Hitting Rock Bottom....

[queenlene]

I've been struggling and struggling and have hit bottom! I've eaten something off plan 4 days out of 6 this past week...and gained back everything I lost in the previous 2 weeks. I keep going from angry at myself, to hopeless, to ambivelent, to having long self-talks and determining to change and back again.

Yesterday I went to the ortho Dr. (I injured my knee working out 3 weeks ago, this is the 3rd injury from exercise in the past 3 months) After doing an x-ray to my knee he gave me a shot of cortisone in the &*%! thing and then gave me a long lecture on my weight and the stress it was putting on my joints...all of these things which I know, but I feel so powerless to do anything about. I'm in one of those vicious circles, I can't lose weight without exercise and I can't exercise at my present weight because of what it keeps doing to my body. (I need to do aqua-aerobics but am jobless at the moment, so no money to join the Y, which is just another thing that has added to this depression) I had a long talk with DH the other night about getting a lap band. I once said I'd never do anything so drastic, but I'm at my wits end. I can't seem to get my eating under control...I can get portions of it under control, but not all of it. My biggest problem is portion control. I've gone 3 or more months with no bread, sugar, whiteflour potaoes and rice, but at 44 and low thyroid, that isn't enough to lose weight....I have to cut calories as well...which sends me into hunger mode. Every-time I cut my calories to 1200, it sends me into either a binge mode after 3 days, (eating way too much of legal foods) or I just lose the will to fight and use one carb or another to medicate myself...which starts a whole new round-robin of guilt, anger, depression yada yada yada.

I don't know the answer, but I just can't give up!! So, again last night I made myself a promise to change my life, once again. One thing I have decided to do is go to OA (over-eaters annon) There is a meeting a few miles from my house on Mondays at 12 noon. I also determined to do everything to get my knee healthy again (if the shot deosn't work I go back and have an MRI and possible surgery as the pain could be from torn cartilage or a deteriorated miniscus) If OA doesn't work, then I'm going to my Dr and asking for a referral to a gastro and seeing if insurance will pay for me to have the lap-band surgery. The surgery will only work if I do what is required to MAKE it work. A person can stay fat after a lap band if they consume enough liquid calories to maintain and even gain weight. I personally knew some one who had a "stomache stapling" back in the 80's who after losing 70 lbs started eating candy and drinking milk-shakes until all her weight plus some was back again in 4 months time.

I have to do something...I have to. My weight is no longer just a physical beauty issue, but a health issue now as well. I haven't felt good in almost a year now and in August I turn 45, I KNOW it's only going to get worse. I have 2 choices...live as I have been in apathy and die young (50-55 gets younger and younger looking as the years roll by girlies), or change and decide to live.

I'm asking for prayer for strength, for a lifting up of my spirit to find my way. I'm not just hurting physically, but emotionally as well and I know all of you here go through the same pain, though on various levels at differing times, but you girls know what I talking about and where this hurting takes you...down...down ...down.

Arlene

[MaryMary]

You don't indicate where you live. We have lots of OA meetings in our area, and not too far away we also have GSA meetings. GSA also has phone bridge meetings, 3 or 4 times a day, seven days a week, where you can call into and listen to live speakers and folks in recovery. PM me if you are interested in the number.

They are both 12 step meetings, but OA does not endorse any particular food plan and GSA endorses the greysheet food plan (a structured low carb plan). I can use the greysheet and attend either 12 step group. I personally have found that I have a physical allergy to certain foods and although I don't feel one should abandon any one particular food group, if you have an allergy to a particular food group, you may want to consider this.

I have found I have a physical allergy to sugars and grains, that set up an uncontrollable urge to overeat and cravings that I can't deal with. I am also allergic via the ELISA blood test to caffeine, coffee, chocolate and aspartame. I am lactose intolerant. So knowing these things helped me formulate my list of foods and the greysheet helped me formulate the portion sizes. Between the two, I can now concentrate on working the 12 steps with a 12 step sponsor.

I even go so far as to go to open AA meetings to hear how the Big Book of AA works the steps even though I am not an alcoholic.

Are you willing to go to any lengths to get well? If you are, there is hope.

[thindreams2reality]

{{{{{{HUGS AND PRAYERS}}}}}}}}}}}

[dpalethorpe]