anyone go to al-anon?

[Rainypep]

My mother is a functional alcoholic. Meaning she works part time etc. but gets smashed drunk at social events and drinks excessively anytime she has a drink. There is no such thing as a glass of wine for her. It is either drunk or sober. I feel as though I have been the parent as long as I can remember. My younger siblings in the past never said much, but they are slowly starting to leak their feelings about her need to party like a teenager despite being 53 years old, having had gastric bypass surgery etc. She is clearly depressed about stuff and has emotional issues. I have many poor memories of her drinking and acting annoying, stupid and beligerant. I have started thinking about going, because she has the type of explosive personality where we all feel as though we have to walk on eggshells and never tell the truth. My dad is a major enabler and just operates by avoidance. We all know she has a problem and I am sure she knows she has a problem but we all have no idea how to cope. Just wondering if anyone has gone and has it helped?

[ImRain]

My daughter is a herion addict and currently living in a sober living house. You know how people say not my child, well I never thought in a million years this would happen to mine. I look at my friends childern who are in college or working and ask myself everyday "why would she go down this path of self destruction". I go to bed every night thinking of her and she is the first thing I think when I wake. My heart feels so heavy. I too have been thinking of attending al-anon.

[Rainypep]

imrain- I am sorry to hear that. I am glad that she is getting sober that is good news, I cannot imagine what it must be like having your child going through that. I am pregnant and have a two year old and knowing how precious my children are I think it would just kill me. You must be a very strong person to be going through this. From everything everyone says al-anon is supposed to be great, thats why I am contemplating it.

I checked out the book from the library called how al-anon works for families and am starting to read it. It sounds like an answer for me it a lot of ways. So I guess that is the path I am headed on. Just have to get the courage to go.

[Nikixie]

to both of you.

Ive never been to an al-anon meeting but a friend of mine started going when her husband started AA and she says it saved their lives and their marriage. Also, her kids were babies when she started going and she gives credit to the fact that they grew up with parents in recovery for them being such wonderful young adults.

I say go. Even if you don't get anything else out of it, I think it's going to help just being around other people who can relate to what you are going through, who won't judge.

Niki

[kat_cairo]

My Mother, brother and ex-husband are all alcoholics. Mother has been sober for over 25 yrs., brother is just a recent sobriety and ex (for all I know) is still drinking heavily.

I went to Al-anon for a short while. It did nothing for me. But please don't let that influence you in any way. You must do what feels right for you. Please get help. you may be as sick as your mother ( co-dependent and all).
Most if us in this predicament are co-dependent. Please get yourself help and I wish you luck.

[nellabella]

I've been to al-anon. I've should have gone years ago but was in denial. Lots of alcohol abuse in my family. Some groups are better than others so its okay to try them out until you find the one you like. Be prepared for a push on leaving the alcoholic or drug relationship. In my experience - any of the groups I was in didn't speak of hope of those relationships working out. Other than that I learned a lot and learned to forgive a lot not that I have a relationship with my family now and probably never will.

[LCfan03]

I was married to an alcoholic/addict for 19 years. He was in/out rehab and sober for a lot of the time. He was big on AA when he was clean and sober. I went to a few meetings and found it helpful. It never became a big part of my life though. I think it can be very helpful in the stage where you are

I learned the most personally from the literature and books that they had though.

It is definitely worth a try and something you need to try 3-4 times (meetings, I mean) before you give up on it. I also think the reading is very helpful but I am also someone who is more of that "type".... I like to read and educate/ruminate on my own.

BIG HUGS to you because it really sucks to be in your situation.

You can find a greater measure of peace though.

[ShesSuperCool]

I've been thinking of going. My SO is an alcoholic with a weed addiction (he's in jail right now for a DUI on top of a misd. possession charge from last month) and I've reached the point where I can't live with him anymore. I love him but it's just not healthy for our daughter to live with this.

My problem is I'm atheist. I see they follow some of the same principles of AA and it's just not compatible with a lack of belief in "higher powers". I wish there was a more secular group. I guess I could go there for the social thing, to meet others with the same problems and see how to deal with it, but honestly if it involves asking my "higher power" to be in charge of my decision making, well that just don't work for me.

[nellabella]

Some people have a misconception about AA in that God does not have to be the higher power. If you believe mother nature is the higher power then you can make her your higher power. Your higher power can be whatever you want. Another thing about love and living with an addict. Sometimes love is letting go too. I know your man is suppose to be number one in your life but you are not number one in his life. His addiction takes prority over you. His addiction is the love of his life. Plus your daughter is learning from you that men are allowed to treat women badly. I'm sorry to have to be so blunt but I've seen too much abuse including myself.

[ShesSuperCool]

Oh no my friend I appreciate the bluntness!
This has all just hit me over the past few weeks, and last week we went through the tears and promises, but he went right back out and did the same thing. He is putting the drinking over us, and I won't let him do it anymore.

The Al-anon thing though, I've been through the OA thing and had the same problem then. Over half the steps are about turning things over to this "higher power", or developing a relationship with this "higher power" and having that "higher power" remove our character deficits. Even though they say your higher power doesn't have to be a god that's really the only way it makes sense. I don't think there IS a higher power than our own minds. So I'd essentially be turning it over to myself. And myself ain't workin so good! lol

I laugh but it's been a hellish weekend with him. We watched him wreck our car, I fainted in the heat waiting for the police to come, we saw him being taken away. I already deal with a rather severe anxiety disorder on top of BED and this has been my excuse for putting up with this for so long. I'm not completely housebound but I don't really do well in public. I have trouble driving and that sort of thing,lots of phobias. But I'm just going to have to suck it up I guess. I haven't worked in eight years but that's going to change, somehow.

I haven't completely rejected Al-Anon either. I'm just not sure yet. There is only one meet-up and it's at a church, and their page has the steps in the Christian perspective. I don't have a problem with the religion but it's hard to follow something you don't believe and it's hard to believe something you don't follow...if that makes sense.

But yes, I do appreciate the bluntness!

[nellabella]

The whole higher power thing is in AA because in order for the addict to be cured of his addiction he has to surrender himself to his higher power. There have been lots of arguments over this for years and they will never change because AA works. AA works better than rehab. No reason why you can't use your mind as your higher power. You aren't the addict here. I left a relationship after 25 years and was lost when I did it. My ex was the controller. I didn't know how to do anything without him. He left me in a mess and ended up getting everything. I still have problems making decisions but I am getting better at it. If I survive this I hope to one day help other women whom have been though the same. If I can do it so can you. No one was more of a mess than I was all because of a man or men but not all men. I can't blame them all. I had some men treat me better than my ex my father and family. And my mother is another story. You sound like you have strength. Use it.

[harris.margaret9]

Why don’t you confront your mom and dad to tell them about rehabilitation center as an option? You must confront them or else it may go worse. The reason I suggest for rehabilitation is because at the center she will not only leave alcohol for good, but also she will understand the importance of family and her responsibility towards them.

[ShesSuperCool]

Nellabella, sorry I'm just now seeing your reply.
It's been 11 days now since he was arrested and now he's facing deportation to his home country. This makes it easier to break up but money is so tight I am living on beans and rice. Missing my low-carb foods, but ya do what you have to do. I have a little girl to think of.
Instead of Al-anon I've made an appointment for both me and my daughter to see a counselor provided by a charity. I may be directed back to Al-anon after that.

It's been strange these past 11 days, and waves and waves of realization have been crashing over me. I guess finally getting away is making it easier to see how bad life was and how he controlled our lives with his addictions. On one hand I'm panicked and afraid because he's left us in such a poor financial situation I've had to apply for assistance. I've begged for charity and still don't know where the rent money will come from if I don't find work soon. He left me with no decent clothes or glasses. We never had the money for me to get my license renewed so there's that hassle (have to pass the vision test, can't with no glasses) and he writes from the jail begging for me to help him. I don't even want to talk to him. That's the other hand...I feel free. I don't have to be worried every night what mood he'll be in when he comes home. I don't have to worry about the constant complaints about everything I do. I don't have to worry that he'll get caught because he's already caught.

I just hope soon I can find work. That's all that matters now. I haven't worked for eight years, and that was construction work I can no longer do. I have no education or skills so whatever it is will be low wages, but you know what? It'll be no worse than it was when he blew half his money on his addictions. I'll make it. And I'll be back here as soon as I can, praising Dr. Atkins and the joys of sucralose and Linda's Seoul Chicken.

[Rainypep]

I called my mom today and told her that I was worried about her health in regards to alcohol and her bariatric surgery, and that my siblings were worried too. I decided to take a round-a-bout approach that expressed more concern, love and support as opposed to just calling her an alcoholic and being very confrontational.

I figured with her personality, it would do more harm than good to be aggressive and accusational. Unfortunately she just kinda said, I don't know why you would worry, I am not worried I am fine. The only thing that she admitted was that she has a hard time being home alone all day, which is the weirdest thing about her. She has her own business but has pretty much run it into the ground over the last 2 years or so, by her own choice she now only works 2-3 part time days a week.

I should also mention that there is really no reason for her to be alone all the time, she has 3 sisters in town who are all widowed, as well as her own mother who is also widowed and retired so they are all also always around and doing things together so she could easily do activities with them. She also has 2 best friends that are stay at home but she never calls them etc, anymore. She seems to only do stuff when my dad is around and that is part of his co-dependency issue with her.

I mentioned that I was concerned as to whether or not she had followed up with her docs regarding post surgery (she isn't even 2 years post RNY) because I she is always bruised and has a history of anemia (which I know can most def. be related to among other things alcoholism), but of course she claims she just had blood work done and it is all fine. Denial is powerful I guess.

I guess at this point, where I stand is: I am glad I said something...in five years she may thank me, or not, but I don't care...at least she knows I care and I didn't just ignore it, I was respectful and offerred support and concern as well as help. And if she never changes at least I know I said my piece and didn't just evade the issue. She can't say no one cared or offered help. And now on to living my own life, not being consumed with her crap, and I am going to seek my own help in my own time.

I know that she is majorly depressed and has been periodically this way throughout her life, but at this point the ball is in her court, she knows how to get help if she wants it. As it is the type of insurance she has, has offered her counseling for post bariatric surgery issues and she refuses to go. If she avails herself of these blessings I am sure they would treat her eating issues, alcohol issues and depression.

I also had a major epiphany of my own today in the process which is this. For years she had been super derogatory and confrontational with my sister and I, and sort of makes it out like we are in cahoots against her, always judging her etc. But this isn't true, and for years I believed it was and felt guilty about it. I suddenly realized however it is her own personally damaged relationship with her mother (I don't know why its damaged but she is super judgemental of her own mother and there are other substance abusers in my mom's family) that I believe she is transferring onto us. For years family friends used to tell us what good kids we were, and we just shrugged it off, since that wasn't mom's opinion, but I suddenly realized that its true, my self esteem isn't going to suck anymore and I am not going to feel guilty or judgemental because she says so. I don't want to devote any more time and energy to avoiding her crap.

We only argue because she starts stuff and goads us into saying things that she wants to hear that are negative about her.
I feel unsteady and unsure as to if I did the right thing, but at least I did something, whether it is a first step for me, and ends up being a first step for her will remain to be seen.
But I am a grown-up, entitled to separated and individuate and live my own life with my own little family and not have to fear her wrath, walk on eggshells or be treated like a little girl who never grew up. I am no longer seeking her acceptance, I know that I am a worth individual, I just have to start believing it!

[Rainypep]

PS thanks to all who let me unload this here. I just needed to get it out.

[Emmaline]

I went to Al Anon a few years back when I was married to an alcoholic.

It helped me greatly get the focus off of him and back on me and my behavior throughout our marriage. It becomes so consuming dealing with someone that has an addiction, that we become sick as well.

The higher power thing can be anything spiritual for you. If not religion, then wherever you gather your strength. Whether it's a walk in the woods, meditation, group therapy, or something else. The higher power term is used to turn this problem over to someone/something else. We are powerless over their addiction, and learning to detach with love was a powerful thing for me to accomplish. We meet as often as we need to, sometime at first it's frequently. But you go when needed, and are welcomed each time. A safe place to go where others know what you're dealing with. Soon, you'll feel peace.

[tracyann71]

Sadly I don't have any answers for you. All I wanted to say was: Put yourself first and do what is best for you. One day at a time. Best of luck

[roseisfree]

I am concern too ..my dad has an alcool probleme too . it's quite heavt too deal with it day to day,i am alwys worried for him. During years we all notticed taht something was wrong but we couldn't speak about it. Each one has had a proper reaction my mum was giving him bad word to make him realise that he was not taking the righ road, my brother did like if was not affect by it , he reaction was to say :" i do the best for me i can't care about everybody , it's not my probleme it's his probleme" but dy to day his behaviour was saying the opposite ( he went with a girl friend with alcool problem) and never drink himself alcool. We were not speaking about it together about it , it was like " nobody has to know, we keept it foor us" , we have try different éstratégy" nothing was working, i decide to speak openly with my dad, ( his mum and his tow brother hd the same difficulty 2 of them deid of it) so i try to say to him that it's a real health problem, he is seek and xe re there to help him, i don't do anymore like if everything was fine, i call a cat cat and slowly he start to speal to me about it ....trcrntly his brother become seek he has to visit him ( 4hours drive) he saw the doctor nd at the moment he is at the hospital, the doctor explain to my father that his brothet has an alcool probleme and he has to stop alcool , maybe that is going to make him relise .

[brandyek]

M boyfriend has been sober 8 or 9 years. I met him 9 months ago. We have moved in with each other and have a great relationship. I've been to a meeting with him and one Al-anon meeting. Not really my thing. He recently started asking me to go to Al-Anon meetings so that I understand him better.
"What don't I understand?" I ask.
Al-anon websites as questions and if you answer "yes" to any of the questions then it says it would be a wise decision to turn to. However, I've not had to deal with any of the negative situations with him, he still goes to 3 meetings a week, and I'm cool with that because its his thing. Any suggestions or insight??????