Binge Eating Disorder

[i.am.jenn]

Hello. My name is Jenn and I have a binge eating disorder.

I'm hoping there are a few bingers out there who are interested in trying to get healthy and work through their binge eating disorder.

About me:

I have been a binge eater since I was a teenager... if not my entire life. I have recently started working with a counselor to fully address my eating disorder and to help me conquer this demon.

My binges are embarassing. They last for days. I will buy food at different locations so the employee's do not recognize me. I will eat it all in my car and even resort to littering to hide the evidence from my husband or anyone who might see my car. I plot, I manipulate, I hide. My binge eating disorder affects me when I'm stressed, upset, scared, happy... really anything is a good excuse. I usually binge on fast food and sweets.

I have tried for years to suppress the eating disorder... but I am, for once, actually trying to deal with it. I would love to see if there are more people out there who are dealing with theirs... not suppressing it.

If you can relate to this, hopefully you'll post and we can talk about our struggles with it together.

Jenn

[Happycat21]

Oh, I can so relate......sigh.

[blackbarbie23]

wow i totally understand you

hello im kiyana recovering complusive overeating and sometimes bulimic
once i ate leftovers from the trash and i felt to bad about sinking that low i contemplated all night about killing myself


what the difference between binge eating and coe ?

[i.am.jenn]

HappyCat:

blackbarbie: I would say the difference between me and what I'm reading as a definition for Compulsive Over Eating is that on a normal basis I can eat "normal"... being I can eat a "regular" meal and feel satisfied. I have phases where I binge that may last a few days... and when I binge it's bottomless. I will eat until I am ill, I don't feel full during my binges. But, from what I'm reading about the definition of Compulsive Over Eating is that they overeat on a regular basis (hence the compulsive part).

Is that what you're looking for?

[i.am.jenn]

In hopes that more people will join/share... here is more of me.

I have spent the last few weeks eating whatever I want. Not a binge. My counselor has encouraged me to get out of the mindset of food being "bad" or "good" for me. This kind of thinking is why, when I binge, I eat "bad" food. And I enjoy every last minute of it. I eat fast food, of all sorts. I eat sweets. I would be here all day if I listed all the goodies that I have to get in on a binge.

So the last few weeks I've had to talk myself through things.

I want a burger.
Okay, have a burger.
But burgers are bad for me.
Not anymore. You can have this burger. IF you REALLY want it.
I don't believe you.
No, it's true. You can have this burger.
Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have one. Just to spite you.

So I ordered it. And ate it. And it was delicious. But while I enjoyed the flavor I didn't get a sick satisfaction out of it while I was eating it. It was strange.

So I've dealt with this over the last few weeks. I've fought the urge to hide the eating. I've fought the urge to buy food at multiple places so the cashier won't think "No wonder she's a fat fat fatty." No plotting, no craziness. If I have wanted it, I've eaten it. And it's been no big deal.

I have discovered that it's "Okay" to not order my entire "usual" meal. Like Taco Bueno, I always get (for one meal): Chicken Mucho Nachos, 2 Bean and cheese burritos (with hot sauce) and an order of Cheesecake Chimichangas. Last time I went I was able to say "Ya know, it's okay if I just get the Nachos and cheesecake because I can totally have the burritos tomorrow if I still want them."

I haven't had them yet. And it's "okay". I'm not preoccupied with them, I don't feel cheated and I'm totally okay with the fact that I can eat them for dinner tonight if I want them or I can have tomorrow and that I WILL have them one day in the future.

This, my friends, is an amazing breakthrough for me. I think I am mostly amazed that I don't feel cheated for not getting them.

I have decided to work on portion control in addition to continuing my work on changing my outlook on food. I am also working on changing my focus of food back onto whole foods and off of junk. I have to remind myself, I CAN have the junk. It's okay. I just don't want it for every meal. For right, every few days will be fine... but I'd like to reduce it to once a week.

So that's where I stand today. I hope more people will join me in this adventure.

[maria40nc]

Hmmm... I'll come back when I have more time. I've been known to go on sporadic binges. And when that happens, it looks like a tornado hit my kitchen. When I go back to clean up, I find wrappers or dishes for things I don't even recall eating. <sigh> Off to go clean up a mess before my son gets home...

[i.am.jenn]

Maria - I get that too. I can't remember everything I ate in the binge. It's scary.

[amiga74]

yes, i can relate

[LoraJR72]

B.E.D. survivor here.

[LuckyKitty]

Thanks for starting this thread! I'm a recovered/recovering Bulemic that still struggles pretty regularly with binging -which is ironic since I never really binged as a bulemic

Jenn, that's a great post about the approach you are currently trying. An old counselor of mine suggested a book called "Overcoming Overeating" that recommended a similar one. My fear about trying it again is that my biggest struggle is fighting the urge to anesthetize myself with a binge (am I making any sense explaining it that way?). Can I ask if that's something you have/do struggle with and if/how eating this way is helping with that? If it's too personal, I understand

[i.am.jenn]

Amiga, Lora, Lucky:

Lucky: I am only about three weeks into this. I work on this daily, every time food is a thought in my head... so pretty much every waking minute of every waking hour. Since I am allowing myself to eat whatever I want I am fighting the urge to just gorge myself mindlessly on all of the goodies.

Since I have started this, I am finding is that since it's "okay" to have these things later... I'm not giving them up for good and getting back on the wagon then it's really "okay" that I don't eat them today. I can still have them and I will have them. Just not today, not right this very moment. And I am at peace with this.

I have made the decision to discuss this nasty nasty disorder because if I keep it quiet then I will continue to let it control me. So no, it's not too personal. And thank you for sharing yours!

[LuckyKitty]

Thanks for your quick reply, Jenn!

I think the thing that I'm realizing more and more is that for me it doesn't usually have anything to do with whatever food(s) I choose to binge on, it's more like the actual "high" of it, does that make sense? My attempts to allow this or that food don't seem to help becuase it's more about the numbness from the binge itself than allowing or not allowing food and I don't know how to approach that Binging zonks me out like getting a good drink on;I *know* that being an alcoholic isn't the way I wanna end up, but for some reason I can't apply those feelings toward food, so I excuse the behavior all too often.

Sorry if I'm jacking the thread

[amiga74]

i feel i know exactly what you've been describing, Kat

it's a high, as well as a way to anesthetize feelings for me, too. sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both. i've been doing it since i was 17 or so. some ups and downs. right now i am dieting, and to some extent, probably though cuz i'm a rather all or nothing personality, i can rein it in. but i have binged in the past month, certainly. i've read "overcoming overeating" it is worth a read.

i binge mainly on fast foods and sweets as well Jenn. all the "bad stuff" which points to the way i conceive of this...and probably why its still a struggle

i was really successful in 2007 with lc. i lost alot of weight but i gained it all back and more. and i developed what i believe is an unhealthy relationship with carbs. so this time, i am allowing myself carbs because, for awhile, that's what i was bingeing on, if you follow my logic. However, many folks with BED have related that lc helps them with bingeing urges

[i.am.jenn]

Lucky: Not a threadjack, a discussion.

Yes, it's a total high for me. I'm tired of excusing it. I want to be accountable. I want control.

Amiga: WHEN I lowcarb and I am rockin' a good state of ketosis, no, I don't binge. I don't have the urge. I am awesome! But when I fall off the wagon I am binge city. Every single time. And then I have to get back into ketosis, lose the weight I gained and get back onto losing. It's a horrible horrible cycle and I've been fighting it, and losing the fight, for years. So I have decided to work on the binge itself.

Even when I low carb, I should be able to eat a cheeseburger without needing to drive to another restaurant, order a few more and eat them on the way home... just to get enough. I don't think this is an unreasonable expectation of myself. As long as I continue to not deal with what is driving me to binge, I will continue to fail at my weight loss attempts. There is something wrong with my view of food. That is why I weigh as much as I do and why I continue to fail at my weight loss attempts. Well, that's me anyways... I wish it was easier but not so much.

I'm loving the feedback, please continue to share.

[Mary_M]

I too have been a binge eater. I remember it starting when I was a kid, being the 4th child out of 5 meant grabbing the goodies while they were still there because in a flash they'd be gone. For a little while my mom used to decorate cakes... She'd have a huge bowl of icing in the fridge and I remember sneaking spoonfuls of it. Lots of them. When she found out she yelled at me but never really did much. It didn't have much of an impact, unfortunately, because I still binged on goodies. My father used to buy my sisters and me our own large box of expensive Valentine's chocolates--I'd eat the entire box as soon as I got it. No one ever said anything, it was like they didn't notice. I suppose it wasn't an issue because I was active and didn't exactly have a weight issue.

My first job was at a small gourmet grocery store and I'd secretly take all sorts of goodies. Thankfully I didn't work there for too many years. I remember the first time I was able to buy girl scout cookies with my own money--I secretly bought several boxes and ate them in a matter of hours. Again, I was active (was a runner), so my binges weren't outwardly consequential.

Now in my 30s I'm not able to be as active (have 3 small kids) and while I don't binge as much as I used to, I still do it on occasion. When I do, it shows. I can eat perfectly on plan all week but one binge and I'm back to where I started the week before. It's soooo frustrating. If I didn't binge I would definitely not have the excess weight because I actually eat pretty healthy day-to-day. If I were more active, I probably wouldn't show it at all.

I do have the book Overcoming Overeating but didn't even bother finish reading it because at the time I was at my ideal weight and it sort of didn't matter that I binged because I wasn't "fat". I wish I knew why I binge, I should probably read the book. I am getting better at the binging but only because I am able to stop myself--instead of eating an entire box of chocolates I can spread it out to maybe 2 days. I can go a month or several months without binging and then I just do it. I guess I have to take things one day at a time....

Thanks for having the courage to post, Jenn and everyone, and looking for people to share their experiences. Just being able to type this has helped me face my problem (I have never shared this with anyone!) and look at the things which cause me to do it. I have 3 little girls and it's very important to be a good role model to them, I definitely don't want them to copy this behavior.

[i.am.jenn]

Mary

Thank you for sharing! I actually haven't spoken to my husband or even my Mom about this. I don't know if they are aware of how bad it actually is or if they think I'm just not following my diet. Really, this little message board is the only place I can talk about it and get real feedback besides my counselor, but I see her for 50 minutes once a week. It's nice to have a daily place to chat and read about other people. REAL people, not anonymous clips that I've been reading off a website.

[LoraJR72]

Jenn, ladies, you aren't alone.

[i.am.jenn]

It's really awesome to know that I'm not alone in this. It's also nice to meet people who are recovering from it. It tells me that recovery is possible and that I will be dealing with it for a long long time. But I'm trying!

Today was a decent day. I am pretty sure that when I am busy I eat less. Sunday I had to "snack" every 2-3 hours. Today? I ate breakfast, I ate lunch, I had an afternoon snack and I ate dinner.

As for the urge to hide the goodies... I *had* to hide the tater tot container when I brought food home for DH and I. I'm not sure why I had to hide it, but I did. I do NOT want him to know that I ate tater tots on the way home. No particular reason, he couldn't care less if I did or if I didn't... but he can't know.

Very very strange.

Any of you have strange quirks like this? I know it's not a huge deal but I realize I need to address it since I am "hiding" the food.

And speaking of hiding, I did fess up and show DH my chocolate stash. I hate that I'm sharing it with him but I have to remember that when this bag is empty, if I need more, I can go to the store and buy another bag. No big deal.

Keep reminding myself.

[LuckyKitty]

all around It's nice to have support and wonderful ladies who understand what it's like.

My DH knows about my binging, and I'm actually kinda scared he's starting to pattern his behavior after mine sometimes. We've cut way back on drinking and what-not so I'm worried he's starting to use food to anesthetize himself too It's one more reason I want to get a hold of this for good, cause I think he won't do it if I'm not. Not to mention, we want kids badly and I certainly don't want them to model my behavior! I tend to hide the extent of my binges (eating in the car, throwing away some of the containers before I come into the house), but don't really keep a stash around (would never last ).

Thanks to this thread I'm starting to work on some of my issues in my journal and am working on some daily, monthly and long-term goals that will hopefully get me healthier and improve my relationship with food. I think if I never lost another pound I'd be ok if I could have a "normal" relationship with food/eating

GL to everyone, I look forward to reading about everyone's successes!

[LoraJR72]

I have major control issues when it comes to my eating. This week I do not have an appetite or I should say I'm ignoring the hunger pangs. All my clothes are loose, especially my slacks. I need to go to CVS and get a safety pin for them.

I am worried that my weight is coming off too rapidly.

[flatferenghi]

DON'T feel guilty. guilt is the most fattening emotion there is. I am not so sure that it is based on psychological issues, at least not entirely. i am not a Dr, nor do i play one on TV. I am speaking strictly from personal experience. From Sept 1991 to Dec. 2007, I have lost well over 100 lbs each time, 6 times. But i put it all back each time plus more. Except the last time. When i re-inducted in Jan, i was still about 17 lbs in the black, so to speak-a head start. I believe i am leptin deficient, or my leptin receptors in the brain are not working, or a combo of both. I wish i can prove it. But common sense tells me that in the 6 months from 6/18/07 thru 12/30/07 when i lost 111 lbs. i was subject to the same emotions as when i put the weight on. i certainly was not the victim of a Vulcan mind meld. I have been successful these past months in shortening the duration of binges. They key is forgive yourself and move on. At this point in time, i have been "clean" since jan 12. I see to it that i have the right food, and i am content with slow weight loss. even when the scale does not show my efforts, i know i am doing the right thing, so i am not upset with the scale. Low carb eating is designed to cut down on cravings. However, I require large portions and lots of calories to get me to put the fork down till the next mealtime. Usually, the busier I am, the less i eat. At least now, when i "overeat", it is as close to zero carb as possible. I hope this was somehow helpful. Life is too short to be miserable over something that in all probability is not your fault. Love & Profits: FLATFERENGHI

[gurlradiant]

Hi All,

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories. I am trying to end a two month binge. Today is actually my first day actively trying to break the binge. I woke up, exercised on for 30 min on the treadmill and we up 6 flights of stairs at work. For me binging is not about the type of food as it is about the feeling of numbness and sedation. However, I do tend to binge on fast foods especially Burger King, papa johns, and Oreos. If I am stressed, anxious, or even happy then food puts my emotion back on “normal mode.” The thing that I know is that chewing gum and bananas also calms me down, lol. I have binged for 5 months straight before and gained almost 45 pounds in those five months. I don’t know if therapy is the best method to help myself. However, I know something has got to change. From September to Christmas day, I lost 33 pounds. I am so scared to get on the scale because I have probably gained all 33 pounds back. Please pray for me that today is the day that I stop the binging. My Pattern is that I would eat clean/weight loss mode for 2-3 months then binge for 2-3 months. I hope we keep this thread going and continue sharing inspirations/coping skills.

Any other good booking on stopping binging/food addiction out there

[LoraJR72]

Actually, Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous helps many people with their binge eating and other eating disorders. I did this last year.

[bdladie]

Well I want to mark my spot, I am a binge eater. I have controlled it okay for the last 3 years but struggling with it now. I have beat myself up over this 17 pounds over my lowest weight but still just can't stick with it. I do good for 5 or 6 days then eat everything in sight. I do the hiding too. I have thought I should go get help but just don't know what to tell someone. Everyone keeps telling me be happy with what you have done. They don't understand the guilt.

Tania

[LoraJR72]

Oh, God! I just binged tonight!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck is wrong with me??

Oh, I know, PMS! This crazy BC (Ocella) isn't helping me one bit. I'm going back on the Sprintec.

[bdladie]

I did not binge last night but I did not eat on program. I went to dinner and had ribs. I did not over eat but am sorry I touched them at all. Today is again a new day and back to it.

I normally start binging when I am stressed. I have a lot of stress right now so I am going to really have to work at this. I gave up all processed food for Lent so I have the right mind set to stick with it but only time will tell.

Tania

[i.am.jenn]

Lucky - I don't want DH eating like I do either... and I feel that my "jump in and eat" attitude sometimes just eggs him on to continue eating. I am really happy that my efforts have encouraged you to start REALLY dealing with your issues that drive you to binge.

I made this, a couple of months ago for my blog. I'm obsessed with Post Secrets and I like to make my own secrets and post them on the internet... I think this one is how I was able to really contemplate what a big issue this is for me and the way you describe your food addiction really really hits home for me.



Lora: If it's bothering you, then by definition, it's a problem. Explore it.

Flat: I've lost over 100 lbs before also. And I gained pretty much every pound back. More recently I've only been able to get down to 260 and not below it. And then I fall into a binge and gain and the cycle repeats. I'm addressing the eating disorder because I *could* be good again and lose weight... but the issues will still be there, waiting for me in a moment of weakness and will win again. It's been proven time and time again... And we all know, if you don't achieve your desired results with the method you are using, then it's time to take a different approach. Even if I lost the weight, I'd still have to deal with this demon inside me that is insecure and convinced that I will never have enough and that I need it all right now. Low carb eating regulates your blood sugar and when you don't have the sugar fluctuations it does reduce that physical urge... It doesn't do anything for your emotional urge and THAT is what I need to deal with and why I am here with you fine ladies.

Gurl: East Texas here!!! How ya doing? --- I see that you're doing weight watchers. It's actually the only "diet" that my counselor would recommend for me because it is not restrictive. From the way she described it, it sounds like it teaches you how to eat appropriately. I'm thinking about signing up when I become more familiar with my demons and start learning how to deal with them instead of sedating them with comfort foods. If you are ready to stop binging then I would say focus on it and work with yourself. I'm finding that just like a smoker, I can't quit cold turkey. So I'm working with myself on this. Right now I'm working on eating just one or two "items" for most meals. For example: If I must eat fast food for breakfast, I'll have one chicken biscuit and one order of hash browns instead of 2 chicken biscuits, 1 sausage biscuit and hash browns. I'm teaching myself that it's okay to not engorge myself on this food... and that maybe I'll feel satiated later that morning as if I had eaten all that food (which today was totally true). It's a long process and a lot of work but I am feeling a sense of peace and control that I never felt before when I went remotely near the food. And that high? I'm not getting that either because I'm taking away the power that the food had over me.

Food: I'm better than you.
Me: No you aren't.
Food: Yes, I am. I am delicious and attractive and everyone loves me. Not you.
Me: Well, no one wants you when I'm turning you into poop.
Food: You can't do that, I'm Junk Food.
Me: Psht. Watch this! :chomp chomp yum yum:

Yup, no more power for the food.

Tania: You have to take control from the food. I think, really, it's a control issue for most of us and I'm seeing it a lot in the research on the other eating disorders. We can't control some aspect of our lives so we control our weight. Me? I apparently like to keep it up there.

I had to define the word "unhealthy" for a project and my definition really keeps bouncing around in my head. Unhealthy is when something is affecting you to the point it interferes with your life. When I started thinking about my eating disorder I realized that it was really, truly unhealthy. Just the disorder itself. I should not feel guilty about eating food. Food is good for me. I need it. I will die without it. I should not be hiding food. I should not have to strategize to eat my meals with as little proof as possible... these things should not be happening. Yes, that interferes with my life. I am talking to a counselor I have talked to in the past. And when I quit talking to her before and I realized how helpful she had been for me, I really truly wished I had worked with her on this. And I'm seeing her again and I brought it up to her that I want to work on this and I'd appreciate it if she would force me to discuss it. So far, so good. I am also okay with talking on here about it because you guys can judge me all you want... you're in the same boat! Like I mentioned before, I have not discussed this with my husband, my Mom or my friends. I don't feel that they would understand. You can talk to us, that's why we keep coming back. The more points of view, experiences we can learn about, the more of a grip we'll have on this bad boy... and the better position we'll be in to learn about it. I find the best way to let go of the guilt is to use it to fuel myself to do better. At this moment, I *want* to feel guilty about what I'm eating for dinner. I really, really do. But I take a deep breath and remind myself... it's just food. It has no power over me. I can do this.

Lora: Why did you binge? What was going on? Any particular thoughts, emotions stand out? --- PS - I'm on Lybrel which is a birth control where you have no period (or PMS). If you have really horrible PMS like I do, maybe you would want to look into this one.

Tania: I want to eliminate processed food from my diet but I'm not ready. I really have to break this spell food has over me before I can do that. But I do love whole foods and I understand the religious aspect of Lent so I hope you accomplish this goal. I know you really can't go back on it once you've started. Good luck!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everything I really wanted to say was mentioned above. It's a slow process but I feel that I'm doing well.

[Savannah]

Yep me too, currently binge free for 6 days!
I'll come back

[amiga74]

ugh i binged sunday and monday. wth? maybe i need to stay away from this thread. no offense, really! maybe it triggers me in some way. anyways, stay strong everyone!

[kristio]

Hi... I have struggled with bulimia for years... The only thing that seems to control it is when I am successful in sticking to a LC diet... Once I let go and start with carbs, it's over. When I'm not following LC, I binge like crazy in the afternoon and will then make myself throw up. It's awful feeling so out of control. I can so relate... which is why I'm trying so hard to stick to LC to control the urge to binge.