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Old 01-17-2013, 07:07 AM   #1
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My Mom passed away... I really need some love and support!

Hey Everyone,
I donít post much on here, I think the first and last time I posted something on here was when I needed advice for my sisterís wedding. I was her Matron of Honor back in September and I was losing so much weight that the seamstress couldnít keep up with me and had advised me to stop losing weight and so on and so forth. Well, since that time a lot has happened and I am so off track. I canít seem to get my head back in the game. Shortly after my sisterís wedding my mom passed away on November 2, 2012 from a lengthy illness. My oldest son (17) and I were the ones who found her having a massive heart attack.

The whole seen was very traumatic for us, calling 911 and have the paramedics come and having to hear them say that they couldnít find a pulse. It was an absolute nightmare! She ended up in ICU for about 4 days before we (my dad, older sister and older brother) had to make that decision to take her off of life support. It was the worst experience of my life. I had to watch my mother take her last breath. It was horrifying and I still see those images of finding her, and her taking her last breath.

Since then, I canít seem to focus on me anymore. My diet has gone out of the window, and I am trying so hard to get it together. I want to be healthy so badly. So Please guys, I know this was a lot of info, maybe too much for some, but I felt like I could get some love and encouragement from you all.

~Cassandra
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:26 AM   #2
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Hang in there ebonyrose428 I know what you are going through I had a 1st cousin who was like a brother to me because we grew up right down the road from each other he had tumors all in his spine and was bedridden for much of the last year of his life and then the doctors told us he was in a coma and there wasn't anything else that could be done for him, he had left a living will letting us know that he wanted to discontinue life support if it came to having to make that decision, that made it a little easier but it was a very emotional experience and I hope I don't ever have that experience again. If you mother is anything like mine you were probably one of her most precious things in life just think of all the things she probably did without so you could have a good life, I am sure she would not want you to go back to your old way of eating and not taking good care of yourself you have to think about yourself and your children right now, they are young and I'm sure if you're like me you want to be around when the grandkids start arriving someday. Try to remember all the good times you had with your mother and be strong and don't give up. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:30 AM   #3
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Thank you so Much...XoXo!!
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:39 AM   #4
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(((Huge hugs Cassandra))))

When my mom passed away in 2011 after a long illness, I also fell off the wagon big time. When I thought about it, I was spending so much time controlling my emotions that I didn't have any "control" left over for anything else. I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but relax and keep telling yourself that when you're ready, you'll get back on track. Trust yourself to know when the time is right, because it will be sooner rather than later.
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:49 AM   #5
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Thanks Rachelocity! It makes so much sense!! I spend so much time TRYING not to...you name it! I appreciate your kind words!!
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:54 AM   #6
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Hi Cassandra,

I've only been on here a week, but the ladies on here have been a wonderful support system already. Just know you're surrounded by a ton of love and support. My heart aches for you and I can only imagine how painful the holidays were. Lots of thoughts, prayers and hugs your way. When you're ready to get back on track, do it for you and in honor of your mom. She's watching from above and cheering you on every step of the way...as are we!!
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Old 01-17-2013, 07:59 AM   #7
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Thanks Kat
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:17 AM   #8
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I'm so sorry you are having such problems. *hugging you tight* remember to breathe slowly and deeply. this is one of the most important things you can do to keep your mind from getting out of control. it has surprising effects!

It's sad that death is made into such a terrible experience. It's such a normal thing, something that happens to everyone. And it's natural for parents to die before their children, much sadder when it's the opposite.

But the whole medical experience makes it seem more like an emergency than a normal, loving part of life. Please try to let go of those bad images so you can focus the energy you are feeling on the good, valuable stuff. Often this sort of crisis can leave people stronger and deeper, not damaged. Let that happen!

Remember all the good things about your mother, and realize that now she can be with you whenever you want, not just when she is "around" like when she was living. Share things with her and take comfort from her.

You will go through stages of grief. Let it happen, but keep reminding yourself not to maintain any painful attitude any longer than absolutely necessary! Things can get to be a habit in a bad way as well as good ones.

Be strong and let this help you remember to live every day to the fullest.
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Old 01-17-2013, 10:36 AM   #9
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Thank you RavenRose! Hugs
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:24 AM   #10
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*hugs* its a kind of hell when it happens, especially in those circumstances. I know what you are going through, I had to make that same call for my mother a month before my wedding, though it wasnt because of a heart attack. My thoughts go with you in this difficult time. its rough, I wont lie. Remember the good of her life, and dont let the saddness and circumstances of the end of her life overshadow the memories you had with her.

Its hard, but focusing on positive memories kept me from despair. Remember your time with her, the experiences your children had with their grandmother, and keep her memory alive within you.

*hugs*
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:45 PM   #11
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Thank you!
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Old 01-19-2013, 05:20 PM   #12
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This is really difficult for me to talk about because I was very close to my mom and I lost her a few years ago. When I had my first job and my own apartment downtown, my mom had keys to my apartment and whenever she came over to clean up and drop stuff off for me (laundry), she would stone cold throw out pints of ice cream and pounds of butter so I knew that she was not happy with the weight I'd gained. My parents are super old-school Caribbean, so they were afraid that my excess weight might keep me from *catching* a premium husband. They never actually said anything to me, but I've been at family weddings when my mom has taken cake out of my hands and pushed me to go talk to some random guy because he was single and a doctor or investment banker.

To be fair, my parents were also quite worried about my health because the extra weight gave me back problems and destroyed my stamina. So, I know that their concern always came from love.

Since I started Atkins back in May, one of the things that has kept me on track and away from off-plan food is the fact that I *feel* like my mom is watching me from wherever she has gone and I can't bring myself to cheat on her. I'm sure it's creepy and emotionally unhealthy for me to feel like I'm being monitored from beyond the grave, but I know that she wants me to be healthy and strong. Because I love my mom, because I think about her all the time, because I know that she wants me to be strong, I've stayed strong for her in a way that I could never have done on my own. I feel like getting healthy isn't just about *me*, it's about the people who love me and who want great things for me.

I'm sorry that's so morbid. It's just my $0.02, for what that's worth.

HUG!
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Old 01-20-2013, 11:11 PM   #13
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so sorry to hear about your mom's passing on and i know it's hard to get over that you was there when she passed away. but you shouldn't torture yourself by replaying her last minutes in your head over and over again. like others already said replace those thoughts with all the good memories that you have of you and her together. it takes some time to get over the passing of a love one and the first year is the hardest, but it gets easier as time goes on.

my mother died in 1987 from complications of weight loss surgery..... she died from malnutrition, her organs slowly shut down, she was on life support in the end and i had to sign a do not resuscitate form, my father and i held each other up during that time. it was a hard thing to see her on the lung machine, but i went and held her hand everyday. then went to her house to hold the rest of the family together. after she passed away i ate my way up to almost 400 lbs. and became agoraphobic and wouldn't leave my house for another 5 years. for the last 15 years i've struggling to get my eating under control. i'm fighting for my life here.

Cassandra, dont do it to yourself. you cant eat the hurt and pain away. if your struggling with this go get help. go somewhere you can talk about how your feelings, go to church once or twice a week to regain your inner peace, join a group where people are out doing things and keeping busy. include your kids in the process so they can see that you are all working on this together.

if you do the work to keep yourself healthy, mentally and physically... during the healing process after a while you wont remember how your mom died, you'll embrace how she lived.

all God's blessings... MyDear
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2012: 4/304.2, 5/293.2, 6/285.5, 7/275.1, 8/269.2, 9/258.5, 10/253.5, 11/251.9, 12/251.8
2013: 1/243.4, 2/246, 3/242.2, 4/243.5, 5/243, 6/239.5, 7/236.6, 8/220.2

Last edited by mydear; 01-20-2013 at 11:15 PM..
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Old 01-20-2013, 11:24 PM   #14
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I am so very sorry for your loss. My Mum died suddenly back in 1986, and it was such a shock that I ate nothing for a week - the only time in my life that's ever happened. Like you, I replayed 'that' night over and over in my head - it was like I was trying to de-sensitize myself to the pain of it all.

Grief takes time. It lurks within you even when you think you're past the worst of it, and manifests itself in all manner of ways - eating habits being one of them. It knocks you off balance in so many ways - and that is perfectly normal. I think it took me about 2 years to get back on an even keel in all ways - so please don't push yourself to 'get over it' - go with the process of grieving, it's the way we heal after something so traumatic.

My best advice is to be gentle with yourself, and give yourself time. If you can control your eating, that's great, but don't expect too much of yourself. Don't be afraid to talk to your family about how you feel, you won't upset them by bringing up the topic - they're probably feeling the same. I promise you, you will feel better, and begin to be able to celebrate your Mom's life, and look back with fond memories of all the years you had with her. You will get to the stage where you're able to focus on yourself and your health - and remember, grieving is a healthy process, and a natural one.

Just don't push yourself too hard right now. I wish you and your family all the best.
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Old 01-24-2013, 02:04 AM   #15
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I have never had to face what you are going through, but reading about it makes my heart ache for you, your son, and all who loved your mom. I pray God's peace, comfort, and healing will touch all of you.
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Old 01-24-2013, 10:45 AM   #16
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Most adults today have never seen someone die. Death happens all sanitized in a hospital, with the family told about it AFTER it happens -- often clearing them out of the room first.

A few generations back, this wasn't the norm. Our parents and grandparents passed away with their families around them -- surrounded by those they spent their lives loving.

This seems to me a far better way to go -- with the souls of those you love there with you -- than any other.

I have been there, when my husband's step-dad passed away. I WASN'T there when my mother did, back in 2009. The news came in the voice of a stranger: A phone call from the police officer who found her in her bed. It was devastating. I spent the next month in this suspended state... I don't even know how I got through it.

It seems to me that your posting here means you're READY to start living (as opposed to grieving) again. When I was in That Place, I couldn't even have HAD the kind of thoughts you express in your laugh paragraph.

I'm not sure if I have any advice to give -- beyond recognizing and understanding the kind of pain you're going through. If I were to give advice on this, though, it would be to start slow. Try to get ONE meal of good foods made.

One meal.

It's a start... and it's the START of taking care of yourself again. Maybe enough of a start to grow on.
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10/26/2012: 39.0% 10/27/2012: 39.2%
10/28/2012: 39.3% 10/30/2012: 38.5%
10/31/2012: 38.6% 11/02/2012: 36.5%
11/03/2012: 39.1% 11/04/2012: 39.3%
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Old 01-26-2013, 04:01 PM   #17
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I'm so so so sorry for your loss *hugs*. I've been in the same situation, and it is definitely a struggle to get back on track. My only advice is get back on track when you feel you are ready. Like LiterateGriffin said, even if you make just one meal that's a good start. I think then, everything will start falling into place. Please take care of yourself xo
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Old 01-27-2013, 08:51 AM   #18
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I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss. I agree with the above poster who said take it one meal at a time. One meal. Take it easy, girl and allow yourself time to move forward one step at a time.
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Old 02-06-2013, 09:09 PM   #19
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have also lost a parent--nothing can prepare you for that. Time does heal, but there are days that are more difficult than others.
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Old 02-06-2013, 09:11 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamajennleigh View Post
I agree with the above poster who said take it one meal at a time. One meal. Take it easy, girl and allow yourself time to move forward one step at a time.
Great advice. One meal at a time. One hour, one minute, one second. It makes it easier to get through.
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Old 02-06-2013, 09:48 PM   #21
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and to you and your family. You have been through a tremendous loss with your Mothers passing. You are going through many stages of grief, be gentle with yourself and make small positive changes. I don't think this is the time to pressure yourself with a structured health and diet regimen. When the time is right and you are ready, it will happen. Gods love to you all.
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