My addictive Personality

I want to thank you Father that it has never carried me into drugs or alcohol.

I have always had an addictive personality as far back as I can recall at age 10 it was the telephone then from yapping to friends all day to calling chat lines. Chatlines became my life lol they were the one place I could be a size whatever lol... I remember talking to folks and lying my butt off.
I was mixed with green eyes , black curly hair and weighed 165 lbs lol or so my silly behind wished. I started young too about 12 oh did I forget to mention I was also 18?

Then that became old and I became myself because the word thick had so many definitions (Yall hear me now) Who did not love the word thick it reminded you of a good milkshake. Well chatlines passed because in all honesty once I stopped lying not eveyone I met had.

In between this phase I loved the boys and whatever attention they offered as long as it was not calling me fat. I will place that blame on abuse and lack of a father figure.
I had boobs at 11 so it was not hard for the boys to like me back. I had also lost my virginity at 11 to a 17 year old. Yeh in my
world I was known as fast tailed! What the hell did they know??? Through my teens I had many partners and was more often than not unsafe. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I was on a mission to hurt others before being hurt. I was the player not the one getting played by someone other than of course MYSELF!

I have to pause here and say Thank You God for you were truly always my Father when I was searching for one and you kept me safe Father, you kept me disease free Father, you kept me from pregnancies Father and I can vouch for your presence because I know it was you. It was not me God it was not my mother God all praises to you for keeping me even when I did not know I was being kept.

Fast forward to my 20's oh here is my new addiction the internet of course! Chatrooms and surfing and games and all that good stuff. By now I was giving normal men a chance but I was still having a bit of a time being faithful especially to the good guys.

Why is it that I liked the wrong men and fell for them whole heartedly each time and quickly. I now lived alone and boy did I make soem mistakes there. Some that knocked the wind frommy chest like coming home to all my electronics being gone casue I was silly enough to leave my key with someone I knew all of 2 weeks, and then having to lie about it to the good guy. Oh and the one who was going to help me get the place together and had some of the best sheet action whose baby momma called me and asked who I was??

Ok it was not all bad I did have 2 very good relationships that I managed to screw up because hey in my eyes was I worthy of something so good? I ended one by saying summers here and I know you want to go out and stuff and I dont want to. LOL I had a man who did not care what size I was but I let my insecurites push him away. BTW I was at that time maybe a size 18.

So then I started to also think that I could not have children.. I mean looking at my lifestyle I should have had at least 5 lol.

Well of course I could go on & on but I am now addicted to World of WarCraft so maybe tomorrow.