Porn & Men....

OMG! I'm sorry! I would be so upset!!

Schoochnski, it's not your problem he would do it if he had the 'most beautiful woman', and I'm sure you are lovely. Truly, it is a problem with himself, not you. I know it's hard not to take it personally but I'm married to someone with a different problem and have come to realize after all these years that no matter who he was with he would have the problem. So, either I let it go, deal with it the best I can or? I have never felt like I should leave, used to pack his bags but that never worked. I hope it helps you to know that it has nothing to do with you. YOU ARE NOT DEFECTIVE, YOU ARE PRECIOUS and LOVELY - please know that. Love and all the best to you.

The worst thing is that I caught him once before and told him how much it hurt me and how much it underminded my physical realationship with him. And he promised he would never do it again.
And then I wake up and catch him in the "act" and he says that he's been doing it for weeks now. The only reason I didn't find out sooner is because he "wipes" the history on the computer clean so it doesn't show where he's been.
He says that he does it because I don't want to have sex anymore. But how could I? It's obvious that these skinny girls like the ones in his porn vids are what turns him "on" cause I have never seen him looking at any plus sized porn actresses. And I know that they exist!
Kind of hard to feel sexy with that knowledge.


Man....I need a cookie.....

My husband doesn't look at that stuff "that I know of" but I'm always AMAZED that I turn him on. I have gained so much weight since we first started dating!

I know it hurts,,,,I would be upset but I say give him a reason NOT to look at it. This might be too personal but do you feel like having sex? I'm sure he would think it is very sexy for you to come on to him!!

I would "come onto" him if I felt attractive.
But knowing that he prefers the women that look like the girls in porn is a HUGE turnoff to me. I want to physically connect to someone who thinks I'm sexy. THE WAY I AM. I'll never look like one of those girls. Even after I lose all this weight, I'm going to have sagging skin and stretch marks and I don't even want to *THINK* about what my breasts are going to look like! After nursing two babies & gaining then losing so much weight!!!? They are probably going to look like deflated ballons!
Mmmmm yeah... *THAT'S* sexy.... NOT!!!
So without some serious surguery, I'm never going to look like that. And as far as I'm concerned, if that's what he needs to "get off" then he should look elsewhere.
Let him find some slim, slinky sex goddess that wants to **** all the time! She won't be me. Women like that aren't happy with whatever is "leftover" after the husband and the kids are placated. Women like that are high maintenance and he's selfish. I don't think it will work.
Sorry 'bout the rant. I know you are just trying to help. I'm just afraid it's beyond that at this point.

It's true that losing weight will increase your sex drive and better your sex life but the porn thing is a separate issue. My husband had that problem and we are in therapy now because my discovering it did so much damage that we are now trying to work through the anger and repair the damage. Porn is everywhere and many men grew up with it. It was perfectly normal for them to find magazines in their fathers office,bedroom etc.
In 2009 it's internet and videos...much worse I'm afraid. But porn is something they grew up with and their mothers tolerated having it in the house. I found it intolerable. I don't allow porn in our house and have put internet blockers on all our computers. My husband is no longer allowed to bring his laptop home. We have daughters and porn exploits women. We have a son and he will learn that viewing pornograpy is unacceptable and disrespectful. So bottom line..it's up to you to make it stop or I promise it will continue no matter how much weight you loose. Convey to him how hurtful it is to you and ask that he stop out of love for you and your relationship. If that doesn't work, counseling may be in order.

Great post, sh2446! I totally agree!
I'm also planning to have him watch the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron.
Hopefully that will help as well.

Yes we saw fireproof twice. Once because I wanted him to see it with me and the second time at our church. The message in fireproof is great and men can relate to it. The Christian message is strong....I think what has helped the most for me is my faith. Now I am working on trust and forgiveness. I want to be able to move on so I can focus on a better me and lose weight!

I like the lesson in it about how a marriage is a "partnership".
The movie does make a lot of valid points.
But, since we are not Christians, I could have done without that part.
Still a good movie, though! Couldn't believe that some of those actors were real people from the church!

I'm working on the trust and forgivness thing too. But I keep asking myself how many times should I let him hurt me and then forgive him? Seems to me that this sends the message to him that " forgivness is easier to get than permission".
And I'm not about to be ANYONE'S door mat!

Good luck to you!!!