I won't forget me....again!

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Well here I am ....my first blog....I swore I wouldn't be a blogger! LOL!

I have hated myself from as long back as I can remember! I was a chubby adolescent and then after that when puberty hit, I lost 30lbs and my two new "girls" I suddenly had all kinds of male attention! Of course when I looked in the mirror all I saw was this fat, disgusting girl w/ rolls and rolls of fat....Oh, wait, yeah that is right...I saw then , even thin, what I am now!

I'd say isn't that funny but it's not!

You know when you have a low self esteem people seem to notice and a lot of people seem to like it and us it to their advantage! First was my sister who always called me fat, even when I wasn't and I believed it, even when HER Prom date spent more time w/ me at school then her!

Then it was my boyfriend, who became the father ( aka sperm donor) of my daughter. If I agreed with him and didn't dare have a mind of my own I was beautiful and sexy and the best thing to ever happen to him......when I tried to have a mind of my own...well I was a stupid, fat , B*itch!

My parents got divorced when I was 10 or 12 and my dad seemed to have forgotten that he had TWO daughters and then forgot he had kids at all!

One of my boyfriends "forgot" to tell me he had a girlfriend already!

The father of my child "Forgot" to remain faithful!

And even though I LIVE w/ my mom, I think most days she "forgets" I am here!

I spent my whole life wanting a child, even when I was one myself because I wanted someone who would love me unconditionally. That worked out great, I felt loved, needed and appreciated but I kept the weight on.

I wanted that dream wedding and more kids and I think the weight was my way of not going out there and meeting someone else that would just end up "forgetting" me.

The sad thing is....my daughter turned 18 and has seemed to of forgotten me too! Don't get me wrong, I know that some of that is my fault. Because of the weight I wouldn't go out to eat for fear they would try to put us in a booth and I wouldn't fit and I didn't dare go the amusement park because one I couldn't stand the heat and two , I couldn't fit in anything, anyway but STILL I was always here, supporting everything she did, helping her through every childhood, teenage crisis w/ love and support and never judging her and yet, she seems to have just "forgotten" me.

So I am 37 soon to be 38, heavier than I ever thought I would be but also more lonely and more scared then I have ever been!

I feel completely invisable! I weigh 300 plus pounds, I KNOW you can see me , yet everyone acts like I don't exist. I am not here! They don't seem to know I am here and I NEED love too!

I started low carbing on June 26th by having an Atkins Shake for Breakfast and Lunch and then having a lower than normal carb dinner. This is the FIRST time I ever started something w/o planning it weeks in advance. I bought the shakes, don't even know why and did it.

I found this group a few days later and started to learn more. Heck I wasn't sure I would be able to stick w/ low carb but as I read more and my face started to clear and my nails started to grow, I realized, LOW CARB IS FOR ME!

It has been over a month and I have NOT cheated ONE time! Well I should say knowledgeably cheated. I have not had any bread, cakes, cookies, candy ( other than Russell Stovers Sugar Free), and only once had real soda and that is where the knowledgeably comes in.; I bought what I thought was a Cherry Coke Zero....it was hot and I took a big drink and thought "ewww, that doesn't taste right" and I looked at the label and it was REAL Cherry Coke!

I am PROUD Of me because I didn't finish that bottle....I didn't take even ONE more sip to see if it got any better! See I was born in the 70's when people thought "if it ain't good for you, they wouldn't sell it"....I had coke in my bottle as a toddler and had worked my "weigh" up to an 8-10 ( probably sometimes more) can of regular soda a day habit.

Don't get me wrong, there are days I might go over my 20 carbs but it isn't by eating anything bad or not a "legal" food.

I also proud that even though the scale isn't moving at "induction rates" for me...I have not thought of bailing or cheating. Any other time when the scale let me down...a cookie or cake sure picked me up for a min. or two! Not this time. I mean I made it through that TOM w/o so much as a zit....that tells ya' there is something to this low carb thing!

I had been wanting to join Curves for a long time. I just felt at my weight it would embarrassing plus the money was an issue. Heck what if I joined and hated it?? Well they were running a 30 days for $30 special ( first time I had ever seen that kind of deal at Curves) and I thought here is my chance to try it.

Well I almost talked myself out of ....embarrassment AND the rising gas prices really got to me but then I realized I NEEDED this.... I NEEDED to take this time to get out of the house, away from EVERYONE I know and work on me and so that is what I did!

I am two weeks / 6 workouts in... I would go every day they are open if it wasn't for gas prices, I LOVE It. I also decided to start walking in the mall after my workout and Curves and today I wasn't going to because I didn't want to put long pants ( I feel and look like a beached whale in my Capri's and tank) on and I got a late start so the mall would be open and there would be people there.

I almost just said "NOPE" not doing it but then I found myself parking at the mall. I walked it with PRIDE too!

One thing about me is , I was always strong. I put big AC's in by myself , Carry 100lb feed bags and things like that even being obese but the last year or two even that strength I had was leaving and I WANT IT BACK!

It isn't just about finding someone , maybe, hopefully that won't forget me....it is realizing that I had forgotten me too, I had forgotten that I am a child of God and that Jesus is my savior and that he would NOT want me to feel this way and to be jeopardizing my health this way.


It isn't about getting skinny or thin, it is about getting STRONG, getting HEALTHY and LIVING life not just being alive....It is ALL about ME because if I don't think about me.....whose gonna?????[/COLOR]