Beyond the Binge **** want to share the whole story

CartBabe · 05-12-2005, 06:25 AM

Dear sisters from ****Beyond the Binge****
I have been thinking a LOT in the last few days since we started here... a LOT! I have realized that while I have shared a lot of my story, there are so many bits and pieces that I have left out. I think for healing I need to try to share it all. I hope it helps SOMEONE.
I was adopted when I was an infant. My parents left me with a grandmother, and didn't return. My grandmother gave my sister and I up for adoption to some people in the church of a friend of hers. My sister who is 17 months older than me, was adopted by the minister and his wife. I was adopted by another family. In the end, I got the good end of the deal (and it ain't that pretty).
My earliest memory of childhood was at three years of age. I was eating birthday cake, and I remember it vividly. I was eating my birthday cake (and I still remember exactly how wonderful it tasted!)......I had a little ritual of eating the cake first, and saving the icing until last. Someone at the table noticed it and laughed at me. I remember being CRUSHED and broken hearted. Sound silly? I STILL REMEMBER THIS VIVIDLY! It HURT! They were LAUGHING at me for the way I ate. I remember running from the table, and sitting on the front porch swing crying my eyes out! It was my first experience with feeling shame for my eating habits. THREE years old! I was embarrassed and ashamed, and felt that I had something to hide

Over the next few years I have a few more vivid memories. Quite personally, I do not believe that children should have to remember these things.

I was abused by my adoptive father for the next few years. Weird thing is...they had nine of their own children.....two other girls of their own.....I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT GOT ABUSED (if you get my drift). This REALLY added to my self worth.
One day at about the age of eight, I finally had the courage to ask my mother if it was normal for this to be happening. Once again experience shame and guilt that should NOT Have been MINE to carry! I was told to forget it and never mention it again. That it was "taken care of".
IT never happened again, but the scars were a searing and constant reminder of my lack of worth. Over the next ten years, I became a binge eater in private. I snuck food....becoming very adept at making it look like someone else ate it. I would eat whole packages of crackers, cakes, snack foods, cookies, etc.....and could be pretty successful and hiding my guilt. Sometimes I would convince myself that noone would even notice. Sometimes when confronted I would totally deny that I had done it! All the while I would get the little comments "you would be such a pretty little girl if only you would lose some weight". I was a touch heavy for most of jr high and high school weighing around 130-135 pounds....not fat, not thin.....but always hearing "you would be so pretty if only..........................."
In my early twenties, I was experiencing terrible depression. My family dr said "were you by any change sexually abused by your father as a child?" I was like WHOAH, how could you know that? The dr said that the cases of this were increasing in women my age, and told me I needed to confront a sibling with what had happened, and that it owuld be therepeutic. I did.....I was called a liar and a trouble maker....the depression deepened.
I was married the next year. I had a baby right away. It was a disaster from the very beginning. By the time my first child was born, I was weighing 165-170 pounds. I was unable to have sexual relations because I had been treated so badly as a child, and my husband was treating me just as badly. He did not want any relationship with me. He wanted sex....the one thing I could not give because I was unable to face it. I turned to food for love and comfort. By the birth of my second child at 23 years old, I was weighing over 200 pounds. At 25, and the birth of child # 3, I was weighing about 216, and the depression was horrible.
My third son was born with brain cancer. I was 25 years old, in a horrible marriage, and my baby was born with brain cancer. I remember eating and eating and eating. I hated myself, my husband reported to me that he had slept with a hooker, my babies were being raised by strangers so that I could be at the hospital when THE BABY died.......and I was 25 years old

I thought alot about death those days.
Well, to make a short story long, my son who had been given a 1% chance of survival, did indeed survive! I divorced my husband at the age of 30. I was broken, I hated myself, I had three babies, and food was my lover!
I went to nursing school that year, and by graduation was topping the scales at 253. AND, food was my best friend, my lover, my pal, everything.......I loved to fix massive quantities of food and sit and eat and eat and eat. I remember working very hard to make everything perfect for my eating sessions.
THEN, I met my dear husband. We had both vowed to never become involved in another relationship, so help us God LOL. I remember talking with him one day and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered and REALIZED what my "mother" had done to me the day I told her of my abuse. SHE had cut my hair off, taken away my "girlishness", and had fattened me up, all the while telling me how unattractive I was. OMG, all of a sudden, at 34 years of age, I realized that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! I HAD NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG! I WAS FREE OF THE GUILT AND HORRIBLE BAGGAGE THEY HAD LAID ON THIS LITTLE GIRL!"
NOW, for the first time in my life, I was able to stop the eating cycle. I was able for the first time to be SUCCESSFUL at weight loss. I had dieted for 34 years, but had always given up after a few days, weeks, or pounds...and had always gained back more than I had lost.
NOW I WAS ABLE TO BE SUCCESSFUL! I thank GOD every day for sending my dear husband to me. HE has been the love of my life for the last five years, and has helped me to heal so very much. He knows me inside and out and loves me unconditionally. That was what I needed

Now, after losing 140 pounds, I realize I have an eating disorder. IT is not what it was at one time, but it is still there.
I have never one single time in all of these low carbing three years been tempted to touch an illegal carb. That is a horrifying thought to me. I would no sooner touch sugar or something that turns to sugar in my body....than I would cut off my own hand.
I have NEVER been tempted to "CHEAT".
However, since about December 2004/January 2005, I have found myself, on the nights that my husband works and I am home.....wandering to the kitchen and eating and eating and eating. It is always "LEGAL" food. BUt it is like as soon as he leaves I am "lost" and can't fill the void with anything but food. THis happens ONCE A WEEK....no more.
I think that I have yet to become happy and comfy with ME.........in my hubbys presence I am good, whole, and complete. When he is gone, I can't be happy with ME and my own company. I have to learn to be happy with myself too.......I want to learn to control the binges. Until I do, I can not be 100% successful, and all the lost pounds will surely come back. Thank you for listening to me. I hope that my story helps someone.
The thing for me to remember is how far I have come. I have healed a LOT. I no longer carry the blame and guilt for what others have done to me.
I have a man and three sons who love me for who I am INSIDE not outside.
There is no reason for me to continue with destructive behaviors! I am very grateful to have found all of you here, in my "sisterhood". I hope that I can be of help to you, and that you can be of help to me. We have so much as humans to share with each other. We have all experienced different pain and different things in life. We take for granted that noone else has endured what we have, but we are wrong! Thank you all for coming and joining us here. Together, I believe we can learn to put that binge monster in its cage, and live life to its fullest!

Amc · 05-12-2005, 06:43 AM

Thank you for sharing your story. With this group we all will be able to support and encorage each other. You can make it work.
So glad you have found a man that loves you for who you are. And you are somebody even when he is not there with you. You need to believe that and in yourself.

Lisa Marie · 05-12-2005, 06:52 AM

First of all,

I cannot imagine all of the things you've been carrying around inside you since you were a child. It's so unfair that the adults in your life hurt you so much. You didn't deserve it!

I understand the self-worth issues, and they're difficult to overcome. I want you to know that YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! If you hadn't started this group, I wouldn't be feeling so great today! I wouldn't be experiencing this rush of hope that I can beat the urge to binge!

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so glad for you that you've found peace in your life!

Lisa

kacee1958 · 05-12-2005, 06:55 AM

Cartbabe, I'm so very sorry for all the pain that you've endured. I was a child abuse investigator for four years, and it always amazed me what parents do to their children. I'm so glad you've made a life for yourself, and your sons. It sounds like your husband is a real honey.

clmoore · 05-12-2005, 06:56 AM

Thanks for sharing that Cartbabe. I have been reading the thread the last couple of days and hope I can learn and join in.

queen_bee · 05-12-2005, 06:57 AM

God bless you...and thank you for sharing your story. I hope you soon will find the peace you are searching for.

CurlsNCuffs · 05-12-2005, 07:17 AM

Cartbabe you are a Survivor! God Bless you and your wonderful husband. Thanks for sharing your story! You are a hero! I'm glad this thread was started. How are you feeling? We are blessed to have you among us! Hugs to you!

Hippiemama · 05-12-2005, 07:39 AM

You are an amazing woman. To overcome the things you have, and to come to an understanding of why you do the things you do is HUGE. You should be very very proud of yourself for who you have become. ((hugs))

lowcarbette · 05-12-2005, 07:49 AM

Can I ask, are you close with your biological sister?

CartBabe · 05-12-2005, 08:23 AM

No, Leslie. I wasn't told that we were sisters until I was in third grade. My adoptive father had "forbidden" that I be told. It slipped out in front of me one day. NOW I understand it was because he was afraid I would "tell". As a little girl, we went to church together and we were buddies. I made a comment one day that she was "like a sister", and my adoptive mom was innocent like "You didn't know?....." geez ....
My biological sister is seventeen months older. She has always been mean and cruel to me and used me. She has always treated me like doggie doo on her shoe LOL. The first week I was with my husband (five years ago....) she said "this will be a worthless relationship"...."it will be a one night stand". I am nothing like my sister. I was faithful to my first husband. I have never been a run around....my whole life was about husband and children. I looked at her that day and I said I DON"T NEED YOUR **** IN MY LIFE ANY MORE. I walked out and never looked back.
Just for information sake, my sister and I were both overweight all our lives. The day I walked out of her life I weighed 253 pounds, and she weighed 300 pounds ( I am 5ft3in and she is 6 ft!).......from what I have heard her life has gone very badly the other way. My sr and I are a lot alike....I wish I could help her, really. BUT, after my weight loss I know she would just as soon spit on me as speak to me.....AND her jealousy over my wonderful husband has consumed her. HOWEVER, walking away from the people who have hurt me so badly was the first BIG Step in recovery I could have taken. Now, I only surround myself with supportive people ONLY. SO.........99.9% of the time, it is just me, my hubby, and my sons. SMALL group.....but.....a happy one!

lowcarbette · 05-12-2005, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CartBabe

SO.........99.9% of the time, it is just me, my hubby, and my sons. SMALL group.....but.....a happy one!

What more could you need?! Besides a large number of sisters on this THREAD!

Bless you for being strong and smart and taking care of you and your loved ones. Is your youngest healed from the brain cancer?

CartBabe · 05-12-2005, 08:50 AM

His brain cancer is gone, but the damage left behind is a daily devestating battle. Life is really rough when it comes to him, but, we have learned to deal with it PRETTY well. ONE DAY AT A TIME! Living life any other way just won't work!
If we are so caught up in yesterday and tomorrow, we don't live today. That is what I have had to come to know with both myself and my son

Love you guys!

moneypenny · 05-12-2005, 09:01 AM

i don't mean to butt in, and i am pretty new to the board, but i have been following these binge eating threads with interest...i don't think i've ever realized/admitted that i have some of these tendancies.

cartbabe, thank you so much for sharing your story. i am in tears reading your post. you mentined that God had sent you your husband. are you religious? i don't want to bombard you with spiritual-speak if you aren't, but as i read your story i could not help but think "God saved this lady!" He cared for you when humans failed you!

i see some of myself in you. i do not have abuse in my history--rather a fabuolous family life. BUT, i am very dependent on my DH and am mildly depressed when he travels for business (pretty rarely now). In the past, when DH would travel, I would think "okay, what am I going to eat tonight?" i'd order takeout--TWO dinners even--every night for the week that he was gone. he'd get home and wonder how i spent $150 on food for myself for a week. i realize that this is not really the same animal that you are dealing with, but i think i can probably learn along with you ladies about this destructive behavior and maybe guard myself against going back down a road that i know i've traveled before. i need to think about this and what causes binge behavior in me--it's something i've never pondered before. thank you for bringing it up.

moneypenny

akmd65 · 05-12-2005, 09:16 AM

oh mary....
i wish i could give you this hug in person. you are such a wonderful and amazing person. i know how painful it is to grow up in an abusive home. you have come out of that trauma so beautifully. i thank you for being willing to share such hurtful memories.

jeannie

lowcarbette · 05-12-2005, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by akmd65

oh mary....
i wish i could give you this hug in person. you are such a wonderful and amazing person. i know how painful it is to grow up in an abusive home. you have come out of that trauma so beautifully. i thank you for being willing to share such hurtful memories.

jeannie

And a

for you too, Jeannie, as you have come from such hardships and overcome so many odds.

Pamalee63 · 05-12-2005, 07:42 PM

Mary, I admire your courage to post your complete story. I am so happy your life has changed, and you have the fortitude to face what still needs changing in order to keep the weight off. You were one of my LC idols before and now I am in complete awe after reading your post. Thank you for being you.

IwillCHANGE · 05-13-2005, 01:05 AM

hi mary,

you don't know me, but i' ve been following your posts. you know you are what motivated me to LC. really, i kid you not.

when i learned about LC years ago and i stumbled upon this board. after looking at hoards of before and after pics, they are all fabulously inpiring, but your pictures. WOW... i was completely blown away. i don't know if it was your smile in that pic or your beautiful face or the way you look so content and happy(i think u were wearing a pink shirt in that one?)

anyway, i saw your before and after pics without knowing anything about you and something just clicked in me (not the searing fire and resolve, the fire comes and goes

but the thought that IT IS POSSIBLE, it is possible to lose this weight, it is possible to transform, it is possible to CHANGE. i've been stuck for so long.....so.oo.o long. but when i saw your picture.. i KNOW that i want to be that healthy looking woman with a contented smile.i want to be that pretty woman whose face radiate with the sense of accomplishment.

it's been quite some time since i first saw that picture and i have learned more about you in your posts, i'm still trying to get my sh_t together. i'm still trying to get over the pain caused by my emotionally abusive family and friends.

but today i know that what YOU have been through is more than i would be able to handle. i'd be a complete wreck by now. i'd be put in a mental institution. YOU are the example of strength, courage and beauty

and everytime i look at your pic,i know it in my heart that i still owe myself that journey. and i cannot give up. because you didn't.

thank you Mary for being here and sharing your ups and downs with us.

YOU ARE MY HERO

idioglossic · 05-13-2005, 04:32 AM

Mary... God has blessed you.. thank you for sharing..

somewhere deep inside there is a memory of my father coming into my bedroom and touching me.. and I tried to tell my mother.. there it fades off ... she shushed me or indicated I lied or something... can not quite get the memory..

when I got married my husband was devastated that I was not a virgin....
altho I had never had sex... I was mystified... I was 18... now reading your story at 54 I am putting together 2+2...

my father was dying of cancer.. how small I was I do not know... but he was dead when I was 7... I adored him.. always and thought my life ended the day he died and did not smile or feel happy again for years and years..

my mom was super mom and more...

eating was my lover toooo...

all I really can remember thinking about growing up...

Mary... thanks again for you candor.

lowcarbette · 05-13-2005, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pamalee63

Mary, I admire your courage to post your complete story. I am so happy your life has changed, and you have the fortitude to face what still needs changing in order to keep the weight off. You were one of my LC idols before and now I am in complete awe after reading your post. Thank you for being you.

What Pamalee said, exactly.

lowcarbette · 05-13-2005, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IwillCHANGE

hi mary,

you don't know me, but i' ve been following your posts. you know you are what motivated me to LC. really, i kid you not.

<snipped for length>

and everytime i look at your pic,i know it in my heart that i still owe myself that journey. and i cannot give up. because you didn't.

thank you Mary for being here and sharing your ups and downs with us.

YOU ARE MY HERO

Naomi, what a wonderful post. I am so glad you are here.

lowcarbette · 05-13-2005, 08:11 AM

idioglossic:

IwillCHANGE · 05-13-2005, 09:30 AM

Lesley, thank you for your smile and kind words

IwillCHANGE · 05-13-2005, 09:33 AM

IDIOGLOSSIC : big big

for you. u have come a long way.

CartBabe · 05-13-2005, 12:46 PM

I thank ALL of you for reading this and for ACCEPTING me. This was pretty painful to do, to open up for everybody (people who don't even know me really) with such deep personal stuff! But, I don't get the feeling that you guys think I am an awful person or "icky" because of the things that have happened to me. I feel that you "ACCEPT" me as I am. I thank you for this. I am committed to finding the child in me and giving her permission to heal. I catch glimpses of her these days, and I like her.

Hugs to you all!

Lisa Marie · 05-13-2005, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CartBabe

I thank ALL of you for reading this and for ACCEPTING me.

What's not to accept??? YOU ARE AWESOME! I'm just grateful to be included in this group with you!

05-12-2005, 06:25 AM	#1
CartBabe MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico Posts: 2,665 Gallery: CartBabe WOE: Low carb/low calorie	Beyond the Binge want to share the whole story Dear sisters from **Beyond the Binge** I have been thinking a LOT in the last few days since we started here... a LOT! I have realized that while I have shared a lot of my story, there are so many bits and pieces that I have left out. I think for healing I need to try to share it all. I hope it helps SOMEONE. I was adopted when I was an infant. My parents left me with a grandmother, and didn't return. My grandmother gave my sister and I up for adoption to some people in the church of a friend of hers. My sister who is 17 months older than me, was adopted by the minister and his wife. I was adopted by another family. In the end, I got the good end of the deal (and it ain't that pretty). My earliest memory of childhood was at three years of age. I was eating birthday cake, and I remember it vividly. I was eating my birthday cake (and I still remember exactly how wonderful it tasted!)......I had a little ritual of eating the cake first, and saving the icing until last. Someone at the table noticed it and laughed at me. I remember being CRUSHED and broken hearted. Sound silly? I STILL REMEMBER THIS VIVIDLY! It HURT! They were LAUGHING at me for the way I ate. I remember running from the table, and sitting on the front porch swing crying my eyes out! It was my first experience with feeling shame for my eating habits. THREE years old! I was embarrassed and ashamed, and felt that I had something to hide Over the next few years I have a few more vivid memories. Quite personally, I do not believe that children should have to remember these things. I was abused by my adoptive father for the next few years. Weird thing is...they had nine of their own children.....two other girls of their own.....I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT GOT ABUSED (if you get my drift). This REALLY added to my self worth. One day at about the age of eight, I finally had the courage to ask my mother if it was normal for this to be happening. Once again experience shame and guilt that should NOT Have been MINE to carry! I was told to forget it and never mention it again. That it was "taken care of". IT never happened again, but the scars were a searing and constant reminder of my lack of worth. Over the next ten years, I became a binge eater in private. I snuck food....becoming very adept at making it look like someone else ate it. I would eat whole packages of crackers, cakes, snack foods, cookies, etc.....and could be pretty successful and hiding my guilt. Sometimes I would convince myself that noone would even notice. Sometimes when confronted I would totally deny that I had done it! All the while I would get the little comments "you would be such a pretty little girl if only you would lose some weight". I was a touch heavy for most of jr high and high school weighing around 130-135 pounds....not fat, not thin.....but always hearing "you would be so pretty if only..........................." In my early twenties, I was experiencing terrible depression. My family dr said "were you by any change sexually abused by your father as a child?" I was like WHOAH, how could you know that? The dr said that the cases of this were increasing in women my age, and told me I needed to confront a sibling with what had happened, and that it owuld be therepeutic. I did.....I was called a liar and a trouble maker....the depression deepened. I was married the next year. I had a baby right away. It was a disaster from the very beginning. By the time my first child was born, I was weighing 165-170 pounds. I was unable to have sexual relations because I had been treated so badly as a child, and my husband was treating me just as badly. He did not want any relationship with me. He wanted sex....the one thing I could not give because I was unable to face it. I turned to food for love and comfort. By the birth of my second child at 23 years old, I was weighing over 200 pounds. At 25, and the birth of child # 3, I was weighing about 216, and the depression was horrible. My third son was born with brain cancer. I was 25 years old, in a horrible marriage, and my baby was born with brain cancer. I remember eating and eating and eating. I hated myself, my husband reported to me that he had slept with a hooker, my babies were being raised by strangers so that I could be at the hospital when THE BABY died.......and I was 25 years old I thought alot about death those days. Well, to make a short story long, my son who had been given a 1% chance of survival, did indeed survive! I divorced my husband at the age of 30. I was broken, I hated myself, I had three babies, and food was my lover! I went to nursing school that year, and by graduation was topping the scales at 253. AND, food was my best friend, my lover, my pal, everything.......I loved to fix massive quantities of food and sit and eat and eat and eat. I remember working very hard to make everything perfect for my eating sessions. THEN, I met my dear husband. We had both vowed to never become involved in another relationship, so help us God LOL. I remember talking with him one day and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remembered and REALIZED what my "mother" had done to me the day I told her of my abuse. SHE had cut my hair off, taken away my "girlishness", and had fattened me up, all the while telling me how unattractive I was. OMG, all of a sudden, at 34 years of age, I realized that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! I HAD NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG! I WAS FREE OF THE GUILT AND HORRIBLE BAGGAGE THEY HAD LAID ON THIS LITTLE GIRL!" NOW, for the first time in my life, I was able to stop the eating cycle. I was able for the first time to be SUCCESSFUL at weight loss. I had dieted for 34 years, but had always given up after a few days, weeks, or pounds...and had always gained back more than I had lost. NOW I WAS ABLE TO BE SUCCESSFUL! I thank GOD every day for sending my dear husband to me. HE has been the love of my life for the last five years, and has helped me to heal so very much. He knows me inside and out and loves me unconditionally. That was what I needed Now, after losing 140 pounds, I realize I have an eating disorder. IT is not what it was at one time, but it is still there. I have never one single time in all of these low carbing three years been tempted to touch an illegal carb. That is a horrifying thought to me. I would no sooner touch sugar or something that turns to sugar in my body....than I would cut off my own hand. I have NEVER been tempted to "CHEAT". However, since about December 2004/January 2005, I have found myself, on the nights that my husband works and I am home.....wandering to the kitchen and eating and eating and eating. It is always "LEGAL" food. BUt it is like as soon as he leaves I am "lost" and can't fill the void with anything but food. THis happens ONCE A WEEK....no more. I think that I have yet to become happy and comfy with ME.........in my hubbys presence I am good, whole, and complete. When he is gone, I can't be happy with ME and my own company. I have to learn to be happy with myself too.......I want to learn to control the binges. Until I do, I can not be 100% successful, and all the lost pounds will surely come back. Thank you for listening to me. I hope that my story helps someone. The thing for me to remember is how far I have come. I have healed a LOT. I no longer carry the blame and guilt for what others have done to me. I have a man and three sons who love me for who I am INSIDE not outside. There is no reason for me to continue with destructive behaviors! I am very grateful to have found all of you here, in my "sisterhood". I hope that I can be of help to you, and that you can be of help to me. We have so much as humans to share with each other. We have all experienced different pain and different things in life. We take for granted that noone else has endured what we have, but we are wrong! Thank you all for coming and joining us here. Together, I believe we can learn to put that binge monster in its cage, and live life to its fullest!

05-12-2005, 07:49 AM	#9
lowcarbette Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Home of the Hawkeyes Posts: 4,300 Gallery: lowcarbette Stats: (Pregnancy high 200#) 162/115 WOE: Atkins	Mary: Can I ask, are you close with your biological sister?

05-12-2005, 08:23 AM	#10
CartBabe MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico Posts: 2,665 Gallery: CartBabe WOE: Low carb/low calorie	No, Leslie. I wasn't told that we were sisters until I was in third grade. My adoptive father had "forbidden" that I be told. It slipped out in front of me one day. NOW I understand it was because he was afraid I would "tell". As a little girl, we went to church together and we were buddies. I made a comment one day that she was "like a sister", and my adoptive mom was innocent like "You didn't know?....." geez .... My biological sister is seventeen months older. She has always been mean and cruel to me and used me. She has always treated me like doggie doo on her shoe LOL. The first week I was with my husband (five years ago....) she said "this will be a worthless relationship"...."it will be a one night stand". I am nothing like my sister. I was faithful to my first husband. I have never been a run around....my whole life was about husband and children. I looked at her that day and I said I DON"T NEED YOUR **** IN MY LIFE ANY MORE. I walked out and never looked back. Just for information sake, my sister and I were both overweight all our lives. The day I walked out of her life I weighed 253 pounds, and she weighed 300 pounds ( I am 5ft3in and she is 6 ft!).......from what I have heard her life has gone very badly the other way. My sr and I are a lot alike....I wish I could help her, really. BUT, after my weight loss I know she would just as soon spit on me as speak to me.....AND her jealousy over my wonderful husband has consumed her. HOWEVER, walking away from the people who have hurt me so badly was the first BIG Step in recovery I could have taken. Now, I only surround myself with supportive people ONLY. SO.........99.9% of the time, it is just me, my hubby, and my sons. SMALL group.....but.....a happy one! Last edited by CartBabe : 05-12-2005 at 08:25 AM.

05-13-2005, 04:32 AM	#18
idioglossic Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Virgin Islands Posts: 9,700 Gallery: idioglossic Stats: 172/132/125 5'2" WOE: Stillmans, low carb, low fat, low sodium, 2 meals Start Date: August 29, 2004	Mary... God has blessed you.. thank you for sharing.. somewhere deep inside there is a memory of my father coming into my bedroom and touching me.. and I tried to tell my mother.. there it fades off ... she shushed me or indicated I lied or something... can not quite get the memory.. when I got married my husband was devastated that I was not a virgin.... altho I had never had sex... I was mystified... I was 18... now reading your story at 54 I am putting together 2+2... my father was dying of cancer.. how small I was I do not know... but he was dead when I was 7... I adored him.. always and thought my life ended the day he died and did not smile or feel happy again for years and years.. my mom was super mom and more... eating was my lover toooo... all I really can remember thinking about growing up... Mary... thanks again for you candor. __________________ God made me a hunter gatherer.. I was not suppose to find much.. Waiting it off! GOAL of 120 6/6/05 GOAL 135 12/17/04 30 LB CLUB 11/25/04 40 LB CLUB 1/14/05 50 LB CLUB 5/16/05 60 LB CLUB 8/19/05 729 CHEAT FREE DAYS THE ONLY PERSON I WAS FOOLING WAS MYSELF!!! *The Sayonara CARBOnara Challenge Colonel* GOAL "we need to love ourselves enough to give up entitlement thinking and start thinking in terms of what we need to do in order to be healthy." - Terry** Lowered goal to 120 1/10/05 Last edited by idioglossic : 05-13-2005 at 04:35 AM.

05-12-2005, 06:43 AM	#2
Amc Senior LCF Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: West Mich Posts: 143 Gallery: Amc Stats: 184/144.8/133 restart 190.6/177/135 WOE: Low Carb Start Date: June 2, 2003 1/3/2008	Thank you for sharing your story. With this group we all will be able to support and encorage each other. You can make it work. So glad you have found a man that loves you for who you are. And you are somebody even when he is not there with you. You need to believe that and in yourself.

05-12-2005, 06:52 AM	#3
Lisa Marie Big Yapper!!!! Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 8,232 Gallery: Lisa Marie Start Date: Restart 6/26/07	First of all, I cannot imagine all of the things you've been carrying around inside you since you were a child. It's so unfair that the adults in your life hurt you so much. You didn't deserve it! I understand the self-worth issues, and they're difficult to overcome. I want you to know that YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! If you hadn't started this group, I wouldn't be feeling so great today! I wouldn't be experiencing this rush of hope that I can beat the urge to binge! Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so glad for you that you've found peace in your life! Lisa

05-12-2005, 06:55 AM	#4
kacee1958 Senior LCF Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: NE Georgia Posts: 537 Gallery: kacee1958 Stats: 198/188/145 WOE: Atkins Start Date: restart 09/15/08	Cartbabe, I'm so very sorry for all the pain that you've endured. I was a child abuse investigator for four years, and it always amazed me what parents do to their children. I'm so glad you've made a life for yourself, and your sons. It sounds like your husband is a real honey.

05-12-2005, 06:56 AM	#5
clmoore MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Tennessee Posts: 1,108 Gallery: clmoore	Thanks for sharing that Cartbabe. I have been reading the thread the last couple of days and hope I can learn and join in.

05-12-2005, 06:57 AM	#6
queen_bee Senior LCF Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 823 Gallery: queen_bee Stats: 197/137/130 - 184/171.5/130 :( WOE: Low Carb Start Date: July 2003	God bless you...and thank you for sharing your story. I hope you soon will find the peace you are searching for.

05-12-2005, 07:17 AM	#7
CurlsNCuffs MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 2,345 Gallery: CurlsNCuffs Stats: 240/147/125 WOE: Atkins Start Date: April 2, 2003	Cartbabe you are a Survivor! God Bless you and your wonderful husband. Thanks for sharing your story! You are a hero! I'm glad this thread was started. How are you feeling? We are blessed to have you among us! Hugs to you!

05-12-2005, 07:39 AM	#8
Hippiemama Senior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 226 Gallery: Hippiemama Stats: 300/253/150 WOE: Atkins Start Date: Feb/2005	You are an amazing woman. To overcome the things you have, and to come to an understanding of why you do the things you do is HUGE. You should be very very proud of yourself for who you have become. ((hugs))

05-12-2005, 08:50 AM	#12
CartBabe MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico Posts: 2,665 Gallery: CartBabe WOE: Low carb/low calorie	His brain cancer is gone, but the damage left behind is a daily devestating battle. Life is really rough when it comes to him, but, we have learned to deal with it PRETTY well. ONE DAY AT A TIME! Living life any other way just won't work! If we are so caught up in yesterday and tomorrow, we don't live today. That is what I have had to come to know with both myself and my son Love you guys!

05-12-2005, 09:01 AM	#13
moneypenny Junior LCF Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Alabama Posts: 39 Gallery: moneypenny Stats: 210/179/150(1st)/130(2nd) WOE: Atkins & EXERCISE!	i don't mean to butt in, and i am pretty new to the board, but i have been following these binge eating threads with interest...i don't think i've ever realized/admitted that i have some of these tendancies. cartbabe, thank you so much for sharing your story. i am in tears reading your post. you mentined that God had sent you your husband. are you religious? i don't want to bombard you with spiritual-speak if you aren't, but as i read your story i could not help but think "God saved this lady!" He cared for you when humans failed you! i see some of myself in you. i do not have abuse in my history--rather a fabuolous family life. BUT, i am very dependent on my DH and am mildly depressed when he travels for business (pretty rarely now). In the past, when DH would travel, I would think "okay, what am I going to eat tonight?" i'd order takeout--TWO dinners even--every night for the week that he was gone. he'd get home and wonder how i spent $150 on food for myself for a week. i realize that this is not really the same animal that you are dealing with, but i think i can probably learn along with you ladies about this destructive behavior and maybe guard myself against going back down a road that i know i've traveled before. i need to think about this and what causes binge behavior in me--it's something i've never pondered before. thank you for bringing it up. moneypenny

05-12-2005, 09:16 AM	#14
akmd65 MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: South Jersey, but always a Texan Posts: 1,775 Gallery: akmd65 Stats: 4x to 4/6 in three years WOE: south beach - phase one	oh mary.... i wish i could give you this hug in person. you are such a wonderful and amazing person. i know how painful it is to grow up in an abusive home. you have come out of that trauma so beautifully. i thank you for being willing to share such hurtful memories. jeannie

05-12-2005, 07:42 PM	#16
Pamalee63 Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Lubbock, TX Posts: 4,732 Gallery: Pamalee63 Stats: 246.5/240.8/175 (highest 260 in 1999) WOE: Atkins Start Date: 11/15/2008	Mary, I admire your courage to post your complete story. I am so happy your life has changed, and you have the fortitude to face what still needs changing in order to keep the weight off. You were one of my LC idols before and now I am in complete awe after reading your post. Thank you for being you.

05-13-2005, 01:05 AM	#17
IwillCHANGE Guest Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 128 Gallery: IwillCHANGE WOE: m is for moderation	hi mary, you don't know me, but i' ve been following your posts. you know you are what motivated me to LC. really, i kid you not. when i learned about LC years ago and i stumbled upon this board. after looking at hoards of before and after pics, they are all fabulously inpiring, but your pictures. WOW... i was completely blown away. i don't know if it was your smile in that pic or your beautiful face or the way you look so content and happy(i think u were wearing a pink shirt in that one?) anyway, i saw your before and after pics without knowing anything about you and something just clicked in me (not the searing fire and resolve, the fire comes and goes but the thought that IT IS POSSIBLE, it is possible to lose this weight, it is possible to transform, it is possible to CHANGE. i've been stuck for so long.....so.oo.o long. but when i saw your picture.. i KNOW that i want to be that healthy looking woman with a contented smile.i want to be that pretty woman whose face radiate with the sense of accomplishment. it's been quite some time since i first saw that picture and i have learned more about you in your posts, i'm still trying to get my sh_t together. i'm still trying to get over the pain caused by my emotionally abusive family and friends. but today i know that what YOU have been through is more than i would be able to handle. i'd be a complete wreck by now. i'd be put in a mental institution. YOU are the example of strength, courage and beauty and everytime i look at your pic,i know it in my heart that i still owe myself that journey. and i cannot give up. because you didn't. thank you Mary for being here and sharing your ups and downs with us. YOU ARE MY HERO

05-13-2005, 08:11 AM	#21
lowcarbette Very Gabby LCF Member!!! Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Home of the Hawkeyes Posts: 4,300 Gallery: lowcarbette Stats: (Pregnancy high 200#) 162/115 WOE: Atkins	idioglossic:

05-13-2005, 09:30 AM	#22
IwillCHANGE Guest Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 128 Gallery: IwillCHANGE WOE: m is for moderation	Lesley, thank you for your smile and kind words

05-13-2005, 09:33 AM	#23
IwillCHANGE Guest Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 128 Gallery: IwillCHANGE WOE: m is for moderation	IDIOGLOSSIC : big big for you. u have come a long way.

05-13-2005, 12:46 PM	#24
CartBabe MAJOR LCF POSTER! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico Posts: 2,665 Gallery: CartBabe WOE: Low carb/low calorie	I thank ALL of you for reading this and for ACCEPTING me. This was pretty painful to do, to open up for everybody (people who don't even know me really) with such deep personal stuff! But, I don't get the feeling that you guys think I am an awful person or "icky" because of the things that have happened to me. I feel that you "ACCEPT" me as I am. I thank you for this. I am committed to finding the child in me and giving her permission to heal. I catch glimpses of her these days, and I like her. Hugs to you all!