Sometimes I wish I were emotionless
As look in the the mirror lately I find myself more and more disgusting. I am more humiliated everytime I see myself. I feel sad about it and I soften the feelings by eating. I wish I could understand what makes my mind convince me that I need to eat to comfort the sadness of being fat. There is no logic to it. I can sit and tell myself how ridiculous the thought of eating because I feel bad for being fat is, and it makes sense. But when it comes down to it I cannot control my emotions enough to restrain myself.
I guess really I am unhappy because I am the fattest that I have ever been. I have passed my all time weight high, by about 30lbs. I knew I was gaining a lot again, but I just never stepped on the scale. When I finally did what a shock! I honestly almost vomited!! I have folds and creases in places that I never have. I cannot walk distances anymore. I am killing myself slowly everyday. I am taking years off my life every day.
I really want to change. I just need to focus and find my motivation. My DD took a picture of me setting in a chair at the campground. When I saw it I had to flip back to it. I just stared at it. I was in total shock at the size of my body. My legs are massive. I have never had thin pretty legs ever, but now they look like tree stumps.
I cry sometimes and wonder how my DH can still love me. He has told me he worries that I won't be with him as long as he would like but he has never said I am fat or that I need to lose weight. He would never do that to me. But as I lay my super size body next to his I have to wonder how he finds it in his heart to still love me. I am disgusting, honestly, I am.
I am ashamed of what I have become. I am the side show fat lady. I am going to be one of those super obese people that cannot get out of their homes. I have to find a way to get my life back.
I know the do's and don't's of LC. Heck I have been very successful at it. I know it works. So why can't I just do it?
I guess really I am unhappy because I am the fattest that I have ever been. I have passed my all time weight high, by about 30lbs. I knew I was gaining a lot again, but I just never stepped on the scale. When I finally did what a shock! I honestly almost vomited!! I have folds and creases in places that I never have. I cannot walk distances anymore. I am killing myself slowly everyday. I am taking years off my life every day.
I really want to change. I just need to focus and find my motivation. My DD took a picture of me setting in a chair at the campground. When I saw it I had to flip back to it. I just stared at it. I was in total shock at the size of my body. My legs are massive. I have never had thin pretty legs ever, but now they look like tree stumps.
I cry sometimes and wonder how my DH can still love me. He has told me he worries that I won't be with him as long as he would like but he has never said I am fat or that I need to lose weight. He would never do that to me. But as I lay my super size body next to his I have to wonder how he finds it in his heart to still love me. I am disgusting, honestly, I am.
I am ashamed of what I have become. I am the side show fat lady. I am going to be one of those super obese people that cannot get out of their homes. I have to find a way to get my life back.
I know the do's and don't's of LC. Heck I have been very successful at it. I know it works. So why can't I just do it?
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