Miserable bride-to-be

[Changeling]

Today, in one month, I'm getting married to the most wonderful, loving, understanding man in the world who has always loved me just as I am and treats me like a princess. And I've failed him so horribly!!!

About 3 months ago I started my pre-wedding diet so that I can look my very best on on our big day in front of all our friends and family, and, of course, for my beautiful husband. I am not grossly overweight, but I need to lose about 35 pounds to be at my skinny "bikini" weight. (Honeymoon in Mauritius)

I work from home, so every morning after he leaves for work I start binging and binging. I just can't stop. I seem to be addicted... not to food, but to the act of overeating. And always in secret, I can't do it in front of other people. I throw all the food wrappers away in the neighbors' bin before he comes home, and then we sit down to our healthy, portion-controlled dinner together. What a farce! I even pretend to go to gym. I put my trainers next to the bed so that he can think I used them. Crazy, because I actually love going to gym, but when I get on these self-destructive streaks I do as much damage as possible. He can't understand why I'm not losing the weight as he thinks I'm really trying hard and sticking to my diet. He constantly reassures me that he loves me just as I am and tells me I don't need to lose weight anyway.

I keep meaning to "start tomorrow", so every day is a pre-diet "last binge ever", but of course tomorrow never comes... I have not lost ANY weight in the past 3 months and the only reason I've maintained is because I'll binge for a few days and then starve myself for a few days when I come to my senses and try to lose weight. So I've maintained my weight that way.

I bought the most beautiful wedding dress 2 months ago, in my goal size as in inspiration to lose the weight, and I just phoned the store to ask if I could exchange the dress for a larger size as I'm a few months pregnant... I'm not, obviously, but I'm too ashamed to admit that I did not lose any weight. So next week I'm going to have to go into the store and try on a new big dress and pretend to the sales assistant that I'm pregnant.

I'm telling you all this because I need to be honest with myself and you about just how crazy I've allowed myself to become. When I read this I can't believe that it's actually ME I'm talking about. I'm an intelligent, capable, professional, respected person on the surface... if people only knew!

With one month away I realize that it's too late to lose the weight now. Atkins has worked for me in the past as it's the only thing I seem to be able to stick to because it blunts my appetite and curbs my cravings somewhat. But for some reason I always resist going back on Atkins, I really don't know why.

I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago, but all she wants to talk about is my loveless childhood and "how hurt I must be". I know it's true, but I feel like we just dwell in the past instead of moving forward, so I think I'm going to stop seeing her. I know that going back on Atkins is going to sort out 99% of my problems and self-loathing, so I think I just need to focus on that first. If I still feel that I need additional help after that, I can go back.

So I went to the store this morning and got loads of the most delicious Atkins-friendly food I could find to tempt myself to just get through the first terrible 3 or 4 days and stay on plan.

I think my fiance suspects that something is up with me, but I really don't want to discuss all this with him. It's just too much.

Today is the day I stop lying to myself, to my beautiful fiance (who deserves SO MUCH BETTER than me!!!) and to the world.

I know Atkins is just a diet, but it's saved my sanity before, so I'm going to trust that it will do so again. It just makes everything better for me! Now I must just get through the first few days...

[springalong]

First of all its good you shared this here get it written down. Next give yourself a big hug. One from me too. Just breathe deep you will get thru this.

I have often done things in hiding from those I love too. Maybe the inner child needs lots of love goes looking for it in different ways. Enjoy this lovely man you have been given as a gift and you to him.

[Darkginger]

I can relate to this in so many ways - I've done the binging in secret thing (though not for many, many years now) and I remember how bad it made me feel about myself. You know what I think you should do? Sit your man down and either tell him what's going on with you, or let him read your post above. It will be a huge stress reliever for both of you, because - as you say - he knows something's up, and I bet he's worried.

You have NOT failed your fiancé, nor have you failed yourself - with one month to go until your wedding, you're stressed and feeling under pressure, that's all. I know you say you don't want to talk about this with your man - but I think you have to. Being honest with each other is such a good foundation for a relationship, and sharing your intimate thoughts (and weight is an intimate matter, I think) helps to make your partnership stronger. It's about trust - trust him with what you see as your 'weakness' and 'failure' and let him offer you his support. You don't have to deal with this by yourself.

Please let your fiancé help you, and believe him when he tell you he loves you as you are. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon, and an even better life together in the future

[Lucky4]

You did not fail anyone. The wrong food choices affect what we are and how we feel and it's as easy as deciding to start doing what's best for YOU.

Don't worry about how you will look on your wedding day because all of us have an inner beauty that will shine all by itself. Your goal should be how to take care of yourself and be healthy for the rest of your life--not just one day. It's the future, your children, your grandchildren, your ability to be healthy and enjoy your future life. No one can take that away from you if you really want it.

Many people have loveless childhoods--that shouldn't stop anyone from not having a loving future. Only you can be in control of that.

Atkins (low carb in general) can help you--and you'll be amazed at what one month can do for you. Stick to induction levels tightly until then--and once you're married, then start to look for how many carbs you can safely consume while still losing and then maintaining. Maybe your fiance can share the journey with you. One month can make the biggest difference of your life.

It seems like you have a wonderful person for a new husband--now give him the perfect wife. We all make mistakes. Just pick yourself up and start a fresh day. No need to go and try to bash yourself because what happened yesterday was what happened yesterday. Concentrate on today and find the true you inside. You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find.

Good luck on this starting point of your journey and know that the wonderful people on these boards are here to help you with every single step of the way. We all know you can do it--and you can

[MsBlondeGRIT]

I got married December 4 in a huge lavish wedding, and I weighed 178 lbs. People told me I looked like Kim Kardashian and that I was curvy and feminine. Was I also 35 lbs overweight? yep! did i beat myself up before the wedding? yep. i almost fainted at the seamstress' studio. do i look back now and think i looked stunning, gorgeous, and glowing? YEP! Please free yourself of this mental flogging. Your fiancee thinks you are gorgeous, and that is what matters. But really, all brides are beautiful on their big day. And you will be too!!

[mamabear6]

Originally Posted by Changeling

I started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago, but all she wants to talk about is my loveless childhood and "how hurt I must be". I know it's true, but I feel like we just dwell in the past instead of moving forward, so I think I'm going to stop seeing her. I know that going back on Atkins is going to sort out 99% of my problems and self-loathing, so I think I just need to focus on that first. If I still feel that I need additional help after that, I can go back.

Most times we need to DEAL with our past, lay it to rest, so that we may heal and recover from it. This will allow us to move forward and make positive changes within ourselves.

This is coming from a recovering alcoholic. Trust me, you can't move forward if your past is still weighing you down. Whether you want to admit it or not. This therapist surely knows what she's talking about. I would recommend continuing to see her. If you go into it with an open mind you may be surprised. Best wishes.

[zipp2play]

My thoughts are with you. You should definitely keep seeing the therapist and deal with your past which will help you deal with the present.

Talk to your fiance. It is important that you feel you can honestly talk with him. He loves you for what/who you are, YOU should too!

[LisaG]

I can relate to this completely and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I would not give up on the therapist- or therapy, anyway. I would recommend continuing to talk to someone. It's much easier to have a third person like that. You won't feel as ashamed or judged if it's someone on the outside like a therapist, in my opinion. I think that the stress of your wedding is probably making this issue worse- anxiety is my trigger, as well as boredom, and maybe working from home is not as challenging or distracting as an outside job would be. Being home and around the food is tough. I would say that you should FORCE yourself to get to that gym or at least go for a long walk, do yoga, lift some weights, or whatever. I find that when I force myself to do something active early in the day, I don't want to screw it up by overeating later. Another thing that has worked for me is getting RID of all and any foods that tempt me. For me, it's yogurts and puddings, peanut butter, and cheese- all creamy stuff. I once read that if you binge on creamy things you are in need of comfort, crunchy things you are aggravated or angry. I've read a lot of memoirs and books about emotional eating. The main suggestion that keeps coming up is to find other ways to control your stress. A long walk is my best way to control it, and you'll have to find yours; this is where a therapist may come in handy. Eventually, talking to your fiance may be important to do. Being open about it will make you feel better. Part of the reason you may be bingeing is just the anxiety and shame of hiding it from him! Once you open up you may feel better already, at least a little. You are probably feeling guilty. Why not think about releasing that guilt by being honest? He sounds wonderful, and I'm sure he would support you. I hope that you find ways to deal with/talk about your stress. Food is a very powerful drug and eating can really become your only strategy in dealing with stress, depression, etc. if you let it. Talk to someone and work to find other ways to deal. Congratulations on your wedding!

[LisaG]

Many people have loveless childhoods--that shouldn't stop anyone from not having a loving future. Only you can be in control of that.


Love this!!!

[Spanilingo]

Stop dieting. Weddings are the WORST time to go on diet.

Your man is awesome. He is isn't marrying you because of the wedding day. That is just a party. Your wedding vows are a lifestyle.

But then again. You are more likely upset about the secret life you are creating more so than your weight or your binging. Because it isn't about your weight---creating a lifestyle of living a double life will have much more of an impact on your relationship than 35 pds. Don't feel guilty for not being able to adhere to a diet during one of the most stressful times in your life. If you are not cool with telling him about lying, you still can just say "babe--I love you but I need a break from dieting..its too hard with the wedding and all." Trust him enough to let him know you can't do it RIGHT NOW.
"
Truthfully...In my opinion, weddings are the WORST time to go on a super diet. The added stress, even good stress isn't working for you.

Instead of creating a farce, eat in a way that is doable for now. It might not be totally low carb, but you can work your way there. AFTER THE WEDDING!

[LJB]

I was a nervous wreck the last couple of months before my wedding last year. Keep calm.

[Changeling]

Thank you so very much for all the kind and thoughtful responses. I'm feeling loved and worthy and much more empowered to stay on the Induction I started this morning.

I'm going to follow the advice about staying with my therapist. It's obvious that I need to. I think I should stop looking for a quick fix or a set of instructions on how to overcome my emotional problems and instead be open to exploring them and becoming aware of them. I realize that I can't move on to a solution before I understand the problem properly.

However, I'm not going to tell my fiance about everything I stated in my first post. Not all of it. I'm going to confide in him that I've been binging some and skipping workouts, and I know he will understand and be supportive, but I'm not willing to let him in on how crazy I am ... that's just for you lot! LOL

My first day of Induction is going well and I feel inspired about going to gym tomorrow morning. It's amazing the HUGE emotional difference I already feel after eating right for just one little day. I really am what I eat and for me carbs = depression + chaos.

Thank you all for so selflessly reaching out to someone you don't even know.

Who knows? I might even still shift a little weight in the next month before my wedding...

[Leo41]

Keep in mind that the stress of the impending wedding is probably the reason for your less-than-good food choices, so just try to stay as calm as possible.

When stress hits, and you want to eat, just remind yourself that carbs will make you feel miserable and try to choose a protein/fat snack instead.

I've done this when I've been on vacation and tempted to binge; I remind myself that I want to feel my best while I'm vacationing, and starches and sugars will just make me feel miserable.

As others have noted, you'll be a beautiful bride--regardless of what size you're wearing on your wedding day!

[SHAUNA NA NA]

oh my word!!! hugs first of all... second why not replace some of your binge items with cheese and veggies. get the junk out of the house! and can you try and leave when he does, head to the park for a jog! I am sorry

[cali_amazon]

I can definitely relate. I got married in Oct and kept telling myself I was going to lose weight. It was a vicious cycle of starvation and then eating way too much. For what it's worth, when the pressure was off I was able to change my eating habits slowly and have lost 21 pounds (so far). My hubby's lost 20 pounds since the wedding too.

We're considering a recommittment ceremony once we've gotten to goal so that we can have new picures But regardless I love most of my wedding pictures (I just got rid of the one's with angles I hated)

It's a mindset shift. "I went from I've gotta lose weight NOW!" to "I want to feel better about myself, I can do this!"

I honestly don't remember the last time I thought with dismay that I must lose weight. Now I just feel like it's a process I'm going through.

Hang in there, it will happen. And if you are finding therapy frustrating just remember you can tell her that. Sometimes talking about the here and now is just as important and therapists can forget that.

[LisaG]

Oh I love the idea of a renewing of vows with new photos! We will be coming up on 7 years and we said for our 10th we would do this. I agree with everyone else that a wedding isn't a good time to do anything drastic. It's hard enough to deal with all of the other stress! Plus if you lose quite a bit the dress doesn't look right. Better to just be yourself; maintaining your good health is most important.

[ravenrose]

Yikes. I am so sorry you are going through this! It seems pretty serious though. Can you arrange some counseling to try to get to the root of it? it seems like more than carb addiction, not sure...

the good news is that it's MUCH better for women with weight issues to find a man when they are heavy, in my experience. they will be happy if you lose weight but accept you as you are. when you get with someone when you are thin BRIEFLY, they often react very badly when you regain, which almost everyone does. so count your blessings.

good luck

[shapeup1]

"" I seem to be addicted... not to food, but to the act of overeating. And always in secret, I can't do it in front of other people.""

Well if its just the act of overeating your addicted too, then have a bunch of romaine salad around and eat that. You shouldn't gain weight.
Sorry to hear what your going thru...

I would go to a 12 step program in your area such as Overeaters anonymous or Food addict anonymous walk in and ask someone for help right away. Get the instructions immediatly.
Good idea to stay away from flour and sugar...lowering you carbs that should take away some of your compulsion and give you some stability.

Your boyfriend will find out sooner or latter...so I would try to work with him now. There is a saying in the counseling world: "your're sick as your secrets".....

But go to the 12 step meetings , you will find people that will understand what you're going thru.

[nolcjunk]

I'm sorry that you are going through this but I think you need to admit it all to your fiance before you get married. It is not fair to be keeping secrets this big about something that is making you lie to him on a daily basis. You say that he loves you as you are, give him a chance to love all of you as you are, with all your imperfections.

these types of addictions/habits take hard work to overcome and so you will not be able to overcome this before the wedding and sooner than later he will find out and be crushed because of the betrayal.

I have a friend who is a compulsive shopper and she never told her fiance before they got married, he found out later when he found her stashes of clothing store bags in the basement and when he noticed how much money was missing for no reason. They are getting divorced now.

Please let him know what you are going through- you will feel a million times better.

[victoryplease]

hi! Don't feel guilty, you have let no one down...

I agree with what some people have said, and not with others.

You will be beautiful and awesome on your wedding day! Try to relax and focus on other things than how you will look in your wedding dress.

On another note, you obviously have developed a very unhealthy way of dealing with stress. I realize that a wedding is paramount stress... but I have to tell you [having delt with this much of my life] ---If you don't continue counseling, and find out how to develop other coping mechanisms, and delve into the pits of your heart - - - IT WILL RESURFACE. It may be when you have a baby, or family issues, or work issues. I'm not a professional, but I feel that when this has been established within your body, brain, psyche, whatever - you will unconsciously revert to in times of great stress/etc. That is, unless you have developed other systems to counter binging/etc.

I wish you lots of luck and hugs, you are obviously a very smart and wonderful person! Dont give up. Take a deep breath, and keep on! <3

[hay]

Changeling, have you read 'Overcoming Overeating'? It's a really fantastic book for compulsive eaters. I'm also a recovering binge eater and it has REALLY helped me start a healthy relationship with food again -- all food, not just lc foods.