I don't know how to stop... or start.....

[Michl979]

I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to start talking.

I'm 24 years old, engaged, i'm a psychologist, i'm 40-50lbs overweight, and I can't stand the sight of myself.

I have been "on" Atkin's since March of'04. I have been able to lose about 5lbs and then I binge and of course it comes back. I have not made it through a full two weeks of induction without cheeting yet.

I think I'm addicted to carbs and yummy treats... That is the only explaniation I can come up with for why it is that I find myself in CVS buying donuts, chips, chocolates, sodas, when I originally went in there to buy nail polish and water. This is also the explaniation that I came up with as to why I spend my time imagining trips to diners and the CHeescake Factory to binge on cheesecakes and Tirimsu deserts... I love cakes......

My fiance says things like, "I like you the way you are, but if you're not happy then I'm not happy." TO me this means that he doesnt like the way I look either, and I can tell by his lack of "attraction" to me.

I catch glimpses of myself in windows and in the reflection of the TV and all I see are my mamouth theighs. I have posted messages like this on other sites like, e-diets, shape, etc.... I can't get my act together. I can't find motivation when I know that somewhere is a cake waiting for me....

I say things like I'll just eat this, this, this that and those and then I'll start again.. but no matter how much of those things I eat, it doesnt matter. It's only a matter of time befor I want cheesecake again.....

I'm writing because I need help and I don't know where to start or where to go or how to stop eating like this anymore.......

thanks for listening.... Michelle

[MaryMary]

Michelle, Thanks for sharing your journey. I hear your hopelessness. I felt that way most of my life except for periods of sanity when I was in OA or GSA. As a psychologist, you are familiar with 12 step programs for addictions to alcohol and drugs. About 45 years ago Overeaters Anonymous started up as an idea of using the same program for people with problems of food addiction or compulsive overeating. There is hope.

Last December I started calling into a phone bridge meeting through GreySheeters Anonymous and got a sponsor who gave me a food plan called the GreySheet. It is a low carb plan where I eat 3 weighed and measured meals a day with nothing in between but coffee, tea, diet soda or water. I was out of control with the low carb foods and sugar/chocolate had creeped back for a week in December. I plan out what I will eat the next day, called it into my sponsor and weigh the food on a kitchen digital scale. Today I am going to my in-laws and my scale is coming with me. For me, it is like taking the beast out of the cage three times a day. I read ingredients and make sure sugar is not in the first four ingredients. All the details make up the food plan, but the solution is in the 12 steps. This isn't for everyone. But truly if you are at the end of your rope and are willing to go to any lengths, then it might be for you.

If you are interested, send me a PM and I will send you the phone number to call and the times the meetings are on.

Many that are around these threads are on vacation this weekend. I am sure you will hear from others.

No matter what happens in my life, I weigh and measure my food one day at a time. (my mantra)

[Michl979]

Last night I made a deal w/ my boyfried that I would not be going out to eat w/ him for the next two weeks...starting monday. I'm not going out to eat because that is when I am the weakest...

However, I found myself awake at 9am (on my vacation!). By 9:30 I was at the local diner chowing down on three different pieces of cake. I had got out of bed, left mike sleeping there alone gotten dressed and literally sneaked out of the house... just to get some cake... all the while thinking" i cant do this, this is nuts"... When I came home Mike was awake and I lied to him about where I had been.... I NEVER lie to him.....

i feel like im getting worse.......

MARY, thank you for you infor and for listening... I went to the OA online web page and looked into an online meeting... It sounds good but that would mean that I really do have a problem.... Maybe I should just go and listen........Thank you so much.. You look wonderful, by the way, i looked at your pics........

mich

[Linda Marie]

Hi there,

I really feel your pain Coming to this board and going to the phone bridge meetings have really identified to me that there really is a way out of this huge mess I have made for myself thru no fault of my own. However, knowing is half the battle. Surrendering, that is the real ticket out. My will is getting in the way. I must surrender my will to my higher power because I can't do this myself. I need to give this problem up to HIM bacause it is much to much for me to handle. My will just gets me into deeper and deeper trouble. Speaking of surrendering~ I took the first step of trying to do this and to call a sponser today, but no one was home. I will get on the phone bridge tonight and get some additional numbers. Like you, I am out of control. Some days I do just perfect, other days I am just eating everything in sight that are either made up of white flour, sugar, bread or pasta. None of which I ever show any kind of constraint with. There is no such thing as eating one slice, one piece, one of anything with carbos that I seem to be so fond of.
Even knowing all this I am struggling with the thought eating from the greysheet cause what if I mess up? What if I cheat? How ashamed I will be to tell my sponser what a screwup I am. Why start something I can't finish. But on the other hand, if I don't do something different and keep going at this the same way I have done all my life. I might not have a life to live anymore. So the trade off seems really high to me. And, if I wait for "willpower" to take over, this disease will kill me. Because arresting this disease has nothing to do with willpower, none whatsoever. I feel funny about having to weigh and measure my food. That is another reason I am procratinating. I am worried I won't feel full and then will look for more to eat. But again, it is not about the food. And as long as I am feeding myself the carbs that I am obviously allergic to, the less I will be able to surrender and obtain peace and joy that the program offers me. So there will never be the right moment to call a sponser, there will never be the lightening bolt that I am waiting for that scares the wits outta me. There is just today. This moment in time that I must decide do I want to go on like this or am I done. I am done trying to fix this problem with the way I know. It is time to stop doing things the same way and expect different results. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. I guess I have finally reached that place of being willing do to whatever it takes to get this monkey off my back.

Much Love,
Linda
Who is looking for a sponser on the West Coast tonight when I get back home!

[Michl979]

Today is my last day of vacation. I have been on vacation for 10 days... I want to end it on a good note by eating just one more little piece of yummy cheesecake....and then tomorrow I'l start atkins again for real this time..... I have been plaing this all morning... as soon as mike leaves for work at 3, i'm going to the cheesecake factory (w/ my credit card, cuz i dont have any cash) and am going to get myself a nice slice of Silk and Satin Chocolate Cheesecake... maybe a little vanilla bean piece too... and I know that I wont even make it home with it.. i'll end up eating it in the parking garage, happy eating nice and alone.......

Reading that over is the most insane thing I have ever read... substitue pot or crack in there for cheesecake and there you have a classic senario of addiction....

but i really want it.. just one more piece.. and then i'll be good....

this fight in my head with MYSLEF! is crazyness!

I dont know what to do.. I want to eat but i want to be good but i want to EAT!!! god i hate this

[Michl979]

well i didnt eat cheesecake cuz i couldnt leave my house cuz my fiance took my car keys with him to work!!!!!!!!

[queenlene]

Mich and Linda...I so know where ya'll are at coz I too am there. Sometimes I feel like I belong in a looney bin when it comes to food. For 2 weeks I struggled to lose weight (I've lost 37 since December but have lost the ?? to continue..errr...I seem to be only able to make it 3-4 days at a time) Anyway, I did everything in my power to stay onplan, pre-planned my meals, stayed away from the kitchen except at meal times, worked everything out in fitday...and finally dropped another 3 lbs. THEN...after all that...I purposefully planned to eat a candy bar...my DH had a candy bar in the fridge and one in his drawer...and I snuck the one from his drawer and snarfed it down! Then the next day I had to "stop" at the store and get some lettuce, which just happens to be next to Baskin Robbins and snarfed down a large chocolate shake before I could get home and threw the cup in a trashcan the next day (hid it under my car seat) The next day I "had" to have a chalupa...my mouth was salivating at the thought of it...even though I had a perfectly good tuna salad waiting for me at home...all this for what? Because I've been denying myself and being extra careful for 2 weeks? I've made it through the past two days without any destructive behavior, but what will I do tomorrow? I don't know much about OA, but I've been thinking about it alot lately. I feel powerless, out of control and don't trust myself any more than I would my dog if I left my plate on the floor and left the room.

Disappointed and disgusted with me

[MaryMary]

LindaMarie - I tried to PM you but your box is full. Please clean is out and let me know when it is available.

[stormy24]

I do know where you ladies are coming from. I feel like I'm going down for the third time here. After reading this board, I've come to the conclusion that I do have addiction to food. I need some serious help.

[MaryMary]

Stormy, I just sent you an pm

[stormy24]

Thank you ever so much, Mary. I just responded.

[MamaMoo]

Oh my, I have this problem too. I thought it was just me. Thank you for this post and please let me know if you find anything that helps.

[diget77]

Hi Mich,
I am 25, married with 2 kids. I have this bad habit of sneaking high carb foods. I started this woe (atkins) back in 02 and actually started out well, didn't eat the extras. My mother and hubby were amazed how I could pass up a bowl of ice cream and peel the meat from a bun at a fast food place. After dropping 50lbs by the summer of '03, I was finally feeling great, especially after seeing a picture of me from the summer before. Things were going well, so I started to add carbs back in. Then my mother moved back in with us, and my niece, and the holidays hit. I really hit my rock bottom. I will drive 20 miles round trip, just to buy this type of popcorn I love. I find myself shoving food in any time I can. I am now 17 lbs heavier than just 5 months ago. Everytime I think of it I get so upset, that I just want to eat more.
The hard thing is, (you sound a lot like me), that I just love food period. I don't need to be happy, sad or angry to eat. I just eat just to eat...I eat when I'm not hungry. I never did lose the taste for sweets like alot of LCers do. I did do well making lc treats like cream cheese bites. I make myself sick with how I can't stop. I blame my mother moving in, but I really should only be blaming myself.
I think we both could use some daily support. I am usually home and would be happy to help support you if you would be willing to do the same for me. Just one day at a time and we should beable to get through this. Maybe make a goal of 2.5 lbs a week (moderate loss helps it stay off later). I don't know if you really would be interested or not, but I do know how it feels to lie or even sneek food around and to just eat and not be able to stop. I also know how you feel when your loved one says you look fine, but never really acts like it. Anyway, feel free to let me know what you think...
dig

[Ana K.S.]

I have the same problem. I tend to lose and then just gain back. I am a very emotional eater. It amazes me. I can really put it away when I am sad. Although lately I've noticed if I'm really sad I might even drink along with the eating. Double Yuck.

My suggestion would be to get out and get your heart beating. I think it will make you feel better. Go for a nice walk, go to the gym, As you push yourself at the gym picture yourself just how you want to be on your wedding day.

You are so not alone in this battle!!

[critterlover]

Hi Michelle:

I totally understand your feelings. For over 2 years I tried to get on and stay IN Atkins. About 3 years ago I lost 25lbs. Then I began to eat other things and was off the Atkins diet. Since then nothing and I mean nothing seemed to help me get back on. Sometimes I'd get on for a week and feel good because I got past the first 4 horrible craving days, then someone would want Pizza and friends over with pizza is sooo hard to resist, I'd think... I'll just have a few peices and get right back on tomorrow.

Well, it never works! Just a little bit will snag that addition into full force and it's harder than ever to get back on that ride.

About 4 weeks ago I weighed myself and was 260lbs. Only 4 lbs away from my origional 15 lbs loss. I was sick. So sick that I made myself a promise that I would get all the help I needed to do it right. So, next day I sat down and READ as in REREAD the entire Atkins book. I must have read it the first time blind because there was so much I missed the first time.

After reading I did a search online and found this site and the Atkins site. I read over the success stories and I read some of these posts. I began to see how someone JUST LIKE ME... and YOU! CAN and WILL be successful.

Michelle, before getting back on this trek 4 weeks ago, I would be hungry almost all the time. Once I started eating, it was a constant battle to wait.... wait.... and wait... till I could eat, snack, eat more, eat out, eat eat eat... and I'd be FULL so full I was not wanting more food, then 1 hour later, want to eat.

Sometimes it is so bad I couldn't tell if I was hungry or full. It really just depended on how I stood or walked. My signals were so screwed up there just seemed like no way that I could ever lose all my weight.

Looking in the mirror made me hate myself. Everyday... EVERY DAY... I would beat myself up emotionally about food. I hated that I had to hide the wrappers from my husband and sometimes sneak food while he wasn't looking because I didn't want him to see me eat. My husband is wonderfully built, size 42 shoulders and a 34 waist. He's not gained anything but more beautiful since we got married 22 years ago. I've done nothing but get fatter and uglier.

Bottom line... I did not believe I could EVER... would EVER be thin again. It was a dream. Other people do it, but not me.

But, after that night I was totally shocked and tear jerked into changing my path to fatter. I was going to do atkins... not for a week, month, or a year, I was going to do it for life.

I wanted to do it right. So, I only ate meat and salads. After the first week I tried to add in the NO carb bars, but I noticed that my ketones (spelling?) did not show. I also noticed that my uncontrolable hunger was there. NOt at the same level but it was there.

I think some of us cannot take the sugar acholols (spelling). I think that for some of us, we cannot have the other low carb goodies for a long time.

It took me about a week of testing to learn that the only thing I CAN tolerate is crystal light lemonaid. It has no carbs and 5 calories. I love it and it helps me get through the day of no sweets.

I gave up my candy no and low carb stuff, and I am limiting the other stuff. I will eat the low carb flour tortia, only 1 which has 5 carbs. I use it like bread and only have 1 every other day or so.

Until my body can handle something more, I'm not going to torture myself with anything that will send me into the horrible emotional torture of no control. It is NOT WORTH IT!

Look at what you eat. You may be like me, you may not be able to tolerate the sugar achohols. Write down what you eat and see what might be sending you over.

Remember how it feels to be in control of your stomach. Remember how it feels to not hear the shame inside your head repeating itself over and over. Remember what it feels like to live not to eat, but to eat only to live.

I have only lost 9 lbs, but I feel this is forever. I know I can't stray even for one snack or meal. I won't go out to eat if I don't think there is something on the menu for me to enjoy in low carb.

Don't save up your carbs for one meal. Don't skip meals. Don't drink diet soda or coffee. I miss my coffee... .....

I would love to be able to eat pizza and other things. But I so want to love me more. I want to be happy with myself and feel like I'm worthy of living. I dont' want to feel that just because I'm fat people don't want to talk to me or feel like because I'm fat people are discusted with me.

I want to be at a weight where people just don't really even notice me because I'm just another person in the crowd.

Michelle, you can do it. Read the success stories and know that you are NOT different in that you CAN and you WILL do this!

Life is a Party especially when food isn't in control!

The Critterlover

Ps. I've taken a snap shot of myself and plan on posting once I get to a loss of 50lbs.

[purple]

I have a serious food addiction too. I will go buy food when my bf is at work, eat it all and then take the trash out to the dumpster so there is no evidence. I can't seem to stay low carb for more than 2 weeks without cheating.

I have considered joining a 12 step before, but i think I would have problems with it because I do not beleive in a higher power or in organized religion.

[MaryMary]

purple, please reconsider. I have met many non believers in 12 step rooms who have found recovery from this insidious disease. You do not have to believe in God or religion to be a member, only that you have a desire to stop eating compulsively.

If you would like to listen in from afar to a phone bridge meeting, please email me and I will give you the phne number. These meetings go on 3 times a day, 7 days a week. Some believe in God, some believe in an HP and some find strength from their inner essence. Please keep an open mind and check it out.

[jebar]

This thread is sooooo me. I always thought that I was the only one that has these issues.

In May I was in the hospital for a week. I was a very sick girl. I lost 50 pounds because I was so determined to get my life back on track. Well here I am starting to feel good and now sliding right back into my old habits.

This is the first time I have been to this site in a long time. I am so glad I found this board for addictions. It is probably right up my ally. What is this plan that you all are referring to? Phone bridge meetings? I have not heard of it.

Jan

[Michl979]

Yesterday was a binge day.... won't go into it cuz its not worth it at this point... I went walking this morning and I feel good! I feel In controll!

Critter..... I dunno how i missed your post but this am was the first time I read it and I was in tears... Everything you said made perfect sense to me and I really feel like I can do this.... I just have to give in to the fact that there certain things I can't eat... An alcoholic can neer drink a beer again without the almost inevitable slip back into addiction.... I have to realize that its the same for me... Low carb treats send me in a downward spiral.. they are my triggers...

Purple, Jebar, Diget.... thank you for posting.... I always thought I was some kind of freak for eating and behaving the way I do.. sneaking and hididng and things like that, It really feels crazy..... I hope that we can all get through this together....

Mary..... I'm going to have to take you up on your offer... Tonight will find me in an onlin Over eaters anon meeting....

Thanks everyone!

Hope you all well... will talk to ya later

Michelle

[critterlover]

Hi Michelle, (bad speller here)

Oh I'm very happy that my post helped you. I am now at a 13 lbs loss. Seems slow but probably it's not. I am trying not to focus on how fast I'm losing weight. It's more important to know I've changed my "eating" lifestyle.

I am a pet sitter and the other day I was at a house and had my "I wanna eat and eat" mood hit me. The thing about it that is different is that I WILL NOT eat anything different than I do now. Instead I had a few tablespoons of peanut butter. Mmmm. That is my treat to eat.

However, in the cuppord next to the peanut butter was a bag of BBQ chips. I picked them up and just gave them my "evil eye" look. If they didn't belong to the household owner I would have smashed them into tiny bits. But... I controlled myself in several ways... and just tossed them back into the cubbord.

For two days I had that "I could eat and I'm full" feeling but then I got my monthly ickyness. I think that my hormone changes will probably continue to do that to me. At least for now my body still pushes me on occation.

You may think... how do I do it? Get through it?

It's a total mind set and the knollege of what will happen if I give in to "just this once" thought. There is just NOT STINKIN way I'm going to eat something off my diet. There is no such thing as just this once or just a bite or .... you know. Instead a nice juicy hamburger pattie with matzurella cheeze and my favorite steak spices will be just fine. And if I'm still fighting it, another hamberger on the grill.

I still only eat ONE low carb flour tortia every other day at most. I will drink the crystal light lemonaid for a nice refreshing drink, very diluted, only after I've had several glasses of water, and now I try to limit it to 2 drinks a day. Diluted is the key because it's VERY sweet if you don't dilute it and that may set you off. It did me one day so now I probably add 1-3 more water to each quart. Plus, I add tons of ice so even more so as I drink it.

I have no desire for anything in particular now ... in the future I'd like to think I could eat a big salad, a nice chunk of meat and then have a few bites of a lower carb pizza. But that test won't happen until I'm on my maintance plan.

The greatest lesson I have learned is that I cannot have the low carb or no carb sugar type treats. I also do not have the low carb bread, muffins, cerals, or anything really off the fresh food scale.

My two treats that I eat are 2 tablespoons of peanut butter almost every night and 1 to 2 glasses of lemonaid.

I look for recipes online for new ways to cook my meat and veggies too.

Michelle, you can do it!

You go girlfriend!!
Critterlover

[Michl979]

Critter.. Again, thank you.. you sound so much like me with that Eat everything in shight JUST THIS ONCE and tomorrow will be better attitude... that is so scarey becasue i ..i.. want to say that I cant controll it but i know that if i try i can, so thats what ill simply have to do..

Congratz!!! on your 13 lb loss!! I would give anything to have lost 13 bls!! and i will someday soon and i cant wait!!

Keep up your amazing atttitude and STRONG frame of mind and I will too and we'll be ok!!

Much Love,
Michelle

[LowCalSal]

Oh yes I am soo this post too. I was on Atkins in 2001 and was so strict- lost a lot of weight fast. But eventually my sweet tooth caught up to me and there I was- back in carb land. When I am in full swing carb land I eat everything in sight. I stuff myself and the have dessert- I am so full I can barely breathe! I think about what cake I can have this moment and then an hour later I am planning my next sweet feast. I buy in multiples- not just 1 piece of cake but 2-3 and eat them all one after another. I too hide the evidence from my dh and friends- eating half on the way home and pretend I only bought what was left. Go to the donut shop and order half dozen donuts and pretend they are for 'the family'. I got back on plan last year and lost about 50#... then things happened this summer and I lost my grip. So I have gained back some of what I lost.

I am sure many will say this is a bad way to approach this... but when I am not lc'ing I feel like a sugar fiend with no control. I down one sugary treat after another (to the tune of 6-10 sweets per day... and I mean slices of cake not hershey kisses ). When I am lc'ing I feel like I have control. I do use a lot of the sugar substitue things (like cheesecakes... or my fav a lc brownie with lc ice cream). I know many in Atkins frown on this but you know what I have discovered? For me at least when I really crave a sweet and I want a lc brownie w/lc ice cream I can eat like a NORMAL person~! I mean 1 little brownie nuked with maybe 1/2 c of ice cream is ENOUGH! I don't go running to the freexer for 2-3 like I would if it was not lc. Thank God for these products as I think they will be my salvation. I really think I would have been just fine this summer with this system if other things had not stepped in the way (like remodeling the kitchen so we had to eat out for 3 weeks... I am NOT strong enough to eat out and stay lc for long periods of time!). As long as I have 1 lc sweet per day of some sort I have no problem staying on this plan and losing.

[Smythe]

OK, so this is my MO too. I did try a few OA meetings, but I felt uncomfortable...I think because of the HP/God thing, although I do attend sunday services...

Maybe I was feeling that everyone else was so much more into the HP...I don't know. Anyway, I also had difficulty finding a sponser . I asked 3 people and they all told me they were not available...that kinds turned me off. How are you supposed to find a sponser when nobody wants to or can do it? The last thing I needed in my life was more rejection . So, I swtopped going and probably added another 10-15 lbs before I reinducted 2 weeks ago.

I do all the same things you do...the wierdest thing is the sneeking food . Hiding the evidence...uh hello, the evidence is visible to the entire world, but I dd it anyway. Sometimes that crazed feeling to eat behind closed doors, and then sleep it off . Might as well be booze or drugs....it is the exact same thing.
So I'll keep coming here to this board, since nobody here will ask "why did you quit in the first place?" That made me a little crazy. Did she think the answer would be " because I just hate being in control, thin, in control etc."
OK rambling!!

Glad I found you