Binge Eating Disorder

[LowCarbCatholic]

I am doing okay today... it is hard because I am on a meal plan in the caf, since I'm in college. I don't always have very many good options. I could eat hard-boiled eggs every day of my life but that would get a little boring...

I ate popcorn, today though... Probably around 25 carbs in addition to the carbs in my regular meat (3 meatballs, salad w/lettuce, cheese, real bacon bits, and ranch dressing) so I feel a bit guilty. I am gonna try to make it over to work out today.

[Hot Tamale]

Hi Jenn & Everyone. I'm a flaming compulsive overeater - & have been for several decades now. In high school I didn't eat so much cause I would be yelled at - actually spent a lot of time undereating - only ate a few hundred calories a day for several years and got down to my all-time low of 146 (I'm 5'9" - and at 146 I looked good...). In college I pigged out a lot on cheap foods - ramen noodles, cereal, bread... As I got out on my own the quality and quantity of food increased. I was lucky to keep myself under 250. Still didn't look too terrible. Dated rarely and was soooo lonely. Anyway, I got married to a guy with an ulterior motive I didn't detect - but started overeating a lot during this time because I knew something was wrong. I'd hit fast food place after fast food place... We all know the deal. That marriage went sour after 3 years - about the same time I hit 300. I moved cross country to be close to my parents. My mom got sick almost immediately - and I was there to help her in the six years that followed. As she deteriorated I ate more and more and MORE. In that time, however, I also met a nice guy, we married, and I had a set of twins (in addition to his DD from his first marriage). When mom died I got up to 375. I came here and went down to 292. Then I started gaining. Its been about 2 years since that "low." Since then - now - not sure what I weigh - probably 350. The overeating has reached all time lows - and highs. Reflux is a constant issue. I can't sleep well - totally uncomfortable all the time - physically and mentally. Every SECOND is about food or being fat. I feel as though I am at rock bottom - yet there I am, digging the hole even deeper...
All the talking in the world is not helping me. I know I am killing myself. My kids will be so alone. My husband is a good man, but I am their mom. Whatever this is I have - what is happening to me - what I am allowing to happen is killing me - but I can't stop. I am not stopping. What the heck is wrong with me? I'm smart - book smart and logic smart - but this overwhelms me. I'm 41 and I'm a mess. Like a child mentally with this. Jenn, and everyone, just wanted to thank you for your honesty and frankness. I am going to call for counceling - but in the meantime you guys are my sounding board. Thanks.

[Smythe]

welcome hot tamale-
So sorry for your struggles. You are right about this disorder being a slow ride to death. I completely understand. Isn't it odd how intelligent people can continue to do harm to themselves? Knowing the facts doesn't seem to help, but knowing the underlying cause is very helpful. Counseling should help you uncover that.

I suppose if we delved into each other's psyche we would find that we all have a wounded child inside that seeks comfort from food- or if not comfort, then control. I know this is true for me. One of the things therapy taught me was the longer I behaved like a victim, the longer I would remain a victim. Now that's not to say I don't have my moments which on occasion last for months. They manifest as "I don't give a crap" and in those moments- I really don't. Then I snap out of it and find myself 40 lbs heavier. So I start again
Anxiety fuels my disorder. Controlling my carb intake decreases the frequency of my anxiety. My therapist used to call it "catastrophic thinking". In my world I spent my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always on high alert. A sugar coma was a good way to come down from that. I medicate with food and so the urgency I feel when the need to binge takes over really feels like if I don't get this into my mouth I might die. Of course 10 lbs of cookies and a tub of ice cream will kill me eventually too!!
And so we struggle, but knowing that there are others who struggle with us (and whose behavior toward food is similar- is somewhat comforting).

So again, welcome. You are among friends.

[Mogget]

Hey Smythe - I often call myself on catastrophizing; I have it down to an ART form. Fortuantely as my awareness has grown I have become more able to recognise it for what it is, which does rob it of a lot of the power right off the bat, and then enbales me to rationalise out of the rest. A week or so ago I had a total meltdown about my honeymoon plans and my boy gently held me and said "I just need to tell you one thing - you are catastrophizing, and you handle that a lot better when you know!" LOL too true. Catastrophising definitely is a major cause of my own anxiety and I have to be vigilant about my thoughts when they get hysterical and disasterish. These days instead of reaching for food I send out a distress call to my boy demanding pictures of insanely cute critters. Does the job everytime, total state change. You simply cannot go "Squeeeeeeee!" while bouncing on your seat in an overdose of adorable and still imagine DOOOOOOOOOOM!

Anyhow I just wanted to respond as a relate to this so much, and had a crap all morning at work which has now been neutralised and even makes me giggle a bit as I look back and realise it was never that bad but I was catastrophising like crazy! Plus now I have pictures of baby otters!

[Mogget]

Welcome Hot Tamale - there are good good folks here abouts.

[Smythe]

Mogget-
Baby otters Who could be crazed with baby otters in their midst?. I need to find a better way to cope- obviously.

I had a fairly good day yesterday. Final school day before our 11 day break!! I don't know who was more stressed- the kids or the teachers.
Came home and walked 2 miles. My sister called and we went out for dinner. Sushi made with brown rice and appetizer with a sweet mango sauce which was not a good choice. We then went to the furniture store and to make a long story short I was feeling very pressured by my sister to buy the furniture I showed her. Now, I will eventually buy that furniture- just not at that very moment.
Got home- felt hungry- wasn't sure if it was real hunger or not but I popped a mini bag of popcorn and had that...and then the frantic search for relief hit me. Not sure why- anxiety through the roof and I hit the oreos-
The good news is I had 6 and stopped. I wish I hadn't had any, but six is some kind of breakthrough!
My husband always says " when I eat a Cookie I eat 1 or 2. Why can't you just eat 1 or 2". Well if I knew the answer to that my butt would not be the size of a small third world country.
So, I plan on getting right back on the horse today. If I don't tumble into the "oh well I blew it I might as well go all the way" mentality, I will have had yet another success. Odd- to be successful when I've eaten 6 cookies. For most folks that would be a huge tumble off the wagon. For those of us who binge- 6 cookies is a triumph!!
I have a 3 mile walk on my agenda today. Weather is supposed to be nice. We had a little snow in NY yesterday.

Once again I'd like to express how grateful I am for this community. It is a terrific sounding board (no pun intended). I'm so glad you are all here. I know you understand my struggle

[Hot Tamale]

thanks again. listening helps to know I'm not alone. I am not "on-track" right now, but I am gearing up for it. I actually talked to DH about it last night some - he was supportive - but a bit incredulous that I didn't jsut get up early and exercise... It is a bit more involved than that - but it wouldn't hurt to try it! I am going to call this AM for a counselor and I also didn't buy more ice cream or candy last night, so that's a bit of a start... Hope you all have a good day today!

[nic]

I know this message is old, so I quoted it. Have you read the book Potatos Not Prozac? It draws connections between suggar addicition and alcoholism, and provides a guidelines on how to limit your carbs without setting yourself up (priming) for a binge the next time you eat an M&M.. If following an eating plan doesn't trigger some kind of obsessivness (which it does for me, and appears to be so common), I highly recommend it, if only for guidelines.

Originally Posted by galexina

Hi there
I am so glad I found this thread. I am a rock bottom binger, 42. Been in and
out of oa/grey sheet, no programs, diets, low carb ect for years.

Jen,it sounds like your therapist is having you do intuitive eating.
Is that correct? I have always been intersted in it, but cave in
once I dont have the structure of a food plan. I need a nice balance
between structure and free eating.

I really am enjoying these posts. I wish we could be added to the chat
function. I have spent the last 3 days trying to find a chat site for bingers.
With no luck. There were a few but I could not get on them due to my computers firewall/ per its my work computer. I needed to chat so bad
last night, with other bingers. I knew it would have helped cut my binge
down, if I could have reached out and said I am out of controll.

Night times are the worst. I just keep doing myself in. When I eat carbs
like pizza I fall a sleep. I cant even keep my eyes awake. I feel like
a drunk that passed out on the couch. I am also a recovering aloholic.
Almost 6 years sober. I have often said, I am more of an alcoholic with food
than alcohol!

I am posting my email adress .I am trying to build a network of support
with bingers. And for some reason oa is not working for me right now.
I do listen to alot of greysheet phone meetings but they are very sticted .
You must weigh and measure all food, all the time no matter where you are.
It sets me off. Per I feel so humiliated being a freak with food as it is.
Then to have to take a digital scale out in public, just makes me nuts.
I wind up binger harder. I do well following the grey sheet food plan
with modifications. Per I can seem to handle to many carbs.

I know this is a huge emotional disorder too. I would love to connect
with you folks and see if I can figure a way out of this hell
I am in. Here is my email adress. Please no soliciations, just bingers reply.
Thanks so much

galexina@hotmail.com / Cara is my name.

[Hot Tamale]

I will have to get that book. I, also, pass out after carbs. Today it was all I could do to stay awake when driving. Then, I heard DD11 telling DD5 to gt her bathing suit on so they could go work out in the pool. DD5 is chunky for her age. DD11 is pretty "normal." I took her aside and told her it wasnt for her to tell her little sis that she was overweight or had a big tummy...yet that is just what she did. Then I talked to little sis, who told me that big sis told her she hates to look at me because of my big fat stomach and they needed to exercise so they would never look like me. Needless to say, my heart breaks for my daughters - and just a little bit more for me.

[Smythe]

Oh Hot Tamale!! Children don't know how much their words can hurt, but having said that 2 things come to mind.
#1- Your normal size DD is not so wrong. Being physically active is a good thing, but I would watch her and make sure she does not become obsessive about her eating and exercise in an attempt to stay "normal". 11 years old is a prime time for ED's to pop up especially if puberty is starting.
#2- Helping your 5 year old make better choices may in turn help you. Sometimes we find that we don't feel worthy of saving ourselves, but to save our child we'd do anything!
So how about this- tell your 11 year old that she is right- exercise is important for everyone's health and do a family walk after dinner each night. Start slow and build up. It will give you a boost to know your helping your girls and at the same time help you as well.

nic- Potatoes not Prozac? I never heard of that book but my goodness- it seems that the title hits it right on the head for me. I am going to make that a summer reading book for myself! Thank you so much for the suggestion


Ok, so coming off of my triumphant minimal cookie "binge", yesterday was a very good day! I got right back on plan and stayed there. I did not do my 3 mile walk, but I'm heading to the gym today to get that done.

Have a great day Ladies

[TXUKGal]

Hi All

Thought I might join this thread and post my story.

I am a recovering binge eater. I remember when I was 15 thinking that soon I could drive and I'd be able to go to all the local fast food places and get whatever I wanted and no one would know. I'm sure in the back on my mind, I knew this was the starting of a problem.

I've always been a secret binger (aren't most ppl though) and my husband never knew I binged until I confessed to him one day. He had no idea what it was and what I did. I was really good at hiding my binges. I was not a compulsive binger but when I did binge, they were big ones. I think I was at times a COE as well. Are you still considered a COE if you are grazing?

I eventually had some counseling (originally I went because I was seeking gastric bypass) and came to terms with what and why I was binging. It helped me a lot once I was honest with my husband and had to be accountable. Eventually the binges got fewer and further between.

I've not had a full blown binge in a few years but I have had some episodes of overeating. Like being an alcoholic, it is something that I work on all the time. I am learning my triggers and testing my boundaries and am learning how to treat myself better. I can tell when one is coming on because I start to get this feeling of "searching" for something. I'll have a little of this, a little of that until I have a big binge and finally get that full, satisfied feeling which only lasts a short while until the guilt and shame set in.

I love food and always will and I still sometimes think about having a binge but I remind myself how far I've come. Binging got me to 353lbs and on loads of medication at a young age. Being 353lbs from binging got me isolation and being down on myself and several steps closer to an early grave.

Something has clicked in me and I don't want to hurt myself like that anymore. I still have issues but no where what I use to have. I am so much stronger in myself now.

I am glad (maybe not the best word) that there are others just like me. It's always comforting to know that there are others who understand what you're going through.

[TXUKGal]

Originally Posted by Smythe

It is that hunger that is the itch I try to scratch with a binge. Disaster averted this time. {sigh}.

I too get this feeling and it doesn't dawn on me where it's leading until I've been grazing for a bit. Mine is brought on by some sort of anxiety, could be a fear or a worry or sometimes thinking of something that makes me sad. I have learned to channel that differently now.

That weird "hunger" is insane and so very hard to tame. Thankfully, when I am LCing well, it is under control. I notice that it starts to awaken when I've had too many carbs or there has been hidden sugar or something of the sort. Still not completely to terms with it but working on it daily.

You said something in your post about not being able to eat what others were having. I am going to be in a similar situation next week. There is a get together for a lady I work with and it will be at a restaurant where there will be extremely limited choices, I might be lucky to get a salad. I have decided to eat something before I go and to focus on the social aspect and not what I or others are eating. I even thought about skipping the event because I was so worried about food. If I do that, then food and compulsions win and I don't want that. I'll order a salad so that I won't stand out so much as the "odd one" and focus on my work mates and getting to know them better.

I guess what I'm saying is that, for me, if I focus on what I can't have and how different my eating is to others, it alienates me and brings on negative feelings that can trigger binges. Instead, I'm trying to focus on what's positive and enjoy things for what they are.

I don't know if any of this helps but I felt like posting because I saw myself in what you had posted.

[Smythe]

Hi Tex!!
It all helps. Every bit of it. You have come a very long way! Congrats on taming the beast- at least at times.
I agree that focusing on the negative is counter productive. The "poor me" frame of mind is deadly. I also feel like the alcoholic- gave to avoid certain things/triggers at all costs. Searching is a really good way to put it. I never really know what I'm looking for until the binge is over and then I realize food was not what I was searching for, but a poor substitute to fill some crazy void. Complex creatures, are we not??

On a lighter note, would you do me a favor an tell me everything you know about low cost European airlines. I just posted on the playground in the hopes someone would be familiar with them- Ryanair, Condor, Air Berlin etc.

Thanks- and welcome to the thread!

[TXUKGal]

I'm am SURE there must be a chemical difference between my brain and my husband's. He NEVER thinks about food and can sometimes completely forget to eat. He can have a little something and be satisfied and he never overeats. I have no idea what it's like to eat an apple or a few bits of something and be satisfied and happy, sigh.....lol. So, yes, we are so very complex.

I've posted about the airline on your thread so as not to highjack this one .

[gettingwell]

I am ABSOLUTELY convinced there are biochemical differences in people with EDs and people without--one of these days, they'll figure them all out and develop a REAL cure for us sufferers. I just don't buy into the idea that it is all psychological--I am convinced that there is a physiological component to my ED--and no one can convince me otherwise!

[Smythe]

getting well-
I absolutely agree. The symptoms of anxiety are physiological for sure- heart racing, shakes, shortness of breath etc. But I remember those feelings associated with other triggers in my childhood. It's so strange. That type reaction as a response to fear makes total sense, but the same reaction as a response to a food trigger boggles my mind. In the same way that seeking safety from what I knew was going to do me harm as a kid (which did not involve food)- I seek food as an adult to quell that same physiological response. How I ever made that synaptic connection is a puzzle. How to break is is even more of a mystery.
Ah well. Live and wonder.

I've been on vacation from work since Thursday. Life is so easy when I'm not in the trenches! I live for these breaks- especially summer. Won't be long now. Just 8 weeks left in the school year.

I'm off to the recipe room or Linda Sue's site to look up an appertizer I can bring to Easter dinner tomorrow.
Wish me luck!

Have a wonderful day everyone!

[TXUKGal]

Originally Posted by Smythe

I'm off to the recipe room or Linda Sue's site to look up an appertizer I can bring to Easter dinner tomorrow.
Wish me luck!

Have a wonderful day everyone!

I love Linda's site. It really helps keep me on track with ideas for induction friendly meals. In fact, I am making her bulgoki beef tonight with faux fried rice and lettuce to wrap the beef in. Yum.

[fenella]

I'm new here, but not to Low Carbing (and certainly not to dieting). I was (am?) bulimic and I suppose I suffer from BED (I know I do, I just didn't have a name for it before now). I am so ashamed of the binges. I think I learned the behavior from my mom, who used to do it, too. I will order stuff from a drive-thru and order 2 or 3 drinks just so the workers don't suspect that I'm going to eat everything myself. I find myself unable to decide what to have, so I have everything! Then I feel guilty, but instead of changing my ways, I eat more! I can eat most of a bag of miniature candies at a time. I will eat a full meal sometimes before I go out to eat with friends, just so I don't make a fool of myself with the amount I can pack away. I am glad that this thread is here. I feel such shame for my eating disorders. I am not a stupid person...I know eating a double cheeseburger AND a chicken sandwich is too much food. I feel like I should be able to reason my way through them, but I have such a whacked-out relationship with food and my own body that I haven't been able to cope. I need to get back to a low-carb WOE, partly because I need the structure. I have tried "just cutting the junk" before, and it never works. I need to have a solid delineation between yes and no foods. (I know that isn't really healthy, either, and is not really advocated in any of these plans, but it is what I need to get by). Thanks for sharing and making me feel not so alone in this.

[Smythe]

Hi Fenella-
Welcome. The drive through scenario you describe is very common for us, I think. After all- 3 meals, 3 drinks...makes total sense in our twisted minds.
{{sigh}}


Yesterday was spent with family. I did not have a great weekend in terms of eating on plan. I definitely over ate, but I think this is different from a binge. I did not feel (at any point during the weekend) that I desperately needed to feed. I did make choices not on plan- Chinese food for 1 and potatoes, ambrosia, birthday cake (not mine) and ice cream yesterday. After dinner I had to drive my son back to school. When I got home I was hungry again...or tired...never too sure what real hunger is- I had left over Chinese. But none of this was with that frenzied feeling I have during a binge.
Am I fooling myself? Is there really a distinction between over eating an entire weekend, and what I know to be a binge? I'm not sure, but I don't feel the same guilt and shame I would normally feel after a binge. I feel a bit angry with myself for my poor choices- like I set my weight loss back a few days- but it seems different to me.
Perhaps I'm rationalizing

[nic]

Smythe - No, I think there is definitely a difference. I mean, either way it's extra calories, however, "just overeating" doesn't really perpetuate itself in the same way as binging. I think The Binge is a result of negative feelings (you know, trying to comfort oneself), and once it's started we have negative self-hate feelings about The Binge itself, and then the need to binge more to quell those negative feelings until we're frenzied and pass out from sugar coma and don't feel anything anymore. Except for when we wake up the next day regretting and self hating and it starts all over again. So my advice to you is to not beat yourself up about "just overeating." As a matter of fact, good job that you didn't start to hate yourself and have to binge to quiet it.

[DCellen]

Originally Posted by gettingwell

I am ABSOLUTELY convinced there are biochemical differences in people with EDs and people without--one of these days, they'll figure them all out and develop a REAL cure for us sufferers. I just don't buy into the idea that it is all psychological--I am convinced that there is a physiological component to my ED--and no one can convince me otherwise!

I agree completely. I believe I have a physical allergy to sugars, grains, and starches. They make me feel like I'm drunk. They make me crave more of the same with an intensity that most people wouldn't believe. If I am hungry and eat bread or a pastry, I end up hungrier than if I hadn't eaten anything at all. I think I was born with a predisposition to this, but brought it to full fruition by repeatedly abusing these substances. I swear, I have some sort of neurological receptor problem related to specific foods.

I also believe part of it is psychological/behavioral in that this is how I have always dealt with stress/anxiety/boredom. Using these substances to narc out since I was a little kid, I never developed healthy ways of dealing with these feelings. Man, does THAT take work now that I'm 40 and still don't have the stress management skills of a 10 year-old. I can handle it for awhile, but over time, the stress and anxiety build up and I just don't know what to do with it. All the skills I am given (meditation, prayer, hobbies, talking, etc.) help a little, but nothing quite does the trick like totally narcing out with food. Alas, my abuse of food soon BECAME my greatest source of anxiety and stress!

I don't have a lot of hope that medical science will fix this. Shoot - most doctors and nutritionists I know still don't believe that eating disorders are "real diseases" - just code words for "non-compliant patient".

[nic]

Oh boy this is long.

So I found this forum last week and have been catching up on old posts, and I thought it might be therapeutic (or something?) to share my story. Maybe some of you have some insight into it..

I have BED which sometimes goes to bulimia. I also have OCD, which ads something fun. I am insulin resistant (which I probably gave myself from all the high carb binges).
My parents are alcoholics and left me alone all the time when I was a kid. Without going into detail, this was fairly traumatic. Hours and hours of waiting, and trying to like, make them come back by sheer mental will. I got fat when I was 8. In six months I went from 75 lbs to 115. I would come home from school, go to the corner store and just buy bags and bags of chips. The big bags. The guy was like, “What, are you throwing a party?” Nope, no party. My parents did a lot of screaming and yelling and throwing things, so I was always anxious and easily scared and painfully shy. And now fat. So no friends, no party. So I would get home with my loot and eat it all while watching tv and fall asleep. I’d wake up in the evening and eat while waiting for my parents. This is gross, but I also started rechewing my food. I guess the stomach is so full, some comes back up (pretty much whole because I didn’t chew on the way down). Gross, I know. Sorry. This wasn’t really something I thought about, just a habbit that formed. And then I started doing it whenever I ate anything, not just after a binge.

Got fatter through high school, but was able to make some friends and find some peace. Then I had to go to college and I sank into a pretty major depression from new scary things(still afraid of people), and the loss of the friends that I had made and become a part of my life. I think before that I wasn’t really depressed, I was just always anxious. During the first semester of college I lost 15 lbs (155 to 140) because of this depression. Then it went away and I was just always anxious, and by my senior year I was 170. During this time I wasn’t really binging, or at least not in the frenzied zoned out find-wrappers-of-food-you-don’t-remember eating way. I was just eating too much. Felt nervous, eat. Felt fat, eat.

Got a boyfriend in college, but it was terrible. He treated my badly (not physically) and I wasn’t happy. Started to get obsessive about things. The first thing was baseball. There were many things after that, none of them important unto themselves. But they were all consuming (in terms of my mental energy) I started making lists and having routines I couldn’t break.

So this boyfriend leaves me and I am consumed by the OCD and I lose 45 lbs in two months. I didn’t eat because I was depressed, and oh look, numbers dropping on the scale, something to count, the food that goes into my mouth, something to make a list of. So here is where I think I crossed some kind of mental line. For the first time in my life (or since I was 7 when I didn’t really have much of a sense of body), I was not overweight. And look, people were nicer to me. I could go out, and get into clubs, and boys would buy me drinks without feelings obligated to because I was with my hot friends. It felt good. So then my whole life started to become about not gaining weight, and dating a lot of boys. And saving money because I poor just out of college.
So fine, years go by, the OCD is getting worse and worse. I broke up with someone I loved and was with for two years because he kept leaving snacks and junk food in my apartment, and I couldn’t not eat it. I basically maintained my weight by not keeping food in the house. I’d gain some weight when I had a boyfriend because of his eating habbits (and probably the fact that being in a relationship gives me anxiety). I’d have binges throughout these years, but they weren’t frequent. Maybe once a month? Most of the time I’d throw up afterwards. Or just spit out the food that came up to re-chew. (sorry again, gross).

I stopped eating during the day for two reasons. The first was that I could not remain awake after I ate. This terrible lethargy would come over me, and I couldn’t stand the feeling. And if I was at work, you know, I can’t be sleeping, and if I was at home, I would have to nap. And napping really really bothers me. I wake up confused and horribly scared, and the world doesn’t seem right for a long time afterwards. And also, if I ate during the day, I would continue eating until I went to bed for the night. Can’t have that. So I guess I used the OCD to give me things to distract myself from being hungry, to occupy my mind so that I wasn’t experiencing it. But then what happens is you don’t really experience life either. I couldn’t focus on what people were saying because in my head I was making lists or scheduling my route to whatever errands I had to run (which I didn’t really have to run, but I had made a list and have to stick to the list).

Then 3 years ago I moved into an apartment by myself (without roommates) for the first time ever. I didn’t really acknowledge that I didn’t like living alone, I just went out all the time, and drank way too much. After two years, I wasn’t really in my head at all. By this I mean, I wasn’t ever thinking about the present moment, in the present moment. I couldn’t read a book, or watch a movie, or sometimes follow a conversation. I did everything real on autopilot, with the majority of my mental energies focused on OCD crap that didn’t matter (Oh, but it did matter). Somewhere along the line I started to cook for myself, so grocery lists and meal planning became a huge part of this insanity. Because I couldn’t trust myself to eat the right amounts “on the fly” everything had to be planned. It was exhausting. In some ways this was a really torturous existence. But in other ways, I wasn’t really living in the moment or feeling anything at all, and I really thought I was happy just because I wasn’t feeling sad. But I lost all my interests (couldn’t pay attention to them), I lost my love of my job (couldn’t focus), and all the really important parts of life weren’t there anymore. But I didn’t realize it. I knew something horrible had happened to me, but honestly I thought I had given myself some kind of brain damage from drinking too much.

So fine. Enter Boy. Boy draws me away from my life of serial dating non-commital relationships. He enters my rigid OCD life, and now he is the focus. But now I have to balance maintaining him, my food plans, my social life, and all the other ******** I was crazy with (home improvements). Again exhausting, but I’m happy to do it. Exit boy.

Devestation. All of the things that I had built I felt were gone. I was lost for many months in OCD land, not eating, trying to fix my body, my hair, my face, my house. Down to 118. Sought therapy. Kind of gained some perspective about what the hell is going on with me. Broke the majority of the OCD habbits and thinking. But now there is the food. I can’t. Stop. Eating.

Take all of my crazy distractions away, and I am intolerably miserable, and I do not know how to comfort myself without food. And it’s almost worse now, because I make the choice, almost every time, AND I’M AWARE OF IT. So gain weight so that I can focus on losing weight and not have to deal with the present. But I don’t know how to deal with the present. Binge so I can plan days of not eating and see some numbers drop. Get there, and either go further, or let the numbers grow again.

There’s really two separate issues, I finally realized. There’s eating to comfort, and then there’s eating (planning, cooking, dieting) to take me out of the moment. The problem is that the latter is the “solution” to the former. I can break the planning/cooking/dieting OCD and calm myself about the panic. But I still eat for comfort and I don’t know how to do anything else. And then I gain weight until I’m in a panic and have to do the solution. But thinking about food all the time doesn’t leave enough psychic space for anything else, and it’s not the way I want to live.

[fenella]

Nic, Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have a lot going on...I hope that you have a strong support system
Though I don't have OCD (at least, I've never been diagnosed with it or anything, nor do I ritualize), I can relate to the order part of dieting. Part of the problem with me on diets is that I become obsessive about them...counting everything, reading about them, logging every morsel, weighing and measuring sometimes a few times a day. Not healthy, I know, but eating is an all-or-nothing most of the time for me. That is, I either don't really thing/care at all about what I'm eating, or I obsess over every last morsel.
I was engaged a few years ago to a guy that didn't ever have food/weight issues. It wasn't until I lived with him that I realized how absurd my relationship with food was (Heck, it seemed normal enough in my household). I drove him crazy with the diet stuff, I'm sure...I tried to hide it so that I didn't look like a total freak. He would say things like, "If you want to lose weight, then just don't get the french fries." To me, he may as well have been speaking a foreign language. I couldn't get over how he acted with food. "Do you want a brownie?" "No thanks, I'm not hungry." What?! Brownies are his favorite. I couldn't imagine actually turning my favorite food down because I "wasn't hungry."
It was a real eye-opener as to how those without food/eating/weight issues live. Amazing to me, and embarrassing that I can't just be the same way.

[Mommy2aCutie]

Finally, I found a place that people will understand what I am going through. Marking my spot. I will be back.

[steady]

Nic---Thank you! Thank you for writing your story in brutal detail. I am sorry you had a tough childhood. I have been diagnosed with non-purging bulimia, comorbid OCD & anxiety. The way you so eloquently expressed your feelings and thought process is exactly the same for me, especially the OCD behavior (overplanning-thinking of the future) helps you "numb" your present anxiety. I wish I had real solution to offer you... I don't. I am sorry! I can only relate, especially since most of my behavior centers on food. I will tell you what I have been doing in recent months that has helped me. I have been following The Diet Cure by Julia Ross and I have been reading books by Geneen Roth's. Let me premise the rest of what I tell you, by first saying I am skeptic and I loathe self-help books, but I am a "do-it-yourselfer" and "problem solver". I am sort of dealling with my problem from various stand points- biochemical (past & present), past experiences, response behavior/attitude (present and future). Biochemical...this is where the Diet Cure come into play. I take supplements that address my OCD, bulimia, and anxiety on a physical/mental level. (BTW, I loathe the dependence on people and things, but the idea is you will wean off of most of supplements). On an emotional/mental level, Roth's books help me see why I've been behaving the way I behave (ie. OCD with food and bingeing). Your writing/analysis of yourself is very much like Roth's I think you will get alot out of reading them if you have not already. Now I am working on dealing with my present behavior and attitude and changing them. Although, OCD in its own right, I've come to analyze every thought, feeling, behavior. For example, I ask myself why am I surfing the net for recipes for Thursday's 3pm snack when it is only Tuesday at noon. Yes, I know the answer...At first I try to justify that I "need" a break and I can only "succeed" if I plan. But really I am trying to escape the present... I don't want to be working on the work I need to do, I don't want to be AT work, I am procrastinating, I am tired, I want my present demands to "go away", etc. So what do I do now? I stop surfing for recipes, clear my head with a restroom break, and close ALL 50 internet windows I have open (I have a touch of ADD too!) and MAKE myself concentrate on my present work for 1 solid hour. Just like you, I realized I don't want to live a life of controlling and preventing mind racing anxious thoughts through carefully over-planned schedules. Although it is a slow process, I really feel I am making progress. I am not saying that I have 100% success rate...I still binge, but far less often and in fact now I consider it an intentional binge...I remain present during the binge...and guess what? I don't eat nearly as much or for as long. I find myself realizing I "had enough" with bingeing and with what I was actually eating.

IMHO- I really think comfort eating and eating to escape the moment really two ways of dealing with the same problem--the present. Comfort eating is to "dull" the "pain" of the present situation when you can't escape, but escape eating is to temporarily numb or avoid the present. We prefer to escape when we can....

Remember- you aren't living the present when you behave in response to your past and you have the opportunity to change your present life only in the present.

[Smythe]

nic-
thanks for sharing. Looks like you and Steady may turn out to be quite helpful for each other.

Fenella-
I recognize myself in what you write. I also become obsessive with my food plan. I cannot trust what other people may put in my food in an attempt to sabotage my success. . I loved your "you want a brownie?" story. I am married to that guy for 20 years. He used to be heavy as a kid- got a grip in HS and never looked back. He'll have a forkful of birthday cake and throw the rest out- or not have the brownie because he isn't hungry. How foreign is that????

Anyway, I feel from grace yesterday. My overeating led to a binge, but as binges go this one was different. I hit the oreos- about 15 of them- entered the drug induced coma. Later in the evening I had a bowel of cheeseitz and 3 chocolate chip cookies. Binge over. I did eat off plan too- pasta for dinner, so I carbed like crazy yesterday.
My Husband has not been feeling well since last Thursday and yesterday he finally agrees to go to the doctor because his scrotum has ballooned up to the size of a softball. High fever, and discomfort since Saturday yet does nothing to help himself until disaster hits yesterday. I was/am very upset with him...and thus the feeding frenzy I suppose.
{{sigh}} how self sabotage gets back at him for not taking better care of himself I don't know. Here's a guy who is so obsessive about his health (and is usually never sick) but is really falling apart. Shoulder injury and surgery, injections for back pain, high cholesterol, and now this crazy thing...yet he goes to the gym day before yesterday to get a workout in. And BTW- he is the absolute worse patient EVER!!!!

Perhaps we just have different forms of the same disorder.

So today is another opportunity to get on track. We have to go to see another doctor today. I'll do my best to stay out of the cookie jar...it just makes me more depressed when the "session" is over.

[CourtneyC]

Hi Jenn. I think we are long lost sister's. I have been reading your posts and we are very similar. I called and am waiting to hear back from a therapist who specializes in eating disorders such as overeating.

[CourtneyC]

what is BED?

[Smythe]

Originally Posted by CourtneyC

what is BED?

binge eating disorder

[seadragon]

Hello All,

I am so sick and tired of dieting and self-hatred. This cycle has been going on since childhood. This sickness has caused me to behave in ways I am not proud. I have been low-carbing for years now, with never a weight change. Regardless of the weight, I need to stop binge/starve cycles. I am really thinking about joining Overeater's Anonymous. I have already decided to take on the "Grey-Sheet Diet".

I was wondering if any of you have joined/or dieted this way. If so, can you please share your results. So many of forget how painful food addiction is, because we need food to live.

Many thanks in advance.