The Game of Life

My comment on the above? Makes me want to EAT, a lot!

Not that eating solves anything - but it sure knocks me out and saves me from having to cope with reality. Agh!

I'm not eating as I write this. But I think I'll stir up a hot slosh, just to make sure I don't go grazing for carbs!

Just reporting that I was able to hang on to my resolve as I mixed and drank up 40g of protein last night (this ayem? midnight it was!) in what I call a HOT CHICKY-CHOCY SLURP - 16oz of LC emergency rations - 2scoops of vanilla WPP+cacao+chicken bouillon+VCO that stirs up fast and helps me hang on when I think nothing but a bellyful of carbs will work. I stuck to my LC guns! I'm a LC winner! I survived the night!

It's a blooming miracle. I feel a HaPpYdance coming on. Time for another hot slurp, as I get myself ready for another successful LC day today! Just WPP+espresso+cacao+VCO for this one!

Good for you going for the slosh instead.

I feel I have become cut off from others, too, because of my illness. It's difficult for me to maintain friendships. I can't live up to my end of the expectations.

I believe we need people in our lives, yes, but not negative or draining people. For the most part they do more damage than good. One can only decide for themselves what to do. I struggle almost daily over my relationship with my mother.

I'm glad I can drop in and say hi now.

Ah, so good to hear from you, Lisa. Miss you. Hope you and the kidlets are well. I'm dodging a cold that has a lot of folks here coughing deep in their chest. Hope I can avoid catching THAT, as coughing tears up my hinky hip!

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can get past it.

You know I had been sick before Christmas and it's continuing. I went to the doctor after Christmas and was checked out. No infection and everything was clear and I was given cough syrup. Almost three weeks later, still coughing and my cough had changed. I had bronchitis and possibily asthma. I had no infection again, but was given meds to help with the wheezing and breathing. Well, I ended up sicker, coughing more, vomiting, dizzy, weak, sore gum, dry eyes, headaches and trots. I finally made the connection to my twice daily medicine, I get deathly ill after taking it and when I start feeling better, it's time to start taking it again and so the cycle went.

I did some research on the net and I found out I wasn't nuts. I took my last dose this morning and will be getting a hold of the doctor tomorrow and tell her there is no way I am taking that medicine.

Alexandra got the chicken pox and I'm waiting to see if Eli is going to get them. The waiting game.

Take care of yourself.

Zer,
It is amazing how easy it is to become reclusive. I have been a hermit except for my immediate family for most of my adult life. I mean to the point of almost obsesive compulsive behaviors about where was safe for me to go and where I couldn't force myself to tread.
The birth of my only grandson 3 years ago gave me a big kick in the rear. I have kept him full time since he was 4 weeks old and thank God I realized I had to change. I had to get out of my safe place a little each day so as not to burden him with my anxiety. Here I am 3 years later and am much better. I am not a social butterfly and won't ever be. By taking baby steps for this amount of time I can brave many situations that would have had me reaching for a Xanax.
I urge you to reach out a little each day and explore who you can be sure of. I remember you mentioned a Christmas gift from a sister. Start with her..a 5 minute phone call may help you to reconnect with her and others.
I am enjoying your posts in the century club challenge. Please keep posting. Good job on staying out of carb hell!
Jean

Jean, my primary contact is a younger sister who is very busy with her daughters and a 16mo-old g'daughter now.

We have hit a rough spot, indicating basic differences, and I feel very lost and alone.

I realize that I overlook a lot to stay in touch - and that this is not really a strong bond that can withstand much testing. Better to break it off now, force myself to face facts and find real support than to maintain the illusion of a dependable bond. I am a liability to her, as she strives NOT to burden her kids and to be available to them for what they need from her - and she has a primary obligation to her own kids. I am not often willing to admit that she is not emotionally or otherwise available to me. She is a phone contact, but not if her daughters or g'daughter are at hand.

I think I need to let it sink in, that I cannot expect much from her. As my need for assistance grows, I must find other supports. Maybe then I can have a casual and superficial relationship with my sister and not regret its fragility, not burden myself with hope that she can be a friend who is ready to help out. She fears being asked to do more than an occasional phone call. I can see it.

Anyway, she's my ace in the hole. My only local contact, even if she is so far away that we see each other about twice a year. And once in a while, I can see that it's more than she can do, more than she wants to be called on for. That's what is happening right now, as we have a conflict that is a bit more drama than I want in my life. Harsh words are not a part of anything that I want in my life. Been there. Done that. Find it very upsetting. Don't want that as a part of my life. Just want support. How do I find that?

Lisa, so sorry your med seems to have worse side effects than the ailment for which the med is prescribed. My MD told me "there are tradeoffs" when I showed her pink spots and splotches all over my body after a month of taking a small dose of a pain med that did not do much to reduce the pain in my hip/groin. I quit the med, against MD advice. I have not been back to the HMO since that visit. I guess I'd rather not have side effects, rather cope with the pain. It took TWO MONTHS for the spots and grainy under-skin texture to subside!

I hope you can work yourself an herbal remedy that will help you hang on while you cope with the kids' chicken pox. Hope they both get the pox and get over it all at the same time, instead of you having to handle it twice.

Eleanor Roosevelt's advice seems to me to fit my current dilemma (as on 'horns of', not a comfortable position), as she advises: At this moment, I'm feeling as if it is reasonable to withdraw from a situation in which there is more DRAMA than I feel is healthy for a relationship.

Thinking of a line from "Under the Tuscan Sun" in which someone says a relationship has to come together easily for all parties if it is to be a successful effort, a joyful relationship. Seems to me, this is good advice. I hope I can accept that even a long-time (lifetime) relationship might not be guaranteed to work. Maybe it's wise to just face facts, give up, move on.

My mother (deceased in 1989) once asked me, her adult firstborn child (not a parent, which I think might be relevant), why I asked so much of her, why I pestered her to be a friend, why I did not 'just send a mother's day card once a year and be done with it' as (she said) my younger sisters (both single parents) did. I replied that I thought we shared a love of words and might find in a friendship what we had not discovered in a mother-daughter relationship. I was seeking some common ground, someplace we could meet without guilt or recriminations or expectations.

What more can one ask of a relationship?

Someone at LCFriends is asking about Asperger's. This is part of what I offered, as I've been watching a certain DVD over and over and over lately, keeping to myself as I strive to avoid the pitfalls of sharing facilities with people who enjoy a lot of carby food that I seem unable to resist snacking on! I'm hanging out away from the kitchen/dining area, in hopes of getting a good reading on my scale and finding my way to THREEdom before the end of April. So, I am comforting myself in any way that feels right to me.

"Harvey" is a James Stewart film that I just love. Lately I've been watching this film as a soothing view of a gentle man who may be displaying Aspie characteristics. I'm not sure. I just find it comforting. It's a glimpse into a gentle mind of a man who operates on his own terms in a world that swirls around him full of intrigue and conspiracy that he takes no note of except to ascribe the highest motives to those who would do him in by putting him away.

I find that typically Aspie, as it reflects my 30yr disasterous work career in publishing among unscrupulous folk totally lacking in character or work ethic. Also may reflect my own family dynamic, come to think of it. My parents are dead and my sibs are not available - or are toxic - to me. I'm just now electing to seek out supportive people instead of feeling 'less than' as I seek approval from those who do not share my core values. It's been a long painful decision to excuse myself from people who give me short shrift.

Thanks to my Aspie nature (unrecognized by me until I was 60 and out of work with a 30yr career in shambles at my feet), I was able to start each day pretty much hopeful that things would work out in a way that would allow me to work and to complete tasks to earn money to pay the rent. Work itself gave me a joy that nothing else gave me, so I became a workaholic. That fell apart when I lost my career and had to develop another persona. There's nothing sadder than an unemployed workaholic, with no job description to hide behind, no way to describe who I am. Scary? You bet!

My Aspie insouciance is probably a factor in griping the guts of folks online as well as f2f who find me less interested in their intrigues than in my tasks. I've been dumped from lists for not recognizing signals that I was not welcome to be a hopeful poster, a member like other members. I've been dumped from jobs or denied promotion because I do not pick up social signals that are essential to ascending any corporate ladder. I am definitely task-oriented and able to ignore people whose annoying habits are a mystery to me. Fact is, I miss a LOT of social cues that are essential to having a successful career. I just do not catch subtle facial cues at all, so am likely to take at face value the empty words that are offered to cover the most hideous office intrigues and plotting by upwardly mobile inepts. Sigh.

Just had a nightmare of being back in the pits, the cubes, with juniors right out of college who had no concept of performing a day's work. What hell that was, to be in charge of training youngsters who felt their degree was all they needed to deserve a paycheck. No drive to do the work required daily. Sigh. Kids showed up late, left early, took long lunches, skipped out to see matinees without any official notice. All that was part of their careers that were more successful than mine, as I ground out work in a way that rarely won me acknowledgement or kudos. Nightmare comes back occasionally as I try to figure out how I might better have managed some awkward situations. Still trying to work that out, decades after the event blindsided me.

Happy was I to wake up in my own bed, no longer in charge of these trifling young people, most of whom are probably successfully climbing a career ladder that I was never part of, never considered suitable to move up. I was told that I was not even ON a career ladder, although I was tolerated for my ability to accomplish massive amounts of work at a higher standard than anyone else cared to display.

I was a nonstarter, as Princess Diana referred to herself in an interview that asked if she thought she would ever be Queen. She said "No. I'm seen as a non-starter." Sigh.

Sure sounds gloomy for a Friday morn. But I see this all as a bit of unwrapping of a Chinese puzzle, a gift that one has to unwind to find the treasures that are contained in a ball of colorful fabric. That's what this feels like to me. Isn't that an Aspie way of tweaking the kaleidoscope of life?

Tony Attwood's list of Aspie positive traits/gifts is a goldmine that is useful in writing resumes.

Aspies are not team players, but we have incredible talents that ARE useful and that deserve consideration. I'd encourage an Aspie to find a way to earn a living by Aspie gifts, not to depend on a paycheck from a biz that might not find an Aspie an asset.

Robison (author of "Look Me in the Eye") found a niche in starting his own biz based on his skills and a market need. I'd think of that as a good way to escape the penalty for not fitting in well in a corporate world. What I think I'd stress for anyone interested in helping an Aspie adjust to an irrational world is that there are ways to manage, using Aspie positive traits.

Googling to see if I can find Attwood's list of Aspie positive traits, I found a site that looks promising: The triad of advantages - Wild Aspies - tribe.net has a posting by "Moonmom" (wonder if this might be Eliz.Moon, author of "Speed of Dark", the book that led me to discover my Aspie dx at 60; seems possible, but I'm not sure) that nicely sums up what I've seen listed as Attwood's list of Aspie positives.

Lots of stuff online about Asperger's, much of it written by Aspies who have survived and who have much to share with Aspies not yet sure they will survive. We are a gifted group, we Aspies. Be proud of your Aspie gifts!

The WildAspie site looks like a valuable BB for Aspies like me, just discovering the awful power that lies under our shame at not fitting in, at walking alone like Kipling's Cat.

Ah, Kipling. Bet he was Aspie. I've always felt an affinity for his work, his writing, his life lived among alien cultures. Only among an alien culture do I feel reasonably safe from being set out as 'not fitting in' - for among aliens, how can I be anything but a visitor, a guest, an observer. Fits me fine!

Kipling's "The Cat That Walked by Himself" may be viewed at http://www.boop.org/jan/justso/cat.htm