It's still there...lurking...

Lucy1018 · 05-27-2012, 04:39 PM

I experienced anorexia when I was 16.5-17 yrs old. I recovered and maintained a healthy weight for a while, but I eventually swung the other way and started eating like crazy. I am 29 and now have about 100 pounds to loose. Lately I have come to terms with the fact that my eating disorder never really went away, and maybe it never well-it just manifested itself in a different way. (I'm not saying that I will always have ED symptoms, just that I think I will always have a tendency to do weird things with food, like those who struggle with alcoholism).

Anyhow, it's rough. I've been doing the low carb thing and have been doing well, but I still struggle with the urge to binge on food that is bad for me. I'm ashamed to admit that I occasionally do, though lately I've taken to purging, which is not something I had done in the past. I don't do it often, but I did it yesterday. Sometimes I take bites of things and then spit them out. I see this as being better than purging or continuing to stuff myself, but I know it's still a disordered eating pattern and could be harmful.

I guess that sometimes it's hard to understand why I have an eating disorder. Given that there are so many stereotypes of those with EDs in our culture, I used to think that only people who were very vain got EDs like anorexia or bulimia. The fact that compulsive overeating existed never crossed my mind when I was younger. I now realize that these conceptions were wrong, but it's still hard to understand why I have these struggles despite being a devout Christian and a disability rights advocate (in which I emphasize the importance of accepting people no matter what their body looks like). These behaviors violate what I believe to be true about God, about body image and about myself.

Thanks for letting me talk.

SamiKing · 06-09-2012, 11:55 AM

I hope you are feeling OK... I, too, have always had issues with disordered eating but I'm getting better and better about it as time goes on. I've 'chewed and spat' in the past, and boy is that disgusting! But, like you say, I always believed it was better than doing something more drastic. I personally don't think those demons ever fully go away, but we do learn to live with them, and learn to be honest with ourselves about why we do it and why we think the way we do. The main thing is to remember that you are not alone and there are millions of people who go through the same thing. It's not something that has to control your life forever, either - it may be in the back of your mind, but at some point you can laugh it away the same way you laugh away other silly thoughts. I think eating disorders are all about control (or at least that's what I always crave) and controlling carbs in a SENSIBLE manner has helped me endlessly in this way. Control what is GOOD to control, and know that you doing good to your body in the process, rather than control how much/how little goes in and out. Focus on your health primarily.

05-27-2012, 04:39 PM	#1
Lucy1018 Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 66 Gallery: Lucy1018 WOE: Paleolithic-no dairy, moderate amounts of fruit	It's still there...lurking... I experienced anorexia when I was 16.5-17 yrs old. I recovered and maintained a healthy weight for a while, but I eventually swung the other way and started eating like crazy. I am 29 and now have about 100 pounds to loose. Lately I have come to terms with the fact that my eating disorder never really went away, and maybe it never well-it just manifested itself in a different way. (I'm not saying that I will always have ED symptoms, just that I think I will always have a tendency to do weird things with food, like those who struggle with alcoholism). Anyhow, it's rough. I've been doing the low carb thing and have been doing well, but I still struggle with the urge to binge on food that is bad for me. I'm ashamed to admit that I occasionally do, though lately I've taken to purging, which is not something I had done in the past. I don't do it often, but I did it yesterday. Sometimes I take bites of things and then spit them out. I see this as being better than purging or continuing to stuff myself, but I know it's still a disordered eating pattern and could be harmful. I guess that sometimes it's hard to understand why I have an eating disorder. Given that there are so many stereotypes of those with EDs in our culture, I used to think that only people who were very vain got EDs like anorexia or bulimia. The fact that compulsive overeating existed never crossed my mind when I was younger. I now realize that these conceptions were wrong, but it's still hard to understand why I have these struggles despite being a devout Christian and a disability rights advocate (in which I emphasize the importance of accepting people no matter what their body looks like). These behaviors violate what I believe to be true about God, about body image and about myself. Thanks for letting me talk.

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06-09-2012, 11:55 AM	#2
SamiKing Senior LCF Member Join Date: May 2012 Location: Glos, UK Posts: 91 Gallery: SamiKing Stats: 196/179/154 WOE: Atkins - OWL	I hope you are feeling OK... I, too, have always had issues with disordered eating but I'm getting better and better about it as time goes on. I've 'chewed and spat' in the past, and boy is that disgusting! But, like you say, I always believed it was better than doing something more drastic. I personally don't think those demons ever fully go away, but we do learn to live with them, and learn to be honest with ourselves about why we do it and why we think the way we do. The main thing is to remember that you are not alone and there are millions of people who go through the same thing. It's not something that has to control your life forever, either - it may be in the back of your mind, but at some point you can laugh it away the same way you laugh away other silly thoughts. I think eating disorders are all about control (or at least that's what I always crave) and controlling carbs in a SENSIBLE manner has helped me endlessly in this way. Control what is GOOD to control, and know that you doing good to your body in the process, rather than control how much/how little goes in and out. Focus on your health primarily.