Alcohol Problems

[Gavia Immer]

Hey, all -

Well, so much for Day 1. :-/ I'm in the middle of all kinds of life crises right now, and I just can't get it together to make a major change. I will, and for now I'm moderating, and very soon I'll let it go altogether.

Not drinking is simple, but not easy. Moderating is complicated and not easy. Hmm. I know which I'd be better at, and I'll get there.

Congratulations on enjoying your clearheaded morning, peanutte! And I'm glad to hear your liver is perfect, Deila.

[seejay]

Don't mean to be a bummer Miss Gavia - but you have heard the one about alcohol causing a crisis filled life, right? Not the other way around?

That which you think is helping you cope could be making it worse.

[peanutte]

Gavia, you're in the Contemplation stage, which preceds the Action stage.

[peanutte]

Plus, I have to say, knowing more about Gavia's situation than you guys do since you just met her--these problems are not caused by her drinking. Some things just happen and you can only react to them. Of course--you can react one way or another, but I'm just saying.

[Gavia Immer]

>That which you think is helping you cope could be making it worse.

Oh, sure, and undoubtedly is. I'm doing my best not to do reactive drinking right now, just moderate and not try to put myself through the white-knuckled early days of going clean right now when my sweet baby dog needs highly expensive and urgent heart surgery in a town 3 hours drive away, my oldest son is trying to turn his life around positively but may end up homeless just as I have to leave town, my job is tenuous, and I have a lot of stuff I need to do with my other kids to keep them on track.

I don't think for a minute that I can help or extinguish any of these problems by drinking, but if a glass of wine tonight (all I had today) takes the edge off and makes me sleepy so I can shut down hamsterbrain for the night, I could be doing worse. It's justification, but it's self-aware, which is something.And I will be doing better. I am a capable competent compassionate woman, and I have much to give life.

[seejay]

Righty o Gavia. Totally agree. Now is not the time for a detox.

Are you able to do good nutrition? Along the lines of, what we put in (good habits, good food) is as important as what we take out (substances)

Something as simple as a protein shake for breakfast every day really helps my stability in hard times, if all you can do for the rest is drive-throughs and the horrors of fast food.

[peanutte]

Any positive change counts, Gavia! ANY willful change is better than none at all.

[Gavia Immer]

Totally right, peanutte. All positive change is good.

[peanutte]

Good morning! I did well last night. Slept pretty soundly too.

How's everybody?

[lisayak]

Hi all,

Just a quick check in. I've been feeling utterly exhausted lately and haven't felt up to posting. Lots of stress. Really trying to remain positive - with varying degrees of success. I know there is no other option in my life but forward but it's tiring.

Hope you're all well, post an update if you feel up to it...I do read, even if I'm not up to posting, and wonder how people are.

Lisa

[Gavia Immer]

Sorry about the exhaustion, Lisa.

I've had some bad days, and a couple of really good days. I'm stringing together some abstinent days for a change, and it feels fine. I sure do sleep better sober.

[peanutte]

Lisa, hugs to you. You have my email, right? Feel free to use it if you ever need to vent off the thread.

Gavia, good for you! You're not kidding about sleep. I may have a hard time FALLING asleep when I haven't had drinks, but the quality of sleep is so much better.

[Gavia Immer]

Really. Last night I slept the whole way through without waking up to read, which is almost unheard of for me under any circumstances.

Troublesome oldest son just called asking me to drive him somewhere later this evening, and it felt good to say, "Sure," and know I'd be fine to drive.

[peanutte]

Yeah, those feelings are very encouraging, aren't they?

[peanutte]

Nobody's posting here lately. Does that mean people are doing well, or doing badly? Or both?

[lisayak]

Hi All -

Just a quick check in. Life is really busy with university & family, but things are getting a bit easier on the personal front. Thank God! I've been trying to take it as easy as I can, resting when possible and NO GUILT - I had a nap yesterday afternoon, so that's some real progress.

Last Monday I celebrated my 2nd AA birthday - 2 years sober. It still doesn't seem real, despite earning that achievement a day at a time. I am a happier, stronger and more resilient person today than I could ever have dreamed possible. It is so easy for me to forget where I come from and take for granted the tremendous progress I have made.

One of the loveliest changes in my life has been the number of friendships I have made in AA over the past year. As an alcoholic I couldn't and didn't do friendship - I was too afraid of people to let anyone in. As I've grown in confidence I began to see the lack of friendship in my life as something to be challenged - as I developed my own sense of self I found I could open up and be vulnerable - being rejected was no longer the final word on my character. As a result I've made some brililant friends, and the love and support they've shown me this week has really blown me away.

The divorce is progressing as well, though not quickly enough for my liking - I have to accept my powerlessness over that situation! I'm hoping to move before coming home to NJ in August, even if it is a matter of dumping boxes and running to the airport! We both need to begin healing and living apart will go a long way to supporting that.

Hope you all are relatively happy & well, living peacefully and enjoying yourselves. Look forward to hearing from you!

[peanutte]

Great to hear from you, Lisa. I was getting worried since the thread was idling for so long.

Sometimes it can be intimidating to pop in and post what's going on with you. If anyone ever wishes they could share but would rather be private, please PM me anytime.

I had a clean and sober night last night for the first time in--ashamed to say it--weeks. I intended to start Saturday night but I felt very anxious about that, so I settled for having "less". Sunday I was relaxed and ready, and kept myself busy all evening playing online Scrabble and looking through my forums and chatting with the BF. I noticed how much more interactive we are if I am not parked in front of the TV with my wine. I didn't feel physically or emotionally uncomfortable going without.

At one point I was sitting out on my patio, enjoying my beautiful flowers and feeling great, and thinking "Boy, I should go for it and try to go a whole month withouth drinking!" and then I started to feel nervous, so I reminded myself I only have to take it one day at a time. I immediately felt calmer.

I couldn't sleep very well; in fact, I was sort of drifting in and out until four in the morning, yet I feel better this morning than I have in weeks. At least when I don't drink, whatever sleep I get is "real" sleep. I thrash and moan a lot and make all kinds of sounds like a caged animal when I drink a lot. It's not really "sleep".

One thing that I consistently notice when I don't drink the night before is my desire to get things done the next day. I awake early and immediately start thinking of things to do. I fed the cats, tended my flowers outside, gathered and took out the trash, though about how many loads of laundry my back can handle today (2, I think) and just generally got into Energetic Problem-Solving Mode. Let me explain that this? Does not happen when I drink a lot. I lie in bed reading all morning and feeling foggy.

I can't make any extended pronouncements, but as they say in AA, I am grateful to be sober today and grateful to have this place.

[laharadesert]

Hey Everyone! First time posting in here.

Sorry, this will be random, just my thoughts coming out........:~)

I've done Lo~Carb a few times. Of course, I fell off the wagons and went back to the "Fatkins Diet" *L* The times I have done lo~carb, I did great and lost a lot of weight. Like 2 jean sizes. I think my problem is, is I know I am doing good, so I can go off my diet a "bit". But, the problem is, is I never stop, and a couple months later, I weigh more than I did when I started! My major problem is beer. I like drinking beer. I like drinking wine, I like drinking vodka. I like drinking. I like to eat grose greasy things when I am drinking. It is so hard to try and diet, and not drink. When I first started lo~carb, I'd drink vodka and lemon~aid crystal lite. Me and that don't mix tooo well, but I did lose weight. But, after a few "episodes" I went to the lo~carb beer. But I guess you can't lose or even maintain when you're drinking a 12 pack or more of that at a wack. (oh, and I should add, at this time I was also breaking up with my fiance') So, that was nice. *L* I just guess I don't know how to diet AND quit drinking at the same time. It's so hard!!!!! It's crazy, you know. How much alcohol can have such an effect on your life. And then there's the food too. It's just as bad. Sometimes I wish I whouldn't have to deal with the food part and just be skinny. I'd rather just deal with the alcohol. I think It would be so much easier. Maybe I wouldn't drink so much If I felt better about myself. But then again, I think the alcohol is one of the main reasons of my weight. I think I drink more than I eat half of the time. I'll go 12 hours or so without eating all day, come home, eat something, and drink. And then, of course at 12 or 1 in the am eat something so it sits on me all night. I am a pretty active person. I don't got to the gym or anything like that, but I groom dogs for a living, and that is pretty tought on the body. And I think my weight and my job is taking a toll on my body. I shouldn't have all the back pains, knee pains, etc, etc, pains that I do at my age. I'm 28. Don't feel it mentally *L* But physaclly (spelling? I know *L*), I feel OLD. And I shouldn't.

Well, thank you to who ever reads this and replies. I need help, and some people who know adn understand something about me and what I am going through and reply to this, THANK YOU! :~)

[agilitydogs]

LAHARA!!!! I feel your pain so much right now it is unbarrable! I am a recovering alcoholic and also a recovering bulimic. I know how you feel in the largest of ways! (Oh, and I train agility dogs....coincidence? I don't think so! LOL!) I remember at one of my first AA meetings that I cried and cried and cried I was so mad at the people that were only giving up alcohol. I was also trying not to throw up what I was eating, and NOT DRINKING! It was so sad for me. Sugar and Alcohol were my best friends. I has used alcohol and sugar for so long that it was the only thing I knew, and I was only 20. I had no coping skills, and no faith in anything but a bottle and a cake. Then they stopped working. It was so scary. BUT There is a solution! THat is the most wonderful part! There is a solution! People do it alots of different ways, but it all comes down to a psychic change (which means a change in personality) also know as a profound spiritual experience. But for people who don't believe in God psychic change sounds a ton better. There is Alcoholic Anonymous, Overeaters Anonoymous, Celetrate Recovery and the list goes on. When you are ready those places are there for you! And of course I am there for you. You can email me anytime you want to. I can be your biggest fan. I am now 30 and have been sober for over 9.5 yrs. I have also not thrown up a meal in over 10 years. I have overeaten and emotionally ate....but at least I got over the other stuff. If you want my email address let me know....I am not sure how this all works as I am VERY new to this site....just my 2nd day in fact. I am hugging you here from Charleston~!

[peanutte]

A warm welcome to agilitydogs and laharadesert!

Glad you found us.

I have an eating disordered background as well. So many women are cross-addicted: smoking, eating disorders, drinking...

I know for a fact that when I drink, I eat more. It's like a gateway drug.

It's hard to battle the momentum of negative patterns and feelings of helplessness. I'm not doing such a great job myself. It's hard to walk around in the world with fifty pounds to lose, and try to tell myself I'm still doing better than being anorexic or bullimic. All the world cares about is whether you look thin, not how healthy you are emotionally. But I do tell myself that it's better to be overweight than to be starving and bingeing.

[agilitydogs]

You are so right! It is about how we feel not how we look. And it is sad that there are people who don't see that side! But most people do, thankfully, understand that it is the inside that matters. I think that we are really hardest on ourselves. I am what they call an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. I think everyone is talking about me and how bad my clothes are or how fat I am. When really who has time to think about all that in other people??? So I am an ego maniac with low self esteem, or I should say was....thankfully through a 12 step program I have gotten over all that. I no longer walk into a room and wonder what people are thinking about me....THANK GOD! That was exhausting!

So glad I found this site! I was looking forward to getting back on it this morning.

Candy

[peanutte]

I am what they call an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.

Ha, I know what you mean. It's only around my family or friends from back home who have never seen me this chubby that I feel self conscious. Otherwise I have reverse-anorexic thinking: I assume I am a lot cuter than I actually am!

[BerkshireGrl]

Good morning everyone!

Thought I would make an intro post after lurking for so long...

I've done low-carb before (and other mixed diets) but found LC was the best for keeping my cravings/bingeing/drinking under control.

I got a rude awakening recently when I got back some routine blood test results as part of a annual physical -- the nurse practictioner told me that my fasting blood sugar was 126, just over the line into Diabetic. I was astounded and horrified and scared. I never expected to have such a serious knock on the head as that at age 35. But years of eating junk and drinking had put my weight in the "obese" catagory, and I guess it was time to pay the piper.

I dithered over what diet to choose to get the weight off, and to get my sugar down, and landed on LC after some web research. I have until June 15th when I will get retested to get this under thorough control. If it is 126 again or higher, I will get labeled as officially Diabetic... something I definitely do NOT want to have.

I got myself a glucose meter and set about testing while I started Atkins on 5/18. WOW. What a drop in blood sugar! GREAT! I was thrilled.

But... I still had a big box of cheapo wine on my kitchen table. And then a couple bottles in the fridge. And a big bottle of beer. Oh and a couple nips of Scotch in the cabinet.

I come from an alcoholic family on my mom's side, and have seen first-hand what that can do to a person: both my mom's brothers died from alcohol-related diseases, and her dad was a raging alcoholic into his 50s. My mom herself struggles.

I had a play at alcohol a few times growing up, drinking all of a beer on a table once left by a relative, carrying a small bottle of wine as a kid because I thought it was cool (until my mom put the fear of God into me to never ever do that again once I got caught)... didn't drink in high school... in college, just lightly with friends, but once binge-drank vodka at a party, depressed over a break-up, came close to alcohol poisoning I think... then years of hardly at all... thought I had it firmly in control, didn't even think about it as a problem.

Then I had the mother of all heartbreaks in 2003 when I split with the woman I thought I would marry, and I turned to binge eating, bulimia, and drinking to occupy my mind. My weight went from 180 to 230, and my life started to tank. I was out of work a lot, and when I was there, I was struggling to keep it together. Exhausted, eye tics from malnutrition/throwing up, craving more binges and wine... a mess. I decided that I needed some real help, and I went into therapy for a few months, starting in 10/05. In 2/06, I got a prescription for Antabuse, and went 1 month alcohol-free, then found that the Antabuse was making my liver enzymes too high. I knew that I didn't have the addiction beat when I started "testing" the residual Antabuse in my body as I went off it, drinking wine in small amounts to see if I would have a reaction... and felt the twinges of nausea and headache but carried on.

Tried Campral next, but as a daily dose drug, I stopped taking it pretty quickly. I thought again, I got this handled. I stopped therapy in 6/06 because I was losing my connection with my 2nd therapist, and I thought I had my life under control. (My 1st therapist, who I thought was great, sadly moved to Florida after a couple months of me meeting her, after 7 appointments; and referred me to her colleague.)

This was in 2006. I have not gotten back to the point where I am regularly drinking a bottle of wine (or more) a night, but I saw that I was definitely craving the wine, every night. I got boxed wine because 1) it was cheaper and 2) I didn't have many bottles clanking out to the curb on recycling day that my neighbors could see out on the lawn. This way I could just pull apart and crush the cardboard box under papers and no one would be the wiser.

At work last week, I heard my mind running... "Can't wait to get home... destress... have that glass of wine." It was like all I could focus on. I even started to think about it in the shower in the morning. Of course, my "one" 4 oz. glass grew to 8 oz., then 12, then what the hell, 2 very big tumblers full, or 3 cups of wine. I started to drink in the daytime if I was home... and have more at night. If I had 3 kinds of wine at home, I would try all 3 before bed.

My first week back on Atkins, I lost zero. Well, I lost 5.5 pounds, but after drinking with dinner, I'd find that I wanted more cheese, or bacon, or even plain sour cream. But especially cheddar. I would eat 10 oz. of cheese one night, an entire container of pre-made guacamole and a jar of bacon bits another night, fueled up by the wine. So I regained the lost weight.

After I got on the scale at the end of week 1, I knew exactly what the problem was. The damn alcohol.

Then I thought, I must really have a self-destructive streak. If you can believe it, this is the first time I ever really considered this.

If you'd ask me, I would have said my self-esteem was just fine, and I had no deep-seated issues. But really... well, there is some messy stuff buried under the surface I think. Between the compulsive spending/debt I've had, the drinking, the bingeing, the bulimia, the depression.... that ain't normal!

I had some problems, clearly. My apartment was a mess. Dishes were piled up in the sink for a week. It smelled. For weeks, my "closet" had become my bedroom floor, where I piled up the cleans rather than hang them up. My dining room table was covered in 5 weeks of mail.

I started to think that some part of me, maybe a big part, did not think I deserved a clean home, did not deserve to be thin, did not deserve to be sober.

I'm not sure where this came from -- my childhood, my troubled relationships with men and women -- but now that I saw the Diabetic sign flashing on the horizon, along with my obesity, and my spending way too much on alcohol and bingeing, I decided this Memorial Day weekend, that was enough. Time to quit.

No more "moderation." Just... stop. Get rid of the wine opener, the stoppers, pour it all down the drain and rinse the sink out to get rid of the sour smell of wine (God I drank that?) Clean the apartment up.

So... I'm on Day 2. I'm being cheesy and putting little flower stickers on my calendar to mark every Sober Day.

I'm thinking about getting into the local "Women for Sobriety" group near me. I know right now, today, it seems easy, but some day, probably soon, it will not... so group support will most likely help, a lot. I've tried to quit before but I never tried regular group support. I think that could make this stick... and it has to stick. It just has to.

That's my marathon post

Hope everyone is having a good, clean Memorial Day.


Sarah

[agilitydogs]

THan kyou so much for writing all of what you did. You helped me a lot. I just got a lot of bad news about 15 minutes ago, and really needed to remember what it was like to be 2 days sober and 2 days throw up free. THANK YOU! I strongly urge you to join that Women in Sobriety Group. And group, AA whatever....there is absolutly no way I could have stayed sober for this long of a time with out a support group and there is no way I would still not be throwing up with out those same women. I wrote a little about my story in a post a few days ago. Maybe you could read it. I would love to chat wiht you sometime via email and wish you the best of luck! There is a solution to your problem!~ I promise! I look forward to seeing a post from you tomorrow that says 3 days sober!

Candy

[seejay]

Welcome, Sarah! You are so on your way, ready to make changes.

Please also check out radiantrecovery.com. It will give you insight on the physical reasons underlying all that "something is not right."

Also there's a free online support group at Yahoo groups, radiantrecovery @ yahoo groups.

For example.... low serotonin is behind the lack of impulse control, the clutter, bingeing, and depression. Low (inherited) beta endorphin is behind the multiple addictions. Volatile blood sugar (also inherited) is behind the easily gained weight and drift into diabetes.

All I'm saying is, while you work on the emotional and spiritual, the plain old physical can be a huge help or hindrance, however much you can properly nourish your body.

I'm sober for 5 years, no more bingeing (after a 40 year habit), no more depression, no cross addictions. In my case "healing the biochemistry" took away the addictions. Of course, I still have to eat right, and not start using again, and things stay nice. It can be done. I didn't do any in-person support groups like AA either, it was all at Radiant Recovery online. The author is Kathleen DesMaisons and she is both an addictions counselor and "sugar sensitive" ex-addict herself.

Good luck!

[peanutte]

Welcome, Sarah! Thank you for taking the time to write out your story for us.

There are a lot of things I can identify with...

...probably more than I would like.

I'm not feeling very share-y or chatty today but I am really glad to see people posting again. I was feeling kind of alone there for a while.