Mother's Day and other difficult times...

sleuthfan · 04-22-2005, 06:34 PM

::sigh::
Another Mother's Day approaches.
This is a really difficult time for me, I've sorely missed my mom ever since she died; and Mother's Day is still like a knife in the heart, even after 23 years.

Part of the pain is that I cannot even visit her grave or send flowers there. I know that may seem silly, even trivial to some. It isn't trivial to me.

Ironic how I've always made a fuss over holidays (a legacy from my mother), yet they've not been kind to my family. My mom died 3 days before Christmas. My dad had a heart attack two days before Thanksgiving. My mom's birthday was July 5th, so naturally Independence Day brings a pang or two. Mother's Day is the hardest, though. Guess I'll do what I always do: visit church for some quiet reflection the day before.

How do you cope with such occasions?

Kiara874 · 04-22-2005, 07:48 PM

Lori · 04-22-2005, 07:48 PM

My mom died five years ago. On Mother's day I go to the mausoleum with a white rose. Then I go home and celebrate with my husband and daughter, usually going out for Sunday dinner with my brother and his family. I will never forget but I try to make the day happy for my own girl too.

It's not easy.

...my mom's birthday was yesterday.

Boujie · 04-22-2005, 09:07 PM

I don't know Sleuth....I don't know how I could cope with the loss of my Mom

mai-ling · 04-22-2005, 09:57 PM

We cope daily even tho we don't
realize it. Only when certain
dates and events that surround
them do they ovwhelming hit us
hard.

I don't know what it is like to
lose a parent yet. But I do know
what it is like to almost lose one.

Every year between July 29 and
my b-day I get extremely emotional.
My dad had a massive hemmoraghic
stroke and it was a week and a half
before my b-day. He did survive.
But every once in a while I have
emotional boughts.

Part is horomoes part is memories
flooding in. I tend to journal alot.
I also try to look at certain
aspect of things to see what
positive and that makes me
emotional to.

I find facing these feelings makes
me stronger with each waking moment.

Lacey01 · 04-22-2005, 10:36 PM

My Lovely Mother has been gone for 14 months. I miss her awfully. I thank God I don't miss her more on certain days b-day m-day x-mas. I wake up some nights still crying for her, and low and behold I dreamed of her last night! Her b-day was 4/13. M-day will just be M-day, and probally won't be the day I cry, feel sad, or just want to die.

Marlee · 04-23-2005, 11:03 AM

This will be my first Mother's day without my Mom. I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal with it. She passed away March 12th. We're finally having the burial on May 26th I've seen signs in stores and things about gift ideas... and it just kinda sucks.

Pamalee63 · 04-23-2005, 11:59 AM

My mom died in 1988, and I still felt pangs when I saw the first sign at the store saying Mother's Day is May 8th.

At least this year, Mother's Day doesn't fall on my sister's birthday. It can be so hard for her some years, because she shared a birthday with our oldest sister, who died from leukemia at age 23. Then on top of that our mom died from breast cancer at age 52.

Sometimes all you can do is have a good cry.

I'm sorry for everyone who has lost their mom, too. Especially the most recent losses. It is really hard.

manalu · 04-23-2005, 07:03 PM

I know a woman who celebrates her Mom's life by doing something for someone else. She does something in honor of her Mom, something her Mom would have done in her life.
One year, she gave me a card. I opened it and inside was $20.00 with a note telling me that she was honoring her Mom with the gift of helping a single mom. I was so touched by that.

Woman Typing Badly · 04-23-2005, 08:42 PM

I do not know what it is like to lose my mom or lose a child. I do have a suggestion. Maybe seek out an older lady in your church, workplace or community who would really receive and appreciate the attention and adopt her.

She could never take the place of your mom and you could never take the place of her child but there is comfort in reaching out to an older person who feels alone and/or isolated. I have seen this idea in action and it is such a blessing to watch unfold.

I hope this was of use to you....

Euphrates · 04-24-2005, 05:00 AM

The last week or so of April is traditionally a rough time emotionally for me for 2 reasons. The first is my daughter's birthday - the child I placed for adoption will turn 21 on May 1st. The second is that 8 years ago my mother died on May 22. Both events are VERY tied to Mother's Day for me, as the last time I saw my mom alive was the Mother's Day 2 weeks before she died. And of course, she was always the one who called me on my daughter's birthday, just so I knew someone else remembered. I was a HUGE wreck the first year after she died when both my dad and my sister called me on Meredith's birthday- it was so sweet of them, and they knew how significant it was for me.

The redbuds have been blooming here, which is the flower I associate with my daughter (I saw them out of my hospital window when she was born). It hasn't been one of my "tough years", at least not too bad so far. Of course, TOM is due next week so that may change.

Eu - who understands...

Barbara690 · 04-24-2005, 08:40 AM

My Mother died the day before Mother's Day,it will be two years.The first year was the hardest and I was an emotional wreck.This year I feel I am getting back on track but it will always be a difficult time of year for me.

jenny5309 · 04-24-2005, 05:53 PM

to you all who have lost your mothers. I don't ever want to think about the day when that happens to me. I wouldn't know what to do.

VocaLisa · 04-24-2005, 09:42 PM

I'm sorry Sleuth. I haven't lost my Mom, but I dread the day. I have a tendency to take the anniversaries of occasions very hard as well.

We had a few deaths in our family around July 4th as well, so not only do I have pangs because of the memories, but there's a slight irrational fear of someone else dying around then too.

All I can say is don't hesitate to write/call whenever you need to.

Queen Mab · 04-24-2005, 09:55 PM

I'm sorry Sleuth.

How about inquiring at your local retirement home if they're any lonely guests that would be cheered by a visit. Helping someone else can also help you to forget your pain.

sleuthfan · 04-25-2005, 03:45 AM

Thanks so much for your responses.
Wonderful suggestions, which I will take to heart.
10 years ago I broke my right ankle in several places and gained an appreciation for how frustrating it is to be even temporarily disabled. So I started volunteering to help those with disabilities Most of those I assist are elderly.

My mom and I shared so much. She loved to cook, loved to read, loved to entertain, was very politically aware and active, loved crossword puzzles.
I miss talking with her, laughing with her. I was so proud to be her daughter.

For those of you who have lost your moms too, and those who are loathe to even think about how awful it will be when you do,

Special hugs for Marlee, Barbara690 and Euphrates, whose wounds are still so fresh

I'm so very sorry for your losses. Believe me, I empathize.

slimforever06 · 05-04-2005, 01:18 PM

I lost my Mom too - it will be three years in September - and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. She was only 65 and died of lung cancer. The past two mother's days I have gone out of town but it really doesn't help.

Some really good suggestions on what to do though. Thanks.

hollyrae · 05-04-2005, 02:05 PM

Peskie · 05-04-2005, 06:56 PM

As for dealing with the holidays and such, just take it a moment at a time and try to live in the good memories. Maybe do something in memory of her that she'd be particularly proud of.

Tazcat · 05-04-2005, 09:13 PM

sleuth, i'm so sorry

i miss you.

Marlee · 05-05-2005, 02:36 PM

It seems like the loss of my Mother is just starting to really hit me. I've never felt so alone in my life. I can't stop crying...

She died on March 12th.... it was horrible, horrible to watch... but I felt a lot of relief afterwards... she's been sick since my earliest memories...so I was happy to see her pain finally end.

As the days go by now... I just feel emptier and more lost... I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.. that's why I'm posting here. I'm dreading Mother's day more and more.... I tried to help my Husband pick out a card for his Mom...and it all welled up and I haven't been able to pull it together since. Every night when I go to bed the last few days with her keep coming back... she didn't die peacefully needless to say.

At the end she was having grand mal seizures cause her brain wasn't getting oxygen... and I just see those happening over and over when I try to sleep... and the thing that I got hysterical about last night...

She kept having the seizures... then her heart rate would drop to like nothing... then she'd come back.... actually become somewhat conscious again... then she'd have anotehr seizure... Well, finally someone suggested that she couldn't die cause people were there... so that we should leave...

I struggled with it, didn't know what to do.... so I left... now all I can think is that she died alone............ that I left her there and she died all alone. I just wish I hadn't left her.................it's tormenting me now.... they were giving her versid and morphine... alternating it so I don't know how conscicous she really got after that...

so... after maybe 20 minutes the nurse came out and told us they "thought she was gone"

I wish I had hugged her........... I was so scared to do anything cause of allt he tubes and resperator and such... I'm sorry to just rant like this but I just needed to talk to someone... why is it hurting so much worse suddenly after almost 2 months?/??

I don't know if I"m going to make it through this. I was seeing a counselor.. but she got ill so I've been pretty much on my own since November... I just miss her so much...

Lori · 05-05-2005, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marlee

At the end she was having grand mal seizures cause her brain wasn't getting oxygen... and I just see those happening over and over when I try to sleep...

Marlee,

First of all, my condolences. It is so tough to lose a parent. My mother - who died in 2000 - also had many grand mal seizures from her illness and a lot of other horrid stuff that I can't go into. For the longest time I couldn't remember the good times because the bad ones kept coming to me in the middle of the night. I am finally over some of it but it's taken a while. Let's face it...it's awfully traumatic. It takes a while to come to terms with it.

I guess I just want you to know you aren't alone.

Peskie · 05-05-2005, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marlee

I struggled with it, didn't know what to do.... so I left... now all I can think is that she died alone............ that I left her there and she died all alone. I just wish I hadn't left her.................it's tormenting me now.... they were giving her versid and morphine... alternating it so I don't know how conscicous she really got after that...

.........

I wish I had hugged her........... I was so scared to do anything cause of allt he tubes and resperator and such... I'm sorry to just rant like this but I just needed to talk to someone... why is it hurting so much worse suddenly after almost 2 months?/?? (

Ahhh, this post has me crying. I can so identify with this. You're describing me and my daddy and how I felt. Wish I could make you feel better, but I still have those days too.

Just know that it very well may have been meant for you NOT to be there. I don't think I could've handled being there when my dad died, even though I wish I had been. (does that even make sense?)

I have to remind myself frequently that regardless of how I feel, if God had wanted me there, He'd have given me the strength to stay that night. (I'd left because my emotions were on overdrive and I felt like I couldn't continue and still breathe)

Our parents KNOW how we felt deep down I'm sure. I don't think we're taken away without the comfort level to leave knowing who cared the most.

stews · 05-05-2005, 10:57 PM

I'm sorry sleuth. I lost my mom 2 years ago and there are times the pain seems so fresh. I cry, I remember her. I spend the day with my husband and kids. I still have my dad and he lives near me so MOST of the holidays that are hard, I try to spend at least some time with him. I know if the day is hard for me, it's hard on him too.

do something for yourself that will make you feel good. I know it won't take the pain away, but your mom would want you to do something for yourself and be comforted as best as possible.

sleuthfan · 05-06-2005, 04:22 AM

slimforever04: I'm so very sorry for your loss

3 years. Such a long time for some things. Such a short time for grief. Even after 23 years, I still often see something and think, "M would really enjoy that."

I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

hollyrae: thank you for your kindness

Peskie: It's easier on some holidays than others. Since I can't afford to give bouquets or even cards to my elderly disabled friends this year, I'll be saying special prayers for them instead.

Tazcat: Thank you, sweetie. On both counts. You're a good friend

stews: Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're lucky your dad lives nearby. Hopefully, you can help console each other and celebrate your mom's life, reminisce about all the good times.

{{{{Marlee}}}} I'm so, so sorry for your painfully recent loss. My heart goes out to you. I was fortunate my mom didn't suffer; she died of a stroke which was mercifully quick. I cannot imagine the pain of watching your mom suffer like that

But Peskie is right, she knew you loved her, and your spirit and love, and those of her other loved ones, surrounded her, whether you were in the room physically or not. And consider this: she may well not have wanted anyone to see her suffering as she did in those final moments. Wouldn't you want to spare your loved ones if you died as brutally as she did? God works in mysterious ways.

I'm sorry to hear your counselor is now unavailable due to illness. But usually they have back-ups, colleagues who cover for them when they're away. Please call her office to see if they can refer you to someone else. Please. Just express how deep your distress is and I'm sure they'll be able to refer you.

As to why it's suddenly hurting so much after a couple of months, I think I understand why. The shock gets us through the initial mourning period. There's all the funeral and memorial service arrangements, the condolence cards and casseroles, the practical details of settling the estate. And you go through the motions of daily life, in a fog, feeling dazed and disbelieving.
After a couple of months, the reality sets in, or at least it did for me. People STOP expressing their condolences, there are no more sympathy cards, no more casseroles, no more freinds and neighbors calling to ask how you're doing. It's over for them. And you suddenly feel all alone, abandoned, like an orphan, even though you're an adult.

And those who have not been through it, who have not yet lost a parent, cannot understand the depth of your pain. A few months after my mom died, a VP where I worked lost his mother. She was 86 when she died. He stopped by to see me, knowing I'd recently lost my mom as well. He said, "People ask me how old she was when she died. How can they not understand it doesn't matter how old she was. She was my mother." Here's this 62yo old man, sitting in my office, wracked with grief, tears welling in his eyes. He knew I would understand. And, of course, I did. When our loved ones die, it's always too soon, we're never really ready for it.

I'm so sorry for your pain, your deep sense of loss. I have no magic words for you, just heartfelt wishes you're able to find some peace and a counselor who can help you through this. Talk to your DH. Make sure he understands how difficult this is for you, how much you need him to hold you, to listen to you ramble and reminisce about your mom. It's especially important to feel safe and grounded, to not feel alone. Make sure he understands you need him to be there for you.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Marlee · 05-06-2005, 05:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sleuthfan

And those who have not been through it, who have not yet lost a parent, cannot understand the depth of your pain. A few months after my mom died, a VP where I worked lost his mother. She was 86 when she died. He stopped by to see me, knowing I'd recently lost my mom as well. He said, "People ask me how old she was when she died. How can they not understand it doesn't matter how old she was. She was my mother." Here's this 62yo old man, sitting in my office, wracked with grief, tears welling in his eyes. He knew I would understand. And, of course, I did. When our loved ones die, it's always too soon, we're never really ready for it.

I'm so sorry for your pain, your deep sense of loss. I have no magic words for you, just heartfelt wishes you're able to find some peace and a counselor who can help you through this. Talk to your DH. Make sure he understands how difficult this is for you, how much you need him to hold you, to listen to you ramble and reminisce about your mom. It's especially important to feel safe and grounded, to not feel alone. Make sure he understands you need him to be there for you.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

/sigh Thank you Sleuth and everyone... sorry for the rant it just spilled out. Your words make a lot of sense Sleuth... course you were always one smart lady

04-22-2005, 06:34 PM	#1
sleuthfan Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Boston area Posts: 10,292 Gallery: sleuthfan WOE: Atkins - no frankenfoods Start Date: Started 09-01-99	Mother's Day and other difficult times... ::sigh:: Another Mother's Day approaches. This is a really difficult time for me, I've sorely missed my mom ever since she died; and Mother's Day is still like a knife in the heart, even after 23 years. Part of the pain is that I cannot even visit her grave or send flowers there. I know that may seem silly, even trivial to some. It isn't trivial to me. Ironic how I've always made a fuss over holidays (a legacy from my mother), yet they've not been kind to my family. My mom died 3 days before Christmas. My dad had a heart attack two days before Thanksgiving. My mom's birthday was July 5th, so naturally Independence Day brings a pang or two. Mother's Day is the hardest, though. Guess I'll do what I always do: visit church for some quiet reflection the day before. How do you cope with such occasions? __________________ sleuthifer - 105 lbs, lowest weight in 18 years WOOT!

04-22-2005, 07:48 PM	#3
Lori Eachday Join Date: May 2003 Location: New York Posts: 14,636 Gallery: Lori Stats: 20lbs goal/16lbs down/ 4 to go WOE: High Stress Diet	My mom died five years ago. On Mother's day I go to the mausoleum with a white rose. Then I go home and celebrate with my husband and daughter, usually going out for Sunday dinner with my brother and his family. I will never forget but I try to make the day happy for my own girl too. It's not easy. ...my mom's birthday was yesterday. Last edited by Lori : 04-22-2005 at 07:54 PM.

04-24-2005, 05:00 AM	#11
Euphrates MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Cincinnati Posts: 1,930 Gallery: Euphrates Stats: 248.5 (starting 9/1/08)/234/135 WOE: Atkins? Maybe? Still deciding Start Date: June 15, 2003	The last week or so of April is traditionally a rough time emotionally for me for 2 reasons. The first is my daughter's birthday - the child I placed for adoption will turn 21 on May 1st. The second is that 8 years ago my mother died on May 22. Both events are VERY tied to Mother's Day for me, as the last time I saw my mom alive was the Mother's Day 2 weeks before she died. And of course, she was always the one who called me on my daughter's birthday, just so I knew someone else remembered. I was a HUGE wreck the first year after she died when both my dad and my sister called me on Meredith's birthday- it was so sweet of them, and they knew how significant it was for me. The redbuds have been blooming here, which is the flower I associate with my daughter (I saw them out of my hospital window when she was born). It hasn't been one of my "tough years", at least not too bad so far. Of course, TOM is due next week so that may change. Eu - who understands... __________________ Accountability My Fitday: http://fitday.com/fitness/PublicJour...ner=Euphrates1 My health/fitness/low carb blog: http://euphrateswellness.blogspot.com/ As for the rest of my life... My myspace: http://www.myspace.com/mseuphrates And if you really want to keep up with me, come find me here: http://www.livejournal.com:my user name is "mseuphrates", and this is where I update the most. Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. - Robert Heinlein

05-04-2005, 02:05 PM	#18
hollyrae Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 181 Gallery: hollyrae	Hugs

05-05-2005, 02:36 PM	#21
Marlee Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NY Posts: 4,791 Gallery: Marlee WOE: Atkins	It seems like the loss of my Mother is just starting to really hit me. I've never felt so alone in my life. I can't stop crying... She died on March 12th.... it was horrible, horrible to watch... but I felt a lot of relief afterwards... she's been sick since my earliest memories...so I was happy to see her pain finally end. As the days go by now... I just feel emptier and more lost... I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.. that's why I'm posting here. I'm dreading Mother's day more and more.... I tried to help my Husband pick out a card for his Mom...and it all welled up and I haven't been able to pull it together since. Every night when I go to bed the last few days with her keep coming back... she didn't die peacefully needless to say. At the end she was having grand mal seizures cause her brain wasn't getting oxygen... and I just see those happening over and over when I try to sleep... and the thing that I got hysterical about last night... She kept having the seizures... then her heart rate would drop to like nothing... then she'd come back.... actually become somewhat conscious again... then she'd have anotehr seizure... Well, finally someone suggested that she couldn't die cause people were there... so that we should leave... I struggled with it, didn't know what to do.... so I left... now all I can think is that she died alone............ that I left her there and she died all alone. I just wish I hadn't left her.................it's tormenting me now.... they were giving her versid and morphine... alternating it so I don't know how conscicous she really got after that... so... after maybe 20 minutes the nurse came out and told us they "thought she was gone" I wish I had hugged her........... I was so scared to do anything cause of allt he tubes and resperator and such... I'm sorry to just rant like this but I just needed to talk to someone... why is it hurting so much worse suddenly after almost 2 months?/?? I don't know if I"m going to make it through this. I was seeing a counselor.. but she got ill so I've been pretty much on my own since November... I just miss her so much... __________________ Marlee "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." ~ Douglas Adams "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss "The cake is a lie!"

04-22-2005, 07:48 PM	#2
Kiara874 Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 11,316 Gallery: Kiara874 Stats: 196/179/145 WOE: Low Carb Start Date: 11/30/04 and over and over again

04-22-2005, 09:07 PM	#4
Boujie Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Ontario, Canada Posts: 47,299 Gallery: Boujie Stats: Rubenesque / Fluffy / VaVaVoom!	I don't know Sleuth....I don't know how I could cope with the loss of my Mom

04-22-2005, 09:57 PM	#5
mai-ling Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Chicago/Milwaukee Posts: 344 Gallery: mai-ling Stats: Chinese-Polak WOE: Blood Type Diet Start Date: 04-05	We cope daily even tho we don't realize it. Only when certain dates and events that surround them do they ovwhelming hit us hard. I don't know what it is like to lose a parent yet. But I do know what it is like to almost lose one. Every year between July 29 and my b-day I get extremely emotional. My dad had a massive hemmoraghic stroke and it was a week and a half before my b-day. He did survive. But every once in a while I have emotional boughts. Part is horomoes part is memories flooding in. I tend to journal alot. I also try to look at certain aspect of things to see what positive and that makes me emotional to. I find facing these feelings makes me stronger with each waking moment.

04-22-2005, 10:36 PM	#6
Lacey01 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 738 Gallery: Lacey01 WOE: Atkins	My Lovely Mother has been gone for 14 months. I miss her awfully. I thank God I don't miss her more on certain days b-day m-day x-mas. I wake up some nights still crying for her, and low and behold I dreamed of her last night! Her b-day was 4/13. M-day will just be M-day, and probally won't be the day I cry, feel sad, or just want to die.

04-23-2005, 11:03 AM	#7
Marlee Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: NY Posts: 4,791 Gallery: Marlee WOE: Atkins	This will be my first Mother's day without my Mom. I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal with it. She passed away March 12th. We're finally having the burial on May 26th I've seen signs in stores and things about gift ideas... and it just kinda sucks.

04-23-2005, 11:59 AM	#8
Pamalee63 Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Lubbock, TX Posts: 4,735 Gallery: Pamalee63 Stats: 246.5/240.8/175 (highest 260 in 1999) WOE: Atkins Start Date: 11/15/2008	My mom died in 1988, and I still felt pangs when I saw the first sign at the store saying Mother's Day is May 8th. At least this year, Mother's Day doesn't fall on my sister's birthday. It can be so hard for her some years, because she shared a birthday with our oldest sister, who died from leukemia at age 23. Then on top of that our mom died from breast cancer at age 52. Sometimes all you can do is have a good cry. I'm sorry for everyone who has lost their mom, too. Especially the most recent losses. It is really hard.

04-23-2005, 07:03 PM	#9
manalu Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Queen-dumb Posts: 6,257 Gallery: manalu Stats: 26/20/???? WOE: Carb Addicts	I know a woman who celebrates her Mom's life by doing something for someone else. She does something in honor of her Mom, something her Mom would have done in her life. One year, she gave me a card. I opened it and inside was $20.00 with a note telling me that she was honoring her Mom with the gift of helping a single mom. I was so touched by that.

04-23-2005, 08:42 PM	#10
Woman Typing Badly Typos, Typos, As Far As The Eye Can See... Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: in a galaxy far far away..... Posts: 11,920 Blog Entries: 20 Gallery: Woman Typing Badly Stats: gravity is turned off so I weigh nothing! WOE: Jedi Mind Trick	I do not know what it is like to lose my mom or lose a child. I do have a suggestion. Maybe seek out an older lady in your church, workplace or community who would really receive and appreciate the attention and adopt her. She could never take the place of your mom and you could never take the place of her child but there is comfort in reaching out to an older person who feels alone and/or isolated. I have seen this idea in action and it is such a blessing to watch unfold. I hope this was of use to you....

04-24-2005, 08:40 AM	#12
Barbara690 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: southern Colorado Posts: 771 Gallery: Barbara690 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Oct,2003 this time around	My Mother died the day before Mother's Day,it will be two years.The first year was the hardest and I was an emotional wreck.This year I feel I am getting back on track but it will always be a difficult time of year for me.

04-24-2005, 05:53 PM	#13
jenny5309 Blabbermouth!!! Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Connecticut Posts: 5,312 Gallery: jenny5309 Stats: 243/173/150 WOE: JENNY CRAIG!! =) Start Date: 12/8/2006	to you all who have lost your mothers. I don't ever want to think about the day when that happens to me. I wouldn't know what to do.

04-24-2005, 09:42 PM	#14
VocaLisa Senior LCF Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 3,904 Gallery: VocaLisa WOE: Atkins-ish	I'm sorry Sleuth. I haven't lost my Mom, but I dread the day. I have a tendency to take the anniversaries of occasions very hard as well. We had a few deaths in our family around July 4th as well, so not only do I have pangs because of the memories, but there's a slight irrational fear of someone else dying around then too. All I can say is don't hesitate to write/call whenever you need to.

04-24-2005, 09:55 PM	#15
Queen Mab Way too much time on my hands! Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Where everything is wonderful Posts: 31,626 Gallery: Queen Mab Stats: 7/06 174 lbs. - 11/08 124 lbs.	I'm sorry Sleuth. How about inquiring at your local retirement home if they're any lonely guests that would be cheered by a visit. Helping someone else can also help you to forget your pain.

04-25-2005, 03:45 AM	#16
sleuthfan Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Boston area Posts: 10,292 Gallery: sleuthfan WOE: Atkins - no frankenfoods Start Date: Started 09-01-99	Thanks so much for your responses. Wonderful suggestions, which I will take to heart. 10 years ago I broke my right ankle in several places and gained an appreciation for how frustrating it is to be even temporarily disabled. So I started volunteering to help those with disabilities Most of those I assist are elderly. My mom and I shared so much. She loved to cook, loved to read, loved to entertain, was very politically aware and active, loved crossword puzzles. I miss talking with her, laughing with her. I was so proud to be her daughter. For those of you who have lost your moms too, and those who are loathe to even think about how awful it will be when you do, Special hugs for Marlee, Barbara690 and Euphrates, whose wounds are still so fresh I'm so very sorry for your losses. Believe me, I empathize.

05-04-2005, 01:18 PM	#17
slimforever06 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: NC Posts: 2,263 Gallery: slimforever06 Stats: (18)/(4-6) WOE: Atkins! Start Date: 03/2000	I lost my Mom too - it will be three years in September - and not a day goes by that I don't miss her. She was only 65 and died of lung cancer. The past two mother's days I have gone out of town but it really doesn't help. Some really good suggestions on what to do though. Thanks.

05-04-2005, 06:56 PM	#19
Peskie princess peskironi WIT Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: in anticipation of great things! 9600/3102 Posts: 55,900 Gallery: Peskie Stats: I'm not perfect, but close enough to scare me WOE: waiting on the stork to sprinkle quint dust on me Start Date: tomorrow snort	As for dealing with the holidays and such, just take it a moment at a time and try to live in the good memories. Maybe do something in memory of her that she'd be particularly proud of.

05-04-2005, 09:13 PM	#20
Tazcat Carby Cat Join Date: May 2004 Location: amidst the cat hair >^..^< Posts: 33,997 Gallery: Tazcat WOE: Catkins	sleuth, i'm so sorry i miss you.

05-05-2005, 10:57 PM	#24
stews Random WIT Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: in the state of desperation Posts: 53,909 Blog Entries: 20 Gallery: stews Stats: 196/189.4/135 OR size 20-22/14-16/4-6 WOE: Learning2Lose with Jackie Brown Start Date: restarted 11/9/08	I'm sorry sleuth. I lost my mom 2 years ago and there are times the pain seems so fresh. I cry, I remember her. I spend the day with my husband and kids. I still have my dad and he lives near me so MOST of the holidays that are hard, I try to spend at least some time with him. I know if the day is hard for me, it's hard on him too. do something for yourself that will make you feel good. I know it won't take the pain away, but your mom would want you to do something for yourself and be comforted as best as possible. __________________ "If you have a dream, go for it. No one is stopping you, except yourself!" - Anon I my Snark and WIT sisters I'm a part of the 50 million pound challenge myspace

05-06-2005, 04:22 AM	#25
sleuthfan Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Boston area Posts: 10,292 Gallery: sleuthfan WOE: Atkins - no frankenfoods Start Date: Started 09-01-99	slimforever04: I'm so very sorry for your loss 3 years. Such a long time for some things. Such a short time for grief. Even after 23 years, I still often see something and think, "M would really enjoy that." I'll be thinking of you this weekend. hollyrae: thank you for your kindness Peskie: It's easier on some holidays than others. Since I can't afford to give bouquets or even cards to my elderly disabled friends this year, I'll be saying special prayers for them instead. Tazcat: Thank you, sweetie. On both counts. You're a good friend stews: Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're lucky your dad lives nearby. Hopefully, you can help console each other and celebrate your mom's life, reminisce about all the good times. {{{{Marlee}}}} I'm so, so sorry for your painfully recent loss. My heart goes out to you. I was fortunate my mom didn't suffer; she died of a stroke which was mercifully quick. I cannot imagine the pain of watching your mom suffer like that But Peskie is right, she knew you loved her, and your spirit and love, and those of her other loved ones, surrounded her, whether you were in the room physically or not. And consider this: she may well not have wanted anyone to see her suffering as she did in those final moments. Wouldn't you want to spare your loved ones if you died as brutally as she did? God works in mysterious ways. I'm sorry to hear your counselor is now unavailable due to illness. But usually they have back-ups, colleagues who cover for them when they're away. Please call her office to see if they can refer you to someone else. Please. Just express how deep your distress is and I'm sure they'll be able to refer you. As to why it's suddenly hurting so much after a couple of months, I think I understand why. The shock gets us through the initial mourning period. There's all the funeral and memorial service arrangements, the condolence cards and casseroles, the practical details of settling the estate. And you go through the motions of daily life, in a fog, feeling dazed and disbelieving. After a couple of months, the reality sets in, or at least it did for me. People STOP expressing their condolences, there are no more sympathy cards, no more casseroles, no more freinds and neighbors calling to ask how you're doing. It's over for them. And you suddenly feel all alone, abandoned, like an orphan, even though you're an adult. And those who have not been through it, who have not yet lost a parent, cannot understand the depth of your pain. A few months after my mom died, a VP where I worked lost his mother. She was 86 when she died. He stopped by to see me, knowing I'd recently lost my mom as well. He said, "People ask me how old she was when she died. How can they not understand it doesn't matter how old she was. She was my mother." Here's this 62yo old man, sitting in my office, wracked with grief, tears welling in his eyes. He knew I would understand. And, of course, I did. When our loved ones die, it's always too soon, we're never really ready for it. I'm so sorry for your pain, your deep sense of loss. I have no magic words for you, just heartfelt wishes you're able to find some peace and a counselor who can help you through this. Talk to your DH. Make sure he understands how difficult this is for you, how much you need him to hold you, to listen to you ramble and reminisce about your mom. It's especially important to feel safe and grounded, to not feel alone. Make sure he understands you need him to be there for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.