I have decided to start a journal and hopefully it will keep me focused and motivated.
I am sort of in a place between confusion and giving up completely lately.. My addictions to food and the trauma that goes with it is debilitating at the best of times. I want to be healthy, confident and sure of tomorrow, sure of my diet and menu planning. The day starts off well, usually, then I start to obsess about food and calories and maintenance and everything. I always eat lc, but sometimes I binge lc as well, I am not happy with this, it is a daily fight for me. Today I will focus on taking back control and not feeling bloated and yukky.

More to life? You bet Posted 11-28-2008 at 02:03 AM by madonna1 Well I am feeling a little better of late and maintaining my weight. This is always a number one concern of mine. I have been exercising and that always makes me feel more in control and cardio (which I hate) is on my list of top priorities. Trying to keep busy and less obsessive about everything is taking hard work and I sometimes fail, but I will succeed, I will if I allow myself to be forgiven and not so concerned with perfection. I have to change so much of my thought process and the way I perceive things it is exhausting and scary sometimes. I have to live through this and get over... Continue reading... madonna1 Junior LCF Member

Posted in Uncategorized Comments 0

disordered thinking Posted 11-14-2008 at 12:37 AM by madonna1 Today I am feeling somewhat more inspired to get back on track. Why is it when we fall off the wagon it is so difficult to get back on? I know the answer it is just so frustrating that I cannot follow my own advice. DH doesn't know the intimate details of my struggles with food addiction. Quite frankly I prefer it this way, I couldn't bear to be watched and monitored and even if it wasn't obvious, it would be shameful for me. The other day he told me I look so much better than he had seen me in a while, I should have interpreted this as a compliment. Not me, I took it as a sign that I had... Continue reading... madonna1 Junior LCF Member

Posted in Uncategorized Comments 1

	I sometimes forget Posted 11-13-2008 at 05:56 AM by madonna1 that I am not alone and there are others like me on this board that are struggling as well. I always feel motivated when someone takes back control and does a 360 degree turnaround for the better, it inspires me and makes it all seem so worthwhile. madonna1 Junior LCF Member
	Posted in Uncategorized Comments 1

The past few weeks Posted 11-13-2008 at 05:44 AM by madonna1 I've been awful, although I have tried to stick to plan I have failed enough times to scare myself. The bingeing has been getting the better of me and bulimia has reared her head once again. The numbing of the binge is what calls me. Their is nothing quite so numbing and fulfilling for me as food when it comes to escaping my thoughts. The trans like state I enter is for me pure bliss and nothing compares to it. If thre was something I could do that had half the fulfilling aspects, I would grab it with arms outstretched. I am traumatised by the dieting I never want to stop, it is me it defines... Continue reading... madonna1 Junior LCF Member

Posted in Uncategorized Comments 2

I am so frustrated with me Posted 10-15-2008 at 12:35 AM by madonna1 I cannot seem to get out of this cycle of cheating lately, which always makes me feel somewhat out of control, which always makes me binge and guilt follows. It is so frustrating to start the day off with good intentions and then succumb to the same old run of the mill feelings at the end of the day. Stop this cycle, I repeat and repeat to myself. Well today I start fresh and forget about the guilt and all the mistakes I have made in the past week, I am so going to make this work for me I have to give myself credit sometimes and stop bullying myself so much. madonna1 Junior LCF Member

Posted in Uncategorized Comments 2