Bad Evening Yesterday - A New Start Today

I was doing very well until last night when I binged on junk food. From the choices I made (chocolate brownie ice cream - I don't even like chocolate ice cream that much! - and BBQ chips) and what I left behind, it's pretty clear it was PMS cravings (salt, chocolate). Like clockwork, the depressed feeling that I felt right before I went back to eating low carb and more protein is back this morning.

I am disappointed but not beaten. I just need to stay focused. I think part of my downfall the past few months has been trying to put pressure on myself to "look thinner" because I'm anxious about this "vacation" I have coming up in May. My family has always been very critical of me in every way (their way of keeping their own egos pumped - sort of like putting someone down so you can raise yourself up - not in a mean way - they meant well - but, as the saying goes, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions") and my mom is especially sensitive to body image and weight. She had me on Weight Watchers at the age of 14 and I've had troubles with binge eating and yo-yo dieting ever since (not blaming her - it was a lot my own fault for not finding other ways to relieve my own anxiety and feelings of low self-worth). I am purposely not weighing myself, not measuring myself or thinking about any numbers because she's fixated on numbers and I know the first thing she's going to ask me is how much I weigh. I want to be able to say I don't know and I don't care.

I think the most realistic goal I can set for myself, now that I have about 15 days until I leave, is to stay with my protein-rich, reduced carb eating plan for right now and let it do it's magic on my mood and my binge eating cravings. I know that I try to take on too much at once - eating low carb, eating vegan, eating whole foods - and that crashes me as well. Right now I just need to focus on staying low carb and focus on how good it makes me feel. So I'm eating a little dairy, so I might eat a little processed food - it's not going to kill me! But falling back into the trap of eating junk food IS going to kill me eventually.

I've come to realize that for me, weight is not about how I look as much as how I feel psychologically. When I'm overweight, I feel crappy about myself inside, no matter how I look outside. So I have to focus on what makes me feel good inside.

Tam