wow- I have never had a blog before

Maybe this can be the start of something new for me.

I am 46 SAHM. 19 yr old DD, 13 DS and 11 DS. and of course the husband.

I have no idea what I weigh right now. Probably 2XX. Last month at the doc I think it was 205#. I have been STUFFING my face lately(why) and yesterday had to put on the 'FAT' blue pants.

I am a long time dieter. Probably since grade school. Looking back at what I looked like then, I wonder why I thought I was so fat. I wasn't. But probably not as skinny as the skinny girls and I certainly was not active so probably blubbery.

Right after the birth of my 3rd, my sister died of a brain tumor. I was very depressed for a long time. I had gained alot while pregnant and just kept stuffing my face after that.

Its really kind of a blur. At one point I remember weighing around 185 and my sister turned me on to low carb. I think I got down 15-20 pounds before I gave up. I did see low carb as the 'answer' for me tho. I was not starving like I was on low fat diets.

Depression? not sure. I think I ate my way to 240#. I was(and am) really unhappy with my marriage/life.

In around 2002, my sisters talked me into going on a cruise. Of course we all dieted for it. I lost about 20# so I was still horribly overweight. More importantly, the cruise and planning it helped lift the depression for me.

For a long time, I did not really diet. I think just not going crazy got me down another 10 or so. But, I did not really weigh myself. Doing that would just depress me. I do remember being on diets here and there(always low carb), but I could never really stick to it.

In Dec 2006, my mom went in for colon cancer surgery. It went well, until being in the hospital nearly killed her. She went into CHF(IMO because the docs did not get her back on her meds soon enough), had a mini stroke(she had to be off blood thinners for the surgery) and got C-Diff(antibiotics for the surgery). She was in the hospital and rehab and then out at my sisters for months because of these complications. It was awful to see her go from a woman that was fairly independent to one who could no longer drive and was basically stuck in the house until one of us took her somewhere. She finally got home in March of 2007, but it just was not the same for her.

This scared me! I looked at myself and the way I treated my body. I was smoking. Candy was the main staple of my diet. In April 2007 I quit smoking and went on low carb. I am happlily smoke free(well, I could still go for one), but the low carb? I don't do so well.

I was off/on/off/on untill finally in the fall, I said screw it, its too close to the holidays, I am going to wait and start after Christmas. I ate sooo much junk that I scared myself. I was picturing becoming one of those women who are bedridden because they are so fat. So the day after Christmas, I hopped on the low carb train and was doing great. I did not really lose alot, but I tried to deal with that the best I could. I was proud of myself for sticking with it. I had never made it more than a couple of weeks without starting to cheat.
At the end of March, I found out an online friend had pancreatic cancer. She was young, had a young daughter, a husband who loved her- she was very kind a smart. and had just been given a death sentence. I ate candy that day. I forgave myself and moved on and got back on. But, that was the start of slipping up again.

My niece is getting married in 2 weeks. Over the late spring and summer there were many starts and stops at losing the weight. exercising. None of them ever lasted more than a day.

For the past few weeks, I have been on a constant stuff my face diet. Candy, chips, Nothing even remotely resembling normal food.

I am trying again today. I have no chance of even losing 10# by the wedding(not that I will weigh myself anyhow). I am hoping I can just get rid of the sugar bloat and feel better about myself. Putting on the big blue pants yesterday because the others were uncomfortable was depressing. heck, the ones that were too tight had been loose when I was dieting. I almost got rid of these pants because they were too baggy.

lets hope they get that way again!

so- starting point= big blue pants

I think I am gonna go have some cheesdogs for BF