Ladies, need some advice regarding my SO.

[jpolz]

OK, this is kinda hard for me to talk about becuase I feel so bad about it. I've been with my now fiance for 5 years. When we got together we were so close and very "cuddly". I'm a fairly active person, I've always been a big guy, but havn't really gotten any bigger, and now I'm actaully getting smaller. My girlfriend has never been interested in nutrition or fitness, she was one fo those people that could est anything and not gain a pound. Well, that has finally caught up with her. When we first met she probably weighed 150lbs (she's 5'8"), in my eyes she was perfect. Time has gone by and she continues to put on wieght. At first I really didn't care, but it's now getting to the point where I find that don't look at her the same way anymore. I still love her to death, but I can't help but feel almost a little disappointed. Once she asked my what was wrong and I made the huge mistake of actually telling her that I though her weight was a problem. She said that she didn't care about her weight and that I should just deal with it.

As I said, I love her to death and wouldn't give her up for anything, but sometimes I just hope that she would start taking better care of herself, as I see it she's killing herself. I hate the fact that I feel this way, but it's not something i have control over. Am I way out of line about this?

Now, jsut to clear things up, I never just came out and said "you're fat, lose weight". I've always tried to be very polite and "gentle" about it, the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I've tried to lead by example. I've offered to help her in any way I can. I've tried getting her to work out with me and such, but she has very little willpower. I just don't know what to do about a situation that is making us both unhappy.

I know somebody has to have been in a similar situation before

[HomeSchoolMom23]

Personally, I think you owe her an apology.

I also think your relationship skills need work, combined with some time to mature.

If an overweight himself SO talked to me that way, gentle or not, I'm not sure the relationship would ever recover.

[kbgardengirl]

There is nothing you can do to make her lose weight. She has to come to that decision on her own and want to do it for herself. If her weight is an issue now it will only get worse when you marry. You have to love her enough that whether she is fat or thin you will cherish her completely. Maybe you need to reevaluate your feelings. Decide if you really want to spend your life with someone who is not concerned with being overweight. As you are admittedly a big guy yourself and have been overweight in the past maybe you are applying a bit of a double standard here. She accepted you for forself at your highest and loved you any way. Now that you are getting smaller you want the same for her but she is content the way she is. Maybe it is time for you to move on and give her her freedom to find someone who will appreciate her completely just the way she is. That is the way love should be.

[gentylwind]

Hi there. What a painful situation for you to be in.

My significant other had to have this conversation with me. It was done lovingly, tenderly, tearfully on both of our sides. I could tell it was extremely difficult for him to say it, but basically he told me that as much as he loved me, he wanted a better, more active life with me than was possible when I was as heavy as I was. That we both deserved more than that. It was a wake up call for me, but I would not have been able to do anything about it if I had not already known my weight was a problem and already been preparing to change it.

You have to do what is best for you. Now that you are working on getting healthy yourself it is only natural you will want to be with someone who is also interested in these issues. You must prepare yourself that she may never be willing to change this. You have to make your decision about a future with her based on what you see before you now and based on the response you got when you came to her with a genuine concern. Anyone who can look at their partner and say "well this is just how I am, love it or leave it" is gambling. Saying a person should love someone "no matter what" is selfish and unfair and very very blind. We all have criteria and standards. I personally am so grateful my SO held me to a standard and in essence told me "you are better than this". He showed faith in me by bringing it to me....and we have had SO MUCH joy since then. Great sex, great fun, lots of laughter, tears, celebrations, encouragement, support, rewards. I am sure you would offer her all of this if she decided to tackle the problem, but it sounds like to her, there is no problem. There is no fixing something she says isn't broke.

It does not make you a bad person to want to have a healthy partner in life. There is nothing wrong with deciding what you want and then making changes in your life in order to have it. You have to value yourself too.

I believe food is as much of an addiction as drugs or alcohol for some of us. Hitting rock bottom happens in different ways for all of us. She just isn't there yet and your desire for her to change is not a measure of how much she loves you, but how much she does not love herself. You can't teach her to love herself more. That has to come from within.

You have some painful choices to make. I wish you all the best.

[MissBoop]

That's a toughie.....it's hard when you love someone to not try to help them helpselves. But sometimes we have to just be a role model and let them get interested in what we're doing rather than try to make them interested. She probably realizes she is gaining weight but just doesn't want to see it and certainly doesn't want you to see it.....love her for her thing. Just hang in there and keep up the great work....while seeing you get healthier each day she'll get curious if it will work for her & then she won't feel like you are trying to change her. It's MUCH better when she makes her own decision to join you in a healthier lifestyle. Good luck to you!!!

[Dar20]

Speaking from personal experience, what you've said to her will always be with her, even after an apology.

My husband told me he was no longer attracted to me about 1 1/2 years ago. He is also overweight - started Atkins at 274#. This put me into a depression and I stopped eating. I went from 205 to 165 - 5 pounds lower than I was when I met my husband 12 years ago. I was hardly coherent, and I'm lucky I kept my job.

Even though my husband has since apologized and told me that he does not really feel that way (he was at a point where he was making excuses for his low sex drive, we were in the middle of an argument when it was said.. and we've since determined his low sex drive is hormonal.. anyways), it still hurts and I still think about it.

Even though our sex life has improved, our marriage has improved, and we are both losing weight, I can still remember that one day he told me that so clearly. I ask my husband for reassurance often that he is still attracted to me, and I'm positive it's the result of that one argument. I never questioned myself before.. even as I gained weight. I thought my husband loved me for who I was, no matter what I looked like. I wasn't skinny when I met him, anyways, in fact where I gained 30 pounds he had gained 100, so I couldn't understand why he'd say such a thing.

You have to let her make the decision for herself. Support her no matter what weight she's at. Hopefully, for her health (you did not say how much she's gained), your success can be a good example for her and she'll consider it. But it's her choice.

And you need to decide if your relationship will continue to decline due to this rift you feel. Get out now if you feel that way, BEFORE you say I do.

[SueShopper]

As I read this, I can't help but think "wow, maybe my husband thought this before but wouldn't tell me"... it is very hard to be that honest with someone..but it is how you feel. Why hide what you feel ...
I think there are subtle ways .. if you're going walking, tell her you want her company, for supper, make something that's a healthy alternative, ... if that doesn't work,
tell her you're booking a flight to Cancun next year... I know that would get me going so I could look good in that bikini -- LOL LOL

[jpolz]

I understand that her hearing that from me is hard, but we've always been able to talk about anything, which is how it should be. Why would there be any taboo topics in a comitted relationship??

[PopMerry]

Originally posted by gentylwind
Hi there. What a painful situation for you to be in.

You have to do what is best for you. Now that you are working on getting healthy yourself it is only natural you will want to be with someone who is also interested in these issues. You must prepare yourself that she may never be willing to change this. You have to make your decision about a future with her based on what you see before you now and based on the response you got when you came to her with a genuine concern. Anyone who can look at their partner and say "well this is just how I am, love it or leave it" is gambling. Saying a person should love someone "no matter what" is selfish and unfair and very very blind. We all have criteria and standards. I personally am so grateful my SO held me to a standard and in essence told me "you are better than this". He showed faith in me by bringing it to me....and we have had SO MUCH joy since then. Great sex, great fun, lots of laughter, tears, celebrations, encouragement, support, rewards. I am sure you would offer her all of this if she decided to tackle the problem, but it sounds like to her, there is no problem. There is no fixing something she says isn't broke.


You have some painful choices to make. I wish you all the best.

What Gentlewind said!!!!!

[Dar20]

Originally posted by jpolz
Why would there be any taboo topics in a comitted relationship??

Very true, and I realized after re-reading my post, I didn't really have a point. Duh! There are ways that you can approach it in a loving way. NOT the way my dh did it, mind you. I think your success would be the best first step, but others here have give some good advice as well.

You would think there shouldn't be any taboo topics, but you'd be surpised. Believe it or not, sex is one of those in my marriage.. well, it was for the longest time until my dh went to the dr. to get his levels checked. Now, it's amazing how we can openly talk about it, now that we have answers. Sometimes it takes one little nudge in the right direction.

[jpolz]

Originally posted by kbgardengirl
There is nothing you can do to make her lose weight. She has to come to that decision on her own and want to do it for herself. If her weight is an issue now it will only get worse when you marry. You have to love her enough that whether she is fat or thin you will cherish her completely. Maybe you need to reevaluate your feelings. Decide if you really want to spend your life with someone who is not concerned with being overweight. As you are admittedly a big guy yourself and have been overweight in the past maybe you are applying a bit of a double standard here. She accepted you for forself at your highest and loved you any way. Now that you are getting smaller you want the same for her but she is content the way she is. Maybe it is time for you to move on and give her her freedom to find someone who will appreciate her completely just the way she is. That is the way love should be.

I don't really see it as a double standard? When I said I was a big guy, I meant that I'm pretty muscular, thougha do have a bit of a belly. As I said before, I'm trying to lead by example, so how can it be a double standard if I'm not expecting anymore than I'm already doing?

[MiamiChica]

I think if something is bothering you, you should talk to your significant other about it. Just be very sensitive in your approach. Approach is everything. Reassure her of how much you love her and how important she is to you and that you realize this is a personal decision for her but at the same time you are a couple. And as such, the decisions that one of you make affects the other and that a good relationship is built on balancing each of your needs, aspirations, fears, insecurities and dreams. And that you don't want there to be anything you can't talk about or work through together so you accept her choices but hope she will consider how they affect you - just as (I hope) you consider her when you make choices.

Good luck. This is a really sensitive topic and discussion to have with anyone - especially a SO. But I think you are doing the right thing by talking to her and setting a good example. Just don't nag about it. Sit down and have a thorough discussion and then let it go. If she hasn't done anything about it in a few months, then you may want to talk again with her about how the conversation made her feel or if she is something to work with you on or whatever. Just give her some time to "digest" it

Again, good luck and let us know how it goes. I feel for you.

[HomeSchoolMom23]

Originally posted by jpolz
I understand that her hearing that from me is hard, but we've always been able to talk about anything, which is how it should be. Why would there be any taboo topics in a comitted relationship??

This is a very simplistic view on relationships and gender issues. I've discovered as time goes on that with certain people, and in certain situations, some subjects are taboo.

I've discovered that being "honest" in a relationship is often manipulative, cruel and hypocritical.

I've also learned that many things I desire to "share" with my DH in an effort to be honest, educate, motivate or support him are passive/aggressive.

When you "share" your feelings with her on this issue, you could very well be hitting her with words. It's unkind at best.

And, finally, it's not the kind of information appropriately offered by someone fat. And, it's often not information appropriately shared by people who have never had food issues.

A wise woman once asked me about my then fiance: If nothing changes, would you still want to be with him? If so, what can I do to be happy in the relationship regardless of what he does'doesn't do. That puts the responsibility on me, not on the other.

[stews]

You need to let her decide when and If she wants to do anything about her weight. I went from thin, to size 24 and 221 pounds (was about 135 when we got married). My husband never said a word. He showed me he loved me every day no matter what I weighed. I KNOW he would've rather had me not gain the weight, even if just for health reasons. BUT he never made a big deal about. He has always supported my efforts even though I failed miserably most the time. He never scoffed when I started another diet or tried again. all you can do is support her and continue to live by example. more than anything, show you you love her EVERY day no matter what size she is.

[Kellyann]

Originally posted by gentylwind
Hi there. What a painful situation for you to be in.

My significant other had to have this conversation with me. It was done lovingly, tenderly, tearfully on both of our sides. I could tell it was extremely difficult for him to say it, but basically he told me that as much as he loved me, he wanted a better, more active life with me than was possible when I was as heavy as I was. That we both deserved more than that. It was a wake up call for me, but I would not have been able to do anything about it if I had not already known my weight was a problem and already been preparing to change it.

You have to do what is best for you. Now that you are working on getting healthy yourself it is only natural you will want to be with someone who is also interested in these issues. You must prepare yourself that she may never be willing to change this. You have to make your decision about a future with her based on what you see before you now and based on the response you got when you came to her with a genuine concern. Anyone who can look at their partner and say "well this is just how I am, love it or leave it" is gambling. Saying a person should love someone "no matter what" is selfish and unfair and very very blind. We all have criteria and standards. I personally am so grateful my SO held me to a standard and in essence told me "you are better than this". He showed faith in me by bringing it to me....and we have had SO MUCH joy since then. Great sex, great fun, lots of laughter, tears, celebrations, encouragement, support, rewards. I am sure you would offer her all of this if she decided to tackle the problem, but it sounds like to her, there is no problem. There is no fixing something she says isn't broke.

It does not make you a bad person to want to have a healthy partner in life. There is nothing wrong with deciding what you want and then making changes in your life in order to have it. You have to value yourself too.

I believe food is as much of an addiction as drugs or alcohol for some of us. Hitting rock bottom happens in different ways for all of us. She just isn't there yet and your desire for her to change is not a measure of how much she loves you, but how much she does not love herself. You can't teach her to love herself more. That has to come from within.

You have some painful choices to make. I wish you all the best.

WOW! Awesome post. My dh never said this to me and in fact told me over and over he would love me just as much if I was 500 lbs. When I met him I was a very fit size 6 at 5'10". I hated myself fat and was struggling with eating lowfat and exercising 5 days per week and no weight loss. He saw how frustrated and depressed I got. I really just couldn't seem to get rid of this weight....which came quickly during a rough pregnancy....nothing gradual about my gaining. When I started Atkins he rolled his eyes and called it my diet of the week. Well it's almost 2 years later and as you can see by my siggy he eats this way with me now. He says how proud he is of me sticking this out and how great I look. I never pressured him to hop on board but did mention that I was worried about his health....and I wanted to keep him around. So this New Years he told me he would start eating lowcarb with me in February. He did a full 2 week induction and continues on OWL with me. He looks fab! His words to me once were that I look great and he wants to look great next to me.
Quite honestly I understand both sides.... how you feel....but I have to say there is some kind of extra special connection I have with dh now knowing he truly loves me thru thick and thin...and his sexual attraction to me never faultered because he says he loves me for who I am and who I have been to him over the years.

[HomeSchoolMom23]

Originally posted by jpolz
I don't really see it as a double standard? When I said I was a big guy, I meant that I'm pretty muscular, thougha do have a bit of a belly. As I said before, I'm trying to lead by example, so how can it be a double standard if I'm not expecting anymore than I'm already doing?

You are overweight. To be upset with her over the same issue is a double standard.

If having a girlfriend with a healthy lifestyle (by your standards) is important to you, find that girl. If having the girl you *have* is important to you, find a way to be happy and at peace if she stays fat.

Having a healthy lifestyle doesn't seem to have been a deal maker or breaker when you got together. To change the rules now and make her responsible for your comfort is unfair.

[jpolz]

Originally posted by HomeSchoolMom23
This is a very simplistic view on relationships and gender issues. I've discovered as time goes on that with certain people, and in certain situations, some subjects are taboo.

I've discovered that being "honest" in a relationship is often manipulative, cruel and hypocritical.

I've also learned that many things I desire to "share" with my DH in an effort to be honest, educate, motivate or support him are passive/aggressive.

When you "share" your feelings with her on this issue, you could very well be hitting her with words. It's unkind at best.

And, finally, it's not the kind of information appropriately offered by someone fat. And, it's often not information appropriately shared by people who have never had food issues.

A wise woman once asked me about my then fiance: If nothing changes, would you still want to be with him? If so, what can I do to be happy in the relationship regardless of what he does'doesn't do. That puts the responsibility on me, not on the other.

Myabe I do have a simplistic view, but that's becuase it is simple. You either choose to take action, or choose not to.

When I was overweight it was because I didn't care, I wasn't trying to impress anybody. Now that I'm in a committed relationship, I feel an obligation to keep my fiance happy, no matter what it takes. To me, that includes keeping myself fit and in good health. Why am I the bad guy to expect the same?

[PopMerry]

jpolz - I don't think you are being the bad guy. As mentioned, this is a very sensitive topic that everyone is going to react to differently.

[jpolz]

Originally posted by HomeSchoolMom23
You are overweight. To be upset with her over the same issue is a double standard.

You're assuming an awful lot.

My SO has gained 70 pounds since I had met him...he went from a size 36 pants to a size 42. I have never once mentioned anything to him about it...I am as attracted to him as I was the day I met him. Of course I want him to be healthy and live a long life. But I love him for who he is and that is all that matters to me. He almost weighs 300 pounds and I love him so much. I wont ask him to change. He has to make the decision for himself. I dunno. Am I being unloving by not saying anything to him? Am I being unloving by being still attracted to him the same? I dont think so.. I dunno but I have a feeling if you say something to her it will stick with her forever. I would dump my SO so quick if he ever said anything to me...but then again thats just me.

[ForYouRosie]

My boyfriends and DF have only ever mentioned my weight to me because I was obviously unhappy and uncomfortable being fat. To them the issue wasn't that I wasn't attractive to them physically it was that I was unhappy. They loved me and wanted me to be happy.

If I had an overweight boyfriend that told me to lose weight so I looked good to him I'd show him the door without delay and change the locks.

[Rebecca1979]

6'4" can hold a mighty lot of weight !! Besides that, he came for advice not asking to get a new one ripped!

Settle down..

We all have opinions , the man just wants advice....

Which I have none... I was just getting aggitated

[kbgardengirl]

What I meant by this was that at the time you weighed 260 did you consider yourself overweight? And did she accept you that way? Now, you've made the decision to lose weight. You expect the same thing from her. But it's your time schedule not her's. If it were reversed and she was the one losing weight and wanted you to do so also but you weren't ready you would probably throw up the same oposition. Now the rest of the story. You are both young. We all have of the dream of staying trim and fit forever. However, the majority of people find themselves creeping up on the scale and getting a tummy no matter how good are intentions. So, down the road you could find yourself overweight again. She also could lose weight for you, you get married, she feels comfortable knowing she has that ring on her finger and regains. You are unhappy with this and with her. It becomes a major issue in your relationship. You are no longer attracted to her and you find yourself in the divorce courts because you cannot accept her as she is. What would that do for her.

[sugarfreedee]

Originally posted by gentylwind
You have to do what is best for you. Now that you are working on getting healthy yourself it is only natural you will want to be with someone who is also interested in these issues. You must prepare yourself that she may never be willing to change this. You have to make your decision about a future with her based on what you see before you now and based on the response you got when you came to her with a genuine concern. Anyone who can look at their partner and say "well this is just how I am, love it or leave it" is gambling. Saying a person should love someone "no matter what" is selfish and unfair and very very blind. We all have criteria and standards. I personally am so grateful my SO held me to a standard and in essence told me "you are better than this". He showed faith in me by bringing it to me....and we have had SO MUCH joy since then. Great sex, great fun, lots of laughter, tears, celebrations, encouragement, support, rewards. I am sure you would offer her all of this if she decided to tackle the problem, but it sounds like to her, there is no problem. There is no fixing something she says isn't broke.

It does not make you a bad person to want to have a healthy partner in life. There is nothing wrong with deciding what you want and then making changes in your life in order to have it. You have to value yourself too.

I believe food is as much of an addiction as drugs or alcohol for some of us. Hitting rock bottom happens in different ways for all of us. She just isn't there yet and your desire for her to change is not a measure of how much she loves you, but how much she does not love herself. You can't teach her to love herself more. That has to come from within.

I AGREE WITH NANI 150% on this one!

[purple]

How much weight has she gained? Is her health in jeopardy?

[jpolz]

Originally posted by ForYouRosie
If I had an overweight boyfriend that told me to lose weight so I looked good to him I'd show him the door without delay and change the locks.

I never said I wanted her to lose weight strictly for looks.

O