I don't know how to stop... or start..... - Page 2

Lorena · 09-16-2004, 12:20 PM

So what do you guys think causes this, as the symptoms are so similar?

You can add me to the list. Here's my story:

I discovered Atkins a few years ago in college, because I was sick with symptoms that were later diagnosed (by Dr. Atkins) as candida yeast. After going to a number of doctors who told me my symptoms were all in my head, my mother made me go see Dr. Atkins (I live in Manhattan). I wasn't overweight, but I started doing low carb. Once I got into it, I lost about 30 pounds (I'm 5'10" -- I went from around 150 to 120). I felt great! I had always had the tendency to overdo it on the sweets a little (my friends called me Cookie Monster), but now I was never even tempted. Plus, people would stop me on the street and ask me if I modeled, how did I stay so slim, etc. and my friends worried that I was anorexic (I wasn't). Guys would ask me out on the street, and I was mistaken for Gwyneth Paltrow more than once! Needless to say, I enjoyed the attention very much.

Then, somehow I fell off the wagon. I don't really know what triggered it. But I would binge on low carb treats and nuts -- crazy, huge, all-out binges. I quickly ballooned up to 176, almost 30 pounds more than my highest lifetime weight. I couldn't get back on the wagon. I thought something was wrong with my health because I seemingly couldn't lose weight (which was obviously because I couldn't stay clean for more than 3 days in a row).

Evenutally, I got things under control. I spent last summer in Poland, and had to leave most of my clothes there when I returned, because they were all too big!

But now, I'm creeping back up. I'm around 165, and I feel horrible. But I binge. The other night, I ate 5 cinnamon raisin rolls with butter and a mess of yogurt-covered pretzels. The night before, I ate an entire bag of cookies. For awhile during the winter, I was eating a bag of cookies for dinner a few nights out of the week!

And I obsess about food. I think of which grocery store I'll go to on the way home (never go to the same on twice in a row, god forbid someone remembers that I was there the night before -- because this town is so small, you know

). I can be good all day. I won't want anything bad. But then night comes, and it's like it's the last chance in my life that I'll ever have to eat again, so I have to get it all in, just to be sure.

And of course, it always has to be done alone. During my darkest hours, I have, numerous times, turned down spending time with friends, so that I could stay home and eat junk.

Today I say is the first day of the rest of my life and that I for certain recognize this now....but will I still be saying this later tonight or even four nights from now? I haven't been able to do two weeks of a clean induction since last year!

Why are we like this?? What causes this?

I dream of what it will be like to be skinny again. I have a closet full of gorgeous size 2 clothing that I haven't touched in years. But I just question the underlying reason why I hurt myself, if I want it so badly: what am I afraid of? Is it a crutch? Do I think that once I get there, I can't use weight as an excuse to not do the things I say I would do if I were thin? (I want to be a bartender, learn to surf, date...).

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09-16-2004, 12:20 PM	#31
Lorena Senior LCF Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: North Jersey Posts: 200 Gallery: Lorena WOE: As close to the ground as possible!	So what do you guys think causes this, as the symptoms are so similar? You can add me to the list. Here's my story: I discovered Atkins a few years ago in college, because I was sick with symptoms that were later diagnosed (by Dr. Atkins) as candida yeast. After going to a number of doctors who told me my symptoms were all in my head, my mother made me go see Dr. Atkins (I live in Manhattan). I wasn't overweight, but I started doing low carb. Once I got into it, I lost about 30 pounds (I'm 5'10" -- I went from around 150 to 120). I felt great! I had always had the tendency to overdo it on the sweets a little (my friends called me Cookie Monster), but now I was never even tempted. Plus, people would stop me on the street and ask me if I modeled, how did I stay so slim, etc. and my friends worried that I was anorexic (I wasn't). Guys would ask me out on the street, and I was mistaken for Gwyneth Paltrow more than once! Needless to say, I enjoyed the attention very much. Then, somehow I fell off the wagon. I don't really know what triggered it. But I would binge on low carb treats and nuts -- crazy, huge, all-out binges. I quickly ballooned up to 176, almost 30 pounds more than my highest lifetime weight. I couldn't get back on the wagon. I thought something was wrong with my health because I seemingly couldn't lose weight (which was obviously because I couldn't stay clean for more than 3 days in a row). Evenutally, I got things under control. I spent last summer in Poland, and had to leave most of my clothes there when I returned, because they were all too big! But now, I'm creeping back up. I'm around 165, and I feel horrible. But I binge. The other night, I ate 5 cinnamon raisin rolls with butter and a mess of yogurt-covered pretzels. The night before, I ate an entire bag of cookies. For awhile during the winter, I was eating a bag of cookies for dinner a few nights out of the week! And I obsess about food. I think of which grocery store I'll go to on the way home (never go to the same on twice in a row, god forbid someone remembers that I was there the night before -- because this town is so small, you know ). I can be good all day. I won't want anything bad. But then night comes, and it's like it's the last chance in my life that I'll ever have to eat again, so I have to get it all in, just to be sure. And of course, it always has to be done alone. During my darkest hours, I have, numerous times, turned down spending time with friends, so that I could stay home and eat junk. Today I say is the first day of the rest of my life and that I for certain recognize this now....but will I still be saying this later tonight or even four nights from now? I haven't been able to do two weeks of a clean induction since last year! Why are we like this?? What causes this? I dream of what it will be like to be skinny again. I have a closet full of gorgeous size 2 clothing that I haven't touched in years. But I just question the underlying reason why I hurt myself, if I want it so badly: what am I afraid of? Is it a crutch? Do I think that once I get there, I can't use weight as an excuse to not do the things I say I would do if I were thin? (I want to be a bartender, learn to surf, date...).