november 7
Posted 11-07-2009 at 04:10 PM by Eliza_Jazz
I think too much. I sometimes get bogged down in so much thinking and so many theories in my mind that I become confused. I think too much because I am an Aquarian. And a woman. And while I am thinking and weighing options and ramification and what could...if.... people are out there doing. I envy them. I want to be like them. I envy people who don't have a weight problem. I know, i know, everyone has problems, but in addition to all the problems everyone has, I also have a weight problem.
When I bend my head down for more than I few seconds, my double chin cuts down my air supply and I feel it. I can barely trim my toenails and I can only do it in certain body positions. And yes, I only have 3 pairs of long pants that fit me. So it takes a lot of resourcefulness to get dressed for work in the morning when most of the clothes you have don't fit you. I am afraid to fly because I cram other passengers. I don't go out because I don't know where to take my fat a$$.
So there it is. I am grumpy and I am sick of it. for God's sake, I've been on a diet every day since I was 10! That's quite a few winters, and summers, and falls, and springs if you ask me. Always feeling fat and insufficient and like I don't deserve to be there.
I often wonder, what would my life have been like if I wasn't fat? Would I have done better in all areas of my life? Would I have loved myself more? Would I have had more friends? Better job opportunities? Easier life? Who is to tell. I honestly don't know. I suspect I would have had it better and easier, but can't tell for sure.
I don't even want to diet anymore. And who can blame me? I have been dieting for the past 32 years. Did you hear me? Not the past 3.2 years, the past 32 years! Who wouldn't get tired of this cr@p? Same old, same old. And yet, here I stand with no hope of ever making it after so many years of trying. Nothing has clicked, I have not yet figured it out. Will I die with this unresolved failure on my hands?
I just don't care anymore....
When I bend my head down for more than I few seconds, my double chin cuts down my air supply and I feel it. I can barely trim my toenails and I can only do it in certain body positions. And yes, I only have 3 pairs of long pants that fit me. So it takes a lot of resourcefulness to get dressed for work in the morning when most of the clothes you have don't fit you. I am afraid to fly because I cram other passengers. I don't go out because I don't know where to take my fat a$$.
So there it is. I am grumpy and I am sick of it. for God's sake, I've been on a diet every day since I was 10! That's quite a few winters, and summers, and falls, and springs if you ask me. Always feeling fat and insufficient and like I don't deserve to be there.
I often wonder, what would my life have been like if I wasn't fat? Would I have done better in all areas of my life? Would I have loved myself more? Would I have had more friends? Better job opportunities? Easier life? Who is to tell. I honestly don't know. I suspect I would have had it better and easier, but can't tell for sure.
I don't even want to diet anymore. And who can blame me? I have been dieting for the past 32 years. Did you hear me? Not the past 3.2 years, the past 32 years! Who wouldn't get tired of this cr@p? Same old, same old. And yet, here I stand with no hope of ever making it after so many years of trying. Nothing has clicked, I have not yet figured it out. Will I die with this unresolved failure on my hands?
I just don't care anymore....
Total Comments 1
Comments
|
I know exactly how you feel!!!
|
 
|
Recent Blog Entries by Eliza_Jazz
- My parents (11-21-2009)
- my childhood and early ears and fat (11-21-2009)
- Mood better today (11-08-2009)
- november 7 (11-07-2009)
- November 1st (11-01-2009)
