November 1st
Posted 11-01-2009 at 10:53 AM by Eliza_Jazz
Oh yeah, it is just like me to start a blog and not post on it for about 5 months or so... But no beating myself up over this, or anything else.
Life is tough as it is, and since I was a child, I have been my severest critic. I criticized myself into the ground. I didn't know how to love myself or accept myself for my faults. I failed to realize that we are all human and we are all insufficient in some ways. And that it is OK. I somehow thought that everyone had it together except for me.
It has only been in the past 3-5 years that I have started forgiving myself for not being perfect. I realize now I am not going to be the perfect Martha Stewart homemaker, the perfect mother, or the perfect wife. And it makes me mad to think that I have wasted almost half my life in this state of disappointed self-bashing. I knew I had to stop it, I just didn't know HOW to stop it.
Well, things have been getting better and better, and I am sure they will be better still in the future. It is a process of discovery and peeling the proverbial onion to get to the bottom of all of this. Was it because my father left me when I was 2 and never bothered to show me he loved me? Was it because I had a mother who didn't know how to love herself and was so critical of herself and of me? Was it just because I was predisposed to being easily depressed and hurt by people and life's events? For one thing I give myself props: I never showed it. I kept a stiff upper lip and never complained or let the facade crack.
Or is it because I just think too much? Being and Aquarian, that's a given. Seeing all the angles of an issue, collecting information, and thinking, thinking, thinking about it.
No, I am not weird
But as long as I live, I will keep asking questions. I will not accept the status quo, I will not go with the flow, and I'll just keep solving...
Life is tough as it is, and since I was a child, I have been my severest critic. I criticized myself into the ground. I didn't know how to love myself or accept myself for my faults. I failed to realize that we are all human and we are all insufficient in some ways. And that it is OK. I somehow thought that everyone had it together except for me.
It has only been in the past 3-5 years that I have started forgiving myself for not being perfect. I realize now I am not going to be the perfect Martha Stewart homemaker, the perfect mother, or the perfect wife. And it makes me mad to think that I have wasted almost half my life in this state of disappointed self-bashing. I knew I had to stop it, I just didn't know HOW to stop it.
Well, things have been getting better and better, and I am sure they will be better still in the future. It is a process of discovery and peeling the proverbial onion to get to the bottom of all of this. Was it because my father left me when I was 2 and never bothered to show me he loved me? Was it because I had a mother who didn't know how to love herself and was so critical of herself and of me? Was it just because I was predisposed to being easily depressed and hurt by people and life's events? For one thing I give myself props: I never showed it. I kept a stiff upper lip and never complained or let the facade crack.
Or is it because I just think too much? Being and Aquarian, that's a given. Seeing all the angles of an issue, collecting information, and thinking, thinking, thinking about it.
No, I am not weird
But as long as I live, I will keep asking questions. I will not accept the status quo, I will not go with the flow, and I'll just keep solving...
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