Bulimia

[changing]

Hi, this is my first post here.

I am in a really scary place right now. I have been eating low carb for almost a year. I am at a good weight for my height/frame. But in the past three weeks, I have engaged in bulimic behavior three times. I am so very scared right now. I do not want to slip down this very slippery slope. I am terrified because the urge to do it today was SO strong, and I gave in. It was my third time today, yet I am thinking about doing it again. Even though my throat is still raw and sore.

I am going through some stressful events right now. They are the sort of events that while stressing, can certainly be dealt with appropriately.

I am so sad that I did this to myself today. I am ashamed. Yet... I feel the urge to do it again. And I know I will be fighting the urge to do it again tomorrow.

I cannot let myself go down this road. I have too much to risk. I MUST stop myself.

I created this thread because I need to be accountable every day. I am going to post in here every day, and write about my struggles and triumphs. I have too much at stake to let this become a part of my life in any shape or form.

Thanks for reading.

[changing]

I just cried on my husband's shoulder. He does not know what I have done to myself. He loves me so much that he would be heartbroken if he knew. I have made a promise to myself. I MUST not engage in this behavior ever again. It is not yet a 'habit'. I must break the ties with this behavior while it is still early enough.

I MUST use this struggle I am having right now to fuel change in my life. Positive changes.

Thank you for reading.

[jbbaby]

I wish I had something to offer you other than my positive thoughts and hope and prayers, but I don't. I am hurting for you, and please know that you are worth taking care of ... and I'm here to listen if you need me.

[changing]

OMG, God answered my prayer right now when I saw your post to me. Thank you SO much for saying something. It helps so much more than you know. Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me. Your post made me cry.

[changing]

I am feeling unspeakably nauseous right now. I do NOT want to throw up. But I think because of what I did today, the fluid imbalance is making me feel horrible. I am concentrating with everything I've got to will the feeling to go away. I do not want anything to do with vomitting, even if it is involuntary.

I am worth taking care of. Thank you so much for that reminder, jbbaby. I have struggled with different sorts of destructive behavior my entire life. It's taken different forms, but I can see that no matter where I've been, I've used food in some form to 'control' my life. That's a huge illusion, of course. I believe the very fact that I can write about this and acknowledge this problem of mine shows that I CAN change my future. I can. I will.

I must.

[jbbaby]

You ARE worth it. As my DH says, "God don't make junk!"

Have you tried drinking any water? You're probably really dehydrated right now, and your electrolytes may be really off balance - some water may help with the nausea.

You are not alone.

[changing]

Jbbaby - Your husband sounds incredibly wonderful. God certainly doesn't make junk... or mistakes!! I ended up going into some fitful sleep yesterday because I could not hold down any water. It was horrible. I am extremely dehydrated right now - I have some electro mix (powderered electrolyte mix) that I will add to my water, and hopefully, I can find some equilibrium.

Today will be somewhat stressful for me. But I will NOT turn to binging and purging to numb myself of the stresses. I will experience the stressors as a 'normal' person should. I will let myself feel anger, worry, anxiety. I can do this. I must remember that binging only compounds the problem in so many horrible ways.

Jbbaby - I know I said this yesterday. But God truly did answer a cry from my heart when you replied to my thread. Thank you - from the bottom of my heart.

[jbbaby]

Hi Changing - just checking in to see how you're doing today.

[changing]

Jbbaby, thank you SO much for checking on me. I feel like I am repeating myself, but I feel so grateful that someone is reading what I'm writing. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I went two days without binging and purging. But this morning, I lapsed. I'm realizing that I have a very unhealthy relationship with stress. It has taken various forms in my life. I used to keep it stuffed inside, and walked around, the angriest, moodiest person you'd ever meet who could lose their temper at any moment. Then, I started picking my cuticles. Then I shopped. And now, it's bulimia.

I am an addict. It's taken so many different forms, but I realize, underneath all of the terrible compulsions lays someone who just doesn't KNOW what to do with stress. I wish I could cry. Perhaps if I could, some of my stress would come streaming out and leave me with some peace.

Even though I started with a binge and purge, I didn't let it continue, like I did a few days ago. I must view that as progress. Yes. Baby steps. I didn't want to wait for tomorrow to start a new slate, I wanted the rest of the day to be okay. And surprisingly? It was. Just like how I made myself stop picking away at my cuticles, I must wean myself away from this horrible habit. I can do this. I have strength, determination and will power. I just need to apply myself consistently and keep my positive thoughts in my head.

[lalala]

Hello,

I just read this thread and I wish you nothing but the best. I know stress plays an evil role in everyone's life and people react differently to it, but next time you feel the urge to continue to mentally and physically hurt yourself, pause for a moment. Ask yourself why you're choosing to take a route that will ultimately hurt you more, and overall cause you more stress than the amount in which you started with. I know you recognize that it is an unhealthy addiction that causes so much damage and now is your time to turn it around. Try to find more positive outlets for your stress such as starting a journal, either on here or in a book, go for a walk or go exercise, call a friend or family member or just lay down and relax with a cup of tea and rationally talk yourself out of it until the urge passes.

Again, I wish you the best and hope that you make the best choices for your health.

[pushing 40]

Hello, my brother who is not very good at taking advice himself gave me the best advice of my life. "Don't try something you don't want to like" I know that Bulimia is not something anyone likes but but the saying goes to mean "don't do anything you don't want to do twice or anything you don't want to have to quit." I know it is a too late for this advice but know that it is much easier to stop now than it will be once this becomes an ingrained pattern. I have not suffered from this disorder myself but have read others experiences and that this will consume your life if you let it take hold. Please Please Please use all the will power you have now to stop this RIGHT NOW before it gets a hold of you. Nothing you could possibly be going through now is worth letting this demon take over your life. Once you are over whatever is happening now this will stay FOREVER and you will always have to fight it. I am sorry to be so passionate and I hope I don't sound harsh, I just don't want you to be fighting this battle for years.

Keep us updated, I will be thinking of you and sending positive - Strong thoughts your way.

[changing]

Bless you, both of you. Someone is looking out for me, and sent you two, my way.

I am committed to reading through this thread, the next time I feel the urge. Both of you wrote SO concretely, so succinctly, of my rational thoughts... the thoughts that are little whispers, when the bulimia urge is at a roar. I will come back to this thread when the ugly thoughts rear their hideous faces.

Lalala - I want SO much to find a positive way to channel my stress. Wanting it is obviously not enough. I need to make that next step forward and DO IT. I am currently thinking of my plan of action to kick in the next time I feel that stress weighing down on me. You are so wise with your advice. I thank you for taking the time to write that to me.

Pushing 40 - I don't know how you could be anywhere NEAR 40. You are gorgeous. And clearly, the beauty starts within and radiates outwards. There is such beauty and wisdom in what you wrote. I printed out your advice to me, and I have read it many times. You are SO RIGHT. THANK you for your passionate response - it was just what I need to read. And re-read. Bless you.

[pushing 40]

to you today, I hope you are staying strong

[lalala]

yes, hopefully you're having a good day and you're making the best choices for yourself. It'll only get easier once you stop feeding "the beast" so to speak by giving in. I'm sure it's difficult but it's the best choice you can make for health and wellness so don't give up.

[suzanneyea]

What are you eating on your low carb diet? Certain foods will "trigger" the urge to binge or purge. Anything sweet tasting is a big trigger for me, so no cream cheese. I big problem drink it soda, so switch to water. Soda is bad for two reasons, it is very sweet tasting and the carbonations make purging VERY easy, as many of us know.
My sil accused me of vomitting after Christmas dinner this year. I had to laugh. I did eat a lot, but I only ate turkey and drank water. As a former bulimic, I know first hand, that meat is NOT good for purging, nor is water. I told her that if I were bulimic, first, I would not do it in a public setting and two, I would have at least had the mashed potatoes and gravy! LOL
Hnag in there, re-evaluate your food choices during this stressful period. I know I have to be more careful during periods of stress and I have been bulimia free for over 6 years.

[changing]

Hi again.

Since the last time I posted, I have been binge and purge free. After reading and re-reading all the comments that you have contributed, I took a good hard look at my diet and my 'triggers', as Suzanneyea put it. For me, the triggers are stress. But I think what makes the stress worse is that I am pre-diabetic, and go through some horrible ups and downs with my blood sugars. My doctor prescribed Metformin for me to stave off the diabetes, but because of all the side effects, I never bothered with it, and decided to control it with low carb. But after these binge and purging episodes, I wondered if my blood sugar swings were making the desire to do it even stronger. SO. I went and got it filled. Took my first dose with dinner, and experienced no side effects. Since then, I have upped it to my optimal dose (according to my doctor), and I am amazed that all desire to stuff myself to oblivion have disappeared. It has only been a few days, so I am still watchful to see how this is progressing. But I feel thankful that you people on here prompted me to really examine myself and what I could do to help myself.

Thank you, All.

[jbbaby]

Hi -

I am so glad things are going well. I am really thankful that - so far - the Metformin is helping. It's also great that others on this forum are willing to share their experience, strength, and hope. All I can share is my great faith that you deserve to be healthy and happy (as do we all). I continue to wish you the best.

[changing]

Jbbaby, HI again. Today I felt the urge to binge slightly, but I came back to this thread, read it over a few times, and the feeling passed by VERY quickly. I am curious if it is the Metformin that is giving me greater willpower via stabilizing my blood sugar... or maybe if it is purely pyschologial? I am not sure. Time will surely tell.

I want very much to be healthy and happy. This sabotage monster inside of me is such a demon. I think these incidents I have had with binging and purging serves to show me how powerful this destructive force is inside of me. I do not like it.

[AmyGet]

Sorry you're going through that, as someone who's a recovering buliimc, I can understand where you're coming from. It's not easy when those feelings come as you know. Try doing something to distract yourself from those feelings, I know probably easier said than done, change your surroundings, ie, get out of the house or change where you're at.

HTH,

Amy

[pushing 40]

Originally Posted by changing

Hi again.

Since the last time I posted, I have been binge and purge free. After reading and re-reading all the comments that you have contributed, I took a good hard look at my diet and my 'triggers', as Suzanneyea put it. For me, the triggers are stress. But I think what makes the stress worse is that I am pre-diabetic, and go through some horrible ups and downs with my blood sugars. My doctor prescribed Metformin for me to stave off the diabetes, but because of all the side effects, I never bothered with it, and decided to control it with low carb. But after these binge and purging episodes, I wondered if my blood sugar swings were making the desire to do it even stronger. SO. I went and got it filled. Took my first dose with dinner, and experienced no side effects. Since then, I have upped it to my optimal dose (according to my doctor), and I am amazed that all desire to stuff myself to oblivion have disappeared. It has only been a few days, so I am still watchful to see how this is progressing. But I feel thankful that you people on here prompted me to really examine myself and what I could do to help myself.

Thank you, All.

Yeah, I am glad to hear that your urges have more the most part lessoned. I hope you are feeling better about yourself and are realizing that you are bigger than the "beast" keep telling yourself that you are going to win. Take it one minute at a time and feel great with each success!!!!

[lalala]

Fantastic Job!!!

Hopefully you've stayed committed to your health since you've last posted and you're making more improvements.

Keep it up

[changing]

Hi again. I have continued to do well with my eating. It is amazing how having my blood sugar controlled has taken away all urges to binge and purge. It is astounding to me.

Pushing40 - I hope I can help someone one day in the same way you've helped me. Thank you so much for your words. Please know there is someone out there who you have really lifted and encouraged. Bless you.

Lalala - THANKS for being my cheerleader and my voice of reason. I am SO appreciate of your advice and cheers! And I'm also a sugar free gum addict.

[ChiefApache]

I am just reading this thread for the first time today.

Keep up the good work changing. You can do it and you are worth it!

[greenandchic]

I just read the first few posts of this thread and it has me in tears.

I have struggles with bulimia since I was around 16. It never got sever and I went years at a time without a relapse on and off, but the urge just creeps up sometimes.

Please know I am here for you.

[pushing 40]

Originally Posted by changing

Hi again. I have continued to do well with my eating. It is amazing how having my blood sugar controlled has taken away all urges to binge and purge. It is astounding to me.

Pushing40 - I hope I can help someone one day in the same way you've helped me. Thank you so much for your words. Please know there is someone out there who you have really lifted and encouraged. Bless you.

Lalala - THANKS for being my cheerleader and my voice of reason. I am SO appreciate of your advice and cheers! And I'm also a sugar free gum addict.

Your welcome. Just hang in there one day at a time.

[CindyCRNA]

Hi, Changling. I just read your post today and was wondering how you were doing? Don't be ashamed to post if you have been giving in. We are all fighting demons. Talking does help. There is a lot of experience on this board. Tell us how you have been.

[mcz1970]

I hope you are ok. From what I remember, bulimia is a form of OCD. I've heard that Prozac is a successful treatment for eating disorders. Perhaps because it helps one view stress differently?? Not sure. I've never been one to advocate taking an antidepressent, but hey! If it helps, I say go for it.

I'm gonna assume that your doctor doesn't know. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about this. It IS between you and he/she.

Again, I hope everything is ok with you.......

[harkis]

Hey I just read this thread and I wanted to extend my support. I have been in a very nasty place for some time now. I've decided today that I'm going on induction as carbs are what are most triggering for me. I loved what jbbaby said 'god doesn't make junk', it still makes me a little teary-eyed. I am so tired of feeling like a waste of skin. I will stop embracing it!
This is going to be hard. I don't eat meat anymore. I'm eating fish in preparation for a trip to Japan but I don't plan on eating it forever.
jjanet I wish you courage and a peaceful heart. Godbless.

[paperthin]

Hey there - I just wanted to offer my support. I fought eating disorders for many years and it is still a struggle. Please email me if you ever need anything - just to chat even: jessicagenemarsh@hotmail.com is my email. I have been there and I do understand. Much love.

[NutritionIsMyJob]

I was very happy to discover this forum for addictions. I haven't been on LCF for almost 2 years and this wasn't an available place to post back then. I'm 41 years old and I have been bulimic since I was 19 years old. The low carb lifestyle is a real lifesaver in keeping my eating disorder at bay. Like everyone else with this disease; I have relapses---sometimes fairly mild, sometimes quite severe. I would be thrilled to post here several times a week with you or anyone else that suffers from an eating disorder. For the first time in over 20 years, I will have someone to be accountable to. For the record, my DH has no real idea that I'm bulimic. Unfortunately, people with eating disorders learn the master of disguise.