '04	Jill - Did you re-read your post? Read it back to yourself outloud and really listen to what you are saying. Do you know how awful your marriage sounds? I obviously have no idea what his side of the story is... but from reading what you wrote about this man anyone in their right mind would say to get out of that marraige as soon as possible. Physically and verbally abusive??? You have children who are I'm guessing teenagers or approaching teenagers. How is their relationship with their father? Do you know exactly what he is doing when he is out of town all the time?

04-26-2005, 07:29 AM	#7
reitzell MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 1,813 Gallery: reitzell	First I'm sorry it doesn't sound like you're in a good place right now in your life.

04-26-2005, 07:50 AM	#8
reitzell MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 1,813 Gallery: reitzell	He's not passive-aggressive because he can show anger. People who are passive-aggressive don't/can't own the fact that they're pissed. I guess another Dr. Phil'ism is you can measure a relationship by how well does it meet the needs of each of the partners. If he has a very low need for intimacy and you are not getting your needs met then you need professional help. When the use the "D" word or call the police or whatever you haven't addressed the issue. You've changed the issue. He is now thinking I don't want to get a divorce. What do I need to do to avoid that? "Bottom-line" negotiating is always a bad thing. You got access to money but the original issue remained, right? Maybe he is emotionally oblivious. He understands his need for sexual connection but doesn't see how sharing how he is feeling about the events in his day are a kind of intimacy. Does he know how he's feeling other then horny or angry? The best possible outcome here is that you both get professional help - you work on your stuff and he works on his.

04-26-2005, 09:07 AM	#10
mai-ling Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Chicago/Milwaukee Posts: 344 Gallery: mai-ling Stats: Chinese-Polak WOE: Blood Type Diet Start Date: 04-05	You need to move out with your daughters and have him seek consuling on his own and together. He is volitiale and off his rocker. If you have family close by or someone you can spend some time with (friends) I would do it soon. This is no life for you. He is keeping you trapt like a prisoner. This isn't a marriage. It must be hell for you to live like this and your children to see you in this way.

04-26-2005, 09:10 AM	#11
mai-ling Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Chicago/Milwaukee Posts: 344 Gallery: mai-ling Stats: Chinese-Polak WOE: Blood Type Diet Start Date: 04-05	This isn't safe for you emotionally and physically for you and your daughters. You can't predit what will happen in the near future but you can protect yourself from something that could happen in near future.

04-26-2005, 12:31 PM	#12
karenmarie Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Delaware Posts: 187 Gallery: karenmarie Stats: 220/?/180 WOE: contemplating re-starting Atkins	I'm sorry you're going thru this. I don't have any advice, I wish I did, just for you

04-26-2005, 11:24 PM	#18
CurveControl Formerlychubchick Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Ohio Posts: 42,451 Blog Entries: 8 Gallery: CurveControl Stats: 200/ 186.0 /135 WOE: moderate carb, 30-60 grams Start Date: 3/25/08 sigh	With, If he gets off work, Alone to the lawyer if he doesn't.

04-28-2005, 08:35 AM	#20
heldinhishand Junior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 5 Gallery: heldinhishand	I've read through all your postings and really identified with them in a lot of aspects. My ex-husband also was so good at making me feel that everything was my fault. We were married for 18 years and had two sons. I also asked him to try counseling,but his response was that no one was qualified to counsel him! Like it was going so well the way it was without any help! For years I didn't feel like I had any choice because it took both of us working just to survive and I didn't see how I could survive on my own and care for the boys. There was a pride thing involved, too...I didn't want people to realize how bad things were. Long story short, I was in a horrible and nearly fatal car accident and spent 3 weeks in the hospital, much of it in intensive care. He asked my mother how long he HAD to stay at the hospital the day I had spinal surgery! And I realized that if I couldn't count on him when I needed him most (I already knew that, really, but the situation made it impossible to tolerate any more), we didn't have a marriage any more. I had to stay with my parents for 3 months following release from the hospital because I couldn't care for myself and he was at work,and being away for awhile made me realize just HOW BAD things had gotten. I realized how much my children were being affected and that I needed to get out for their sakes. That was 10 years ago, and both children and I spent years in counseling to heal the wounds he had caused. Both sons have told me that they are angry at me that I didn't get out sooner. It sounds like he has things just the way he wants them...no accountability and someone to cook, clean, and sleep with him when he wants it. And he doesn't have to be emotionally available or put anything into it. Believe me, he isn't going to want this to end. But for your mental and emotional well being, you need toget out NOW. And what about your kids...what are they learning about what a marriage should be and how men should treat women?? You deserve better, and so do they. Don't let him take your whole life and future away...see a lawyer and then see a counselor for yourself and your children. Emily

05-12-2005, 12:02 PM	#24
ceee Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 574 Gallery: ceee Start Date: March 2005	Hi - first off I would like to say that I am sorry you are facing these troubles. Nobody deserves this kind of pain. I guess my best piece of advice would be: What would you say to one of your daughters if they were married (older, obviously) and in the same type of relationship? That probably answers your question right there. Good luck and blessings.