confession.. Ive been raped and never really dealt with it

[faith in me]

thoughts to all the people on here who have suffered but refuse to be victims

[Osorris]

Hey there. Hope you dont mind me popping into the thread a bit late. Today is the first time I have checked out several of the boads I didnt even realize this one was here.

if you havent already taken the wonderful advice gien about finding a therapist and talking to someone about it DO SO ASAP!!! It is really helpful. It isnt like they will provide you with some amazing wonder insight but they will allow you to talk it out and be honest with yourself about what happened and what choices you have made becuase of it.

I was raped when I was 12 by a nieghbor and again at 18 by my ex husband. I didnt really handle it the way a lot of people do by withdrawing but it did affect my life in a lot of ways. I found myself trusting some vey unsavory chracters and self destructing a good bit till the second time it happened- then I just got p*ssed and used what I learned by it to my advantage.

it wasnt a positive experience by any means but it certainly did teach me a lot about life. About the fact that sex only ever being about love is a fairy tale, it can be better with love but thats not the only reason people ever do it. About what motivates people to hurt other people and how to identify the kind of people that do hurt other for thier own gratification. So even though it wasnt anything anyone would ever want to go through it was still a learning experience and all that pain wasnt a complete loss. I dnt really hold any malice against the people who did it- maybe a little ill will. I will be honest I would probably have some smug self satisfaction going on if someone told me they had been struck by lightning or something, but I dont wish revenge on them or anything. These many years later I just feel slightly sad that it ever happened.

I dont know if you have had any experiences that trigger really bad memories for you but its really important that you talk to someone about how to deal with them in case they do come up. I had some minor problems when dh and I were first together with certain things scaring me and bringing back bad memories but after working through them and replacing those memories with positive ones it hasnt come up in years. (now if I could only get past the physical abuse from my parents I would be comepletely patched up... thats still a work in progress though)

At anyrate- thinking of you, sending you some more knowledge that your not alone in what happened and no indeed it wasnt your fault.

[AvonLady]

Michaela,

I was also raped - in the rear-end - when I was about 20. I had been drinking a lot and was so numb for years after that - I never dealt with it. Now, I don't drink and I will never forget it as long as I live. I do know that I repeatedly said, "no, please stop." It was awful. Shortly after that, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was almost strangled to death by a guy who wanted me to sleep with me, but I wouldn't do it. His friend pulled him off me and saved my life.

May God bless us all......

[AvonLady]

That should read, "sleep with him."

[HeatherNicola]

Michaela, from another who has been violated. My rape was by 3 men, b ut only 2 managed to complete the act, the other failed to arouse and used that as an excuse to beat me up. I don't know which was worse, the rape, or the fear that I could lose my life.

Luckily for me someone else not unvolved came by and they ran off. This man took me home and my Dad took one look at me and quickly ushered me into the house.

I was told on strict instructions that I could tell absolutely no one, especially the police what had happened. It would upset my Mother and Heaven forbid if the neighbours found out!

Looking back I can sort of understand my father. Back in the early 1970's the police, and many of the general public view of rape victims was quite different to now. It was 'She must have done something to deserve it'. The victim had to prove that they were violated against their will. The deck was stacked against them. My father was in his way trying to protect me and the rest of the family from the vicious backlash that would probably occur.

However my Dad from that day to the day he died kept an extra special eye on me, and showed me in many ways how much he loved me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. I'm now happily married with a lovely daughter.

[Georgia Boy]

My heart goes out to you i know i cannot relate to your specific pain but i know our creator is the God of all comfort.Best wishes

[ataran]

Bless your heart Michaela. I'm new to the boards and just thought my first post should be to you. You need to know you are not alone, and it was NOT your fault. I too have been in your shoes and it took me many years to figure out that in order to get on with my life I had to forgive him in order to forgive myself. Don't get me wrong. We will never be buddies or have dinner together, but he will never take any more energy from me either. Anger is so hard on your body. It takes days to rid your body of the toxins that a bout of anger produces. One of the options I hope you have already discovered is a rape crisis group in your area. The ones I'm familiar with offer free counseling and all of them certainly have free referrals.

Hugs,

[Some1nu]

My daughter is 23 and she was raped two years ago.. also by two guys. She is doing better as time goes by but it definitely affected her self-esteem.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and to her. As her Mother, I want so badly to fix this for her... you so hate to see your children in pain. Talk to someone you trust about this.

I wish you all the best!

[Kingschild]

[zay]

Micheala, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I wish I had expertise or experience in this area but I don't. I hope you find a way to deal with this better. It may never completely leave you Maybe some of the other horrible experiences shared here will help you heal knowing that you are not alone. Please take care You deserve to have a happy and fulfilling life.

[northnstar]

I'm so sorry to read that you were violated! I can feel your pain. I was violated too but differently. I finally went to therapy for it a little over a year ago ( this all happened when I was about 10-11yrs. old and now I'm 44) and just stopped going on my own accord. It goes so much deeper....can't explain it.

My thoughts are with you.

[PugsRule]

I hope you get past this horrible thing that has happened to you. Just remember you are not alone, OK?

[kathyhoward]

((((Mia))) Hon, I am so sorry this happened to you!! You are not alone and this was NOT your fault.

You are a strong person... I see that from our Curves challenge. You need to find a professional to talk with so you can get past it. Please don't let this eat you alive and get you off track.

You are doing sooo good with this WOE and your workouts.




Kathy

[heidi21062]

So sorry this happened to you. Keeping you close in thought and in prayer.

~Heidi