Anyone have a SO with a drug or alcohol problem?

[Kenzie]

My boyfriend of 2+ years has struggled with drugs and alcohol since his teens it is pretty inconsistent and has gotten very hard for me recently. Does anyone else have a spouse, boyfriend, SO with drug or alcohol addiction? If so I'd love to chat.

[Mogget]

Hey Kenzie,

My fiance is an alcoholic and recreational drug user... I don't find his drug use to be problematic as it is irregular and fairly tame, but the drinking is full on and nightly. When we started going out 2 and a half years ago he wouldn't even talk about stopping drinking... these days he's happy to talk about how he doesn't like drinking so much, he's getting fed up with it, wants to stop and periodically makes an effort to go without or drink less. I think he is moving in the right direction.

[Kenzie]

That's awesome that he is moving in the right direction, my SO however is so different, he can go weeks sometimes even a month without drinking then will just have a week where he will drink every day. It's becoming a money issue as well because he doesn't buy the cheap beer and will most often get beer and some other type of hard liquor or wine as well. His dad lectured him today and got mad at me because he thought I had been talking to his dad, but I haven't been, we are all just concerned about him. I think at times this is the man I want to marry because he is so great when he is not drinking, but when he is drinking I just want to leave.

[Mogget]

That's a tough situation Kenzie - when it is erratic like that it is, I think, even more disruptive as you never know whether he going to be drunk or sober... It is espeially hard if you are unhappy when he is drinking. May I ask what is it about him drinking that upsets you? The sheer ammount and health effects? Does he have a bit of a personality change when he drinks? What happens that makes you unhappy and want to leave him?

I am lucky in that my boy drinking does not alter his personality (he gets a little more talky (dear God the drunken rambling explanations of advanced algebra!!) and of course loses a degree of physical co-ordination, but that's it) - he is the same man drunk as he is sober... it has forced me to really examine why I don't like him drinking because I cannot honestly say that him drinking directly negatively affects our relationship... he is extremely functional and responsible, never misses work, puts himself or others in danger, or shirks his responsibilities, always pays his bills and rent, is unfailingly lovely to me... Drunk or sober he is the man I want to marry, and I'm happy to let him come the point where he wants to stop and support him in that when he is ready.
Most of my prejudice against his drinking is due to societal pressure and stigma aginst "alcoholics" and "enablers" - if I hadn't been told the ammount he drinks is a problem I wouldn't have known he had one.

[StyngerIsAScorpio]

I feel for you deeply. I was with an alcoholic for six years, off and on. I ended it three times and then took him back. He never missed a day of work, ever. But the weekends were a total loss. We had to shop for groceries at his favorite store because then he could suddenly "suggest" we stop in for a quick one on the way home.....
I learned alot from the experience but the most important one was this: make sure you make an appointment with your doctor. Get a complete physical if you haven't had one recently. And then stay on top of your health. Living with a substance abuser, no matter how infrequently or how little is horrible on your health. It's responsible for stress related illnesses all over the spectrum.
I finally had to end it for good. It was him or me. And once I cut ties, I cut them completely. I haven't seen him in two years but he was calling almost every day until the holidays.
Being the SO of anyone with a substance abuse problem is a very difficult position to be in. Take care of yourself first. You have only one life to manage (unless you have kids) and that is your own. I hate to sound harsh or cold, but it can tear you down and suck the life right out of you. Getting over being with a substance abuser is dealing with post traumatic stress...for real.
Think long and hard about it. Until he wants help, he won't stop. And every day you lose is one you can't get back......
Just sayin.....
And I'll keep you in my prayers. Good people try to stick by them and it is heartbreaking.

[Mogget]

Good advice about staying on top of your health Stynger - it's easy for a "big problem" to eclipse all those little warnings like feeling tired and run down.

I'm glad you eventually got out and things improved for you.

[StyngerIsAScorpio]

TY Mogget, it really is wonderful to have that in my rear-view mirror. It was one of the hardest things to deal with because you not only have the effects of the relationship to get over and work through but you end up mourning the relationship you worked so hard to fix. I'm a nurse and of course want to fix everyone! I look at it as a good lesson, not wasted time. We go through things for a reason.


How are things going for you?

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by StyngerIsAScorpio

TY Mogget, it really is wonderful to have that in my rear-view mirror. It was one of the hardest things to deal with because you not only have the effects of the relationship to get over and work through but you end up mourning the relationship you worked so hard to fix. I'm a nurse and of course want to fix everyone! I look at it as a good lesson, not wasted time. We go through things for a reason.


How are things going for you?

I'm glad you see it as a lesson and not a waste. I am very like that with the various stuff I have come through - and yes sometimes I need to repeat the lesson a few times but so long as I I take some value from even the most negative experience then my life has meaning and purpose.
I'd struggle to cope if I felt victimised by my circumsatnaces, rather than informed and educated by them.

We have had a roughish week with all the stress of bushfires and trying to help out, worrying about family etc, but it seems that thigs have moved into the recovery/rebuilding phase... These people will need support for months/years and we are now pacing ourselves emotionally and financially so we can support in the long haul. Contributing helps.... I guess to make us feel less helpless. It's so inspiring how people are pulling together.

Our wedding plans are proceeding nicely (intersperesed with my semi-regular freak outs about such dire things as where to put the cat while on honeymoon, will we ever have enough money to retire and whether to invite my extranged brother - or more to the point how to get away with NOT inviting him....). We're even talking about future stuff like where we want to buy our first home. That's a few years awaybut we are warming up to it slowly so we don't get too scared!

We have been pretty slack on the homefront due to all the ambient stress but that is setttling and hopefully this week will look more productive.

I do need to get out and about and visit friends more but our two sets of best friends (both couples) are each getting married in about 4-6 weeks so they are quite preoccupied... as a result we've become a bit insular.

The boy has been drinking a bit less recently (several evenings he has bought soft drink instead of the usual beer, and on drinking nights is getting less messy), but it has always ebbed and flowed and a couple of weeks ago he was on a higher point... he says he likes having more disposable income when he drinks less, hey every little bit helps

[Kenzie]

Originally Posted by Mogget

That's a tough situation Kenzie - when it is erratic like that it is, I think, even more disruptive as you never know whether he going to be drunk or sober... It is espeially hard if you are unhappy when he is drinking. May I ask what is it about him drinking that upsets you? The sheer ammount and health effects? Does he have a bit of a personality change when he drinks? What happens that makes you unhappy and want to leave him?

I am lucky in that my boy drinking does not alter his personality (he gets a little more talky (dear God the drunken rambling explanations of advanced algebra!!) and of course loses a degree of physical co-ordination, but that's it) - he is the same man drunk as he is sober... it has forced me to really examine why I don't like him drinking because I cannot honestly say that him drinking directly negatively affects our relationship... he is extremely functional and responsible, never misses work, puts himself or others in danger, or shirks his responsibilities, always pays his bills and rent, is unfailingly lovely to me... Drunk or sober he is the man I want to marry, and I'm happy to let him come the point where he wants to stop and support him in that when he is ready.
Most of my prejudice against his drinking is due to societal pressure and stigma aginst "alcoholics" and "enablers" - if I hadn't been told the ammount he drinks is a problem I wouldn't have known he had one.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you on this one, haven't been on the computer in awhile. What makes me so upset about is drinking is #1 the personality change, he becomes mean when he drinks, he isn't physically abusive, but will say mean things. He does not act like the same person drunk as he does sober. He will stumble around and has hurt himself several times because of it. #2 it has become a money issue, I lost my job 3 months ago, so we really can't afford any "extras". My biggest addiction used to be Starbucks, well now I make my own at home. He spends around $20 every time he drinks, and the weeks he drinks every day, that is over $100. That'd pay a big chunk of the bills.

I went to an Al Anon meeting this week, just to get the feel of it, not too sure about it yet, but I'll keep going and see how it goes.

[jedavis]

I am a nurse at a treatment faciliy. I worked in inpatient(alcohol and drugs) for almost a year and now I am in the out patient department (methadone and suboxone clinic) for a year and half. If anyone has any questions I would be glad to answer any if I can.

[Mogget]

Hey Kenzie,

That is a hard one - the personality change when he drinks is unlikely to do anything but get more extreme. And is he is drinking everynight, wel then he is potentially being mean every night - that's not good for you. I think checking out al-anon is a great idea - especially as he is being mean. You need some support and a network in place who can help you take care of yourself, and maybe help to broach it as a coupe. DO you guys ever talk about it?

I have thought about Al-anon several times but my situation being so benign has made me unwilling.... I live in a really rough neighborhood where people's storries of how a spuse drinking effects them are likely to be extreme; it would not feel right to turn up and say that his slurring is a bit undignified and things of that level. Also I admit, I dread being accused of being an enabler... We have a very co-dependant relationship. We both have an extrememly high value on non-interference and on acceptance, This means that behaviour other people would object to we accept. We may not like it but we accept it. It works brilliantly for us but people very often get judgemental about it and I have been attacked in the past for "allowing" him to drink, told I am enabling him, been told I must leave - all sorts of things...

Actually I have good news in my situation: he is really fed up with how much he drinks. He wants to stop but finds it hard. I said I would whatever I could to help him and he immediately requested me to be more honest and upfront with my perspective at the time he drinks ie. SAYING I'd like you not to have another drink tonight, I'm glad you are sober tonight, I don't like it when you get this drunk etc. He is very motivated by my needs and wants. He is also likely to get grumpy with me at the time so this will take courage! Tough job but I want to help.

He is also for the first time in many many years able to say that he enjoys being sober as much or more than being drunk - this is a really big deal as you can imagine. I hope it will help.

Jedavis - if you have any advice that would be applicable for someone in my situation I would appreciate it. My guy has built up a fair tolerance to alcohol, meaningt o get drunk he drinks a LOT but does not go into DT's when sober and can go without drinking, sometimes choosing not to drink for one reason or another and be happy and have a good time still - but mostly he chooses to drink, it's very much a habit and he definitley uses it when he gets stressed out, or if things go wrong - then he turns immediately to that familiar thing. I want to support him however I can. We have very open dialouge. He is somewhere between a way and a long way off being willing to enter a 12 step program.

[jedavis]

The 12 step program is great. But unfortunatley, no matter how much you want him to quit, he will have to quit for himself. The key to sucess is a good support network, the 12 step program, a sponcer, and find some AA meetings in your area( if he is willing to go).

You can have an alcohol problem and not go into DTs, I only seen bad delerium tremors in old men/women who had been drinking for ALOT of years all day every day. Some more common withdrawl symptoms are: shakes, aggitation, loss of interest in things they usually like, nausea, vomiting, sweats, sniffles, cramps, pain/body aches, headache, and being withdrawn. some people may seem to have no withdrawl.

[Mogget]

Thanks Jedavis,

The only withdrawal symptom he got was a bit of minor agitation and slight difficulty sleeping - about the same as when he stops smoking really.

I know only he can quit for himself but I am going to be supportive in any way I can for him, as I don't think he is likely to get involved with a sponser or 12-step program for a long while if ever - not because of the alcoholism, but because that style of support is really at odds with his personality. He's extremely shy and dislikes social situations - going to a meeting full of strangers would be more stressful and thus more triggering to him than most other scenarios. I can't see him doing it unless things got REALLY bad, which is of course the situation for most people in those meetings...

However only 2 years ago he wouldn't even consider giving up drinking - just talking about it made him panicky and now it is a strong goal, so he is progressing all the time.

[jedavis]

Thats great! Hope everything works out for you!

[Mogget]

Thanks... patience and gentle coaxing... softly softly catchee moneky.

[sskennedy]

hey, im shannon and dealing with a husband who has a drinking problem. i hate that i dont know how hes gonna be. one time all over me, next sneering and being down right rude and then theres chatty cathy,lol!!! he wants to quit. he can go days without it, but one drink and hes back full force. i used to drink alot w him, ive stopped all but friday nights hoping he will cut back. im talking he will drink a big bottle of vodka in a day, if its the weekend. never misses work, plays w the kiddies, cooks.i think what makes me mad is hes self emplyed and they go out to the bar for lunch. if its an easy day hes shets home.i dunno, i guess it could be worse. thanks for listening

[Mogget]

Hey shannon - sounds like its rough on you not being able to predict his behaviour (and man can I ever relate to chatty cathy!) - it's GREAT that he wants to quit... sure there's a long way to go, but it is even less likely to happen if he doesn't even want to. Hope things work out for you...

I'm please to say that my boy and I have had another deep and meaningful recently where he asked if I liked him when he was sober (yes), if I liked him more when he was sober(Yes) so I wouldn't mind if he stopped drinking (not at all) and would it make me happy if he did (very!)...he told me he is ready to stop, he doesn't get anything out of the drinking anymore... he's been doing pretty well since then, though I could tell last night was rough on him; I try not to pressure him but do make sure he knows how pleased and proud I am.

[sskennedy]

mogget

thats great!!!! it really is so hard. i think its something they do to pass the time. he even went to as addictions specialist and told they told him to go to aa. i know my hunny, he will not. so back to square one.

[Mogget]

oh yeah there is no way my boy would go to AA, so it's going to be him having to work it out for himself with whatever support I can provide. I'm proud of him for giving it a go, but I am luckier than most in that my lovely man is ALWAYS lovely, drunk or sober (just a lot more talkative when drunk!) so I don't have any conflicting emotions about mood swings etc. I think it makes it easier to be supportive and patient.

[Blondie302]

Kenzie (and the others)....my heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes.

I married a wonderful man who was clean from all substance abuse several years ago. We had a wonderful marriage. He had used drugs before, but was totally clean for a year before I met him and stayed that way until 3 years after we were married. His drug of choice is pot - nothing else. Unfortunately, he is one of the few who gets really addicted to it. Its NOT just a recreational drug to him.

I lived with this for another 3 years or more. Lying to my family and kids about his drug use. He stopped working, would sit up and smoke and play games all night then sleep all day. I was in school full time, working full time, and raising kids. I was stressed and I complained a lot. It only started arguments. I begged him to quit. He would spend $80 a week on pot and the electric man would be on our doorstep to turn our power off.

He became someone I didnt even know anymore.

Then one day, I gave him an option. Me or the pot. He looked me dead square in the eyes and chose the pot. Packed his things and left. I was SO hurt, SO angry, SO lost. This man was my soulmate. He still is.

I wanted to hate him, seek revenge for the hurt he caused me, and make him feel every ounce of pain I ever felt. I even did that at times. I made his life miserable.....and yet I still loved him.

After educating myself on substance abuse, I came to learn that its NOT the user who is treating you so bad, its the drug. There really is a wondeful man beneath all the pot. Ive seen it. I had to learn to hate the pot and not my ex husband.

The HARDEST part of my divorce was seeing him. Its SO hard to "physically" see him standing there and know that "he" isn't there. Im looking at a drug, not him. Death would have been easier, because with death there is closure. Imagine someone dieing and yet you still see their physical being from time to time.....its HARD. Obviously, I dont want him dead...thats not what Im saying.....Im just saying that dealing with a substance abuser is the hardest thing you will ever do. You have to look at it for what it is, and not hate what it is not.

Its been 3 years since we separated. We still talk and I miss him SO bad....but I know 'he' isn't there. I grieve for him everyday. I will never stop loving him.

I have a substance abuse problem as well. Its called FOOD. My ex and I have agreed to totally separate, no seeing each other, no phone calls, no email - for one year so that we can indvidually work on our problems. In one year we are going to meet again....for the 'first' time and see where the road takes us. I feel that I have a 2nd chance at true happiness if we are able to make this work.

You cannot help anyone who isnt willing to help themselves. They have to want to change. Some people never do. If his problems are bothering you now, they will only get worse - I can GUARANTEE that.

You need to think of yourself first and get a plan going. You deserve no less than complete happiness but it takes a lot of work to attain that......and you are likely to see many sad days before you do. If you are going to be unhappy, at least do it while bettering yourself.

And ALWAYS remember, dont ever hate your SO. Its so easy to want to but its not HIM you should hate. Its the substance you should learn to hate. Some people make bad choices to start a substance and some people are pre-conditioned to start.....some of it is even genetic. We dont walk in their shoe and we dont all handle stress the same way. People who abuse really dont want to be that way. They just dont know how to cope. The need help and they need love - just dont destroy yourself in the process.

Leaving him (if it ever comes to that) may be just what he needs to 'wake up' and get help. You can spend 80 hours a week trying to figure out hw to help him, but if he isnt ready for help then it does you no good. Right now he has a "safety environment" which means that he is able to abuse and still have his family. He has no incentive to want change. It sure helped me and my ex. There are no guarantees for our future together as a year is a LONG way off....but even if we dont end up together, I'll be thinner and he'll be clean....and life will go on.

And, forgive me here, telling yourself that he can quit 'on his own' leaves you in denial and gives him a 'out'. If he can quit on his own then why hasn't he? Because he has no incentive to do so....are YOU not incentive enough? So how much do you really mean to him? I lived that same lie for years. I wasn't as important as the pot and I found out the hard way. He is not in control here, the substance is. If he's telling you he can quit on his own then he needs to be showing you that - and some people do, but most say that as away to ease us....to shut us up...to make us think they are in control of the abuse. They're not....they are in denial about it. I have lived it, I know.

I did that with food. "Oh Im ok with my weigt. I like being a big girl. Im pretty just like I am". BullCrap! I was always unhappy on the inside and making everone else think I had it under control. I see the light now. I was fooling no one. And losing my husband, who never had an issue with my weight, made me want to change. It made me want to be a better person......physically and mentally.

Sometimes tough love is just what we need.

I hope no one thinks Im being mean here, Im not. Im just trying to offer another view point on it all since Ive been down this road already.

ALWAYS love that person. You may very well be the only one who does.

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by Blondie302

Kenzie (and the others)....my heart goes out to you. I have been in your shoes.

Thanks for sharing your story blondie, I'm glad you are taking care of yourself now and seem to have reached a good headspace about what was a pretty bad experience. I apreciate your words of wisdom from someone who has lived it and definitley don't take the "cold hard facts" approach as offensive or mean.

I guess I am more willing than most to let an addict sort themselves out as I have beaten a number of addictions on my own. And eventually even the mind set that set me up to form addictions. It was never pretty and not easy but I have done it.

So have other members of my family - I guess if there is an addictive gene we got it, but our stubborn as all get out beholden to nothing or no-one gene came through strong as well. In every case where the addiction has been over turned it has been due to a realisation of dependance and a refusal to be...(though it does sometimes take us a while to notice the dependance in the first place).

So my experiences and examples from my life flatly contradict the accepted wisdom and cultural conditioning about addiction, and it's something that I cannot help but take into consideration. For other reasons also I think there are numerous tools to help addicts recover from their addictions that do not nessecitate buying into the AA rules of Addiction as Identity (personally I would find that harmful) helplessness and dependance on a higher power.

When AA was developed it had a higher success rate than anything that came before, it's rules which are really pre-suppositions for making the program work optimally became widespread beliefs and conventional wisdom, but that doesn't actually make them true.

They are pre-suppositions without which the program doesn't work, just as other programs rely on their own pre-suppositions, and my own brand of detox relies on my own pre-suppositions.

These day most if not all 12 step programs are based on the AA model and the more it proliferates the stonger the buy in that these rules are in fact truth. But it goes against all of my own experience and my belief system, so I remain on the outside in my belief that sometimes one CAN do it alone if one has the right mental tools - after all ultimately that is waht progras like AA are trying to do, give people the mental tools in the best way they know.

[Blondie302]

Mogget, I totally agree with you about the AA thing. These programs are not for everyone. I do agree that it can be done solo as thats how Im choosing to fight my addiction of food. Im not entering any program. I guess I should have worded it more about the reasoning we decide to change instead of the change itself.

PS - I just love your avatar. Im currently a size 26 and cant believe how much you've changed by getting to an 18. WOW. Your pics remind me of what I have to look forward to!

[Mogget]

You sweet talker you! I changed my stats to sizes as I am not weighing or measuring only going by my sizes so it seemed silly to have pounds up there - I too am pretty darn excited by the changes - I sort of thought it would take a lot longer to see visible results and for many years that was one of my excuses for not getting down to it "So much to lose I would have to diet for a year to even make a difference..." that kind of thing. Man what a snow job I was doing on myself! I'm still obese but its a whole new quality of life.

I'm sure you will get there and soon too. You seem really aware of the patterns at play in your mind and have had the experience of dealing with addiction form the outside - that experience bad I am sure you will draw on what you have learned.

[chipmunkis]

Originally Posted by Blondie302

<snipped for space and to leave what is relevant to what i wanted to say...>
I married a wonderful man ...His drug of choice is pot - nothing else. Unfortunately, he is one of the few who gets really addicted to it. Its NOT just a recreational drug to him.

...Leaving him (if it ever comes to that) may be just what he needs to 'wake up' and get help.

...If he can quit on his own then why hasn't he? Because he has no incentive to do so....are YOU not incentive enough? So how much do you really mean to him? I lived that same lie for years. I wasn't as important as the pot and I found out the hard way. He is not in control here, the substance is. If he's telling you he can quit on his own then he needs to be showing you that - and some people do, but most say that as away to ease us....to shut us up...to make us think they are in control of the abuse. They're not....they are in denial about it.

The parts I left of this post are the parts relevant to what i wanted to say. My X, whom I left 14 left years ago, was addicted to pot. I get infuriated still when people say pot isn't addictive...such BS...
We've long since moved on...both of us have remarried. His pot use DESTROYED our marriage. He was my "first love"...my first boyfriend, too... and I was young and didn't realize what his constant use would mean in terms of "us". Didn't realize it would reach a point where he couldn't even stay at a dinner party without making up some excuse to leave, returning only after his eyes weren't as red and glassy looking (so i wouldn't know)...he'd go "grocery shopping' and he was a SLOW shopper... I was in such denial, and every time I finally figured out that he was still using, he'd convince me that he was quitting and THIS time he really would. I fell for it over and over again, until i finally got to where I just didn't CARE whether or not he quit.

He finally quit after I left him and told him that I would NOT let him anywhere NEAR our daughter unless he was drug-free... THAT finally woke him up and he did quit, but it took the threat of losing everything that he loved to make him stop. By that time it was too late for "us" though. I still loved him, but any trust, any faith I'd ever had in him was completely and irrevocably destroyed.

We've both moved on with our lives and remarried, with much happier results for us both, and I am glad he finally got clean; he's been clean for probably about 11 or 12 years now. I think, though, that i will always feel a little sad that it took the destruction of what we had to get him there.

[Blondie302]

chipmunk, I am very sorry that you had to go through that becuase I KNOW the feeling, but Im glad to see that someone else here has lived it and understands what I was saying.

Im sure you sill have *some* love for the guy.....you have a child with him....so look a it like your sacrifice helped another gain. You having to go through one of the hardest parts in your life, actually helped another human being.

It burned me, and to this day, I cringe when someone tells me they smoke pot. I will NOT date a man who smokes it. Its so highly used that society doesn't view it as a destructive drug but it IS. I hate pot with a passion. It took away everything that was sacred to me in my marriage.

Am very glad to hear that you have moved on and ar much happier now though. See? Another benefit that your sacrifice paid off!!

[Wifey]

I'm a alcoholic but I'm sober now over 2 months. It took a serious medical problem for me to give it up. I wish you all the best.

[Mogget]

good for you amber - I hope you are recovering well from both illnesses - would you mind sharing how you have been keeping sober? ie AA or ome other plan or by yourself?

[Wifey]

Originally Posted by Mogget

good for you amber - I hope you are recovering well from both illnesses - would you mind sharing how you have been keeping sober? ie AA or ome other plan or by yourself?

Thanks! I am just to scared too drink. I was throwing up blood and I couldnt hardly hold my head up. I know if I start again I will end up bleeding to death. That was enough for me to just stop on my own. I wouldnt have been able to do it on my own if it wern't for that.

[sskennedy]

wow amber, thats scary. i too had a problem. every night i was sh**faced!!!

i dont drink anywhere as much as my husband, so ive stopped. i figure if i want to help him, i cant contribute to the problem.

its strange though, im so bored at night and the weekends. it almost became a hobby.

good luck to everyone

[Wifey]

Originally Posted by sskennedy

wow amber, thats scary. i too had a problem. every night i was sh**faced!!!

i dont drink anywhere as much as my husband, so ive stopped. i figure if i want to help him, i cant contribute to the problem.

its strange though, im so bored at night and the weekends. it almost became a hobby.

good luck to everyone

Oh I hear you! Ive been to countless parties and bars and no booze. Kinda sucks but I feel awesome! I hope all works out with your husband.